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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is stealing?

468 replies

Dontgiveaflyingfuck · 20/10/2017 09:42

Dd1 (9) had two siblings for a play date yesterday (9 and 10). My only rule is that my bedroom is out of bounds. I asked dd1 to fetch me my sewing kit from my room - what i later found out is one or both of the siblings followed her in and ate some of my sweets. Dd1 is autistic so cannot easily lie and rarely breaks rules so i believe her when she said she didn't touch anything.

I spoke to the other mum this morning and said i wasn't sure which of her kids had stolen but i thought she'd want to know. She laughed and said its not stealing just sweets. Surely going somewhere you are not allowed and removing something is stealing? Or AIBU? I'd be furious if it was mine! Fair enough a 2 year old but surely by 9 and 10 you should know what not to touch.

OP posts:
HateSummer · 20/10/2017 11:13

They’re just sweets. Bloody hell. You’re acting like they stole the Crown Jewels. What a stupid overreaction and how embarrassing you told the mother. Kids (even 9 and 10 year olds) will give in to the temptation of picking up sweets and eating them.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 11:13

taking something which doesn't belong to you = stealing, however you dress it up

Oh please. Such black and white thinking! I ate DH's chocolate bar the other day, was that stealing? No, of course it was not.

CecilyP · 20/10/2017 11:15

I think you should call 101...

No, that would be pointless as it may not even be a crime as OP doesn't know if the 9 or 10 year old was the culprit!

TheNoodlesIncident · 20/10/2017 11:19

But it is stealing. It's taking something without the intention to give it back. That is stealing. It's not the kids' house. They may be allowed to take sweets if they find them at home - fine. What isn't fine is not teaching them that they shouldn't do that outside their home.

I wouldn't make a fuss over it, but I definitely wouldn't say "Oh THAT'S not stealing". Because it is, regardless of the value of the item taken. And they're not really little kids either, are they.

OP should be able to send her dd to fetch something without having stray children pawing through her stuff. And I would definitely want to know if my ds had done something like that.

(Incidentally, on her visits my grandma used to bring my mum a bag of pick & mix from Woolies, and a roll of sweets each for us children. We preferred the pick & mix over the Chewits and used to take one of mum's. She was aware of this and didn't say Don't. But then Grandma found out and called us a "pack of thieves" in really angry tones. Was not nice.)

gillybeanz · 20/10/2017 11:19

Andrew

No wonder there are kids growing up stealing from others if we conveniently dress it up like that.
I know how I preferred to bring my kids up and bingo they don't steal as grown ups.
You stole the chocolate, just as the kids stole the sweets.
It belonged to somebody else, maybe they didn't do anything about it or weren't bothered, but you stole.
I hope your dc know not to take things that don't belong to them, it can land you in prison.

TheNoodlesIncident · 20/10/2017 11:24

Oh please. Such black and white thinking!

Yes, this is what makes autism such an awkward thing to have. We have to live with this kind of thing all day every day. It actually helps when people are understanding of the fact that you can't just change your thinking on account of how your BRAIN IS WIRED THAT WAY. Hmm

GherkinSnatch · 20/10/2017 11:27

If we can't call it stealing, can we put it under the TWOCing umbrella?

I'm going to have to rethink my kitchen set up if I should seriously be totally cool with the DC and their friends just raiding the cupboards. We don't have an unlimited budget and I'd be quite stressed and upset at the thought of going to make packed lunches and finding that I had to go out and buy more of whatever we're short on.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 20/10/2017 11:29

Stealing is a strong word but not inaccurate.

If I'd found out that my children had gone into a room that was out of bounds and taken something that did not belong to them, even if it is only sweets which are low value and easily replaced, I'd be deeply unimpressed, with my children.

British law states that 10 is old enough to face criminal responsibility, so for most children they should know at 9-10, they do not take what is not theirs. I'm not saying that these children are on a slippery slope to a life of crime, it's highly unlikely, but if they took sweets from a shop, it would be classed as shoplifting.

lurkingnotlurking · 20/10/2017 11:30

gherkin I'd hope setting some house rules would be enough? I also wouldn't be comfortable in kids (including my own, although admittedly mine are still young) raiding the cupboards. But what we did have as children ourselves was our own little cupboards of snacks that we could help ourselves to but only from there

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 20/10/2017 11:31

I think you need to make your boundaries clearer for a start OP. If your bedroom is out of bounds for both DDs then do not go sending one of them in to fetch something. The sewing cannot have been that incredibly urgent. Either it's off limits or it isn't.

