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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh stressing about having been told wrong gender

245 replies

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 07:26

More of a WWYD.
I had a private scan at 16w+5 and was told girl.
Since yesterday DH has been on Dr.google and saw how many cases there are of wrong genders being told before 20 weeks(even after the 20w scan in some cases!!).
I am very thankful for this baby and would be happy no matter whether its a boy or girl as long as its healthy but DH wants to pay for another scan now at 18w to reconfirm baby gender. It is annoying him so much that I feel like complying with him and going for the scan but its £59!!!
Is it worth it to go just for his peace of mind or wait 2 weeks until NHS scan?

OP posts:
Lupinsoryourlife · 19/10/2017 07:38

Your MIL sounds a prize op.

I wouldn't be letting her near your baby, regardless of its sex.

Sounds like you've got bigger issues than your DH hereSad

Evelynismyspyname · 19/10/2017 07:39

Shehz

His mother has told him she only wants to celebrate having a grandchild if its a female

Seriously? A woman has told her son that?

Imagine if she'd told her daughter only boy babies are worth celebrating!

Has the dynamic between your DH and his mother always been so damaging?

Is your DH having any kind of counselling?

schoolgaterebel · 19/10/2017 07:39

Will MIL not celebrate if baby is a boy?

SerendipityFelix · 19/10/2017 07:39

X-post OP, but most of my opinion still stands. Your DP needs to not worry about ‘disappointing’ his mother by having a son, and let her prejudice go like water off a ducks back, he’s going to need to protect his child from it. Perhaps explore why his mother’s input is so influential on his own attitude towards his child. And still explore his own gender prejudices, if he’s learned them from how he was patented.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 19/10/2017 07:40

You have a mil problem then. I think I'd tell her she'll be having limited contact with your baby if she doesn't change her attitude towards their genitals.

I wouldn't worry about bonding with a bump. Babies don't seem all that real until they're out. Even then it can take a while to bond.

XJerseyGirlX · 19/10/2017 07:40

You would think after watching you battle hyperemesis that he would just be happy that the baby is healthy. However, perhaps he is really nervous about becoming a dad ( is it your first ?) and is fixating on this as a reaction. Two weeks isn't long to wait , he needs to have some patience. Hope your feeling ok now op. Hyperemesis is bloody awful :-(

PoundsShillingsPence · 19/10/2017 07:43

Was he in favour of you having the first scan? Did he want to find out?
I didn't want to know with my dc - one of the reasons being that it isn't 100%. I didn't care if either dc was boy / girl but I didn't want to expect one and be shocked if it was wrong 20 weeks later. Close friend was told boy but she had a girl - she was delighted with her daughter but it was a shock as she had spent 20 weeks thinking of the baby as Joshua!!!!
Keep the result of the scan to yourselves until it is confirmed at NHS scan - even then you don't have to share that information.

Original poster
Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 07:43

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support as well as good advice.
Well he will just have to wait for the 20 week scan and my MIL can keep her nasty attitude to herself.
It's her 3rd grandchild (she has 2 other which are boys from my DH's elder brother) but she can't demand for me to have a girl. I don't decide that and very honestly I do not care about the baby's sex. As long as its a healthy baby.
Thank you everyoneFlowers

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 19/10/2017 07:44

This is a great chance to talk about MIL and boundaries before the baby is here. I think posters are being a little harsh even though I understand snippiness over gender preference.

If MIL is a nightmare it's likely that he's operating according to a kind of family script where everyone has to dance around her feelings. These kinds of things are really hard to work through. The reality is though it's something you're going to have to push through as a couple and confront, however painfully, because even if this baby is a girl and therefore acceptable to MIL, what if you have a boy in the future? I think he's hoping to avoid the issue and block his ears but actually if you plan on more DC in the future, even just a possibility, this needs addressing now - you can't let her develop a relationship with your daughter and then be faced with a horrible choice of do you keep seeing her while she treats your two children differently or do you break your DD's relationship with her gran?

