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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards university?

243 replies

Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 15:54

Just had a very odd conversation with my mum who thinks I'm being very unreasonable to not pay towards my children's university?
Happy to be told either way so I'd love to hear anyone's take and whether you went or not yourself.

I have 3DDs, none of whom are near that age yet anyway. However I have said we will be prepared to match their savings when it comes to wedding/deposit (their choice) but for university I would expect them to cover any shortfall with work so they have the responsibility.

For background, I went to university and worked also in this way.
Mum has said that because I chose to work (I wasn't aware there was ever any alternative and I didn't want to starve!) then I essentially missed out on the university 'experience'. I don't really see uni as a necessary unless of course your chosen profession dictates it, all of my family have been to uni and not one of us has used the degree we went for.

OP posts:
MrsPworkingmummy · 20/10/2017 19:21

It is certainly possible to work and study OP. I left home at 18 and got a mortgage whilst still in college. Me and my then boyfriend were on £16,000 combined (we got a 100% mortgage in 2004). Our mortgage was about £500 a month. My BF worked in a low paid Royal Mail job earning about £10,000 a year and I worked part time on an evening in a call centre.

I started uni that year doing an English Secondary Teaching degree which lasted 3 years. The course was full on as it included the PGCE too. I was generally in uni or on a placement 9-5 (although also had late night lectures twice a week) and then worked in the call centre mon, tue, wed 6-11 or 5-10 and sat 9-5.
My fees at the time were about £3400 a year and I got full loan entitlement. My mam and step-dad refused to contribute despite having a good income. My doctor had to write a letter to say we were estranged so only my own income was taken into account. I also got a bursary in years 2 and 3. I worked throughout - even during my final placement and actually ended up progressing through promotion at the call centre. I'm 31 now and have only a few months left of my student loan. It was hard work at the time, but doable, although I don't feel I had the student experience as I had a mortgage to pay and had to go to uni in my home city. I did however still meet up with friends and have nights out - the hours were similar to what I'm doing as Head Of English at about 60-70 a week.
I've always been ambitious and driven and I was absolutely fine without parental help/support. I will certainly be expecting my own DD to get a part time job whilst at uni. It taught me a fantastic work ethic.

Ta1kinPeece · 20/10/2017 19:25

mrsP
It is certainly possible to work and study OP.
I believe the word you are looking for is
WAS
£16,000 a year would not even get you a rental flat in much of the South now, let alone a mortgage
and 100% mortgages are dust

2004 as a million years ago in Student finance terms

schoolgaterebel · 20/10/2017 19:31

@MrsPworkingmummy with all due respect things are quite different for kids today, university fees, living expenses, maintenance loans, mortgage criteria etc.

practicallyperfectinmyway · 20/10/2017 19:32

My parents supported me & I had a part time job which gave me money for my travel expenses to uni (I lived at home).

Worked in the summer hols which gave me extra cash for a holiday before beg of term & cash in first term through to Christmas.

I also spent alot of time in my first year training for a sport which gave me some sports grants (represented GB). My dad paid for my expenses. He was v generous & I was so grateful. He knew I was studying, working and training hard. Miss those days!

I wouldn't have been able to get by with his help.

Bubblebubblepop · 20/10/2017 19:34

MrsP people will criticise your post but I just wanted to say huge respect. You must be very driven and dedicated.

schoolgaterebel · 20/10/2017 19:36

@Gaggleofgirls how old are your DC now? (apologies if you have already said, I can’t find a post giving their ages)

MrsPworkingmummy · 20/10/2017 19:47

@schoolgaterebel @Ta1kinpeece I absolutely fully appreciate that things have changed, but felt it best to give the context as I know my experience would not be the norm now, and I also know a lot of students would not be prepared to not have the university experience I did Smile

I also think another major change is that teenagers are a lot lazier and more entitled today; there's been a really noticeable change in the teens I've taught over the last 7 years or so . My situation certainly wasn't unique at the time - most of my friends worked too, but I do feel today's older teenagers have a reluctance to do a hard day's work and are not equipped to deal with life as an adult by the age of 18.

Thanks @Bubblebubblepop

MinervaSaidThar · 20/10/2017 19:49

So she was happy for you to work your way through uni and didn't offer money but wants you to offer your DC money so they don't have to work? Hmm

She sounds a bit of twat. If she wants them to not work then she can support them.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/10/2017 19:50

Slightly confused as to why your stuck on 'graduate' profession

I was going to reply to this but others have beaten me to it. I agree with them that you don't seem to understand that a "graduate" is someone with a degree.

