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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is stealing?

468 replies

Dontgiveaflyingfuck · 20/10/2017 09:42

Dd1 (9) had two siblings for a play date yesterday (9 and 10). My only rule is that my bedroom is out of bounds. I asked dd1 to fetch me my sewing kit from my room - what i later found out is one or both of the siblings followed her in and ate some of my sweets. Dd1 is autistic so cannot easily lie and rarely breaks rules so i believe her when she said she didn't touch anything.

I spoke to the other mum this morning and said i wasn't sure which of her kids had stolen but i thought she'd want to know. She laughed and said its not stealing just sweets. Surely going somewhere you are not allowed and removing something is stealing? Or AIBU? I'd be furious if it was mine! Fair enough a 2 year old but surely by 9 and 10 you should know what not to touch.

OP posts:
lurkingnotlurking · 20/10/2017 10:24

Good question bimbobaggins

specialsubject · 20/10/2017 10:24

Yes, it is theft. Dont have these two round again as mummy is teaching them to do just as they please.

Katedotness1963 · 20/10/2017 10:24

Bowl of sweeties or box of chocolates? A bowl seems like a sharing thing...

lurkingnotlurking · 20/10/2017 10:26

My 6yo helped himself to a choc off the kitchen surface recently. I should note he's clearly jail-bait...

Iwantamarshmallow · 20/10/2017 10:26

She laughed and said its not stealing just sweets
Also .... I would ask her if she would still feel the same if her dc's had taken sweets from a shop .

KH369 · 20/10/2017 10:29

It's wrong yes, but the word 'stealing' is a bit far. Yes they are old enough and should know better but I am yet to meet a 9 year old who would just walk away from sweets when they saw them! It is just sweets at the end of the day, if it were something more valuable - your jewelry for example then yes that's definitely stealing and needs to be dealt with.

upperlimit · 20/10/2017 10:29

Can I be the first to say...

1)The offending kid is probably a psychopath
2)The offending kid is on a one way street to prison
3) This is a perfectly reasonable and proportional reaction by the op

Grin

Always wanted to do that.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 20/10/2017 10:31

I am not comparing the two! One is abhorrent and one is minor! But I apologise if it came across as this. I really didn’t mean to offend.

I was commenting on the other poster claiming it was the OP’s fault that she had had her sweets taken.

CountDuckulaTheSqueaky · 20/10/2017 10:33

Yes it is stealing.

PollyPerky · 20/10/2017 10:35

In theory it's stealing. I'm a bit shocked at posters who think you are overreacting. I'd be livid if any of my kids' friends a) went into my bedroom and b) touched things and ate stuff that wasn't theirs.

I think the real issue is that these kids don't know the difference between right and wrong. No boundaries being taught.

And neither does their mum. And neither do a lot of posters here.

They took something that wasn't theirs, without the owner's permission. That is stealing.
Doesn't matter if it as a sweet or your diamond necklace. principle is the same.

Their mum needs to instil some manners into them and a moral code.

RoganJosh · 20/10/2017 10:35

Actual sweets, like haribo or dolly mixtures? They probably thought they were your children's. It's not ideal to take those either, but just a bit cheeky I'd say.

HappyLollipop · 20/10/2017 10:36

Talk about an over reaction comparing taking a couple of sweets to rape. I've been raped and feel as if that comment was almost trivialising my experience, they are at completely different ends of the criminal spectrum. Angry

SemiNormal · 20/10/2017 10:36

Yes it's stealing but I do think you're over reacting slightly but maybe that's due to the absence of any detail.

Were they in a bowl? Opened packet? How did you know they were missing - did they take they lot? Were they on a bedside table or in a drawer??

PollyPerky · 20/10/2017 10:37

Don't have them round again. tell your DD why. If the mum asks tell her the same- her kids are being brought up with no manners and even though you might excuse THEM for being on the receiving end of bad parenting, you can't excuse her as an adult for condoning it.

