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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not know how to feel about this revelation?

425 replies

Laurat859 · 21/10/2017 23:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel Sad

OP posts:
DJBaggySmallpox · 22/10/2017 00:15

If she feels she would need to leave him, then why hasnt she left him already?

user1471449805 · 22/10/2017 00:16

And not only would I not be allowing either of the grandparents near my hypothetical child, I'd also be questioning the secrecy / lies / manipulation that my dp must have been party to while everyone was keeping this trying to keep this under wraps. What is his normal?

Babbitywabbit · 22/10/2017 00:17

I am so shocked that your bfs mother knowingly brought a paedophile info her home with her child. Thinking about time scales, since you’ve been with your bf 4 years, and assuming his mother must have dated this guy for at least a while before marrying him... when he first arrived in your boyfriend’s childhood home, the offence would have been pretty recent.

This all makes this woman’s judgement sound terrible.

LadyDeLaFuente · 22/10/2017 00:18

No way in hell would I let my child be anywhere near him. As far as I'm aware, paedaphilia is not something that you "grow out of" or that comes and goes when you're "in a bad place". It's sexual attraction and anyone that could feel attracted to my child and hurt them by acting on it wouldn't be allowed anywhere near them.

As a PP said, he was last convicted 20 years ago but that doesn't mean he's "cured".

I'd want to know the details (from the police) before making any decisions. For me, an 18-year-old man being convicted for sleeping with his 15-year-old girlfriend isn't the same as a grown man watching child porn or grooming a young girl/boy.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 00:18

15 is still a child. She didn't deem him enough of a risk not to be around her son but sh felt she needed to tell you? There are so many red flags here.

steppemum · 22/10/2017 00:20

Laura - so your bf was only 15, just a kid, my ds is15, and I am trying to imagine a situation where I would willingly put him day by day in the care of someone on the register.

ds, I might add is 6 feet tall with a voice cracking as he is changing, but he is still a kid. Still has that vulnerable kid edge to him which exactly what paedophiles like.

More than that, your bf was 15 when they married, but younger than that when they started going out.

I am really sorry, but her judgement is really off if she allowed him into the house with her son when he was a teenager.

Your bf has had a narrow escape I think, he could easily have been a victim.

I know that she believes that he was ill and therefore not in a good place, but really people when they are ill don't suddenly get attracted to kids and start abusing them.

There are so many things you need to think about and talk about with her and with your bf.

emmyrose2000 · 22/10/2017 00:22

She will be a fantastic grandmother one day

No, she wont.

She's already shown that she completely lacks in good judgement. She's subjected her own son to a pedophile for however many years. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

I would never in a million, billion years knowingly let my child be around a known sexual abuser, or the person stupid enough to marry one.

The fact she's making excuses for him by spouting bullshit about his meds, being bi-polar etc shows just how screwed up she is. The fact she even willingly stayed with him - and subjected her child/ren to him! - after finding out about his past shows how out of touch with reality she is. Your poor boyfriend - his mother valued her own sex life over her child's well being.

I'd cut both her and her pedophile husband out of my life permanently. What does your bf think of this? Why hasn't he mentioned this to you before now? I'd be reexamining my relationship with him, that he thought it was okay to keep something on this scale from you.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 00:23

I wonder if Mil felt somehow the younger children are more vulnerable to her partner.

I'll get flamed for this, but I wouldn't trust her judgement. I also couldn't trust her capacity to protect your child given her own history and I'd be livid that she put your partner at risk for so long.

Although, given the context, it's every bit as likely that she's a victim herself in this and she's just looking for a reason to be strong enough to leave.

RavenclawRealist · 22/10/2017 00:26

Dose you dp know what he did? How does he feel about leaving potential children around this man??? You can’t judge him on what this guy did IMO but you absolutely should judge his reaction! Any partner of mine needs to put our children’s safety above all else! Including his mother!! No excuses!! If he doesn’t see the danger I would think twice if he was the one for me!

emmyrose2000 · 22/10/2017 00:28

Cross posted with your last update.

So your boyfriend knew about this and didn't tell you? I'd be ditching him right now too.

He willingly subjected you to a known sex offender. That is never okay. What if you'd been babysitting one day and unknowingly subjected the child to the pevert, yet your bf did know about the danger? Horrifying and unacceptable.

Slimthistime · 22/10/2017 00:28

I dont have children but I have to have a friend's daughter two days a week

I wouldn't allow her in a room with a known offender regardless of who else is present

Sorry but I think the BF mum must be a horrible person to be with this man.

Skittlesandbeer · 22/10/2017 00:28

I can’t help but think that you should talk to this man yourself. You mention you have a good relationship with him up until this point.

All this secrecy, denial and covert conversations, not healthy. Isn’t this as much of a problem (from your perspective) as the fact of his offending?

