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Original poster

Dh stressing about having been told wrong gender

245 replies

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 07:26

More of a WWYD.
I had a private scan at 16w+5 and was told girl.
Since yesterday DH has been on Dr.google and saw how many cases there are of wrong genders being told before 20 weeks(even after the 20w scan in some cases!!).
I am very thankful for this baby and would be happy no matter whether its a boy or girl as long as its healthy but DH wants to pay for another scan now at 18w to reconfirm baby gender. It is annoying him so much that I feel like complying with him and going for the scan but its £59!!!
Is it worth it to go just for his peace of mind or wait 2 weeks until NHS scan?

OP posts:
ordinarymumnat · 19/10/2017 14:07

I have a DH who wanted to know the sex of the baby in advance. And we paid for private gender scans too. (In the event we ended up with weekly scans for other reasons). But some "friends" tried to convince me it was because he wanted a boy and he wants to know.

Luckily I talked to him, and his reasoning was really simple. By knowing in advance his view, we can buy stuff, think of names, and for him its simply a case of wanting to know in advance so he gets a picture in his head. He didn't want to wait for a surprise, he'd rather just know. I admit I don't quite get it (I mean the baby will be what the baby is), and I do get it (thinking planning etc).

If he wants it, why not just have it. Gender scans are not 100% reliable but hey what's the big deal if you get one.

noeffingidea · 19/10/2017 14:15

If he wants it, why not just have it why should she have a scan that she doesn't want or isn't medically indicated when she's already booked for one 2 weeks later?

Oliversmumsarmy · 19/10/2017 14:27

But he does know. He wants to make sure so he can bond with a baby who's sex is not going to upset his DM.

I would like to know what if you have a boy, is he going to treat him any differently.

I agree for practical purposes wanting to know the sex is understandable but in this case the reasoning behind it just seems a bit off

liquidrevolution · 19/10/2017 14:42

I had the first girl grandchild for MIL. Its been a pain and I have had to barricade us from her slightly in order to make sure DD is raised as our child not MILs.

We wanted no pink frills for a start (I had to refuse to dress DD in MILs gifts to stop the onslaught of pink tat) and I make sure contact is limited to what suits us not MIL. By doing this we now have an OK relationship with MIL. Its been hard though.

For your sake I almost wish you have a boy. But please dont be too anxious about it. Time is on your side you need to make sure DH is also on your side and you present a united front. Start now and buildi it up.

And finally my ultimate Rule no. 1. MIL pays for nothing that is important to you. Do the 20 week NHS scan and if you want any more then pay for your self.

CecilyP · 19/10/2017 14:43

Wanting to know in advance so you can plan, should you wish to, sounds fine. Not being able to wait 2 extra weeks which would give him 20 weeks rather than 22, not so fine. Feeling stressed about the possibility of the wrong result, very far from fine!

Alexkate2468 · 19/10/2017 15:20

Haveacupoftea, I'm right with you. Some of the comments here are ridiculous. Talk about blowing things out of proportion. I'm sure the MIL can be handled appropriately and I'm sure DH will be fine whatever the sex of the baby. I totally get there anxiety over not knowing the sex. I loved also being able to refer to 'He' and 'she' rather than 'it'. That did help me bond with my little person. I could imagine the little outfits and decorate the room. All completely unnecessary but lovely parts of pregnancy. I don't think dh is weird at all.
Op, don't stress. Enjoy your pregnancy Flowers

Alexkate2468 · 19/10/2017 15:21

*get the anxiety

Lunde · 19/10/2017 17:16

I would totally resist the idea that you are going to submit to unnecessary medical testing just to appease the strange and toxic family dynamic.

You have already had a scan at almost 17 weeks to placate MIL's "need to know" and you are soon due a 20 week scan - that is enough and it dh cannot accept the results then there are deeper problems

TittyGolightly · 19/10/2017 17:35

There's no "practical reason" to know the sex of a baby, unless you carry a genetic condition that impacts more on one sex than the other.

