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Original poster

Dh stressing about having been told wrong gender

245 replies

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 07:26

More of a WWYD.
I had a private scan at 16w+5 and was told girl.
Since yesterday DH has been on Dr.google and saw how many cases there are of wrong genders being told before 20 weeks(even after the 20w scan in some cases!!).
I am very thankful for this baby and would be happy no matter whether its a boy or girl as long as its healthy but DH wants to pay for another scan now at 18w to reconfirm baby gender. It is annoying him so much that I feel like complying with him and going for the scan but its £59!!!
Is it worth it to go just for his peace of mind or wait 2 weeks until NHS scan?

OP posts:
strongasmeringue · 20/10/2017 19:02

OP, I'm so sorry you are having this unnecessary stress when you should be having as peaceful a time as you can. You are right to talk to your dh and make it clear you are making your own family now and your MIL is now extended family and he has to put you and your dc first.

My mother partly gave me away because I was the wrong sex Hmm.

Evelynismyspyname · 20/10/2017 19:12

NotAgainYoda if we named babies according to what they looked like when newborn they'd all be called ""Wrinkled" and "Red" and "Cross" and "Dopey" "Funny-shaped-head" and "Winston Churchill.

LadyGlitterSparkles · 20/10/2017 19:20

CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

Sorry for shouting but she will certainly want the baby if he/she is a girl. She will try her damdest to get the baby to to herself as much as possible. And your 'D'H will see no problem with it. I would pit money on her buying things like a cot, pram etc to keep at her own house.

And worse case, she will ruin your marriage and you'll end up losing your baby 50/50 to her anyway. With you out of the picture she will do whatever the fuck she wants.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 20/10/2017 19:25

I'm going to put my two pennorth in. Pg 17 weeks boy, pg 2 DS1 obvs boy, pg 3 12 wks, boy, pg 4 DS2 27 wks - he was too Ill to make it, pg5 I was so desperate to replace my boys. I did boys, just boys (well the ones that got to the 2nd trimester). I needed a boy, I was distraught and grieving. We never ever asked the sex. My third of that reached 3rd trimester was going to replace my boys which is what I did. We Didn't know. 51 weeks after ds2 dd was born. I wouldn't have coped with that outside the cathartic healthy baby moment. A perfect baby, pink and screaming. There's something about new life, newly met, instantly loved.

Sara107 · 20/10/2017 19:30

It depends on the position of the baby how sure they can be. If it has its legs crossed or its back turned, they can't tell! My dD was fully exposed to the camera, and the sonographer said there was absolutely no doubt that she was a girl - I think that was at the 12 week scan. S9 I think the cases where they get it wrong are probably the cases where the baby's position has made it hard to see. So it's worth thinking about what you were told at the private scan - was the baby full frontal, in which case it is unlikely to be wrong, or did the sonographer struggle to get a view? In which case they may have made a mistake.

noeffingidea · 20/10/2017 19:35

Favenumber2is he's allowed to have these feelings snd thoughts too. He can think and feel whatever he wants, it doesn't mean the OP is obligated to pander to them.

NotAgainYoda · 20/10/2017 19:38

Evelyn

Ha! True. DS1 would be Evander Holyfield. He looked like he'd gone 10 rounds in a boxing ring Grin

FaveNumberIs2 · 20/10/2017 19:51

@noeffingidea I never said pander to him. What the fuck is wrong with this forum, where every man/partner/husband/Male needs to be battered down, put in place, ignored and told what to do?

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2017 20:41

Why would someone need to know the sex of their baby to 'bond' with it? It's your baby! I'm sure some people have a bit of disappointment over 'wanting' one sex and getting the other, but in 99% of the cases that soon turns to "I can't imagine having anything else, he/she is just perfect!".

OP, if you tend to be the 'go along to get along' type, you're going to have to rethink that and start learning to be more assertive. Otherwise your MiL will run roughshod over you and your DH will abet her.

teacups83 · 20/10/2017 21:09

Who has time for this shit? Your baby is healthy and most likely a girl.... Yay...two weeks later you slip the NHS a fiver on the way out of the scan and they tell you what they THINK the sex is.. Most people go in there worrying about healthy organs.. your OH can worry about pleasing mummy all he likes but this won't make her love him. I would run a mile from these people tbh.

Insomnibrat · 20/10/2017 21:42

Have you told your DH you don't want to be having an interim private scan OP? What did he say?

houghtonk76 · 20/10/2017 21:50

Defo tell MIL to bog off!! And sometimes they're pretty certain. DS pretty proud to turn & show his "gender" to the camera at 20 weeks, IF you know what I mean! Still pretty proud of his tackle now & he's 2.5!!!

HeebieJeebies456 · 20/10/2017 22:05

You contradict yourself op - you say you're 'not bothered whether it's a girl or boy'....yet went out of your way to get a private scan done to determine the sex!
(You can't tell what gender your dc will be via a scan!)

I agree waiting two weeks is nothing........but even if mil was not an issue i highly doubt you would have another private scan done for your husband.
You scoff at his feelings/thoughts and undermine them just because you've already 'got' what you wanted Hmm

Carry on like this and mil will be the least of your problems!

BakedBeans47 · 20/10/2017 22:29

HeebieJeebies the OP already said the private scan was done at the behest of the MIL.

pontynan · 20/10/2017 22:32

This has made me realise the benefits of being old enough not to have been given the choice of knowing. misses the point
I had DS1, DS2, DD, DS3, DS4. Ultrasound technology not developed enough but on last one was advised to have amniocentesis because I was 'elderly multigravida'. Was asked if I wanted to know (I would have said no) but redundant question because I could see the male circle and arrow clearly drawn on top of my notes on the desk in front of doctor. Felt a bit cheated.

