Disappointed in gifts, is it just me?

[Herewegoagain2]

I’ve just reacted openly about a gift that I didn’t like from MIL for our new baby (3rd due in 6weeks). Feeing dreadful for hurting her feelings but I’m just fed up of getting gifts I don’t actually like. Does anyone else feel disappointed when recieving a gift they really don’t like or need? I know I sound really ungrateful and I feel bad about that too, but I feel like it’s such a waste of money and always think about what I would have preferred or liked instead.
As a child I had these feelings too, to the point I would actually rather nothing than an unwanted gift. Sorry that sounds terrible but just how I feel and wondering if I’m the only one?

Every year, birthdays and Christmas’s I try and think what a person has been doing, hobbies or interests, I find out their shoe size or likes / dislikes about food. Take note of comments they make about other gifts and really try and get something I think would suit them.

I think what you're missing is that others may be putting this effort into you, just getting it wrong. These gifts for others you buy may not be as perfect for them as you think they are. You may be putting all this effort in whilst the recipient is saying "thank you so much, it's lovely" and thinking "shit, do I really have to wear/use this?". It's a hard thing to get perfect.

Your answer is to declutter. I did have many of the same sinking feelings as you when the DCs were young as grandparents seemed to love to buy the biggest, most impractical for our small house plastic tat they could find. But I think it's because I felt guilty getting rid of it. Get over that and problem solved.

OP I really have some sympathy for you. It can be really overwhelming to be given large items that you don’t want or need that take up large amounts of space, I know you can recycle and take stuff to the charity shop but it’s just another job to add to all the other jobs you have to do as mother to a small children. Also you have to hang onto it just to be polite. I’m sure people wouldn’t be delighted if someone gave them a naff dining room table or sofa from a charity shop when they already have one that they really like. Why should children’s presents be any different. If she’d given you a hideous babygro or hat, I’m sure it would have been easy to be grateful but something that actively causes you stress is different. And tell your husband to stop hoarding!

I’d say, “Thank you so much, that’s really kind, but we already have one.” No need to be rude about a gift!

My df got me a kindle for Christmas one year, I tried to hide my tears (massive book lover-as in paper books) he returned it, I felt awful. I know he meant well. It was just the opposite of what I loved if that makes sense

My mum constantly buys DS massive plastic toys, he has about 6 tractors about 50cm big each. I feel so ungrateful as I know she’s trying to be nice but I really wish she’d stop!

I have started saying sometimes, ooh lovely we could keep that at Grandma’s house, maybe that could be an option?

OP, it isn't wasteful if your MIL perhaps keeps it at her house so that it is used when you are there with the baby rather than transporting your own every time.

You could suggest this, though the problem could be that you have unfortunately already dissed the gift and hurt her feelings. That won't be easy to overcome, as people tend to remember that sort of reaction. I know I would.

You could try sending her flowers, chocolates, wine etc. (whatever she usually likes) by way of an apology though, and plead for no hard feelings.

Of course it can be disappointing receiving a gift you don’t like, the polite thing to do is to hide the disappointment and say thank you anyway. Most people learn this as a small child.

I am like that op, I hate people spending money on stuff I hate. I don't mind if it's a small gift, but I hate waste so if it's something expensive it actually upsets me, i can't help it. A few years ago on my birthday my dh bought me not one but two necklaces. He has just lost his job and they cost over 300 euro. First of all we couldn't afford them, he bought them on his credit card, second of all I hated them they were sort of black pearls, and thirdly he bought them in a boutique style shop so no chance of a refund, only credit. I was so upset, and he was really hurt about it. Everyone thought I was a right bitch. I brought then back and got a necklace I liked as well as a couple of presents for other people who's birthdays were coming up. I still get a bit stressed before every birthday and Xmas, I would honestly prefer to get nothing than expensive stuff I don't like.

I understand your frustration - my Mil loves to buy clothes for my kids. Last time they came they brought bagfuls of summer clothes but it was the already end of the summer, so none of it has been worn and it won't fit next year. She cuts all the tags off before bringing so no chance of returning either. And this was after DH issued strict instructions not to bring any clothes for kids as they are had plenty.
I appreciate the thought but I feel so guilty at the thought of all these unworn clothes.

Would it help to view gift giving as more of a ritual, rather than focusing on the gift itself? I.e. the fact that someone decided they wanted to give you a gift, picked it out and wrapped it and handed it to you, generally resulting in smiles and a hug - it is part of building a relationship and that is what is important, not the actual material gift itself.

I read the Marie Kondo ‘Art of tidying Up’ book which has this philosophy and makes it much easier to get rid of unwanted gifts. Even a gift that is not perfect for you has fulfilled its purpose because of the moments you spent with the gift giver.

