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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with DD1

264 replies

SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 · 19/10/2017 20:33

I'm trying extra hard with dd1 as she has been the only child in the family for 6y I've got a dd2 now 5m! I've been really happy and chirpy with her and making loads of effort to keep her involved and make sure she feels like I'm giving her the same amount of attention as the baby. it's half term.. I said we are going somewhere nice tomorrow(the zoo).. we've just been doing her homework together, I said if she puts her home work away and gets into bed I'll tell her where we're going.. she picked up her bag, looked at me dead in the eyes and said "but I didn't get my homework out" with a smug as fuck look on her face thinking I should put it away for her as I got it out of the bag. I felt rage build up and said "are you being serious?" a panicked look came across her face and I said "don't you DARE be rude to me" and walked away she's put herself to bed. I haven't gone back into the room I'm so angry! should I go back in or just leave her to fester and think about her rudeness?

OP posts:
NoCryLilSoftSoft · 19/10/2017 23:49

TBH it sounds like OP just enjoys a good barney and having a go and her daughter was the target tonight.

isitme88 · 19/10/2017 23:50

Or maybe. The OP is knackered and frustrated and lost her shit and is refusing to accept she overreacted. Benefit of he doubt and all that....

free2017 · 20/10/2017 00:02

@SunshineLollipopsRainbows25 I think you handled it well and I am sure your daughter knows you love her. This is why we have disrespectful children nowadays who think they can talk to their parents/elders the way they please according to some perfect parents on here . Don’t lose sleep over this Smile

pigeondujour · 20/10/2017 00:23

except it's not and you're all just bigging yourselves up to strangers on an Internet forum

To be fair, there's only one person here that's bragged to internet strangers about winning a row with a six year old.

BakedBeans47 · 20/10/2017 00:43

Oh dear OP x I hope you are OK x

I know just what it’s like when they push your buttons and come out with a smart arse remark and it just sends you over the edge. We might be mums but we’re still only human. Give her a cuddle tomorrow, go to the zoo, and move on xxx

AnxiousAngela · 20/10/2017 01:14

I was actually going to write that the OP has been given a pretty hard time on here but now OP you're coming across as if you know it all therefore I'm not sure why you posted at all!
For the record, being " highly academic " is a very annoying phrase.
It has sod all to do with being a kind, nice natured child.
Maybe work on that and less on the fact that she's " got a good life " and is " highly academic " and ahe may not speak to you in the tone she used. I suspect she did as that's the tone she's usually spoken to - by yourself.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/10/2017 05:50

'Though 'but I didn't get it out' wasn't "just a phrase", was it? It was incredibly rude, apparently. That meant something. From a 6 yo.'

This is one of the most pertinent comments in the whole thread. What the child did is towering rudeness and needed to be stamped on or it would spell the end of Western civilisation, but what the mother did was nothing, she was tired and needs help and support.

Interesting how many mothers here are so inclined to, dare I say it, victim blame.

Collidascope · 20/10/2017 06:10

If your dad actually would have chased you and slapped you for saying something so minor, I feel sorry for you, OP.
I feel sorry for your daughter too. Your first post suggests you enjoyed the fact that you could scare her and were considering punishing her further for her 'crime' by leaving her to fester thinking about it. I think a lot of people get an unfairly hard time on aibu, but your op really isn't nice to read.

ohlittlepea · 20/10/2017 06:24

Hetero...victim blaming???? A mother a victim of a 6 year old??? Think of the balance of power in that relationship.

Sometimes I read stuff on here that explodes my brain.

OP the way you talk about your daughter is ugly. Six year olds are really young fragile little people. You can have strong boundaries and still give warmth. Everyone looses it sometimes, Id apologise. Scaring your child and leaving them to be sad and lonely at bedtime isnt good parenting.

barefoofdoctor · 20/10/2017 06:33

I remember being 5, on holiday and DM dropped a full box of eggs on the floor and me laughing, not at her, just because it was funny. I got a smack on the legs for this (anger issues much). I also remember calling DM an 'ass' must have been 7 ish and had no idea what this meant and got an absolute bollocking from DF. No explanation, just a telling off.

There are numerous incidents of this nature and I now have crippling anxiety, depression and social anxiety (all clinical, severe and diagnosed) and have done since being little.

If this is you making an effort with DD then god help the girl. Get help with your anger issues for the sake of all concerned.

SeaWitchly · 20/10/2017 06:33

“Smug as fuck”? What an unpleasant way to talk about your child. I am shocked

Me too Sad

Part of me actually thinks [hopes] this is a wind up... that OP 'could feel the rage building up' because her 6 year old daughter dared to say she didn't get the homework out of her bag.
Jesus OP, you were teasing her [telling her you wouldn't tell her what you were doing until she had done this and that] and she was teasing you back.