OP - I have contributed no useful opinion here but irrespective of who is right or wrong, I'm just sad that you are having extra pressure on you at a time when you need it least. I haven't had HG but know people who suffered badly and it does take the joy out of being pregnant. I hope you start feeling better and strong enough to deal with MIL, husband, scans, doctors and the rest of the world. Lots of people think they want 'a girl' or 'a boy' but you know already that you don't want 'a' anything - you want THAT baby, your baby, the one you are growing. Big hugs, enjoy your baby when s/he arrives. Flowers

Dobopdidoo1 · 21/10/2017 00:48

Yay...two weeks later you slip the NHS a fiver on the way out of the scan and they tell you what they THINK the sex is.

Blimey. Never thought that would work. Does it really?!

Italiangreyhound · 21/10/2017 01:11

Shehz you have made your chocie and that is great. For the record I would go for the second scan if there were no issues re baby's health with a second scan.

However there are potential issues and you should tell your dh.

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/warning-over-souvenir-baby-scans/

I would just do all you can to support your dh. I totally understand his concerns, and your concerns. I think he is getting a rather hard time here. Yes, you are carrying the baby, but it is his baby too and his worries re his awful over-bearing mother must be very difficult to cope with.

I would also strongly suggest you and your dh work out your strategy for coping with his mum regardless or whether baby is a boy or girl.

Re "Seems to mean the world to DH as he was going through a rough patch with work/parents and wants to bond properly with the baby and now it seems to annoy him that he can't be sure if its a he or she."

Encourage your dh to sort out this issue now. You are going to need him, and him fully aware and ready to be there for baby and you. Of course he is still a son, and still has a job etc but you and baby come first.

Congratulations Thanks boy or girl/girl or boy, this baby will rock your world! XX

sykadelic · 21/10/2017 03:12

I agree with the sentiment that this needs to be nipped in the bud now. Your DH cannot use your child to appease MIL. He needs to learn to stand up to her. 2 weeks is really not a big deal. Even if it WAS so that he can bond better with baby I cannot imagine that 2 weeks would really make that big of a difference to the bond.

Yes, I wanted to know the gender because that's how I felt I would bond. Yes I'm bloody impatient and couldn't wait for the 20 week scan and really really hoped baby played nice so I didn't have to wait longer (HE did). But 2 weeks? He'll drive himself batty either way because you can still get wrong results (or no results) from a 20 week ultrasound (if a girl it's harder to tell apparently), so why not just do a blood test for it?

Or, tell him you've decided you don't want to know and won't be finding out.

Original poster
Shehz21 · 21/10/2017 03:23

BakedBeans47 Thank you for correcting @HeebieJeebies.
You obviously didn't go through the whole thread HeebieJeebies....

Insomnibrat DH is now waiting anxiously for 20 week scan and has finally admitted the reason for all this fuss and anxiety is caused due to my MIL already buying lots and lots of pink stuff..
I knew the scan was a bad idea. My stupid attitude of going along everything is costing me this today.
If I had put my foot down then and did not go for the private scan , today my husband's head would probably not be in such a mess...
DH is still trying to gently convince me everyday but without the same pressure. I won't give in until the 20 week scan.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shehz21 · 21/10/2017 03:28

Thank you italiangreyhound and pontynan.
Your comments have really lifted my spirit for some reasonSmile
I do want to help my husband to get out of this anxiety issue but only if he accepts, firstly to himself, that MIL is the real problem here. And then we can take a step forward to have a word with her.

Re on the gender neutral name - really like the idea and Frankie should workGrin

OP posts:
JohPa · 21/10/2017 06:26

I will never understand this personally, a baby is a blessing regardless of gender. Let's not forget the purpose of the scans - at least those completed on the NHS - is to check the baby's health and growth. I would rather the sonographer was concentrating on this aspect of the scan rather than trying to establish the gender. In some NHS trusts they won't now reveal the gender for fear of it being used for gender selection. I don't mean to be unkind I just think that the bigger picture is what's most important here and unless there is a health aspect related to gender it's irrelevant.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, all the best.Flowers

Lethaldrizzle · 21/10/2017 07:49

He's stressed because his mum has bought loads of pink stuff? That's what's at the root of all this! Firstly who cares, baby can wear pink whatever gender- or alternatively - give it all away - and secondly why does he allow his mum to have such a big affect on him. He needs to cut the cord. Meddling mils are bad news

TittyGolightly · 21/10/2017 08:33

You aren't told the gender, you're told the sex. When you're told that the baby is biologically a girl or boy, and then go and buy pink/blue accordingly, that's you determining - at least in the early days - the gender (you're stereotyping what girls and boys should be like). We know that to be harmful to the future development and prospects of both.

So I'd be telling the mother in law to fuck off, personally.

NotAgainYoda · 21/10/2017 09:28

I would imagine MIL's ideas about gender will have an influence on a boy child too. Gender stereotypes affect boys too.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2017 09:30

Hear hear Titty. It is sex we are talking about here. Does the baby have a penis or a vagina/uterus/ovaries..

He has to cut the apron strings here, Shehz. Stick to your guns. I am glad you have realised that you give this woman in inch and she will take a mile. Sad of course that that is what you are dealing with.

But your H has to get himself sorted out before the baby arrives or you will have endless problems and they will be serious ones.