Thank you @fishfingersandwich3 this is just what I need to do. I will order the book from the library today and a good way to end this thread for me.
Thank you all very much for your words and time it has all been taken on board, I completely accept every comment x x x

Fishfinger, I had that explained to me once , but not so eloquently , by a boyfriend who kept buying me things. For him it was an expression of love , and a ritual, and he used to say if it even gave me one second of joy or made me smile it was worth whatever it cost in £. Even if I didn’t want it and gave it away.

Problem is I don’t think like that and I don’t think OP does either.
Ex bf wanted to buy me one of those massive size of an adult teddy bears and I told him I’d leave him if he did.

It’s just a different approach to gifts. I think useless/ unwanted gifts are a terrible waste for all involved but I do get your point that there’s something in these transactions for the giver .

I'd also rather receive nothing than have people waste their money on stuff I don't like. I respect money too much to waste it. So I don't try to hide it with family, but then we are very close and we can all take it.
I do hide it from some friends if I am not sure how they will react but I do privately resent the waste.

She got it second hand, it had a keyboard and it doesn't fold up?! Chuck it with a clear conscience!!!

All these people saying send her flowers etc 🤔

Yes your reaction was a bit rude but a totally thoughtless present that creates a burden rather than giving pleasure is pretty rude too.

Don't feel so bad OP

No increasingly it was easy for dh to eat them. It was upsetting on a different level.
It was the 1St of a number of situations which shown I was nothing but the bearer of her grand child. Things like not appearing in a single photo that she took on dds christening day or any of the family photos on dsil wedding day and at one time bring called a hanger on.

I obviously need to change the way I view gifts. Maybe, but just developing a few manners would suffice. How spectacularly rude to "react openly" as you put it. Did it not even occur to you that it was likely to cause upset?

People give gifts for many reasons; because they like how it makes them feel ; because they want to give you something ; because they feel it is expected. Most people give something they think you will want but sometimes this is not the case and they give you something they themselves were given and do not want. Whatever the circumstances, it is the responsibility of the recipient to be grateful. It is difficult when the giver is a close relative such as your MIL. Maybe you could drop some hints about the kinds of gifts you would like in the future but being rude and hurtful is not an option in my opinion.

Definitely a spoilt and selfish attitude. We have all received gifts not to our liking but the the fact that someone taken the trouble to go out and choose something for you and spend money they may not easily afford
is a kind gesture that deserves thanks. I have a friend who has opened gifts from me (that I felt she would appreciate ) but she just looks at the brand and if it is not "designer " she simply puts it on one side. She only appreciates money or tokens !
I am sure you have given gifts that have not been liked, but no one has been rude enough to let you know.

It does sound ungrateful to many but you really do have a point. Sometimes I would rather nothing. It feels like a waste. A waste of money and the fact it could go to better use elsewhere. A lot of the time it’s from people who know you and you realise they don’t know you at all.

Obviously the Op's reaction was poor, but she obviously gets that now. We've all probably been given some hideous baby tat too, and it can be really hard to get rid of. The cross stitch picture of a dead-looking baby being held by disembodied hands that my SIL made has been creeping me out from a corner of my living room for far too long, but I did smile and say something about how long it must have taken her. She also gave us a thingy for the cot that was supposed to make soothing sea-sounds (dunno why, we live 20 metres from the sea!), but what it actually sounded like was an old man's death rattle. More smiles and thanks were given and I made sure she wasn't around when I binned it.

I would be greatful for the play mat ffs!!

My MIL steals toiletries from hotels and wraps them up as Xmas presents for me. She even gave me a sick bag she'd kept from a flight last year.

From the other side, I spent a long time knitting baby clothes for my nephew's first child. I used lovely yarn (cashmere mix, but washable) and I knit well (as part of my work, so I know this to be true). I handed over the clothes and the girlfriend looked at them said "Ugh, cardigans!" and threw them on the floor.
She got fuck all for the next kid. I wasn't expecting fawning gratitude, but a word of thanks wouldn't have killed her and my feelings were hurt.

'My mum constantly buys DS massive plastic toys'.

Ms Juniper, my mum as all about size too. Not necessarily plastic but a good present needs to be BIG. She once travelled all the way down the Northern Line, then 4 stops on Southeastern trains to deliver a life size gorilla to my middle boy. Luckily his reaction was massive too.

I always thanked my MIL for the free toiletries and the sick bag.

If someone had said they didn't like a gift I'd got them I would take it back!

Another lighthearted one. My DD was born in October. A friend bought a Santa babygro for her with "Baby's first Christmas" on it. Age 6-9 months. I said thank you, but she would still be too small by then. He replied, that's ok, she can wear it next year!

I passed it on to another friend.