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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know how to feel about this revelation?

425 replies

Laurat859 · 21/10/2017 23:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. I moved in with him a few months ago, and with this came some shocking news from his Mum.
She came round and sat me down to tell me that her husband (my boyfriend's step-dad) is on the sex offenders register. The offence was against children, it was about 20 years ago (before she met him) and he has done time in prison for it. That is all I know about what he did.
She said that the reason she was telling me now was that obviously things have become more serious between myself and her son, and if we are planning on children in the future then I need to know. She said she needed to know my feelings because when she has grandchildren she wants to see lots of them and be able to have them stay over at their house etc etc. If knowing about her husband's past meant that I wouldn't let that happen then she said she would prepare to leave him.
She told me that he suffers with bipolar and when the offence(s) was committed he was in a really bad place and it wasn't under control with medication. Not that that was any excuse, but now his mental health issues are being treated well. Apparently as part of being on the register, he has yearly visits and he is deemed very low risk. She trusts him completely that nothing will happen again.
I was completely shocked. I have always got on well with him and he has done so much to help myself and my boyfriend. They have welcomed me into their family.
There is no way that I would stop my boyfriend's Mum from seeing our children when we have them. She will be a fantastic grandmother one day. But there was also no way that I could put her in the position that she is willing to leave her husband. They are a very close couple and I know that she would be devastated to be brought to do that. Myself and my boyfriend agreed that, should we have children, then as long as his step-dad is never alone with them, then of course they will see them.
Does this sound reasonable? Or am I being a bad mother before I am even a mother? It is playing on my mind that I have agreed to this, but what if I feel differently once said children arrive? What if, god forbid, something were to happen to them? It would be my fault for risking the situation.
I just don't know how to feel Sad

OP posts:
SacreBlue · 23/10/2017 14:05

@tiggytape & others have said what I think too - you would be 100% responsible for your potential child's safety 24/7 regardless of continuing a relationship with their father because of the established relationship he has with his mother and her partner and their minimisation of the abusers actions or potential actions.

I have substantial mental health issues due to family members being beholden to the person who abused me because he was so 'helpful' to them for other reasons.

He USED that feeling of gratefulness for admittedly good deeds so - were they good deeds or a way to leverage control? I think the latter. So I can and have forgiven my family but the damage is done.

I am left with a fractured, but better with therapy, relationship with my family AND (so far & I'm over 40) life long suicidal thoughts and destructive behaviours because that predator stalked my family and convinced them they needed him and he was a nice person.

He wasn't, he manipulated them as he manipulated me and he was a disgusting, filthy, abusive man acting like a good neighbour and 'friend' of the family.

You do not even have a child yet and so are in a position of power over whether you choose to stay in contact with this family and most importantly of all, whether you bring a child into that dangerous environment.

As an abused child and a single mum I have to tell you unequivocally that it's hard enough raising a child without inflicting on yourself the need to police a paedophile AND those that think he isn't a danger - it will destroy you even if you manage to do it nevermind the utter devastation on you and any child if your careful policing failed.

Don't stay with him OP, not unless he can see and understand and commit to full child protection.

I have forgiven my parents but I never feel 'safe' even now and it is criminal to inflict that in a child because it lasts (for me so far, even with LOADS of therapy) forever so you can choose something better for your future children by saying NO no contact, no minimisation, no setting a child up to think it's ok to excuse abuse.

I hate when people say 'crying while reading' it seems so me,me,me but fuck that, I am crying and it's because no one helped me, and you are walking open eyed into something that may kill your child. Because even nearly 40yrs on I still want to go to sleep and not wake up to remembering what was done to me and how that bastard manipulated my family to make me the problem.

I hope you (and your partner if he has he sought help to process) can have a good and happy life free from the black hole of abuse and all that surrounds it.

billabye · 23/10/2017 14:10

SacreBlue Flowers

Acadia · 23/10/2017 14:31

She has made her choice. She's stayed with a convicted paedophile all these years and now she wants to make it all your fault if she 'has' to leave him? That's going to make grandparent visits fun.

She's made excuses, says he was 'in a bad place'. What next, blaming the victim? She won't be 'a fantastic grandmother' because she chose to remain with a sex offender for so very long. She won't cut her ties so easily.

Don't get too hung up on 'sleepovers' and stuff, neither of my sets of grandparents nor my parents are remotely interested in our children and barely see them, it's not a necessary part of a relationship. She can come and visit at your house but no solo-trips. She'll only take them to see him.

Acadia · 23/10/2017 14:32

Oh, I'm sorry to hear your boyfriend knew and kept it from you. That's awful.

Italiangreyhound · 24/10/2017 00:07

SacreBlue I am so sorry to hear your story.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 24/10/2017 07:49

Sacreblue Flowers

desertmum · 24/10/2017 09:07

OP read and re-read and then read again SacreBlue's post - I'm not bashing you OP just very concerned that they have all done a number on you and minimised the seriousness of this situation.

SacreBlue so sorry to read your story and the devastating effects it has had on your life.

user838383 · 24/10/2017 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadMags · 24/10/2017 09:27

SacreBlue Flowers

I'm so sorry. I understand.

