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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards university?

243 replies

Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 15:54

Just had a very odd conversation with my mum who thinks I'm being very unreasonable to not pay towards my children's university?
Happy to be told either way so I'd love to hear anyone's take and whether you went or not yourself.

I have 3DDs, none of whom are near that age yet anyway. However I have said we will be prepared to match their savings when it comes to wedding/deposit (their choice) but for university I would expect them to cover any shortfall with work so they have the responsibility.

For background, I went to university and worked also in this way.
Mum has said that because I chose to work (I wasn't aware there was ever any alternative and I didn't want to starve!) then I essentially missed out on the university 'experience'. I don't really see uni as a necessary unless of course your chosen profession dictates it, all of my family have been to uni and not one of us has used the degree we went for.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 20/10/2017 16:20

I'm the same as you op. Parents earnt too much for me to get more than the minimum but didn't give me anything so I got a job.
I probably would have had a better experience and got better results if I hadn't been working 30+ hours a week but I found working was great for the social life and work experience.
Based on my own experience I would subsidise maybe £200 a month but expect them to get a part time job to cover the rest depending on their course.

whiskyowl · 20/10/2017 16:21

University is way, way more important than a wedding. I'd reverse it - help with university costs and let them fund their own marriages.

honeyroar · 20/10/2017 16:21

I don't understand why you'd let them struggle through university but save for a wedding for them. I know which I'd consider more important!

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 16:22

How much student debt did you end up with, OP

Honestly not a clue the bill comes and a set amount goes out each month but it's not affected anything within my life it's just there.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/10/2017 16:22

Surely weddings are less important than education or a house deposit? A wedding is one day .

I think your priorities are weird.

BubblesBuddy · 20/10/2017 16:22

If your DDs get the minimum loan for maintenance, which has to cover rent, food, sport, clothes, phone, entertainment, fares etc, then there will be a fairly big shortfall which you are expecting them to find. For my younger DD this was £3500 pa just for rent! Unless they get the full maintenance loan of around £8000 (which means you earn very little) you are expected to contribute. Why would you not want to?

In fact, years ago parents with a reasonable income contributed as well. I don't see why you think you shouldn't!

Some degrees are full on and student jobs are not so easy to get and they are minimum wage. They also can stop relevant experience being achieved in the work the student actually does want to do. I would suggest a summer job rather than a term time one. You sound confused and a bit mean though. You don't seem to value higher education.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/10/2017 16:24

Ok if you don't know how much, what were the tuition fees when you went to uni?

GherkinSnatch · 20/10/2017 16:26

  1. None of you have genuinely used your degrees? And not just in the sense of "Well I got a BA in History and I don't work in a museum" way? None of you picked up any skills in time management, research, analysis, writing, presentation etc while you were there which you've gone on to use in your chosen careers?

  2. There many, many careers now that expect applicants to be degree educated these days, just as a basic requirement. Even entry level admin jobs often require a HNC in a relevant field before they'll consider you.

  3. Student funding for under-25s is based on parental income. Your DC will be at a HUGE disadvantage if they are given a loan based on your earnings and you contributing (x) amount, and you then don't pony up. Why would you choose to make the university experience more difficult for them than it has to be. I had parents who didn't contribute financially, even though my loan was determined based on their income. I had to work 30 hours a week along side a full time degree. I missed out on so many opportunities because my paid employment was just as big a commitment - and I can tell you who it is who went into the high powered graduate schemes and who didn't. (Clue: the ones who were able to go to networking events at the weekend and do unpaid internships, and not have to cram their studies into the time they weren't trying to get people to take an instant replacement scheme on a toaster to keep theirself fed)

  4. My wedding cost under £1000, including a meal for 20.

BubblesBuddy · 20/10/2017 16:26

It is interesting that we still have people who prioritise a wedding over qualifications. Is this why we have overwhelmingly middle class children at Oxbridge?

BewareOfDragons · 20/10/2017 16:26

Wait ... you think it's more important for your DDs to get married and have a nice wedding then get a higher education that will help them have a better life and allow them to support themselves so they don't have to rely on anyone else?

Really? That's the message you want to send! Wow.

I'm with your mum. If you can help support their education, you should. Wedding aren't a necessity; education is.

BewareOfDragons · 20/10/2017 16:29

Oh, and for argument's sake, let's say they don't go to University... and you have money saved up for weddings.

