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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay towards university?

243 replies

Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 15:54

Just had a very odd conversation with my mum who thinks I'm being very unreasonable to not pay towards my children's university?
Happy to be told either way so I'd love to hear anyone's take and whether you went or not yourself.

I have 3DDs, none of whom are near that age yet anyway. However I have said we will be prepared to match their savings when it comes to wedding/deposit (their choice) but for university I would expect them to cover any shortfall with work so they have the responsibility.

For background, I went to university and worked also in this way.
Mum has said that because I chose to work (I wasn't aware there was ever any alternative and I didn't want to starve!) then I essentially missed out on the university 'experience'. I don't really see uni as a necessary unless of course your chosen profession dictates it, all of my family have been to uni and not one of us has used the degree we went for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 16:45

I got about 1.5k per term so about 4.5k a year? Obviously whatever it says on the bill is that plus gazillions of interest. How is that relevant?

And no none of us have used it and according to an earlier thread we are higher than average earners. Only 2:2 received by a funded sibling.

OP posts:
Wiggler1 · 20/10/2017 16:45

I had to move in with my grandparents whilst I was at university, as my dad earned too much money for me to qualify for a grant and he wouldn't give me a penny, bought a conservatory instead. I worked all through uni to pay the rest of my fees (still didn't get a full grant). It definitely affected my uni experience, and my relationship with my dad.

orangetree99 · 20/10/2017 16:45

DS student loan just covered his accommodation. If he had to work to cover food, expenses, clothes and any sort of social life it would have been detrimental to his degree. We paid for all his essentials at Uni (including some basic clothing), his phone and gave him £50 a week to live on which I thought was what he would cost us if living at home. However, we said he had to earn enough to pay for his social life any extra clothes which he did so the same as when he was at college. Also, it's not easy being away from home for the first time and I don't being stressed about money is a good thing for their health. If you can't afford to help your kids at Uni then that's different and I know lots can't but if you can help make their life a bit easier the I think you should.

Parker231 · 20/10/2017 16:46

We are currently paying for all DT’s Uni costs. We don’t want them to leave with huge debts and both are doing courses which don’t easily fit around a part time job. You can’t put a value on a good education - it’s always been a big priority for us.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 16:47

I suspect op this will be a unanimous thread. I wonder what that tells you and will you change your views?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/10/2017 16:48

When you say you haven't "used" your degree, if you are in high paying jobs, could it be that you have only got them because you have a degree?

I have had a number of jobs that I didn't technically need my degree to do the job, but I wouldn't have been considered for interview without it. Even if they didn't make a degree a requirement on the advert, those without degrees didn't get to shortlist stage.

As a higher % of the workforce has degrees, it becomes increasingly hard to get above certain wage levels without a degree or degree level qualification, even if you don't "need it" to do the job.

Mrskeats · 20/10/2017 16:50

I think the op is one of those that thinks 'I had it hard so why shouldn't they?'
I always thought that the point of parenthood was to make your kids' lives better/more successful etc.

SPARKS17 · 20/10/2017 16:54

My parents supported me through university and it was the greatest gift they ever gave me. I was able to focus on my studies and ended up with a first. Because they were paid me monthly I treated it a bit like a job and worked hard for them, they were my motivation for getting a first.

I worked in the holidays. Didn't get married for 12 years post university. i would prioritise uni over a wedding any day.

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 16:55

Totally understand your point but no they really haven't been used even within any interview stage. I'm aware of the consensus that it's a generally needed thing to have in the same sense as GCSEs, alevels etc are, I suppose I just also have the examples around us that are entirely contradictory to that.
And of course my own experience that my loan didn't even cover halls, but I learnt to work, budget and graft. I got a degree and no debt.

OP posts:
titchy · 20/10/2017 16:58

Do you think perhaps the only reason you were invited to interview is because you're a graduate?

If your loan didn't cover even halls you must have had to work loads of hours each week just to survive. What class degree did you get?

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 16:59

Mrskeats, not at all. But I also believe they need to learn to be self motivated, budget, and appreciate what they've worked for.
Unfortunately those around me that have had everything paid for are also the ones that spend irresponsibly as they're not the ones who have grafted for it.