My MIL favours her female grandchildren and it's actually ridiculous - like a whole room full of (crap) Christmas presents for niece whereas the others get one or two. We keep our distance, not only for these reasons but it's not fair. I worry too that if DH and I succeed in having a child together she's going to favour them over my DS and I just think that's appalling. Luckily DH is wary of this too so he's quite switched on but if your DH is still reverting to people pleasing where MIL is concerned it's probably just something you need to discuss a lot, even when it's painful. I've found issues like this to be some of the most difficult parts of parenting. In some ways, better to get it started early!

Yogagirl123 · 19/10/2017 07:44

MIL will only celebrate if the gender is female, what’s that all about? What a hurtful comment to her son. Take care OP.

WhatwouldAryado · 19/10/2017 07:46

With a MIL like that you have very sound reasons for not having a gender/ sex scan or testing AT ALL. If she's not interested in a grandchild existing except outside what would make her happy then she's not interested at all in them just ticking some imaginary box off. I'd be keeping her at arms length permanently.

JaneEyre70 · 19/10/2017 07:48

Why would you expose your baby to an ultrasound just to find out what sex it is? The risks are minimal but they are still there. I think the whole paid scans for sexing are heinous to be honest, ultrasound is and should only be used as a diagnostic tool. You're lucky your baby was in good health, a lot of people get dreadful news after a scan. I'd be a bit concerned about your DH to be honest, he sounds unhinged.

whiskyowl · 19/10/2017 07:49

I think £60 isn't very much to get certainty if it means a lot to your DH. On the other hand, £60 would probably pay for the start of counselling to get him out of the Fear, Obligation and Guilt he clearly feels about his MIL.

WhatwouldAryado · 19/10/2017 07:50

My ex MIL says she only ever wanted sons and acts like It's all her brilliance that she had 2 and no daughters (She also wanted them born on her husband's birthday and they are a week out each side).
It is funny (but also depressing) that she only has 4 granddaughters. Which of course is the fault of her 2 ex DIL (She raised misogynistic lazy unfaithful sons Hmm).

Ceto · 19/10/2017 07:50

If he's worried about having told his mother it's a girl, he needs to be aware that even if the next test appears to confirm it it's still not a guarantee. He needs to tell his mother that these things are not guaranteed accurate, and that if she can't accept his child whatever sex it is it's no-one's loss but hers.

JoJoSM2 · 19/10/2017 07:52

Poor DH! I'd just go for an extra scan if it makes him feel better. Unless you're struggling to make ends meet and the £59 means you struggle to pay utilities or put food on the table.

KarmaNoMore · 19/10/2017 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MessyBun247 · 19/10/2017 07:53

MIL needs to be told to feck off.

PandorasXbox · 19/10/2017 07:55

Why didn’t you say about the MIL initially for goodness sake!

wobblywonderwoman · 19/10/2017 07:56

No way would I have the scan. It us ridiculous. Bond with the baby- madness. Why would boy or girl matter. It is his flesh and blood.
I wouldn't have too many dealings with mil either - selfish women. Horrible

Original poster
Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 07:57

Pandora Because DH insists that its HIM who needs the reassurance to "bond" but its so unlike him.
I know of that comment my MIL made and I know it is bothering him and I am assuming it is whats making him insist for another scan.

OP posts:
Dingdongdigeridoo · 19/10/2017 07:59

Just tell her you read that too many scans are bad for the baby. What a ridiculous woman.

Your DH is being kind of an arse by pandering to her. He’s letting his mothers feelings cloud what should be a happy time in his life.

LoverOfCake · 19/10/2017 07:59

I've never understood why people want to know the sex of a baby prior to the birth and tbh think it's bizarre that the popularity of finding out has increased so much.

IMO the best way is to just not find out that way nobody can be disappointed if it's wrong.

Original poster
Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 08:00

He is always trying to cover up for MIL nastiness but yes have decided won't go for the scan just to satisfy her wicked need. Even if DH insists it is him who needs the reassurance, he will just have to wait 2 weeks. And as other PP have mentioned, the NHS can get it wrong sometimes at the 20 week scan as well. So not worth spending the money or giving in to "elderly tantrums" as I would call it.

OP posts:
bimbobaggins · 19/10/2017 08:01

Poor dh nothing! The dh should have told his mother that her attitude was poor and if she was only celebrating a girl baby then she wouldn’t be celebrating any baby of mine. Not going to his wife pressuring her to have a scan she doesn’t want

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