To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

Op, FGS it is time to take the blinders off. You have been with this man for FOUR YEARS and he never told you this? And you think a woman who knowingly married a man who sexually abuses children will be a wonderful grandmother? What kind of woman does this?? For you to even consider allowing your future children to be anywhere near this man is shocking, and the "being constantly supervised" bullshit is just that. There is SO much more to all this that you have learned yet, I can assure you.

"There is SO much more to all this that you have learned yet, I can assure you."

This ^

And also, I feel terrible for you OP, I really do. What a burden to have to carry now.

Have you googled him since learning of his background?

Maybe he is listed in this? theukdatabase.com
www.gov.uk/guidance/find-out-if-a-person-has-a-record-for-child-sexual-offences

www.theguardian.com/society/2006/jan/18/childrensservices.politics1

So it started 1997 he could have been on it for 20 years. He must have been sentenced to more than 30 months in order to still be on the register.

not saying it’s right but sex then with a 15 yr old is totally different to sex with a 3 yr old

Guess what? 3 year olds grow into 15 year olds. And grown men having sex with them is unacceptable too. That's why it's against the law.

It's not so totally different, it is abusing a child.

And OP, he's deemed low-risk now because, I would imagine, he doesn't have direct contact with children. That's the clincher.

Haven't rtft but let me tell you this urgently from experience: I had exactly the same situation, but my then bf's mother wasn't polite enough to disclose it to me. I went years without knowing, and only found out when social services became involved AFTER my DD had stayed at the house with bf's mother and her partner, who had lifelong parole conditions stating that children were not to stay overnight in his home.

The social worker didnt believe I didnt know. The courts didnt believe I didnt know. It turned out that not only did the mother keep her partners past a secret, but she knew that her son (my then bf) had been abusing my DD.

My honest advice: you do not want your (potential) offspring left with the woman or her sex offender partner.

No no no! You cannot risk your child being anywhere near this pervert. To still be on the Sex Offenders Register after 20 years means what he did was serious.

And your MIL's judgement is seriously skewed. Why would any woman in her right mind marry a sex offender FGS??

You may not know how to feel now OP but you will definitely know how to feel as soon as you become a mum.I can guarantee your instincts will be to protect your child and you certainly won't be inclined to play happy families with this pair.

LollipopsandWine that's horrific, I hope your daughter is ok, that whole family should be in prison

Firstly, you don't have kids and may not. (You never know) So she is being a bit of a dick throwing you in like this.
Secondly, who the hell is she to tell you that your (future/imaginary) kids would be staying at her house? That would be YOUR choice when and if it happened.
You should not be forced to announce your feelings on this subject until it comes into reality.
(He wouldn't be coming near mine though)
What does BF say?

Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.

For something 20 years ago? He must be on the register for life then. The register was only set up in 2003 and I'm not sure it was introduced retroactively.

You can ask for details, which may or may not be something you want to do.

You can also ask for advice on 'best practice'. I know lots of people will react with 'no way' or 'never will my child meet that person' but does that keep them safe? It does if a) that person is still a danger and b) they never meet anyone else who is a predator.

In some ways this is a known risk and therefore one you can be equipped to manage.

Also if he is deemed low risk then he can apply to be removed from the register, people are no longer put on for life. If he had appealed last year and had been removed then there would be no obligation to tell you.

I think you need to find out more. More about what he did, more about what risk he actually is and advice from experts.

Personally, as my child was abused by her own Dad whilst I was in hospital (can’t say anymore about that), I would be leaving your boyfriend and running a mile. But then I’m biased I guess. I just think we’ll, there’s going to be times when they pop round for a cup of tea or to drop something off etc. Or he calls your house phone to speak to your boyfriend... All of which would freak me out. But like I said, I have extra reasons for hating all of his kind....

Please, please, PLEASE do NOT have a child with your boyfriend whilst that woman is still with this man. Unless you go no contact.

I know I’m going to be savaged for saying this, but you just never know what situation could arise....

Oh and I agree with 1sttimemama.

Even if she left him, I would keep my children WELL away from a woman who thought it was ok to marry a man who abused a child/children. How is that sexy? How is he the man of ANYBODY’s dreams?!?! Does she really think so little of children to marry a sex offender?

Once an abuser - ALWAYS an abuser. These people don’t change. BiPolar or not.

Nope. No. Never. I can't believe you're even asking this question. This is why so many children not only get abused but also get gaslighted because people would rather be socially appropriate and not cause 'offence' than protect their own offspring.
Let her leave him, if he's bipolar and a sexual offender you'll be doing her a favour even though technically it's not your problem, responsibility or fault.
Never, never ever consider leaving your child/children alone with these people. Why would you even risk it? How would you even be at peace knowing this?

But also, your boyfriend obviously knew you could have got pregnant at any time without planning to. And he would have then had to tell you this whilst you were pregnant

I'd never even considered this angle (I must be a bit slow today). But this is an extremely valid point.

Sex offenders thrive on secrecy. Your boyfriend, his mum, and of the course the pervert, have all conspired to keep this from you. There is a seriously screwed up dynamic going on amongst the three of them (and maybe others).

For your own safety and well being, and that of any future hypothetical children you might have, you need to get away from this family TODAY. Dump the boyfriend and move on whilst you still can, and vulnerable children/fresh victims aren't involved.

OP, if you have children please don't ever let them have contact with your bf's mum and stepdad.