Your future MIL has let you know that there’s an elephant in the room that will affect your joining the family. Best way with elephants is to approach them with honesty and decisiveness and see where it goes. I think you’d learn a lot more doing this than just researching through the police. I’d do both, to be clear, but in the end the info you need to make decisions on will have to include how he sees himself.

You can’t go on the info of MIL and DP, they seem to be too scared of the elephant in the room to really face it.

Also, keep in that this is a recent shock for you, but you don’t have any decisions to make right now. You have time to process it, research calmly, talk more and come to your own conclusions. It’s unlikely to be as black and white as it seems right now.

Slimthistime · 22/10/2017 00:30

I also think your BF should have told you
I appreciate he's in a horrible position but it's something he should have told you before things got serious

WeirdAndPissedOff · 22/10/2017 00:31

This is an awful position for you to be put in, and I wouldn't know the best way to proceed if I were you. Flowers
However, there's no way you can allow this man even a chance of unsupervised
access - no overnights at MIL's, etc. As Pps have said, his offence must have been pretty serious, and I have doubts about MIL's judgement. Even if her judgement is usually great, it's not feasible for her to promise never to let him be alone with visiting/staying children.

I'd also be wary of potential children trusting him. Will he be "Grandad"? How could you explain to them that they're not to go anywhere with him if eg they bump into him whilst out alone or with friends?

It's all a complete minefield - it must be awful for you to process! Sad

Re the bipolar, I do know of someone who has used this excuse, along with "actually it was mostly my mate, I just got blamed for it". I guess people use anything they can to justify or minimise their behaviour.

Bubblebubblepop · 22/10/2017 00:33

Something isn't right here- op dont take what your mil says at face value

ElizabethDarcey · 22/10/2017 00:33

It speaks volumes that she didn't tell you what he did - and that they're both trying to pass it off as mental illness. The pair of them are liars and/or in denial. Neither of them are to be trusted.

It's very, very manipulative to ask you a question like that in that way, before you've had children and once you've had years to build up a relationship with this man. She knows that your judgment will be slightly clouded by not knowing how it feels to be a parent and having friendly feelings towards him.

Just so you now - the right reaction and decision, the one you can't quite see through the fog is - I WILL NEVER LET A PAEDOPHILE ANYWHERE NEAR ANY CHILD OF MINE, EVER.

No compromise. No 'as long as she's with the child'. No no no. Absolutely not, no way. NEVER.

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/10/2017 00:33

I'm not sure I could even trust your partner's reaction to be rationale. He spent some of his formative years trying to justify why his mother would be in a relationship with a child sex offender. That's hard. There must have been a fair amount of minimising and normalising in that home. Has he had help to process that?

Linzilou1985 · 22/10/2017 00:34

I'd be running for the hills!

ElizabethDarcey · 22/10/2017 00:35

*know

And whilst I'm here, I should just add that I wouldn't let them be around her either, as she's clearly someone with terrible judgment.

Haveyoutriedturningitoffandon · 22/10/2017 00:35

If you leave your child with the partner of a sex offender, while he's around, you're effectively leaving them with the sex offender - she's already defending him isn't she? Unmedicated Bipolar disorder made him do it. Bullshit. People with bipolar disorder deal with many symptoms, but paedophilia is not one of them.
As pp says. She nips to the shops, I mean, it's been 20 years and he's medicated, and he promised he'd behave. Well of course your child is safe. Aren't they? After all he promised..... he wouldn't lie.....

ChasedByBees · 22/10/2017 00:35

I certainly would not let him be around my children and I don't think I'd be happy leaving them with a MIL who was happy to marry him in the first place knowing his history either.

Originalfoogirl · 22/10/2017 00:36

If you say you have a problem with it, she is prepared to leave him?

Sounds like she wants to leave him, but needs someone else to pin the blame on.

You absolutely should tell her if you have children he will never be allowed near them. Ever. Even if you are in the room with him.

What she chooses to do with that is up to her. Not a snowball's chance in hell I'd knowingly have a convicted paedophile in the room with my daughter.

1stTimeMama · 22/10/2017 00:36

OP, the replies are obviously overwhelming, so how do you feel now, having read the dismay of every single poster?

I have a friend in a very similar situation. Her MIL's boyfriend is on the register, and she was contacted by the police to inform her. My friend has a 4yr old son. She won't have anything to do with her MIL for the situation she has put her family in, and only allows visits between her and her DS when her DH is there. Her DH won't go NC as "it's his Mum".

If it were me, neither would have even the tiniest of chances of being around my children. Him for obvious reasons, and her for her utter naivety, dismissal, acceptance and support of such a person and their crimes.

AuntyElle · 22/10/2017 00:37

I agree with emmy. But also, your boyfriend obviously knew you could have got pregnant at any time without planning to. And he would have then had to tell you this whilst you were pregnant.

luckyDuvet · 22/10/2017 00:37

Sounds like she wants to leave him, but needs someone else to pin the blame on

That's what I assumed as well.