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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know how to feel about this revelation?

425 replies

Laurat859 · 21/10/2017 23:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel Sad

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 22/10/2017 00:01

i thought if u were on th register you cant go near kids anyway?

sounds lik a lifetime registr so id be careful

RavenclawRealist · 22/10/2017 00:01

I might be wrong but I think Claire’s law might help you! It might not come to anything as you don’t have kids yet! But I think a request under this law means the police can consider telling you any relevant abuse charges about anyone in close contact with you/dc at least then you can know what he did! I maybe wrong though I have only known it used by someone in a direct relationship with the offender!
Personally I would be clear now, future mother in law is welcome to have a relationship with future dc but you won’t have them around her partner when you are not present! It’s up to her what she does about her relationship! Your only concern is the safety of your future children! I wouldn’t leave my dc around a registered sex offender with out me to protect them regardless of the circumstances!

Tuileries · 22/10/2017 00:02

but a diagnosis of bipolar does provide a handy excuse for paedophiles

Does it?! I have never heard of a paedophile using bipolar disorder as an excuse. What an odd thing to say.

Perfectly1mperfect · 22/10/2017 00:02

If the children were to stay over, how could you ensure they were never alone with him. Your mother in law would have to sleep at some point. I don't understand how anyone could be in a relationship with someone who they know has abused a child.

You need to protect any children that you have, not be worrying about her relationship with a paedophile breaking up.

Ellendegeneres · 22/10/2017 00:03

The bipolar element has fucked me off so much. It's tamer sounding than saying he's for example paranoid schizophrenic but more 'impressive' than saying something like he was depressed at the time.
Bipolar is an absolute bastard to live with sometimes (the mania I'd live with forever if possible-minus the consequences). I hate how it gets thrown around these days 'oh I'm so bipolar!' Cause you can't make up your fucking mind what you want for lunch 😡
I hope you go back and tell her you want nothing more to do with her paedo husband and she as a result of supporting the scum will never be alone with any future dc, nor will he ever get a chance to be in the same postcode.

Waddlingwanda · 22/10/2017 00:03

If he's still on the register after 20yrs it's got to be bad!!

Just for context there's a bloke by us who is not on the register and is now allowed to teach and tutor kids.
20yrs ago he got convicted and jailed for having child pornography images on his computer.
He is not in the register now as because he was jailed for less than 24months he was only on the register for 5yrs.

I would still not let my children near him.
Don't feel guilty for your MILs choices, she chose to marry a sex offender, it's her choice to leave him.

GabsAlot · 22/10/2017 00:04

oh and bipolar has nothing to do with being a peadophile

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 00:04

What a shock for you OP. I'm sure it was well intentioned but she really shouldn't have put that on you. Of course you need to know of his history but to leave you with the burden of choosing if she leaves him is so unfair.

Perfectly1mperfect · 22/10/2017 00:04

And it's an insult to anyone with bipolar to try to use this as an excuse to commit a disgusting crime.

RJnomore1 · 22/10/2017 00:04

Listen to your mother in law.

She's saying a child isn't safe with him.

She's saying she would end her relationship because of that.

She's saying your child would come first. I'm impressed. Take her at her word. Let's not think she's being manipulative.

Ttbb · 22/10/2017 00:04

No. And you wouldn't feel that way if you had children. Just oh my god why? Why would you allow someone who you know is a pedophile to some much as know about your child. So what if he doesn't actually rape them? That doesn't mean that he definitely won't have sexual thoughts about them or that he won't want to rape them. I know that a lot of pedophiles do their best to manage their condition without harming children but ffs do you really want your kid to grow up sitting of a pedo's knee?

user1471449805 · 22/10/2017 00:06

Even if she left her husband (no she won't) I still wouldn't leave my hypothetical child with someone so fucked up they married someone on the sex-offenders reg despite having children of her own this fantastic grandmother.

AnonEvent · 22/10/2017 00:07

You are not responsible for her relationship.

She is a 'nice woman' who has chosen a relationship with a child abuser.

There is no way in hell I'd allow a sex offender (of that type) any contact whatsoever with DD, not in a zillion years.

My parents were hippies, their community was open and loving and unfortunately became a haven for abusers. I was lucky, but I'll never quite forgive them for risking my safety by not questioning why certain people within their group were there.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 00:07

As above. You will forever feel uneasy if your children are even within his field of vision and the relationship with MIL would breakdown as a result.

