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Original poster

To not know how to feel about this revelation?

425 replies

Laurat859 · 21/10/2017 23:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel Sad

OP posts:
whathaveiforgottentoday · 22/10/2017 00:38

I think you need more information on what the actual crime was. Did your BF already know about this? She has had the decency to be up-front on this issue and for me i would like to know exactly what the details were.

EvilDemonRaspberryOverlord · 22/10/2017 00:39

Your bf has had a narrow escape I think, he could easily have been a victim.

Actually, there's no guarantee of that. The bf didn't tell OP about the sex offender, so could be hiding other stuff.

OP, you need to get information from a credible source, eg police, and then have a good hard think about your future. A little Googling suggests that to be placed on the register for more than 10 years you need to have received a sentence of 30 months or more. This may not be completely accurate, but a sentence of this severity suggests the offence/s were very serious.

Allthewaves · 22/10/2017 00:39

She would be welcome to visit children in my house but that would be it.

TinyDoom · 22/10/2017 00:39

This is a tricky situation, and you have my total sympathy. My step-brother has a similar conviction from 10 years ago and lives with my father and my step-mother.

The situation is awkward because SM has tried to keep it hidden from the rest of the family. My father told me (in confidence), as he wanted me to be able to make the right decisions for my family with all the relevant information.

We don't visit them when my step brother is home. I have had to make some weird excuses, as my father has asked that I not let on to my DSM that I know about SB, but I don't want my children to encounter SB, ever. My DF has also justified that SB was in a bad place with MH and substance abuse at the time, but I'm not willing to take the risk.

You don't need to encourage them to split up (what an unfair burden to put on you!!!), and you can manage the situation, but I, personally, wouldn't allow your FIL access to your children. x

1stTimeMama · 22/10/2017 00:40

Also, I'm not sure how you are meant to act when you next see this man. I wouldn't be able to be around him, even if I didn't have children. I couldn't knowingly associate with a child sex offender!

I would actually be honest now, and not wait until I had children, and I would tell future MIL that yes, she needs to leave him as she would not be allowed a relationship with any future grandchildren if she remained with him. She can throw the blame at you if she likes, but I wouldn't care. I'd rather that than the unthinkable alternative.

Isadora2007 · 22/10/2017 00:41

I’m wondering how it was okay or possible for the MIL to marry a man on the sex offenders reheated with a child under 16 in the home?
It all sounds iffy to me. To make a fully informed decision I would be sitting down with all three of them and talking it over- the actual offense, the conviction, the post- conviction contact eg probabtion etc length of time on the register etc.
Then I would be able to make the decision. Without overreacting. Informed and rational.

Good luck.

AuntyElle · 22/10/2017 00:42

Terrible advice, Skittles. You think she's going to get the truth from a convicted paedophile?

ElizabethDarcey · 22/10/2017 00:43

Make her tell you what he did. Make her sit there and say the words she avoided saying when she 'told' you. Then see how kind and forgiving you feel - of either of them.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 22/10/2017 00:44

My mum and MIL take fucking millions of pictures of my kids. We have pics of them in the bath, dressed in nappies and just vest in summer time, in small dresses with maybe their pants showing if it's mid twirl. And that's fine, because they're trusted adults and my kids know this, it's ok for granny to be around when they're in the bath, or to change their nappies, or to change their clothes if needed. You really want 'grandad' (and he will be a trusted adult to your future dc, as you'll have made him one by allowing him to have access to your dc) to have pictures of your dc on his phone? Where might they end up?

I'm just trying to highlight how much work it would be to keep your dc safe - and it would probably still fail, because paedophiles are sneaky fucks who'll do anything to get their kicks. Don't risk it op. I know it's hypothetical, but when it's not, protect those kids.

JemimaLovesHamble · 22/10/2017 00:45

Ask what he did. You may even be able to ask at your local police station as there is a risk he may be around your future children.