Luckily I talked to him, and his reasoning was really simple. By knowing in advance his view, we can buy stuff, think of names, and for him its simply a case of wanting to know in advance so he gets a picture in his head. He didn't want to wait for a surprise, he'd rather just know.

That implies that baby girls and boys should be treated differently. That way all manner of madness lies.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/10/2017 18:00

I would give the child a gender neutral name and tell MIL it was a boy.

Francis/Frances (Frankie) is nice . . . Grin

user7680 · 19/10/2017 18:11

Ha? Stressing you out with extra unnecessary expensive scans to please his mother??i would take this crap

user7680 · 19/10/2017 18:13

Wouldn’t

snackarella · 19/10/2017 18:13

Do you have a picture of the gender as such. My private scan gave me a pic of the genitals but so I had something to check with and sure enough when I googled it was def a girl!

mathanxiety · 19/10/2017 19:02

Sit him down. Tell him there will be no second scan. You have already done one at the behest of this overbearing woman, for no medical reason. You are not her personal pinata.

Ask DH how he sees life with the baby once he or she is born. In particular, ask him what he sees as his mother's role in the first weeks, months and year of the baby's life.

Ask him hypothetical questions about demands from MIL to have the baby overnight, demands that you stop breastfeeding so that she can 'help' feed the baby, demands about clothing for the baby, headbands with bows, ear piercing, and anything else that crosses your mind that MIL might set her heart on. How will he deal with all of that?

liquidrevolution · 20/10/2017 15:10

Spot on mathan

jayne1976 · 20/10/2017 17:36

Not sure how at this stage knowing the sex is going to help him bond with the baby??

Onlyme100 · 20/10/2017 17:49

Well, I had parent telling me that the hospital scans got their baby's gender wrong... and that's the reason why I kept the gender of my baby private at work. You are having a baby to have a BABY not a boy or girl... so what does it matter? However, I say go and have the scan... that way you can both prepare for him/her.

cao32xx · 20/10/2017 17:51

Wait 2 weeks! Why does he need to know now!? What’s the big deal Hmm

Parker231 · 20/10/2017 18:00

I think I would prefer the times where finding our the sex in advance wasn’t an option. What’s wrong with a surprise and your only wish being for a healthy baby?

eulmh · 20/10/2017 18:22

Is it your first? Sometimes men react in different ways as they struggle to handle all of the changes, I know women go through it (I am female) but I think it’s hard for them to watch. Maybe he wants to be extra organised and start buying stuff, I’d do it if it helps his peace of mind

FaveNumberIs2 · 20/10/2017 18:23

It doesn’t matter why it bothers him so much, just like it doesn’t matter that it doesn’t bother you, what matters is that it’s upsetting him.

There no harm in another scan, scans don’t harm you or the baby so as long as he understands the financial cost involved, then go for the scan, even if it’s to put his mind at ease. This is a partnership, he’s allowed to have these feelings and thoughts too.

Strongmummy · 20/10/2017 18:34

TEll him to get help sorting out the rough patch with work / his parents and stop putting his anxiety on you. He's being irrational

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/10/2017 18:49

You probably also need to have a word with DH about all discussions surrounding names of the baby (whether he is a boy or she is a girl) are to be totally confidential because you can already see what will be happening next.

MIL will not approve and want to change the name etc. If she is just introduced to the baby as Francis/Frankie/Megatron she will just have to lump it!

Allthewaves · 20/10/2017 18:54

I'd tell dh to tell mil at 20wk scan - gender was actually inconclusive and private scan may have been wrong so your having a big surprise instead (and telling her to fuck off in your head)

NotAgainYoda · 20/10/2017 19:01

I think the idea of bonding with it before it's born on the basis of its sex is dodgy anyway

You have to get to know the child you are given; not create an idea of what you think they'll be like.

Same goes for giving them a name - they may not look the way you expect them to