To not know how to feel about this revelation?

[Laurat859]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel

Actually I think the stepdad-paedophile/MIL thing is a red herring. You are in a relationship with a man who has lied to you for 4 years about something that effects your entire plans for a future together. I would be leaving.

Isn't it a shame she didn't feel as protective of her own son as she does her hypothetical grandchild.

There's a lot of great advice on this thread OP.

They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day.

She has already proven she is an appalling mother figure to bring such a dangerous person into her son's life. Why do you think she'll be a "fantastic grandmother"? Because she's welcoming and a good host? It takes more than that to be a good grannie. My mil is a self-proclaimed matriarch whose family is THE most important thing. Yet when a problem arises and her family need her most she sticks her head in the sand and pretends everything's fine, there are no problems in her perfect family! One of many reasons I'm nc with her. Your future mil at best sounds like this: in total denial, putting on a front.

I agree with pp that it's manipulative of all three of them to tell you like this, almost grooming you to accept it as "ok" to have a paedophile around any future children. They let you get close to them all for a few years then "oh by the way SD abused children...it was twenty years ago though! He's on meds now, he's fiiine!" Is he fuck.

Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.

If you do have a baby I guarantee you'll change your mind on this, but your boyfriend might not. That would be a huge source of conflict. Even if you do go along with their assurance that SD will never be alone with them, this won't be guaranteed and policing it will be exhausting. What about when you're in work and DP has them for the day to himself? He visits his mum and SD without you. Leaves your child with her while he does a bit of shopping. He'll think it ok because you won't know and his mum's there so nothing will happen, right? Until his mum nips to the loo/other room/takes a phone call/etc.

The more time goes on I'd bet you'd start to get pressure from all sides to let your child sleep over too. "DC is ten now, SD has been on his best behaviour! Why not let them sleep over? It's been 30 odd years since he last abused a child and he's still on meds! Poor mil just wants to be a good grannie!" Well she shouldn't have married a child abuser then.

I could never sit down for a meal with him again, or even breathe the same air. I'm all for rehabilitation and second chances for criminals, but not in this case. What would your family have to say if they knew? Are there children on your side? Thinking about occasions when you come together and other people's children are exposed to him... wedding, christening, your child's birthday parties.

Sorry OP, this is an awful situation for you. The sort of future you imagined with your DP and his family has been shot down in flames. I feel for your DP but in your position I'd get the hell away from them all.

What a terrible thing to find out. I'd be getting facts from police (or link upthread) then once I knew the truth I'd want to confront your dp as perhaps he was fed same lines and doesn't understand the severity etc

If I were you I’d want all the facts. There is also now way I’d be letting my child stay at MiL’s house.

I suspect that when you are actually pregnant your protective instincts will kick in and you won’t want him anywhere near you.

The other thing you need to ask yourself is this - why did the tell you?

Honesty? - you've known them for FOUR years and you already live together so it's not that.

Respect? - ditto above.

If she really believes he's no danger and they've not told you for all this time then why tell you at all? It's not honesty or respect or loyalty. So what is it?

I'd put money on it being because if his conditions.

It'll be because if she didn't tell you then, once you had a child, someone else would. Which again completely rubs against her "it wasn't serious" stance.

You can't even begin to make an agreement for that man to be part of your lives in the way you have without knowing the full detail of his offence(s) and the conditions upon his release.

Do not sleepwalk your way into a decision that, not only potentially pits your child in danger, but could unwittingly see you face questions like "why did you allow this man contact with your child when you knew his crime and he is not allowed contact with children/another breached condition".

This is a very awkward situation for you granted, however no there is no way in hell i would let this man near any child of mine. Once a paedo always a paedo. Even if supervised you'd never know what thoughts were going through his head when looking at your child.
Also, your boyfriend and his mum have actively kept this from you for a very long time which is wrong. Not to mention the fact she's making excuses for him like his bi polar, and she thought he was an acceptable person to marry and put in her own child's life (and yes 15 is still a child). As for your boyfriend not even having the decency to tell you after 4 years together... sorry but this whole situation has red flags written all over it.

It’s a tough one OP. I have a close family member who is on the sex offenders register for an offence from 15 years ago when he was an alcoholic. He never actually touched a child but the offences related to children (mainly internet based) and i found it very difficult to come to terms with at first.

He’s now 13 years sober and in a very different place. I love him very much still. He does have a relationship with my young son, who he adores, but I would never leave him in sole care, myself or another trusted family member are always present when he is with my son. I really don’t think he would ever, ever harm him, but I don’t even want to have to think of the possibility being there. I have spoken to his probation officer who assure me he is very low risk and they have no concerns, they are happy with that I am doing - allowing contact with my child but not alone. Maybe you could ask to speak to your DP’s stepdads probation officer?

As for how would i feel about the revelation? it would change the way i saw him forever and to be honest i dont think i could be in the same house as him after being told... total disgust, revulsion, fear and anger!

And for the future.....
no way in hell i would be putting my children anywhere near a registered sex offender, alone or not!