Do not promise that your dc's could be at their house without you. And NEVER let them stay over. Some things just aren't worth the risk. For what it's worth I also have a child sex offender in the family. It's not widely known, and he's very popular in our local community, also the "would do anything for anybody" type. Very friendly, very charitable, very trustworthy (seemingly)... I assume a lot of abusers fit that description.

notapizzaeater · 22/10/2017 00:47

I’d need to know the full details - not saying it’s right but sex then with a 15 yr old is totally different to sex with a 3 yr old.

brasty · 22/10/2017 00:48

If you have a child, you protect them and put them first. No way should you let a sex offender anywhere near them. An adults feelings are not your responsibility.

And when people have bipolar episodes, their personality is still present. It might mean that someone would do something they would not normally, but the desire would have been there all along.

brasty · 22/10/2017 00:50

notapizzaeater no way someone has visits once a year at this stage for that. This will not be a minor offence.

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 00:54

There's already been secrecy, lies, minimising, normalisation and the worst of all, trying to pass paedophilia off as a symptom of bipolar. I'm horrified.

I'm also a bit Hmm that in 4 years of intimate, soul bearing relationship, your DP has never divulged any of this. It's like further conditioning to be secretive and minimising, probably by his DM.

Follow your gut instinct here OP. Please!

Perfectly1mperfect · 22/10/2017 00:55

If my mother married someone she knew was a paedophile my relationship with her would be over, whether I had children or not. The fact that your partner is still in contact with both of them would make me run away from the whole situation. Secrets and lies about abusing a child....I would seriously get away from them all.

GrimDamnFanjo · 22/10/2017 00:55

I'm wondering whether your MIL wants to leave him? That if you were to say she should then it gives her the escape she is looking for?

Temporary2002 · 22/10/2017 00:57

I have only read your first post, but no, I would not have a sexual deviant around my kids. I think it is great that she told you, but I also wonder why she would marry him knowing this. Going to go read the thread now.

tillytown · 22/10/2017 01:00

Your boyfriend kept this from you for four years, why aren't you mad at him? If his mother hadn't told you, would he have ever said anything?

Insomnibrat · 22/10/2017 01:00

Sorry to get all ragey about this I'm absolutely aghast that she ever fucking married the creep!

What sort of woman marries a convicted paedo!?! Really!!!

HermionesRightHook · 22/10/2017 01:01

How do you feel about her now OP? Obviously you can't let him have anything to do with children and even if they were split up I don't think I could ever leave them alone with her either - it's a horrifying lapse of judgement that's been going on for over twenty years. He must have an incredible hold over her for her not to have woken up one day and gone "wtf am I doing". I wouldn't trust them to be only pretending to break up.

Frankly I could never see him again full stop after this revelation and I'd be seriously iffy about her too, children or no.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 22/10/2017 01:02

When was the Sex Offenders register set up? I didn't think it was as long ago as 20 years, and didn't think it could be applied retrospectively.

If I am right someone is telling lies.

Original poster
Laurat859 · 22/10/2017 01:02

Thanks for asking @1stTimeMama. I am questionning everything now. I feel sick with worry as I know this is hypothetical for now, but we definately planned children in our future.

OP posts:
HashtagTired · 22/10/2017 01:03

I couldn’t give a crap whether or not she wants to leave him, that’s up to her, nothing to do with you.
I wouldn’t let my children near a known child sex offender. Not a chance. Depending on my instinct and relationship, I’d let her come and visit said grandchildren but he wouldn’t be allowed near.

HermionesRightHook · 22/10/2017 01:03

In fact, pending a very serious conversation with the boyfriend, I'm not sure I could continue to be in a relationship with a man who didn't mention this to me for 4 years. What if you had friends' children with you and you saw him? How can you safeguard nieces and nephews when your don't have all the information?

blackteasplease · 22/10/2017 01:03

I've just been involved with a case where the defendant had previous for child sex offences.

He managed to abuse another child family member under the noses of other relatives who were supposedly being vigilant to ensure nothing ever happened. They failed, just as your mil would fail to protect her grandkids of her dh is determined paedophile.