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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh stressing about having been told wrong gender

245 replies

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 07:26

More of a WWYD.
I had a private scan at 16w+5 and was told girl.
Since yesterday DH has been on Dr.google and saw how many cases there are of wrong genders being told before 20 weeks(even after the 20w scan in some cases!!).
I am very thankful for this baby and would be happy no matter whether its a boy or girl as long as its healthy but DH wants to pay for another scan now at 18w to reconfirm baby gender. It is annoying him so much that I feel like complying with him and going for the scan but its £59!!!
Is it worth it to go just for his peace of mind or wait 2 weeks until NHS scan?

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 19/10/2017 08:58

@CockacidalManiac

No, not taking the p* Just think OP’s husband is an anxious parent-to-be and I don’t see the point of spiting him.

yoyoyoyoyo · 19/10/2017 08:59

I have some empathy for him actually. And I say that as someone going through a divorce who had a DH so useless and selfish around pregnancy and birth and babies.

On a superficial levers he is told his mum only cares about him having a girl baby. Maybe she said that all through his life. Maybe there was an infant that died with a sex linked condition. Maybe he is just so worn down being told he is inferior that the only my good thing he can do is have a baby of the right gender.

When I first had a kid, a friend who comes from a very male dominated community, told me her husband gathered girls because he had superior sperm. There was some theory about chromosomes. He told other men who had boys, it showed his sperm was superior to theirs.

He is getting roasted on here but I think this goes deeper. Use this time to find out wtf is going on because these issues need sorting before baby arrives.

They will get 100x worse and MIL needed to understand your boundaries now.
Good luck. Your baby will be amazing and he will love them whatever their sex.

RosieBucket · 19/10/2017 09:02

If it's not 100% accurate, there's no point doing it. He'll still be stressing. It sounds like a very unusual thing to stress about tbh.

Usually I'm quite defensive of mothers in law, as I think there are two sides to every story. I'm not a mil, but I do have one.
But to try and persuade you to have another scan for whatever ridiculous reason that is not medical need is a step too far.
I would be saying no.

yoyoyoyoyo · 19/10/2017 09:05

If it makes you feel better, my FIL was desperate for a girl. Didn’t want another grandson. So my SIL who has lots of MH problems and two sons, was cross and upset. She told me she would be really jealous and upset if I had girls. She was treated like shit all her life so I didn’t blame her.
However I’d had a CVS so knew it was a boy. FIL knew it was a boy. He kept calling the baby ‘Sarah’ telling me he wanted a girl, until my son was born ConfusedConfusedConfused

Piewraith · 19/10/2017 09:07

But if you get an 18 week scan you still can't be 100% sure. What then? Get a 19 week and a 21 week scan as well?

Your DH sounds like all of us on the POAS threads. Oh it's negative... But maybe it's too early... Ok I'll do another one... BFN.... But maybe this one was also too early.... Ok just one more...

No amount of testing can give reassurance.

BertieBotts · 19/10/2017 09:09

Oh it's absolutely a tricky issue, a minefield really - he'll only genuinely address it when he wants to, you can't force him to. It's just one of those crap family things. It's a painful truth to look at really so you can't blame him for feeling like he can still manage things and it will be alright - he might just need a taste of reality.

I would encourage you to be honest with him rather than trying to spare his feelings on the MIL issue, I would not keep hounding him saying you need to sort this out, you need counselling etc blah blah, that's probably going to annoy him, if he's not ready to address it. But you can be honest about how MIL makes you feel, how her comments concern you, the concerns you have not only for this DC but potentially for future DC.

If you point things out that he can't argue with (like the hypothetical situation where next child is a boy and she's noticeably treating your two children differently) then it all helps him make his own conclusions but you can't force him to address his own childhood trauma. That wouldn't just be intrusive, it would be quite disrespectful I think.

user1495451339 · 19/10/2017 09:09

His mother sounds like a nightmare. What an insult to your husband that she only wants female grandchildren! I think the issue is her. Tell your husband no scan is certain so there is no point doing extra, unless you would actually like to have an additional scan.

hippyhippyshake · 19/10/2017 09:13

DH, you are not going to know 100% until the moment the baby is born. Calm down. Go buy yourself a new set of spanners or something.

JustHope · 19/10/2017 09:13

Your MIL sounds like a horrible uncaring woman. I think it’s very important that you and your DH do not pander to her or the cycle of emotional abuse will just continue. You cannot just produce a female child to order keep his MIL happy. All the scans in the world cannot guarantee the outcome. Would she reject her grandchild if it is a boy?

Your DH really needs to get some help or this relationship with his mother will impact badly on all of your lives.

Uptheduffy · 19/10/2017 09:15

Why did the OP have the scan? Was the dh even at the scan?
Seems odd to criticise the dh for wanting a pointless scan when the OP chose to have one herself.
The MIL is the much bigger issue though.