Babbitywabbit · 22/10/2017 00:08

You describe this man as your boyfriend’s stepdad, which implies he was a father figure role for your boyfriend. Not just a partner his mother met since your boyfriend reached adulthood. So, his mother willingly allowed a convicted paedophile to take on the role of stepdad to her son???

SierraFerrara · 22/10/2017 00:08

More thinking: as someone above said, I wouldn't let him even meet the child.

MIL would be given supervised access. I don't think I could trust her to look after the child. Maybe she wouldn't put the child in harms way on purpose but she clearly thinks her peadophile husband isn't a risk so what's to stop her thinking it's OK for him to look after the child while she's in the other room cooking dinner for instance.

If she leaves him so she can have the child overnight etc I'm still not sure I'd be happy about it. She has effectively forgiven his actions and beleives that his illness made him do it, not him. That, to my mind is a bad enough call to make her judgement generally questionnable.

Original poster
Laurat859 · 22/10/2017 00:08

My boyfriend was 15 when they got married. Yes, he knew about it and says that he didn't tell me because it's not an easy thing to come out with...and I also think that his Mum didn't want me to know unless things got serious between us. To be fair they were serious for a long time before we moved in together though. I am irked that I wasn't told before, but it doesn't change how I feel about my partner, and it's not the most worrying thing about it tbh.
Also, I am fully aware that bipolar does not equal paedophile. I apologise if that is how it came across but I was just passing on how the information was given to me.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 22/10/2017 00:09

So did your bf not know about this?

Tuileries · 22/10/2017 00:11

I'm a bit surprised your boyfriend didn't tell you about it. It's not an easy thing to come out with, no, but neither are lots of things we tell our partners over the course of four years together. It must have affected him.

Fuckoffee · 22/10/2017 00:11

No, a million times no!
I get that you can be level headed about it at the moment whilst you haven't got a baby, but honestly, as soon as you have your real baby alarm bells will be screaming in your head. There is no way you will be leaving your baby with your mil and her oh. Once a paedo always a paedo. And if he still on the register 20 years on that must be some awful stuff he did.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/10/2017 00:13

What a horrid position for you to have been put in. At least you haven't, yet, got any DC that you have to worry about.
I think you will need talk to your DP about what his mother said. He's the one you're in the relationship with, not his family. Do tread very carefully when you start the conversation, though. If his mother was seeing the abuser when your DP was a child/young teen then there may be things that your DP will find it difficult and very distressing to talk about. Keeping in mind that you have no DC as yet, so there is no really urgent need to take action, think about how you would like your DP to respond, and whether or not you want to continue in the relationship with him if he takes his mother's line that it was a long time ago and the man is now safe because he's taking his meds. Your DP may also resist discussing it - and you will need to respect that. (There is no existing child you need to protect, so no urgent need to force your DP to talk about something which causes him serious distress.)
Don't feel you have to give his mother an answer as to whether or not you would leave a hypothetical child in her care, just yet. her relationship is not your responsiblity.

PinkPanther27 · 22/10/2017 00:14

As a former Probation Officer - No. It rings alarms on all sorts of levels and I question her motivation for disclosing this to you now. You can't police when he will be alone with children and he (step dad) will know that it isn't an option to have the children there overnight if he has any understanding about his offending and how to manage his risk. To still be on the sex offenders register 20 years later (and to have received a custodial sentence) suggests it was serious. Most sex offenders commit up to either 200/300 (sorry can't remember exact stat) offences before they are caught. Bi polar is not a cause of sexual offending and the fact that he has used this as a justification when explaining his offending to your MIL is very concerning and suggests he isn't accepting responsibility for his behaviour and is minimising his offending. I could go on, don't promise anything. Having children really challenges all the views you thought you had.

PressPaws · 22/10/2017 00:14

Before I had children I had no idea how protective I would feel towards them. It's not fair of her to expect you to make a decision or commitment like that now. Particularly one with a big consequence.

For me personally, I don't like sleepovers at the best of times. No way would I be agreeing to one with a known sex offender in the house.

KadabrasSpoon · 22/10/2017 00:14

If your boyfriend was 15 when they married I'm assuming the step dad was on the scene before they married so he would've been younger. It's possible he could have been abused too. Have you asked him?

SierraFerrara · 22/10/2017 00:15

Yes. MIL let a peadophile live with her son. She would not be getting any unsupervised time with my child ever.
I would also be having serious words with my partner. He really, really should have told you.