I'd have apologised profusely had any DC of mine done that. I might even have come round with a box of Milk Tray as a peace offering.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 10:38

Doesn't matter if it as a sweet or your diamond necklace. principle is the same

It really does matter. Obviously.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 10:38

I am not comparing the two! One is abhorrent and one is minor! But I apologise if it came across as this. I really didn’t mean to offend

Of course you were. You linked them together and implied it was the same thing. It was truly offensive, please don't do it again.

PollyPerky · 20/10/2017 10:39

God almighty! It doesn't matter what kind of sweets they were or how they were displayed.

Taking something that is not yours is not right.

I'm speechless sometimes as the lack of boundaries shown by some parents.

lurkingnotlurking · 20/10/2017 10:40

I am not comparing the two! One is abhorrent and one is minor! But I apologise if it came across as this. I really didn’t mean to offend

Not offended here. I assumed you were a troll.

PollyPerky · 20/10/2017 10:40

No Andrew the principle is the same.
Why should taking sweets be less of a moral issue than a diamond necklace? Purely on the value of each? What about the intention behind it? And the lack of awareness over what is right and what is wrong?

KarateKitten · 20/10/2017 10:42

I don't think taking food in a house you are an invited guest in is stealing, it's just very bad manners.

If she took your crystal ornament and removed it from your house in her pocket, that is stealing.

But eating sweets falls under bad manners and very much an area where it is fine in some houses and not in others so to call the kids thiefs is very unfair.

Original poster
Dontgiveaflyingfuck · 20/10/2017 10:42

Ok so i'm overreacting - i'll take the concensus and let it go. To me its basic manners to ask first and to respect boundaries.

Just to clarify tho i sent dd1 for the kit to fix her dress that she had ripped as i was cooking with the 2 year old and thought it would be easier than lugging the tot upstairs. Or leaving said two year old with knives and a hot oven. I assumed dd1 would nip in and out. Sweets were in a sealed container on the shelf above my bed - you would have had to be on the bed to spot them. So not really in temptations way. We have a family treat tub and then i keep my treats in my room as its the only space in the whole house that the dds aren't allowed in unsupervised. Said 2 year old is a cling on tantruming monster and as sad as it is a few sweeties in front of the tv when she finally goes to sleep is pretty much keeping me sane right now.

But i will let it go and won't send dd1 in my room while her friends are here.

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 20/10/2017 10:45

'Stealing' and 'Victim blaming'!! This thread is like Mumsnet on acid. Hmm
Yabu. So what if they would have had to be on the bed to spot them, they weren't exactly co-ordinating a drug cartel in South America, they took a couple of sweets.

KarateKitten · 20/10/2017 10:45

OP, it was definitely rude and overstepping of them. I'm sure at their age they had some sense that was the case.

But you might have had more success with the mum if you said 'your kids rummaged in my room and removed sweets from an out of the way location, I think they need to learn it's not acceptable to do this in other people's houses', than 'your kids were stealing'.

BlueSapp · 20/10/2017 10:45

But hold on yes the kids should've asked for the sweets and you should've spoken to them yourself and told them that it was rude to take something without permission.

You opened the floodgates by asking for the room to be entered, you were giving out mixed messages, just get stuff yourself! You surely didn't expect the other two kids to not follow your daughter?

Stealing is not an approriate discription for this incident as it implays some criminal resposabliity form the children which they don't have, what they did was more taking without permission, assuming they were just lying around and not hidden away whic is different.

Did you ask your daughter if the other kids asked her for a sweet? you really should keep your sweets in a high cupboard in the kitchen not your bedroom if you don't want kids to see them.

ParanoidBeryl · 20/10/2017 10:46

I wouldn't be happy either with my DC doing this in someone else's house, or visiting DC doing it in my house.

But I think to label it as 'stealing' and to confront the mother about it is a bit OTT.

I would have put it down to bad manners and made a mental note to be more hawkish in my supervision and laying down of boundaries in future playdates.

I somehow don't think it is likely that this parent will be accepting any more invitations to play at your house in the future, even if invitations were forthcoming.

I'm also Confused about why you have sweets in your bedroom. What type were they, were they in a bowl or in a drawer, how many were eaten, how did you know some had been eaten?