To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

Correct,apologies,theukdatabase.com

Today 19:24 LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Quite Apples. The smugness and pillorying of the OP (who is innocent) by posters here makes me so angry.

I wonder how many woman on this thread are smugly blasting the OP when their own husbands/partners/whatever ogle young girls, look for goodness knows what online and harbour thoughts that their partners are blissfully ignorant of but would be horrified about. They can spout off here when the only difference is their OHs haven't been caught and labelled. On balance of probabilities there are bound to be some.

Absolutely and if I found out I'd chuck him out be never to be near my kids again so what's ur point?? I'd say everyone would assume dh isn't a peodophile unlike op mil who knowingly married one!

If this were me - next time bf left the house for any length of time (eg. work), he'd be coming home to to an empty house. I'd be packing up my stuff and leaving ASAP. The relationship would be over.

There is no way in the world I'd be able to trust someone who'd deliberately kept something as monumental as this from me. To top it off, it wasn't even him who brought it to light! Just how long was he planning on keeping this horrific "secret"? Till the OP was pregnant? The child was born? The child had been abused? My mind boggles.

Laurat859I've not read all posts but I have read all of your posts. I am so sorry this has happened, it is terrible.

I'm with alarox "The sort of future you imagined with your DP and his family has been shot down in flames. I feel for your DP but in your position I'd get the hell away from them all." He could have told you this a long time ago but he foolishly waited, I say foolishly because I think waiting made it much worse.

Even your opening post showed your potential MIL to be very manipulative. She is expecting overnight stays! "She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc."

I adore my parents in law but my kids don't stay over with them, there is no risk, there is just no need to. It was never needed when they were little and both my kids are real home bodies. I never understand grandparents who automatically expect so much from new parents, to give up their kids overnight etc.

Also, "She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again." That is not something she can promise. She may trust him but she can't make you trust him as she cannot for a second guarantee anything, and neither can he.

PinkPanther27 Sun 22-Oct-17 00:14:09 makes some very important points.

Her judgement is totally out to allow this man into the house with her teenage son, that means she will not make a good grandma, that ship sailed the day she knowingly allowed a paedophile around her own child.

ElizabethDarcey is right "... the right reaction and decision, the one you can't quite see through the fog is - I WILL NEVER LET A PAEDOPHILE ANYWHERE NEAR ANY CHILD OF MINE, EVER."

treating the OP as if she would ever put her child at risk when she has one.

OP has agreed to giving MIL and her paedophile husband access to her children, has agreed to keep a relationship with him.

So, yeah, she's putting her future children at risk unless she gets the hell out of Dodge.

Don't be so busy defending the indefensible that you just don't bother reading her posts, or you'll look ridiculous.

OP I have no wish to make you feel any worse than you do at all.

I am so sorry this must be devastating.

I agree with others that your MIL 'offer' to leave her husband, if necessary, is emotional blackmail. I am afraid I would not trust her to do it anyway and even if she did it would change nothing. She has misled you, and so has your partner.

I do not think in any way you are a bad person, but I think you are already to some extent being forced into the position of making decisions or ideas of decisions that you cannot know about.

Some kind of promises "There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them."

This is a kind of 'promise' that you do not know whether you can keep. If you felt she was a risk to him/her/them, you would need to stop her seeing them. But your dp may feel differently and so you would not have control over this if you and he shared the custody of your children, e.g. together bringing them up or if you separated.

Please think about yourself in this too. You have had a shock. You have been lied to (effectively) by omission.

This has come to light now because children are a possibility but whenever you and your boyfriend started sleeping together children were a possibility then.

Please take care of yourself.

I wonder how many woman on this thread are smugly blasting the OP when their own husbands/partners/whatever ogle young girls, look for goodness knows what online and harbour thoughts that their partners are blissfully ignorant of but would be horrified about. They can spout off here when the only difference is their OHs haven't been caught and labelled.

That's a very odd comment really. If they don't know about it they can't do anything about it. I am sure if most people found out their husband's had been doing the above they would leave.

I think life is far too short to deal with something this messy and something potentially so dangerous. OP's partner may well be a victim of his upbringing but the fact that he kept it from her for four years and didn't even tell her before they moved in together does show that his judgment is off, for whatever reason.

I can't imagine how difficult that conversation is to bring up, but the time to bring it up is before you have made a commitment and moved in together. There is nothing to say he would have mentioned it if it wasn't for his mum breaking the news.

He has spent four years building a relationship with the OP, allowing her to become close to a child sex offender, moved in with her and he still doesn't tell her the truth. I don't know when the 'right time' is to disclose something like this, but it's way before you move in with someone.

I couldn't trust him. I most certainly couldn't trust that if they were to split up ever he wouldn't be manipulated into allowing his SF to spend time with their child.

I do have sympathy with the OP and her partner. I do think she would be making a big mistake having children with him though. I couldn't forgive my partner watching me becoming friendly with his SF knowing what he did and not telling me or giving me a chance to get out if I wanted to before I had moved in with him. Whatever his reasons and no matter how horribly sad it is for him the whole thing is so incredibly dysfunctional and dangerous surely the only safe thing to do is end the relationship?

treating the OP as if she would ever put her child at risk when she has one.