The risk is too high and putting temptation right there on tap is just asking for disaster, if the children are there day in day out, how long until the temptation becomes overwhelming to him and he cracks?

who is there safeguarding the kids if she needs to leave the room to make a cup of tea or go to the loo? those few mins a few times a day is prime grooming time!

Tbh I'd walk away now. They've all lied to you, by omission, but lied. Let you get so far into a serious relationship and then tell you this.

If you have a child you cannot trust any of them to protect that child. What about at your wedding, birthday parties, even at your house? How will you protect other kids? Who will you have to tell?

You can walk away and I would.

The register was set up in 1997 so about twenty years ago means pretty much when it was set up.

Indefinitely being on it means that the sentence was more than 30 months.

He would have had to register within three days of release.

It is possible to apply to get oneself removed after fifteen years, if the police are satisfied that it is not necessary for the person to be on the register any more.

Were there not some kind of checks when he started dating your potential MiL, as she had a child in the house?

I think she’s done several terrible things

Emotionally blackmailed you..made you the cause of her relationship ending.
Left the decision to you when she should have taken it herself ie I will only see them at your house
With held vital information about what this man has done. As others have said, yearly visits indicate this man is a paedophile of such significance that twenty years on it still concerns the authorities.
Tried to blame his crime on his mental health, when very clearly he is simply a paedophile. The fact he is also bi polar is not relevant. It is not thr cause of his paedophillia.
And both her and your partner have lied to you by omission .

No, I would not have the kids alone with him. She can come to your house. I also feel that there is a very good chance he will not be allowed contact if he is still under supervision and you yourself could be seen as putting your children at risk by leaving them with a convicted and known paedophile.

On a side note, I’d be sickened by her and your partner, but particularly her. She knows what he is and she stays with him. Sickening.

You'd never let him alone with your children. OK, what about at your wedding, at your christening, at Christmas, at the summer BBQ? You cannot make sure that he wont manage to be alone with a child at those occasions. Your family will not be too pleased if they have to watch their children every single second because your FIL is on the loose. And how will your BF, MIL and FIL react if you tell your family? Which of course you must if they have to be in his presence.

Were there not some kind of checks when he started dating your potential MiL, as she had a child in the house

Probably but paedophiles tend to stick within a certain demographic. So for example if his attraction is to infants, or a certain gender under three years old, a 15 year old would not be deemed at risk. Babies and infants would be at risk, or girls. It’s not just any minor.

I’d also add, unless someone sleeps with the children at their house there is no way to watch them at all times.

It’s irrelevant though, you should not put children at risk and I doubt you will be permitted to.

I have unfortunately been in a similar situation, your mil is manipulating you. When i told her she would only ever have supervised access with my child she went to extraordinary lengths to drive a wedge between my partner and I and we did seperate over it. You need to discuss this fully with your partner and ensure that he will back you whatever happens even if it means his children not seeing his mum. There are so many things to consider about this what If you and partner split post children for example, would you trust him to stick to your agreement? If mil did split from her partner would you trust her 100% to have your dc unsupervised?

If you do have children, don't let them even meet this man.

It doesn't matter if he never has them unsupervised: he can abuse them in front of you and you won't necessarily know. I know this because it repeatedly happened to me, when I was a tiny child.

You won't be able to ever let him see your children. And you should think twice about letting your mother in law have access to your children, because she is so obviously minimising and denying what he did, and can't be trusted. It's appalling that she invited a sex offender into her life when her son was still so young. She thinks it's fine for a child to spend time with her partner? No. It isn't. It's dangerous.

And you won't be able to trust your partner to keep your children safe from his mother and step father, because he's been lying to you about this for four years now. He might agree to protect your child from them both, but he might well end up pushing at that, dropping in on them when he's bringing the child home from school, that sort of thing.

I wouldn't trust a single one of them.

She doesn’t trust him but doesn’t want to be the one to say it

Would your DP be happy to leave his DC alone with his step-father?

I would leave. MIL can’t be trusted because she exposed her DC to a paedophile by marrying one. He can’t be trusted because he’s a paedophile. And your boyfriend kept this from you for 4 years, despite you discussing your future plans to start a family. You can’t trust any of them.

If you have children you do everything in your power to keep them safe. Letting a known paedophile have contact with your dc is not keeping them safe. There will be times when the dc will be unsupervised by mil, toilet trips, when she's sleeping, etc it's not worth the risk.

Nope nope and all the nope's

I think you are being extraordinarily naive.

You say of course you'll let them see your children? Really??

If social services find out you could be held at fault for letting your children be anywhere near someone on the register. Your MIL is unlikely to be considered a sufficiently protective factor. Beyond that think about how you’d feel if your future child disclosed abuse had happened at the hands of this man when you knew the risk and put them in that situation.

I don’t have children yet either but it would be over my dead body they’d be allowed near someone I knew was on the register, even if that person was someone I was close to and cared about. Your children will have to come first.

Bluntness that is what I was wondering, because if it was children as oppose to adolescents, then surely the OP’s hypothetical DC would be more at risk?