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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards university?

243 replies

Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 15:54

Just had a very odd conversation with my mum who thinks I'm being very unreasonable to not pay towards my children's university?
Happy to be told either way so I'd love to hear anyone's take and whether you went or not yourself.

I have 3DDs, none of whom are near that age yet anyway. However I have said we will be prepared to match their savings when it comes to wedding/deposit (their choice) but for university I would expect them to cover any shortfall with work so they have the responsibility.

For background, I went to university and worked also in this way.
Mum has said that because I chose to work (I wasn't aware there was ever any alternative and I didn't want to starve!) then I essentially missed out on the university 'experience'. I don't really see uni as a necessary unless of course your chosen profession dictates it, all of my family have been to uni and not one of us has used the degree we went for.

OP posts:
LightastheBreeze · 20/10/2017 21:34

They are probably about 5 Grin

GnomeDePlume · 20/10/2017 21:38

this is why you research instead of mindlessly going to university for that course.

No, no, no

This is why they research. As your DCs are still at primary school you havent reached the stage where you recognise that they will know more than you. All three of my DCs know more about their fields than I do. I would be a fool to offer anything more than general advice.

thecatfromjapan · 20/10/2017 21:38

Between 5 and 8 for the oldest.

Utterly self-indulgent, hypothetical thread which is basically tourism of what is a real - and difficult - issue for other people.

splendidisolation · 20/10/2017 21:43

@MrsTerryPratchett what do you mean re devaluation of engineers? Disclaimer: i dont know a single engineer just curious as it is a bit of a golden buzzword these days ("oooh, an engiNEER!")

schoolgaterebel · 20/10/2017 21:52

OP, come back here and start a thread in 10 years time when you are the proud owner of an ambitious and hardworking teenager facing more challenges than you did in life. I guarantee you will not withhold financial help (if you are in a position to offer it) then.

You are delusional, starting a goady thread about what is s real issue for lots of people. But you really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Aridane · 20/10/2017 21:53

Fucking hell, OP has a downer on education

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 21:55

I appreciate this is now quite a long thread but earlier I have said this IS a hypothetical question about a discussion between me and my mother.

The reason I have asked is because it is a real situation for some on MN.

SplendidIsolation- I believe this is because an Electrical Engineer can be an Electrician or a mechanical engineer can be a Mechanic.

My husband is an engineer but I don't know what his full title is or what exactly he does so I won't attempt to guess as I'll get shot down! It's something to do with schematic drawings and mechanics on wind farms.

OP posts:
Ta1kinPeece · 20/10/2017 22:00

{a} Its not hypothetical because your attitudes need to move 180 degrees now

(b) your hubby being a maintenance engineer (indeed not a graduate job) will earn squat in ten years time

get real
look after the future

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 22:04

It is hypothetical as I am not in the position now. I would however have the same view if I were in my parents shoes (as I have now, not their views.)
It is hypothetical as just like anyone else I cannot possibly predict what it'll be like in ten years time. My judgement is made on now.

Not entirely sure what a maintenance engineer is but my husband earns over 70k, I personally wouldn't call that squat although I'm sure if you're on 170k you would.

OP posts:
LeannePerrins · 20/10/2017 22:13

splendid I'll jump in if I may - MrsTP was quoting me.

In many countries, 'engineer' is a protected title which you can only use after a particular course of study. Usually four years at university level on a very demanding course with significant elements of mathematics and physics, but there are employment-based courses of a similar standard too.

In the UK, anyone can call themselves an 'engineer', and you therefore have a situation where the people who connect your Sky box or fix your boiler are referred to as 'engineers' in their job titles. Highly skilled and qualified though they may be, they are not qualified to masters level like chartered engineers.

An electrician is not the same as an electrical engineer. A mechanic is not the same as a mechanical engineer.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/10/2017 22:19

Your husband earns over £70k and you would begrudge giving financial support to your children should they want to go to university?

You’re tight, OP.

thecatfromjapan · 20/10/2017 22:24

Depends on where she lives. In the SE, with a mortgage (she's young, so presumably bought with high cost/high mortgage), reality is that child will get minimum loan and they won't have the spare cash to support in anything nut the most minimal fashion. So she's dressing up what will be a forced decision (child will have to work) as a 'choice'.