JigglyTuff · 19/10/2017 09:16

It's not 'spiting' him to refuse another scan Confused

The next one might not be 100% either. Or the 20 week one. Or any subsequent scans the OP may have to have.

Original poster
Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 09:21

UptheDuffyI thought it would be quite clear from my posts that quite OBVIOUSLY dh was at the scan and the scan was offered by MIL as a "gift" as she was desperate to find out about the sex. Well she paid half of it and we paid for the other half on the scan day.

OP posts:
Namesarehard · 19/10/2017 09:27

If anyone only wanted to celebrate my baby determined on their sex I wouldn't allow them to be part of their life. No matter who it was. What a disgusting attertude.

Original poster
Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 09:28

Namesarehard I would gladly cut her off but she is going to play her trump card that FIL has passed away and I should be more "understanding"..

OP posts:
RedBlu · 19/10/2017 09:32

We had our anomaly scan at 20 weeks and we were told girl but the sonographer who did the scan didn’t seem particularly competent.

We booked for a private 3D/4D scan at 28 weeks where it was confirmed as a girl. Turned out that the sonographer who did the scan had been struck off a few weeks after our 20 weeks scan due to “cultural differences” and poor performance so I am glad we re-confirmed

Coconutspongexo · 19/10/2017 09:36

Most private scanning places don't use qualified sonographers so I wouldn't ever use these except for a little sneak peak if anything - I know that doesn't help but for future reference.

The sex shouldn't really matter. I'm not sure why it would matter it baffles me when people get worked up over it. Especially patients who kick off because the baby isn't co operating but they just need to know the sex. You don't NEED to know. Tell DH and MIL to piss off and be happy regardless

Bumblesbees · 19/10/2017 09:37

I was actually the problem during our first pregnancy. I went into a panic over the sex of the baby for no real reason. It was just that I was a bit stressed out. and having some degree of "certainty" in what is basically a very uncertain time where you have little control just seemed important to me. We had 4 extra scans. My H obviously thought I was a bit of a loon but he never objected to the scans or said i shouldn't have them. Maybe your DH is just nervous about parenthood.

Uptheduffy · 19/10/2017 09:38

Well no actually none of your posts mention who was at the scan, or say you had one at MIL’s suggestion, or that she paid half. We are not mind readers! The 20 week scan is to look for anomalies not to sex your baby. Work with your dh to focus on how lovely it will be to have a healthy baby Flowers

whitehorsesdonotlie · 19/10/2017 09:38

his mum said she only wants to "celebrate" having a grandchild if its a female. And he has already told his mum its a baby girl.

Blimey, OP, you have your work cut out for you. Your MIL sounds like a prize dick and I wouldn't be letting her anywhere near my precious baby, boy or girl. How dare she??

And your h needs to man up and grow a pair and stand up to his mother - otherwise this will be your life.

You don't need to know a baby's sex to bond with it! how do you think people managed before scans??

whitehorsesdonotlie · 19/10/2017 09:40

What's he going to do if the baby's a boy? Refuse to bond with it? He needs to think hard about his feelings for this baby - where they're coming from, how unhealthy they are, and what he's going to do about them. Good luck.

CotswoldStrife · 19/10/2017 09:46

If your DH is so doubtful about the scans correctly showing the sex of the baby (and they do get it wrong occasionally) then why was he happy to believe the results - and broadcast them to his mother - the first time? What would be different about another one? What if the second scan says it is a boy, what would he do then?!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/10/2017 09:48

The baby is what the baby is.

Totally, totally this! ^^^

Your MIL sounds a witch (Why is a girls so important? A BABY is so important! Would this be the first girl born in the family for 200 years or something? So what?)

What will your husband do if you learn that you are having a boy? How does gender affect bonding? Dads (and Mama) have been bonding with their babies for millennia and have had no idea of the sex of the baby pre=birth.

If it's so important to him, let him waste the money (if you can afford), but ask him what he will do if the first scan was wrong.

Perfectly1mperfect · 19/10/2017 09:50

Shehz21

she is going to play her trump card that FIL has passed away and I should be more "understanding

Why on earth are you entertaining this woman. If her husband has died she should understand how precious a persons life is then, be them male or female. I would hardly call this her trump card. And maybe she needs to be more "understanding" that sex of baby is not a choice. She sounds insane. She would not be a part of my life. I mean I am seriously list for words.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 19/10/2017 09:51

I think you should save the money that a private scan costs and put it towards some counselling for your dh. He really needs to be aware of the control his mother has and the stress she’s causing him.

If your mil plays her trump card, maybe you should remind her that she shouldn’t be trying to alienate the family she has left.

diddl · 19/10/2017 09:52

"his mum said she only wants to "celebrate" having a grandchild if its a female. "

She should have been told that she won't have to bother herself as she wouldn't be seeing it ever!

You shouldn't have had the scan at all imo.

I'd be reluctant to have him there at the 20wk scan tbh if all he's going to do is stress & whittle about boy/girl.