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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Disappointed in gifts, is it just me?

299 replies

Herewegoagain2 · 20/10/2017 22:53

I’ve just reacted openly about a gift that I didn’t like from MIL for our new baby (3rd due in 6weeks). Feeing dreadful for hurting her feelings but I’m just fed up of getting gifts I don’t actually like. Does anyone else feel disappointed when recieving a gift they really don’t like or need? I know I sound really ungrateful and I feel bad about that too, but I feel like it’s such a waste of money and always think about what I would have preferred or liked instead.
As a child I had these feelings too, to the point I would actually rather nothing than an unwanted gift. Sorry that sounds terrible but just how I feel and wondering if I’m the only one?

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 21/10/2017 09:28

I wouldn't be getting any more gifts for you or your family. That 'oh god' reaction is unspeakably rude. I'd expect more from a 6 year old.

There are ways of gently breaking it to people that their gifts aren't appropriate, but you didn't do that - you deliberately hurt her feelings.

Are you always this rude to people or was this a once off?

yelpforhelp · 21/10/2017 09:29

You don't need to change how you feel about gifts just how you act. Your feelings are completely valid. Your actions were rude.
Can't you get your husband to tell MIL you really don't want gifts. Though not sure how that works for the older kids, my parents love giving toys (and often large ones) I'll sometimes suggest they leave it at theirs for the kids to play with?!

NameChangedAndForgotOldName · 21/10/2017 09:30

My in laws all buy me alcohol, despite the fact I haven't drank alcohol in the 10years I've known them 😒

64BooLane · 21/10/2017 09:40

OP, you already know your reaction wasn't ideal, and you already feel dreadful; I don't think you need to hear people telling you off about it. Obviously it caught you at a low point and an honest reaction spilled out. These things happen.

Anyway, I sympathise, and you're not alone in having struggled with this! I also had a mil who brought lots of unwanted inappropriate stuff to our small flat "for the kids." and it was honestly overwhelming. She knew we didn't want it, but she didn't really give weight to that in the excitement of shopping, and she just had no insight into the mechanics of life in a home with no spare room or attic or garage or storage etc.

Serialweightwatcher · 21/10/2017 09:43

I think if someone gives a gift which is all they can afford and they just want to try to please you, then just be polite because it's not an insult it's circumstances - however, where this is someone close like MIL and it's a big item which will take up too much room etc, I would have probably asked if she could swap it for something else and would be miffed that she hadn't thought to ask if it was needed/wanted. I don't think you're a terrible person as you wouldn't be feeling guilty and asking on here if that was the case and you wouldn't have cried when you upset MIL ... don't beat yourself up - it's not so terrible and MIL may think before doing next time. Good luck with your new baby Flowers

52FestiveRoad · 21/10/2017 09:48

I'm sorry OP,
You're not ungrateful at all!
as someone who puts so much effort into buying beautiful and sometimes expensive gifts it's really shit when you get really crap unthoughtful pressies😕

I always think Hmm when people go on about how they are experts at buying beautiful and expensive gifts, because how do they know that the receiver thinks so highly of their gift choosing skills? It could be that what they see as beautiful and thoughtful is also seen as useless tat by the receiver, but they are just not rude enough to show it.

I think your MIL would have got the message now, OP. There will probably not be any more presents, for you or the DC.

pictish · 21/10/2017 09:50

I understand that some gifts are an inconvenience rather than an enhancement but your reaction was so rude! You made your mil feel stupid, an irritation and like her feelings are of no matter to you. Very unpleasant and arrogant behaviour on your part I'm afraid...all you had to do was smile and say thank you. You can either shove the mat in the attic for later use or donate it to somewhere where it will be appreciated.
We all receive unwanted gifts...but we also know it's not about the gift itself but the intention with which it was given. You rubbished your mil's kind regards as being worthless and that's why she cried.
All is not lost however, I hope you can apologise and learn from this.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 21/10/2017 09:51

I actually laughed at the 'oh god' reaction, sorry I know that's not helpful.
As an adult you should find it easy to pretend to like a gift, surely with 2 kids already you've had practice at this when presented with items they've made? Please tell me you have & you don't tell them their creations are shit... Grin

Original poster
Herewegoagain2 · 21/10/2017 09:52

Thank you for the feedback. I have never ever done this before and have always shown pleasure and greatful ness in every gift given to me. I explained to my husband and children how rude I had been in my reaction and how terrible it made MIL feel and how ashamed I feel by my initial reaction. I
Have apologised twice now and explained that I was just overwhelmed with the amount of ‘things’ we have. The baby will enjoy it and that I can see now that it’s a very thoughtful gift. My husband loves to keep everything, and finds it hard to part with broken tv’s excessive amounts of egg cups and clothes so I guess it’s stemming from lots of anxiety about many things.
I hate wasteage, the playmat/gym - it a pretty big with swinging things as well as a keyboard and won’t fold flat. She did buy it second hand for £20, I love the playgym we had for pvs kids and was looking forward to our 3rd playing under it too, but yes we can get rid of that one.
Every year, birthdays and Christmas’s I try and think what a person has been doing, hobbies or interests, I find out their shoe size or likes / dislikes about food. Take note of comments they make about other gifts and really try and get something I think would suit them. I feel each year it’s just not reciprocated. Slippers in a size 8, soap I’m allergic too, jewellery that’s plastic tat. White jeans from a shop I’ve never heard of. If I’m stumped with a gift for someone il buy something from M&S so at least they can swap it. So this is what I was referring to when I feel disappointed, this is what I need to work on and yes it’s probably best for me not to be given anything - although my charity shop does very well so that’s a bonus.