Cocoafortea · 20/10/2017 22:25

I have had to sit and listen to students telling me why they have not been attending classes ..mainly money issues as their parents don't believe in topping up maintenance loan etc. Heart breaking in some cases it is very real and lasting damage to their prospects. You only have to look at accommodation costs in London the maintenance loan doesn't even touch it.

thecatfromjapan · 20/10/2017 22:29

And utter LOLZ that mother of 8 year old can predict with certainty a. how child will progress through education and b. that she will be making decisions about where child goes to university and what child does.

Your child is 8.

You might have the brightest, most biddable child in the world - and they can have an accident and your world changes.

You might have the brightest, most biddable child in the world - and they turn into a hormonal teen, who decides to drop out.

Your absolutely nuts to be telling us - with certainty - how you would be doing stuff that some of us are living now.

Don't know why I'm even responding. What a load of nonsense.

thecatfromjapan · 20/10/2017 22:30

Cocoa That's genuinely awful. It's a scandal. I don't know why people aren't more angry. (I guess idiotic threads like this help cloud the reality of the situation.)

Veggiehappy · 20/10/2017 22:32

It's up to you but I would absolutely contribute to any future child's uni costs. My parents did it for me. I always worked in the holidays, but I'd have struggled to balance working with studying and socialising during term time!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/10/2017 22:34

Ok so hypothetically, if I had been saving for my dcs future and had say, £20k each (so an amount helpful for a house deposit/enough to pay for a wedding), then I would give them the money at uni age to help with costs, rather than have them struggle through uni because some misguided idea that its character building, only to give them a huge sum towards something less important later on.

yolofish · 20/10/2017 22:35

I think it is a case of people (politicians, even some parents) pulling up the drawbridge after themselves.

*I got an Oxbridge first, with full student loan and no fees. I am a genius and entitled to be Prime Minister.

*You got a good degree, paid £9k in total so you can have a good job too.

*They got fucked over with £27k tuition fees (and rising) plus having to borrow not enough to live on and their parents need to top them up/they can wash dishes or lick peoples' shoes. They can fuck off.

happypoobum · 20/10/2017 22:40

OP you sound as though you don't have a clue.

If you and DH both earn well, your DC probably won't get a penny in maintenance loans.

My DD studied in London and her halls were £235 a week, uncatered. On top of that she had to pay for food, travel, and other living expenses. She worked 20 hours a week (which is more than you said you worked) and this just about covered her travel, food and other expenses. So yes, I had to cover her rent.

She is now in Y2 and has moved into a shared flat so her rent is now only £180 a week.

Are you really saying you would refuse to assist your DC through uni if they got no money whatsoever aside from the tuition fee loan? They won't be able to go then will they?

At least they can have a wedding though Confused

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 22:50

What I have said is I do not intend to financially support them

What Shames me as a fellow woman is you would treat your own daughters like this, even my Italian grandmother with no education to speak of, thirty years ago stepped in to ensure I was funded for mine. Your own mother is appalled,

Shame? That doesn’t even come close. I supported my daughter all the way through, I will always support her,because her education is what gives her options, I don’t care what she ends up doing, from stay at home mum to solicitor, but I will, as her mother, give her all the options and let her make the choice,

You had three daughters and you won’t do the same, shame on you.

Cocoafortea · 20/10/2017 22:51

The elephant in the room ...where are the jobs for all the school leavers?

So notwithstanding the increased fees lets just literally force lots of kids into uni and then sneer at those who are not in Russell Group education.

Anyhow ...you don't have to save with express purpose of giving them the money for Uni. I'm saving for Dd but if she decides not to go she can have it for something else ..internship, rental deposit on flat , travelling etc.

The important thing is she has the choice and is not hampered to going toUni by lack of money

CoyoteCafe · 20/10/2017 23:00

@bluntness100

Awesome post.

LondonGirl83 · 20/10/2017 23:03

I worked during uni as well-- babysat, bartended and also worked in the research department. It didn't impact my grades but it was very stressful. It built character but my mom helped me as well financially as much as she could. I'd make sure your kids work in the summer to make a meaningful contribution to their living expenses. I'd definitely pay the calculated parental contribution though.

Smellylittleorange · 20/10/2017 23:12

It is good to work during Uni I don't dispute that. Some are working a whole lot more than they need to as someone mentioned previously..there are many parents who dont think they should pay the expected contribution ..at all

GnomeDePlume · 20/10/2017 23:13

OP you are at the stage when you still know more than your DDs. Enjoy this stage, it doesnt last long. This is the stage when you are convinced that your DCs will be paragons of virtue, will always do their homework on time and follow in your footsteps.

I am now at the stage where I recognise that my DDs are more intelligent and knowledgeable in their own fields than me. This does not diminish me.