What if they don't want to get married? Do only your DDs that have a 'proper' wedding get a financial gift from you? Wouldn't a house deposit be a more sensible contribution for your DDs longterm?

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 16:30

How can you not know what your student debt is? And to wish to save for your daughters weddings but not wish to pay for their education.

It’s like the friggen 1950s but worse, because now we all know women can be financially astute and well educated.

Honestly dismaying.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 16:31

Really? That's the message you want to send! Wow

Totally agree I’m sitting here looking like this Shock

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 16:31

I think even mentioning wedding was probably a mistake as it's got fixed! This is an example of something we have had to save for, not everyone gets married, they may not want to use it for that, it was just an example.
The match funding idea came about as most of friends were gifted these things and although we have struggled to get them it has given us time to appreciate saving. It's basically just a stepping stone.

And yes I'm totally hypothesising as my children are primary aged, everything will have changed by then I just wanted to hear others views.

Excuse me being naive but what had student grants being introduced in 1998 got to do with anything? (I was in primary school then!)

OP posts:
allmycats · 20/10/2017 16:32

Weddings before education !!! - You have a very skewed level of priorities.

If you are able to help AT THE TIME I cannot see why you would not want to.Just because you worked as well you think your children should do the same ?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/10/2017 16:34

If your DCs dont get a full loan because you earn too much, then either you should pay the difference.

I never understand the "I suffered so even though I could afford to stop my DCs suffering, I'll make them go through the same shit."

There was a few students I was at uni with who worked almost full time hours (ie over 30 hours a week) on top of study. The only ones who got above a 3rd were only doing their degrees part time rather than trying to study full time in 3 years.

HaHaHmm · 20/10/2017 16:36

YABU and I agree with your mum. You have your priorities way off.

There are some courses where it is just not possible to work during term time, and it is expressly forbidden at Oxbridge as the workload is so intense. Your DDs would have to rely on vacation work, which can be harder to secure.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2017 16:36

You'd pay for a wedding. But not an education? That's bass-ackwards to me. I'd much rather contribute to something that will make my child self-supporting and (hopefully) financially independent than pay for a few hours worth of 'frou frou' in which they tie themselves legally to someone who may, or more likely, may not be 'the one'.

Education is forever. Marriage, statistically, is not. I know which one would be the better return on investment to me.

Almostfifty · 20/10/2017 16:37

We've been saving for years for our DC's education. We pay their accommodation, their student loan covers their bills and food. If they need any more, they can get a job. They're all grateful for our help.

I want them to start their lives as debt free as possible. Luckily we live in Scotland so there's no fees.

splendidisolation · 20/10/2017 16:37

I got a first in a hard (as opposed to "soft") topic a little over 10 years ago, working part time and with no financial support from parents.
And yup, you betcha, I'm chippy about it.

Tbh between the loans (which aren't "real loans") and part time work, it's not too hard to live a humble student lifestyle, and if you're genuinely bright or talented enough to be studying in your field, 25 hours a week stacking shelves won't be robbing you of a first.

titchy · 20/10/2017 16:38

Is your household income high enough (over £40k) to affect the amount of loan they can get? If so then you are being incredibly mean, stupid, ignorant and a whole load of other things that make me mad! You will basically stop them going to university. How sad.

If you're a low income household - do what you want, but I'd suggest saving for a deposit not a wedding. Houses are forever, spouses aren't.

lalalalyra · 20/10/2017 16:38

I don't understand why anyone would prefer to pay toward a wedding than a university education.

The one thing my kids know we won't be putting anything more than a token amount toward is a one day celebration.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/10/2017 16:40

Houses are forever, spouses aren't.

*Spouses might not be.

I fully intend for my spouse to be forever. We will probably move from the house we have just moved in to when we grow out of it.

cdtaylornats · 20/10/2017 16:42

If you pay for university then they might well get a better grade, a better job and they can pay for their own wedding.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/10/2017 16:42

But OP - waiting to give them funding after university for things they can't afford like a big wedding or a house deposit, is not when they would need the money. They need your help to get to a stage where they don't need your help.

If you help them get into high paying careers, via a good degree from a good uni (not a lower class one from a middling uni), then they wouldn't need hand outs to pay for weddings or house deposits. they could afford it from their own wages.

If you are prepared to save for your DCs and are prepared to give them financial assitance, it seems odd to wait until after they have finished full time education and are at a stage when they no longer should expect parental help before you'll give them any money.

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