OP posts:
pictish · 21/10/2017 09:59

Well there you go...you know it was out of order and you have apologised...you can't do much more than that. It'll blow over.

Not everyone is brilliant at choosing gifts...my mil has a weird penchant for plain, ugly clothes that she keeps buying in charity shops for my kids. She'll doesn't know that I hand them in to the office at the ASN school I work in, to be distributed among the spare clothes stash where needed. They are super appreciated there.

SockEatingMonster · 21/10/2017 10:00

Surely the correct response is "Oh that's lovely Mil how very thoughtful but we do have 2 of these do you think we could exchange it for X?"

I came on too suggest something like this, but can see Izzabella has already said it better than I could have!

The rudeness is not in not wanting or even refusing the gift, it's in how you did it.

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 10:01

Op buy the Marie Kondo decluttering book. Read it then get rid of all your crap while on maternity leave. It will make you feel great! A bag a day.

Ploppie4 · 21/10/2017 10:04

Op buy the Marie Kondo decluttering book. Read it then get rid of all your crap while on maternity leave. It will make you feel great! A bag a day.

Neverender · 21/10/2017 10:06

MIL bought one of those massive jumperoo things which takes over our tiny cottage. I just said thank you and can’t wait until we can gift it to someone else when DD gets bored of it. I genuinely don’t understand people who react like this.

TidyDancer · 21/10/2017 10:11

Gosh your reaction was terrible! Poor MIL. Unless someone is deliberately being an arsehole in giving you a present (ie being passive aggressive in their choice etc) then the only appropriate reaction is to show how grateful you are for the gesture and to say some kind words in thanks. And if you can’t even fake that then you’re being a tit.

Regift afterwards if necessary or donate to charity but there is absolutely no need to be awful to someone because you don’t like their present and pregnancy and hormones are not an excuse for this.

WomblingThree · 21/10/2017 10:15

OP, your problem is your husband’s hoarding and ridiculous sentimental attachment to “stuff”. I imagine that’s the reason you can’t cope with any more crap!

GreenTulips · 21/10/2017 10:17

MIL bought one of those massive jumperoo things which takes over our tiny cottage. I just said thank you and can’t wait until we can gift it to someone else when DD gets bored of it. I genuinely don’t understand people who react like this.

What if someone brought you another one? What would you say then?

troodiedoo · 21/10/2017 10:19

Think you're getting a harsh deal here. With two kids already, you're need for plastic crap is minimal. Bung it on marketplace.

Yeah yeah it's the thought that counts. But there hasn't been any thought, that's the cause of the strong reaction.

BakedBeans47 · 21/10/2017 10:19

I think you’ve been given a bit of a hard time
OP. I hate getting shit presents. As an adult I get bought gifts so rarely that when something is crap I find it quite deflating. I do manage the grateful reaction though at least and then charity shop the items/hand them in at the school fayre

Aderyn17 · 21/10/2017 10:21

Whilst I think the OP was very rude, I do have a degree of sympathy for people having to feign joy over yet another oversized toy that someone has bought, without considering where the recipient will store it.
Over the years I have been given sofa sized presents for my dc, to squash into my small house. It's hard to look enthisiastic. I must admit I have struggled and had a few 'wtf were you thinking' moments.

The thing is, family believe the kids will love it and that is as far their thinking goes. They haven't done it to piss anybody off, their motivations are good.

You have to be polite and kind because social niceties help maintain good relationships. It is a shame though,that so many people are throwing away their money on unwanted presents, which are just ending up in landfill or the charity shop. It's impossible to avoid without hurting feelings though.

Candlelight234 · 21/10/2017 10:21

Hmmm I think it's probably better if you & MIL agree not to bother exchanging gifts any more, as you do appear tremendously ungrateful.

pantrylightout · 21/10/2017 10:24

Someone bought me a tongue scraper once.

dublinia · 21/10/2017 10:26

Happy acceptance face and pass it on or charity shop it.
Tbf you are probably worn out and exhausted and hopefully your mil will see that and forgive and forget.

I have a very close friend for many years and her presents are sht. It's as if she really doesn't know me at all.
The dc and I always have a joke about what I got for my birthday/ Christmas.

Perhaps she thinks my gifts to her are* awful too Smile

rogueantimatter · 21/10/2017 10:32

Are you sure you're nt me?! I put a lot of thought into gift giving too. My DH is like yours too. Not only does he never get rid of stuff but he leaves everything lying around . Or house is very cluttered. It's absolutely maddening.

I have a very good friend who is the nicest person ever. I'd trust her with anything, she's very thoughtful, supportive, fun, generous; you couldn't hope for a better friend. But, she's quite bad at choosing gifts. I think she's a very positive person who is busy and tends not to think about presents but spots something, thinks that's nice and gets it without a further thought.

I know what you mean about getting disappointing gifts. I get food from people that I can't eat so often. Also booze, even though I haven't touched alcohol for three years. I think people just get things they like.

Try not to dwell on this incident or the thoughtless gifts you sometimes get. You seem like a nice person. Maybe invest less of your own precious time in thinking about what you give for,presents too. It's really hard to give perfect gifts unless you have an enormous budget.

Crunchymum · 21/10/2017 10:33

It was a snap reaction and hopefully no harm done.

I've done it a few times over the years (exchanged something or even sold it on eBay and used the cash for something we actually needed) but I've always made sure I say thank you and been discrete etc.

It's not that they have been unwanted gifts per se but maybe not to my taste or we've had similar things already (the eBay stuff was designer and I bought 5 times the amount of things we did need with the proceeds)