Your bf mum is not able to protect your future children. You say she married this man when your bf was 15 ie still a child. Presumably they had been in a relationship for a while prior to marriage. So this woman thought it was ok to have s sex offender in her home despite having a child (your bf). And if he was on the SO Register he and she must have lied to the authorities as presumably he would not have been allowed to live in the same house as a minor.

Your bf was put at huge risk by his mother, so if she was prepared to risk her son being abused why would she be able to protect her grandchild?

The whole "will never leave him unsupervised" is the tip of the iceberg.

Sex offenders who abuse children can do so because they have relationships with children. They do so because they can have secrets with children. Grandpa Fred doesn't have to be in the room alone to build that relationship. That relationship will be there and then when standards start to slip, which they will, he'd be able to take advantage of that.

your MIL is already putting the onus on you to keep your child safe. She's making YOU choose what contact he has despite the fact she's not sharing the exact details of his crime with you. She is prepared to have her grandchild around this man, that tells you all she needs to know.

I'd be pretty furious your BF didn't tell you before now tbh, and I'd be very worried about how much minimising he's been conditioned to do over this.

Leave him. Your heart might be broken now but there's a lifetime of tears ahead if you stay with him.

They will make every promise to make you feel safe - but they won't keep the promises. You'll say no photos, then suddenly you'll realise granny has your holiday photos on her phone, barely clothed grandchildren smiling in the sun. You say no contact with FIL but you will have gastro and suddenly FIL will be the only person your bf can contact for help wity xyz.

Save yourself a lifetime of fighting and your child a lifetime of abuse.

Also, think about the conversations you'd have to have with your child.

No "good" secrets would ever be possible. Not with anyone.

What age would they be before you had to explain why they can't go to the shop/park/soft play with Grandad?

And, and by no mean do I mean it's anyone other than an abusers fault, but who else would you be bringing into contact with him? Do you have family? Do you have nieces or nephews or friend's children who will know your fil? Do they live near you? Will your child's friend know 'X's grandpa'?

Speaking from experience, let her leave him. I never thought my stepdad would touch my DD, but he did. In his case, I think it was a hatred of women.

I'm with Lava.

Your bf of 4 YEARS never even attempted to tell you. Even when you were discussing moving in, even once you were living together, discussing having children... That is a HUGE deceit. I could never trust him again.

Your bf mother has NO BOUNDARIES when it comes to child protection, she prioritised her own love life over her child's safety.

The paedo is accepting NO responsibility for his crime(s I guarantee this is just the tip of the iceberg).

As the probation officer upthread said research has found that most sex offenders have offended HUNDREDS of times before being caught and offend multiple times after release - they're just more careful.

To have received a more than 30 month sentence in the late 90's with what looks like a lifetime SOR requirement strongly suggests it was a violent assault on a younger probably pre-teen child. Highly unlikely to be 'just' pictures etc.

I used to work on the periphery of cps and the shockingly low sentences mean when it IS a long sentence it must have been really bad.

I'm a survivor, my abuser was my father, on 2 occasions he touched me inappropriately while my mother was STOOD NEXT TO ME she didn't notice. She still doesn't believe me. My dd has NEVER been left alone with my mother let alone him.

You will NEVER feel your child/ren are safe within this family. Leave now.

So your bf was 15 and still a child when they married? Does he have any younger siblings? I am a very trusting person so would be inclined to think his mum is perhaps an okay person (especially as she told you about this, which must have been difficult)- but the fact she knowingly married a sex offender when she had at least one child in the house smacks of TERRIBLE judgment at absolute best. On the basis of that alone I'd say she was a bad mother and will probably also be a bad GM.
There is no way I would let my child be with either of them - even for a short period. As others have pointed out, you don't have to be "alone" with someone to abuse them. Your MIL pops to the loo. That is long enough for SFIL to do something. Even if he is never alone with your imaginary DC, the thought that he may be looking at your DC as sexual objects from across a room will haunt you. He might be touching himself thinking about them. You will have nightmares about it.
I personally wouldn't say leaving your BF is necessary but I would want to make sure nothing ever happened to him first. Then I would be asking some very probing questions about why he didn't tell you, what if you'd got pregnant before etc.
You also need to make sure you and bf are on exactly the same page re the stepdad and mum having contact with any DC. No "just this once", "it's only 10 mins" or "the baby sitter has cancelled, what else can we do" moments. If he isn't in agreement with you about these points then it's probably worth considering breaking up.

Never ever let this man anywhere near any future children you have. Having bipolar does not equate to being a paedophile, being in a bad place due to bipolar does not make you find children sexually attractive, being a paedophile does.

I find it quite ignorant and insulting for MIL to explain away his sexual attacks of children using bipolar.

She is obviously very naive and uninformed if she believes him, as you will be too if you allow this man to see your future children.

All contact with grandma must happen at your house, minus him. It only takes MIL to go to the toilet to give him a minute to do something heinous.

Low risk or not, placing a child in front of a paedophile is just asking for trouble.

Sorry if I sound blunt OP, but, you need to understand the magnitude of the situation and distance yourself from this disgusting man

Why would it even cross MIL mind that you would consider any children you may have to even stay with them in the first place, surely that's obvious and wouldn't happen. An odd thing for her to even ask you.

You must be absolutely reeling OP. What a stitch up. Your MIL is trying to implicate you in her decision.

She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house She wants to know if you will be willing to let your future DCs be around a convicted paedophile, like she did with her own DC.

But your own BF - it seems that left to hiim, he would have said nothing. You need to step right back from the relationship now, and think hard about what future ties you might want with him. Have you got somewhere to stay?