I sometimes feel like I've forgiven my parents (and I know it wasn't their fault) but I know deep down I haven't really. How can you?

differentnameforthis · 24/10/2017 09:57

(downloading child porn) It's not "porn" they are images of child exploitation/images of child abuse. Not porn.

not saying it’s right but sex then with a (raping a) 15 yr old is totally different to sex with (rape of) a 3 yr old

And no it isn't.

Whinesalot · 24/10/2017 10:18

Op I really hope you are still reading this even if you are not posting. It's easy for everyone to say they'd leave etc but I can't imagine how difficult that will be.
It's hard enough getting your head round the fact that that nice bloke is a danger and undoing all your feelings about him in your head and that's before everyone advocating leaving your dp.

Please take time to process this. I hope that when you discuss all this with your dp he can see where you are coming from. I hope that he can begin to understand how he had been forced to minimise it and normalize it through his mother's actions. Perhaps with therapy for him, you and he can start reading from the same page and make sure that your potential children never set eyes on him. If he can't see the sense it that then, yes you should reevaluate your relationship with him. But he is a victim in this too and will need time and help to process his emotions. You might want to do this together rather than just give up on him.

You both need to make it clear to mil that no child of yours will ever see mils partner. Any action she takes after that is her decision alone and you shouldn't feel responsible for any decision she makes and their consequences.

It might be worth getting your dps agreement in writing in advance though in case you ever need to go the legal route in any future split.

MadMags · 24/10/2017 10:23

It might be worth getting your dps agreement in writing in advance though in case you ever need to go the legal route in any future split.

That will be worth nothing should they split.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 24/10/2017 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ploppie4 · 24/10/2017 10:25

Op I’m not sure if you’re still reading. However you could say something to her like

‘I’m sure Social services won’t allow him to have any contact with any children anyway’

Whinesalot · 24/10/2017 10:52

Might be worth getting your dps agreement in writing in advance though in case you ever need to go the legal route in any future split.

That will be worth nothing should they split.

Not legally but it might help show intention and might help sway a judge.

JustDanceAddict · 24/10/2017 11:01

I feel bad for you as it looks like you’ll have to walk away from this relationship. What a shock for you, but better than you find out now than when you have kids.
My other thought were - is bf’s mum using this as an excuse to get away from paedo husband.
And does he have contact with other young family members - nieces, nephews etc.
I have no idea how she can even sleep with a paedo, but I would certainly have to do some very serious digging to find out what he did, whether you need to get out of the relationship or whether you stay and hope the mum leaves the revolting creature.

SomethingNewToday · 25/10/2017 11:49

’d need to know the full details - not saying it’s right but sex then with a 15 yr old is totally different to sex with a 3 yr old

It’s rape. And this has got to be a joke? There’s a sliding scale of child rape is there? Fucking moron

Er yes there's a massive sliding scale when it comes to a child's age. If you get down from your high horse I suspect you'd find most people would feel quite differently about an 18 year old having sex with his 15 year old girlfriend and an 18 year old having sex with a toddler.

If you see no difference then that's bloody scary tbh.

zoomer456 · 25/10/2017 12:05

100%

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 25/10/2017 12:16

SomethingNew I think if you open your mind a little you’ll see there is NO sliding scale of ‘this rape is worse than that rape’. I’m pretty sure a 15yo Rape victim isn’t thinking ‘but at least I’m not 3 years old’. And FWIW not all 15yo victims were ‘just having sex’ with their boyfriends. That kind of narrative just serves to make men not look as bad as they actually are.

My god this thread is depressing. So many people excusing the behaviour of rapists and paedophiles.

SomethingNewToday · 25/10/2017 12:22

if you open your mind a little you’ll see there is NO sliding scale of ‘this rape is worse than that rape'

I disagree. I'm pretty comfortable in my opinion that the rape of a three year old is worse than the rape of a thirty year old actually.

To try and argue both those crimes are 'the same' is...odd IMO.

CircleofWillis · 25/10/2017 12:46

@Cherry I'm with SomethingNewToday. I experienced a serious sexual assault in my 20s so am not minimising rape in any way. I believe that the damage resulting from a 15 year old feeling she is having consensual sex with her 16 year old boyfriend is different to a the damage from a 3 year being raped by a 16 year old man. However it is very unlikely that the crime being discussed in this case is of the former type.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/10/2017 13:00

I also agree with SomethingNewToday and I've reported your earlier post, Cherry. Who do you think you are exactly? You can disagree with resorting to pathetic name-calling but you're not the arbiter here.

flyingpigsinclover · 25/10/2017 13:08

not saying it’s right but sex then with a 15 yr old is totally different to sex with a 3 yr old.

Rape is rape regardless of the age.

Bekabeech · 25/10/2017 13:49

They didn't tell you this for four years! That is very important. That is four years for you to be groomed to see this person as someone who is: kind and helpful. To build up positive memories of him. To accept him having no idea of what he had done.
Then when you seem really enmeshed, you have moved in with the son. They drop the news on you. They already feel safe that you won't go out and broadcast this all over town.
They are all already committed to this secret and they have waited until you are as committed before telling you what you have let yourself in for.

If you have been with your partner for 4 years and he hasn't told you something this big - how do you know what other secrets could be hiding?

If necessary phone the Samaritans, contact a helpline, talk to professionals. But this is really as bad as you fear.

Ellendegeneres · 03/11/2017 14:37

Op any update?

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