Or is my mum over what to do with my bracelet?

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

When I was 13 (20 years ago) my nan bought me a solid yellow gold bracelet for Christmas. It’s like a chunky curb style, and my mum wouldn’t let me wear it because she was afraid I’d lose it. She said I could have it when I turned 18.

I’ll be honest it’s not my style and never has been, I prefer minimal jewellery, usually delicate white gold pieces. Mum has worn herself pretty much every time I’ve seen her, it’s very much her style. So I’ve never asked for it back, but I also haven’t said my Mum can keep it either. She lives abroad now anyway so it’s not just like I can pop over for it.

My nan died 4 years ago, and I’ve been thinking of selling the bracelet to a jewellers and getting a charm for my charm bracelet with my nan’s favourite stone (every charm I have signifies something or someone to me). I figured this is better than never wearing a bracelet because I don’t really like it.

Mum is visiting soon and I rang this morning to ask her if she could bring my bracelet back with her. When she pressed further (she knows I’m not keen on the style) I told her my plan of getting a charm instead.

Mum is very sentimental about keepsakes and is upset, says I should either wear it or not wear it, but not sell it. She’s not willing to bring it over. I’d almost understand if she was upset on behalf of my nan, but she didn’t like my nan (her mother) and told me when she died that she was pleased (whole other story). I also wonder if she really wants to keep my bracelet for herself, she always wears it and I’ve said a few times “isn’t that my bracelet?” and she says if I’m not wearing it she may as well. TBF she’s kept it in a great condition, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s not hers to wear.

WIBU? Am I right in thinking it’s not her call what I do with my jewellery?

To answer a few questions-

DH suggested saying “I’ve decided I’m gonna wear it” then sell it when she’s gone but honestly I’m a crap liar and don’t like lying anyway.

My grandad said she spent about £400 on it at the time, I don’t know much about gold worth bit it’s solid gold so I’m guessing I’d get enough to get a decent charm. I could just buy the charm myself I suppose but the point was my nan ‘sort of’ bought it IYSWIM

I don’t really want to get my grandad involved in a spat between me and Mum, I doubt he’d mind me selling it. He gave me some necklaces of my nan’s when she died which are lovely and I’ve kept and wear occasionally, but he said when he handed them over that I’m not obliged to keep them.

I remember unwrapping it when I was 13 and saying I liked it (I wanted to please my nan but I didn’t especially hate it TBF & I’ve attached a picture of a similar bracelet if anyone is curious) and my nan was chuffed. I then agreed to let Mum put it away until I was an adult as she convinced me I would lose I (it wasn’t exactly a choice IIRC about wearing it at the time).

I'm wondering that too. I just can't picture what a conversation in which I asked my mum to pay me cash for a family bracelet would even look like.

I also agree it's a bit odd to sell something sentimental and buy something else. If it's a solid gold bracelet you could take it to a jeweler and have it made into something else. My wedding jewelry was made out of pieces my mum wore to her wedding. To my taste but still very meaningful keeping the original gold. Your mum may be more agreeable to this. I do understand her feelings.

Look, you'll get that bracelet one day when your mum passes on. Unless you desperately need the money now I just don't see how you can ask for it back to sell it.

Why didn't you get it when you turned 18?

Did you just leave it because you didn't like the bracelet?

I'd think about asking for enough money for the charm that you want, maybe a bit more & leave the bracelet with your mum to wear.

I think that if buying the charm really means that much to you then you are in the right

But if it's being Right that's the motivation I'd let it go

Objectively, you are right. It's certainly your bracelet.

It may be that your mum is being incredibly controlling. Or, it may be that she loves the bracelet and she knows it doesn't mean, in the form it's in, that much to you, whereas it does mean a lot to her

A lot to think about. Only you can decide

I think that if this is part of a big picture about your relationship with your mum that you want to have out with her, then this will be the catalyst for upset, so as long as you are prepared for that, then that's fine

X post. I took ages posting that

taking that’s interesting, I didn’t know that could be done! Can I ask how they did your jewellery?