Did you read the below from the OP?

There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them.... Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.

OP has already agreed that her future MIL and FIL can see the (future) child. That is putting the child at risk. I hope if the OP does continue with this relationships and has a child that she changes her mind on allowing them any access.

I'm quite surprised that she married a man she knew was interested in children when presumably your boyfriend at the time would have been a child. It's unsettling to say the least.

Personally, I think she is too trusting and you are being almost too reasonable.

my uncle use to touch me inappropriately with my mum and dad and aunt all sat in the same room together so even supervised access is a risk. Sorry you have this to deal with

OP it would start out with good intentions and before you know it he’d be alone with them.

No way would I let a child sex offender round my kids, even supervised.

Nor would I let his apologist wife,

You say these offences were 20 years ago, was your DP ever a child living with him at any point?

And yes authorities would get involved. So if you let him round your children be prepared for social workers to sniff about.

Is it really worth it just to appease his mum?

Sorry just seen you said he was 15 when they got together

There's no point in agonising over it anyway OP, it will be taken out of your hands.
Something like this isn't just decided by the family, and thank God really.
Once he has a review, it will be flagged up and go to Social Services who you can then justify yourself to. Sentences like 'I would never stop my MIL seeing my children' 'he seems nice' sound hollow in a room full of professionals wanting to know why you've allowed access to a SO.
I don't mean to sound harsh but this will be your reality.

Hopefully your maternal instincts will kick in, or even better don't have children to bring into this family.

Sorry but I myself wouldn't even want to be around a woman that married a pedophile. Gross

One thing I wasn't sure whether to add earlier in addition to all the other advice was have you thought about the fact the SF is already grooming you? Paedophiles play the long game and he will know that at some point your DP will meet someone and settle down and is likely to have children. Until this revelation you trusted and liked him and you were presumably comfortable with him being around your home on a regular basis. Sorry to add to your burden but it's something else to consider.

There's a strong suggestion coming through on this thread that those with abusive parents shouldn't have children, and a general massive lack of empathy.

I suspect any good advice is being drowned out, which is a shame.

I get what you mean iBiscuit, that crossed my mind too and I chimed in with the "probably leave him" camp. I think though that if the DP was NC with his SD, and adamant he'd never clap eyes on so much as a photo of future children, responses would've been different. Instead the DP is all for involving this predator in their hypothetical kid's lives.

No, Biscuit. There really isn't.

I honestly think you’ll feel differently when you actually have children. I don’t say that in a nobbish way, but from experience. Something biological kicks in after having a baby where you just feel this primal urge to protect them and I don’t think you’d take the risk, no matter how small. Not sure what the answer is and I can see you’re in a difficult spot but perhaps something can be worked out where you mail can still have contact but perhaps just never alone? Having said that, it does boggle my mind that she would marry a man with that background in the first place. Especially as she had kids. I could never see past that kind of thing.

I don’t see that Biscuit, not at all. Most do not remain in contact with their abuser so their children would not be at risk. This is a very different situation.

I really don't know enough about this and I suggest you find out what he did and have him grant you permission to speak with whoever is responsible for monitoring him to understand what the appropriate precautions should be. Get facts and professional advice.

My instincts as a mother are zero contact with the step dad. They should have no relationship and really he should never meet your children. I'd also only allow supervised visits with your MIL as well. And I'd only feel comfortable if I truly felt an unwavering commitment to this strategy from my partner as well- maybe even a legal document in case of a future divorce codifying the arrangement.

The trust issue with your partner is complicated but I hope you can navigate it.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and good luck figuring out what you want to do.

Let's be honest here - there's an element of condoning what he did, too.

I would never want to tell my children that I brought them up with a man who was possibly sexually attracted to them but it was ok, because his wife was quite nice.

Don't feel guilty for your MILs choices

This

Neither your MIL or your bf were upfront about her H, whose to say that she or he is being completely transparent now. Being nice doesn’t mean she doesn’t have poor judgement and could you really trust the judgement of a woman who knowingly married a man on the register?

OP. I just came back to see how you were doing after being put in such a devastating position. Take care and take time and talk to people you trust. I hope you are ok. Thank you for posting to say how you were doing.

What a terrible dilemma to be in. However while I don't want to alarm you OP I have to echo Junebugjr here, the choices you are talking about i.e. whether to let this man see your future children may not be yours to make. In the course of my work i have come across two families who became involved with convicted sex offenders, both committed offenses against children. In both cases the children were allowed NO CONTACT AT ALL with the perpetrator. In one case it was the father of the family though he had committed no offense against his own children and in the other, the mother had formed a relationship with a sex offender and as she wanted to continue this relationship she lost custody of her children and was only allowed supervised contact with them. Since the man you posted about OP still has outside agencies involved in monitoring him i think it would be extremely unlikely that he would be allowed officially unsupervised contact with future grandchildren, if any at all. It will also put you in a bad light with any child protection professionals involved if you appear to condone or minimise his actions in the past.
I think you are being unfairly pressured and grooming does come to mind OP. I would seriously consider the implications of a continued relationship with your boyfriends family. As for your boyfriend i dont know what to say. I think until you have children its hard to really know how you would feel about them. But something isnt right here in what is being proposed re future children