Sunnyx · 20/10/2017 19:51

It really depends on your wage and the amount of student loan and grant they would get. If you’re on a high wage, their student loan is reduced assuming parents help out financially.

I lived off the full amount with a little bit of part time work but on reduced loans, I would worry my DCs would have to work a lot more which would affect their studies possibly in which case I would help out.

SuburbanRhonda · 20/10/2017 19:52

I also think another major change is that teenagers are a lot lazier and more entitled today

Slight generalisation there, MrsP. And a load of bollocks as well.

Mrskeats · 20/10/2017 19:56

Teenagers are a lot lazier
What a load of rubbish. My daughter got great grades at A level whilst juggling other commitments. Lazing stereotyping in action.

llangennith · 20/10/2017 20:21

OP you clearly have a very limited circle of friends and acquaintances
The highest salaries are in London based jobs. City bankers, stock traders, lawyers etc. Every single one of them wouldn't get a toe in the door without a degree.
(Yes, a graduate is one who has graduated with a degree. No, I don't live or work in London.)

thecatfromjapan · 20/10/2017 20:52

What a load of goady crap.

You're not even in the situation yet.

How completely fucking insulting to play goady bingo with a situation that isn't a choice for most people.

Who gives a fuck what you might choose to do when the reality is that many parents, who desperately want their children to have chances they didn't have cannot choose? And that, despite what a few outliers on this thread love bragging about ("I worked FT and ended up with a first!!!!"), the reality is that working does impact on the final grade, and does impact on the quality of the experience - and it is the less well-off that this falls on.

It's a question of inequality.

To dress this serious issue up - and present it as Friday night entertainment to get your jollies, in a hypothetical situation - is actually immoral in my book.

It's just pissing all over the realities of inequality.

What do people like you do in RL for kicks? Stand outside food banks with your kids, and wave handfuls of fivers at the people going in and out?

GnomeDePlume · 20/10/2017 20:52

Gaggleofgirls in previous posts you have written that you would support degrees/institutions you approve of.

Do you know about recruitment in all career areas? That would be a very bold or arrogant claim. Both my DDs have turned out to be scientists - a field I know nothing about. In no way would I be in a position to decide which course/institution was best in their chosen fields.

You have said you would support your DDs to go to university just not financially. What exactly do you think this non-financial support would be? Cheering from the sidelines? Giving improving lectures on how making them work their way through university is good for them?

Once your DCs are at university your enthusiastic but non-financial support will be irrelevant when they realise you could have given that financial support just chose not to.

thecatfromjapan · 20/10/2017 20:54

We have a good income. It's a struggle for us to support university for our child. It's really brought home to me the fact that it must be impossible for a lot of people.

That's not fair.

Ttbb · 20/10/2017 20:58

Well it depends-are you raising children who are dumb twats and will use the extra time to study or will the be doing magic circle vac schemes, running the mooting society, taking lessons in three different languages and single handedly running a worldwide non for profit organisation aiming to eradicate povert all while studying for firsts on everything?

Ttbb · 20/10/2017 20:58

*db twats who will use the extra time to party

Ta1kinPeece · 20/10/2017 21:03

MrsP
I also think another major change is that teenagers are a lot lazier and more entitled today;
AS the parent of two teens, I find that comment utterly surreal

GnomeDePlume · 20/10/2017 21:08

I think that the OP is at that stage in parenting which can be categorised as delusional.

thecatfromjapan · 20/10/2017 21:09

Agree with Gnome .

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/10/2017 21:17

My dad and brother are both chartered engineers and one of their greatest bugbears is the devaluation of 'engineer' as a title. DH (engineer) agrees.

I also think another major change is that teenagers are a lot lazier and more entitled today

I could not disagree more. I love the teenagers I work with. They're awesome.

LightastheBreeze · 20/10/2017 21:21

How old are these daughters, it may have all changed by then if they are young

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 21:27

MrsP I agree with all you've said.

Not only am I looking at my own experiences through which I don't doubt will be outdated even now. My siblings are at uni NOW, I have filled out the forms with one, including budgeting how they will afford rent/bills/food etc.

I don't doubt I don't know each and every occupation and how is best to train/where....this is why you research instead of mindlessly going to university for that course.
My parents also didn't believe you could get into occupations without going to university, or that there could possibly be better routes/schemes with more employability in the end.

OP posts:
schoolgaterebel · 20/10/2017 21:30

@Gaggleofgirls how old are your DC now?

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