The taking sweets issue, for me, would be slightly annoying but not significant enough to confront anyone. After all, it is just sweets and it is 9 & 10 year old children. I'd save confrontation for bigger issues.

Original poster
Dontgiveaflyingfuck · 20/10/2017 11:32

Im leaving this thread now as it has gone off in a direction i wasn't expecting. I was genuinely asking if I was BU as being autistic I often am over literal. I have agreed that i was and will keep my mouth shut in future!
I only mentioned it to the mum as i discovered the missing sweets last night after they had left and saw mum on the school run. I wouldn't have rang her especially - i am not that unhinged.
I'm fairy sure the other mum probably thought i was joking judging by this thread so hopefully will allow future play dates. I'd be really upset if that was the outcome as dd1 struggles socially.
As i said before this is not a crime and nor am i a victim.

OP posts:
charmedrose · 20/10/2017 11:33

I think you went wrong asking your dd to get something from your room whilst she had two friends with her. Of course they're going to follow her into your room That's what kids do. They had no right to touch your sweets though.

Johnbuoy · 20/10/2017 11:34

Why shouldn't the OP keep sweets in her bedroom? dirty girl

lottieandmia · 20/10/2017 11:35

I don’t think you are at all unreasonable to be annoyed with them and not ask them back op. They are not respectful of your bedroom and your belongings. If they were 2, ok but 9 and 10?

Findingdotty · 20/10/2017 11:41

I think it's naughty behaviour. But I wouldn't even have told the other mum if I were in your shoes. It's a bit of an OTT reactive.

Is it stealling by the definition of the word? - yes. I would describe it as rude and naughty rather then criminal theft.

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2017 11:46

I know how I preferred to bring my kids up and bingo they don't steal as grown ups

Well bingo mines not a thief either. But she is someone who happily shares and wouldn’t call a mate or a mates child a thief if they helped themselves to a sweetie. Because she understands reasonableness.

One of our friends popped round last week whilst out on his bike. I made him a cup of tea. He opened my pantry cupboard and said “ooh chocolate”and ate some. I didn’t shout thief, call the police, or order him out of my home. In fact the opposite, I was more than happy for him to help himself, laughed and offered him a sandwich.

I’m assuming you’d have told him he was a thief, or ended the friendship?

OohMavis · 20/10/2017 11:48

Anyone else reminded of that bit in Matilda when she steals the chocolates from Miss Trunchball's special forbidden chocolate box?

Garlicansapphire · 20/10/2017 11:49

I also used to find it annoying when kids came round and helped themselves to things without asking - say to a bowl of strawberries in the kitchen, or one of my DD's 'friends' helping herself to my laptop to use it without asking when I put it down!

But I'm afraid I'd call it bad manners or rude not stealing and I wouldn't be ringing up their parents or comparing it to rape.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 11:50

You stole the chocolate, just as the kids stole the sweets

Of course I fucking didn't.

OP has a reason for her rigid thinking, what about the rest of you?

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 11:51

Yes, this is what makes autism such an awkward thing to have. We have to live with this kind of thing all day every day. It actually helps when people are understanding of the fact that you can't just change your thinking on account of how your BRAIN IS WIRED THAT WAY. hmm

I'm talking to the OTHER people, so no need for your Hmm

brasty · 20/10/2017 11:53

Yes of course it is stealing.

brasty · 20/10/2017 11:54

I would not go into a friend's house and help myself to her food.

CoalTit · 20/10/2017 11:55

lurkingnotlurking, "jailbait" means an underage person sexually attractive enough to cause an adult man to commit statutory rape.

I know it's bad manners to be pedantic, but I can easily imagine some people reading your post, absorbing the idea that it's a witty description for a naughty child, then going on to describe their own kids (or worse, other people's) as "jailbait". I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to do that if they knew what it means.

Bettercallsaul1 · 20/10/2017 11:57

I wouldn't be happy with kids - mine or other people's - helping themselves to sweets that were in a sealed or closed container in a bedroom. (And which were not even in open sight). Of course it's not the crime of the century because it concerns something low-value and easily replaceable but it's not a good attitude for children -or adults - to have - that they can just help themselves automatically to something that belongs to someone else! If they wanted sweets, what was wrong with asking? It's the disrespect involved - that the owner of the item doesn't get a say in the matter and nothing is going to get in the way of their immediate desire.

OpenThePickles · 20/10/2017 11:58

Why did you need your sewing kit if you were in the middle of cooking with your toddler; surely you can't cook and sew at the same time?

Why are you nit-picking? Seriously, why do you need to know this?