Why didn't you get it when you turned 18?

Did you just leave it because you didn't like the bracelet?

I kind of forgot about it TBH. And whenever I’ve seen my mum wear it it would have f let a bit weird to demand she hand it over. It’s always been one of those things that’s ‘there for when I want it’ (mum’s words)

Did your mum wear it when your were young? Or only more recently? (since your nan died?)

To be honest I think if you did go down the path of selling the bracelet and buying a charm, every time you look at that charm what you remember will be the upset caused, not your nan.

If you were going to keep it and wear it, I'd say ask for it back.

If you are just going to sell it, then I'd let your mum keep wearing it if she really likes it. She did the wrong thing in not giving it to you immediately you turned 18, but it would be a bit weird now to demand it back only to sell it.

I'm torn in a way as your mum obviously likes it & you haven't reclaimed it in many years.

That said, she obviously doesn't love it because it was her mum who bought it & it is yours!

Obviously in hindsight you should just have told her that you'd like to start wearing it.

The problem is you have left it to long. When you turned 18 you should have got it back whether you liked the thing or not.
You didn’t tell your mum not to wear it so she just carried on. I could understand if your man had just died and you wanted it back, but it’s been 4 years! Regardless it is yours and the decent thing your mum can do is give it back...I’m guessing she doesn’t want you to profit from it that’s all.

As your grandad is still alive can you ask him to have a word with her?

YANBU, your DM is being very controlling and she knows the bracelet belongs to you. What you do with it once you get it back is not her business.

Op

With Lola's post in mind I'd ask Why Now?

Has something happened to make you want to 'confront' your mum?

Are you missing your Nan, or suffered another loss?

I second getting it melted down and set into something else with the precious stone that would remind you of your nan. You could easily get a delicate charm made in yellow gold and put that on your bracelet. Iv seen a lot of mixed metal on charm bracelets and can look really pretty but at the end of the day it’s what’s special to you so who cares if it looks a little out of place, better than having a load of charms that match but mean bugger all.

Oh to add I’d have been gutted getting that bracelet they are hideous. Sorry to any fans.

Yes it’s been too long. The time has passed. I don’t agree with your mum keeping it until you 18 but I that was the time to get it back.

Can you buy a charm anyway for your bracelet in memory of your Nan?

It is very wrong of your mother to have worn your bracelet. She didn’t like her mother. Perhaps her mother wasn’t very nice to her and she’s paying it forward. Sounds as if she may perhaps be a bit of her mother’s daughter there.

Stop telling your mother things about your life. Start doing what you want to do.

WRT to the bracelet. Could you afford to buy yourself something in your nan’s honour with your money? I know it’s not the same and it’s not right. But sometimes life isn’t worth the hassle.

Did your mum wear it when your were young? Or only more recently? (since your nan died?)

No she’s worn it for the last 20 years. I don’t remember if she asked if she could or not!

I don't agree that it's been too long. The bracelet belongs to OP. And OP isnt planning to profit as such if she's going to use the proceeds to buy a charm in memory of her nan

I don't agree that it's been too long. The bracelet belongs to OP. And OP isnt planning to profit as such if she's going to use the proceeds to buy a charm in memory of her nan

I should have said. If this is the symbolic fight you’ve been looking for, please feel free to ignore what I’m saying. I have a narcissistic mother, who treats me as inferior and this is the sort of thing she’d pull on me. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and other times you have to let things go.

It's all a bit late - bracelet bought 20 years ago, OP turned 18 15 years ago, nan died 4 years ago ...

Personally i'd leave it.

If you really want it back to sell or melt down though then i'd go down the 'bring it back so i can wear it and see if i like it' route. Then later you can sell it or melt it and if DM mentions it you can say oh this is what i got made instead to remind me of nan, i wear it everyday ect.

Mmmmm re: your last post

I don't want to put the cat amongst the pigeons but do you think she is jealous of the relationship between you and your nan

IMO she should not have ever worn it herself, having stopped you from wearing it