I also feel a bit sick at the thought of her 'panicked face' Sad]

OP, for both your sakes, please speak with someone about your feelings of rage. Do you have anyone adult to speak with, your GP perhaps or health visitor? I actually think you need some support yourself, please don't take your feelings out on a 6 year old child who has also had to deal with the arrival of a new baby in her home.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 20/10/2017 06:35

Ohlittlepea - No, you've misunderstood! I am saying exactly the opposite - that some people here are lining up to blame the daughter for the mother's entirely disproportionate and frankly concerning outburst.

Collidascope · 20/10/2017 06:35

ohlittlepea, I think that's the point hetero was making -that the kid didn't really do anything wrong. She was being sarcastic when she said the mother needs help and support but the kid's rudeness could lead to the collapse of the western civilization.

Allthelightsgoout · 20/10/2017 06:38

Not a fab parenting moment but love the typical overreaction from MNetters.

It's almost as bad as if she'd drawn a sun on her..

YeahButNo · 20/10/2017 06:49

I don't think 6 years old is too young for a dressing down if she was genuinely being rude (not saying OP's DD was or wasn't). What is the appropriate age to reprimand a child, if not 6? Well, I started far earlier.

sundayfeeling · 20/10/2017 06:55

Yes some comments are OTT but these things I have a problem with:

  • calling your child 'smug as fuck' What a horrible way to speak about her
  • what she did wasn't rude. Not in our house anyway. Perhaps cheeky. But no way would I shout at my DD for this (she's 6)
  • your DD taking herself to bed 🙁
SeaWitchly · 20/10/2017 06:56

Have just caught up with the rest of the thread and see that OP responds so most likely not a wond up...
But I still stand by everything I previously wrote.

I am also bemused as to why wrote your original post OP in AIBU?
Did you not understand how the format worked, that posters will tell you if they believe you are being unreasonable or not? Did you think you would get a unanimous YANBU?

I am not a perfect parent by any means and my 6 year DS winds me up massively at times. But I don''t think it is okay to think like you to do about control, disclipine and crushing your child's spirit over a very minor infraction or pushing of the boundaries. Or to feel such levels of rage and think it's okay that a small child had a panicked look in her eyes and took herself off to bed.

I am very surprised and a bit disgusted really that anyone would think this was okay and be attempting to minimise the sentiment of the OPs posts even if they might question the reality of what actually occurred.

WombOfOnesOwn · 20/10/2017 07:00

This gave me chills. I now know what it'd be like if my abusive mother had lived in the time of Mumsnet. This was about how it was right before it escalated into physical abuse. No, I'm not joking. No, I'm not being OTT. This is how all those parents who are narcissists that get discussed in MIL threads and Stately Homes act when their children are young.

georgeisadinosaur · 20/10/2017 07:05

Of course no parent is perfect and I'd expect 80/90% of the pp will have snapped at their DCs at some point.

I am a single parent, to a 6 yo and 1yo and frankly I'm exhausted and there has been times I have overreacted to a comment or remark 6 yo has made. I don't think that makes the OP a bad mother.. but the way she has come across since is what is worrying. Most mothers could see they overreacted and go apologise or atleast feel resentful.

The OP sounds a bit proud and wanting a pat on the back, the posts since still back that she thinks it was perfectly okay, and then rather than come back with saying they have a great relationship or how happy/content she says it is okay because she is "highly academic" like that matters Hmm

Basecamp21 · 20/10/2017 07:10

If at 6 this this is the first time she has been rude or cheeky I would be very worried. She sounds way too passive for her own good.

Chill out and encourage her to be feisty and sassy.....otherwise she will become a very passive adult and that is not good.

Glumglowworm · 20/10/2017 07:18

Fucking hell

She's 6! She was being a bit cheeky and thought she was being funny. You completely overreacted and scared her. And the way you talk about your child is really awful.

Poor little mite

georgeisadinosaur · 20/10/2017 07:32

Resentful?? You can tell I'm tired Hmm. Regret is what I meant!

Quartz2208 · 20/10/2017 07:41

It's the tone and response that makes it unsettling the how dare she look how much I'm doing for her, she was spoilt before, the pleasure in her panicked and the assertion of who was in charge.

All parents lose it (I did myself last night) but there are elements in the telling and language of the posts that make it different

GinIsIn · 20/10/2017 07:54

You don't have to be a perfect parent to think that describing your DD as "smug as fuck", saying that you "felt rage building up" at one small comment, and then gloating about her "panicked face" is not ok.

quercuscircus · 20/10/2017 08:46

I agree that the OP's language and OP is concerning. She talks in the language of an angry person. There is a difference between respect and fear.

The 'buidling up of rage' for a small bit if cheek, is a red flag for me, but then realising what your father/ parents were like OP, it sadly doesn't sound surprising that you are also a 'strict' angry parent with a disturbingly low tolerance for (one) minor misdeed that results in disproportionate anger.

Also, imagine if a father had written this and used the same language.

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