OP posts:
Papafran · 20/10/2017 16:59

Tbh between the loans (which aren't "real loans") and part time work, it's not too hard to live a humble student lifestyle, and if you're genuinely bright or talented enough to be studying in your field, 25 hours a week stacking shelves won't be robbing you of a first

That is crap. In my law degree, I was expected to spend around 40 hours a week on my studies. If i had been stacking shelves for a further 25, I would have been doing a 65 hour week. At Oxbridge, they tell students not to take term time part time jobs for example. It's also well known that students who are a sports Blue at those universities often drop a degree class because they have to spend so much time on their sport.

I work at a university now. I appreciate that students have to work but I would never advise anyone to work more than about 15 hours a week if they are doing a full time degree.

Maybe you're just a natural genius...

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 17:00

I think the op is one of those that thinks 'I had it hard so why shouldn't they

This, as proven by:

And of course my own experience that my loan didn't even cover halls, but I learnt to work, budget and graft

sonjadog · 20/10/2017 17:00

Wouldn´t you like your children to experience an easier university time than you did? So less hard graft and more time to spend on studying and all the social aspects of university? Great that you got your degree while combining work and study, but I don´t understand why you wouldn´t want more for your own children.

Original poster
Gaggleofgirls · 20/10/2017 17:02

I got a 2:1 and worked probably under16hrs (couple of hours in an evening and some weekend days), then worked full time in the holidays. I always got assignments done and had a social life too. I'm fairly average so a 2:1 was a good outcome for me, I worked hard for it.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/10/2017 17:05

I agree with your mum.

It's one thing if you can't afford to pay for anything.

It's another if you're prioritising paying for a wedding over a university education. Crazy.

Butterymuffin · 20/10/2017 17:06

So if one of your daughters took a gap year (or two) saved up and then said 'I'd like you to match my savings for university, not for a wedding or house deposit', would you refuse?

Papafran · 20/10/2017 17:06

OP, the pressures on students these days in the graduate job market are far greater than they were when you went to uni (and it was hard enough back then). Don't do them a disservice and hold them back. You and your family may have chosen not to use your degrees, but your DDs might do. Earning above average salary is nothing remarkable- the average salary in this country is not high. Getting a good degree from a good university is invaluable in terms of setting yourself up for a successful future doing something that you enjoy. You should encourage it.

thegreylady · 20/10/2017 17:06

I agree with your mum too. A university education, if that is what they want, is likely to enable them to achieve the earning power to save for other things. A wedding is a day. Education is for life. As for a house deposit that is 'if you can'.

Crumbs1 · 20/10/2017 17:10

WE support/ed ours. Their course work commitments meant they were unable to work part-time without it impacting on their wellbeing. Vocational degrees are tough enough without having financial worries too. If you can support you should.
University course may be a better investment. They can get a decent job and save towards their weddings.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/10/2017 17:10

Education is far more important than paying for a wedding. The majority of a wedding day is unnecessary and given how many get divorced most are a sheer waste of money.

I'd help with study costs or a house deposit but wouldn't ever be financing a wedding.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 20/10/2017 17:11

OP - did you ask your Mum in this conversation why she didn't support you at uni? Your parents clearly earned enough and should have been expected to support you because you didn't get the full loan - have you ever asked why not?

Does your Mum regret her choice?

It must be hard to think that actually, your parents decided to make life harder for you than they needed to.

dont do the same for your DDs

MongerTruffle · 20/10/2017 17:11

The amount of their maintenance loan is decided on the assumption that parents will contribute (although obviously this is not always the case).

TheFairyCaravan · 20/10/2017 17:15

You might not have a choice tbh.

We're a one income family, I'm disabled and can't work, and our DS2 is a third year student nurse. His bursary doesn't cover his rent. We pay all his food, his travel costs, his books and equipment and he works in a pub so he can pay his rent and socialise.

When he's on placement he does 37 hours on a ward, his uni work and his bar work. He's still on course to qualify with a first.

Mrskeats · 20/10/2017 17:19

Yep blunt
I'm never sure why people post if they have made their minds up anyway.
Some unis actively discourage students from working in term time so that they can focus (it's actually banned at Oxbridge).