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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh stressing about having been told wrong gender

245 replies

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 07:26

More of a WWYD.
I had a private scan at 16w+5 and was told girl.
Since yesterday DH has been on Dr.google and saw how many cases there are of wrong genders being told before 20 weeks(even after the 20w scan in some cases!!).
I am very thankful for this baby and would be happy no matter whether its a boy or girl as long as its healthy but DH wants to pay for another scan now at 18w to reconfirm baby gender. It is annoying him so much that I feel like complying with him and going for the scan but its £59!!!
Is it worth it to go just for his peace of mind or wait 2 weeks until NHS scan?

OP posts:
Alanna1 · 19/10/2017 08:24

I loved having scans and seeing my baby, so I wouldn't mind. But there is as others have said always an error rate, as in anything really. Good luck.

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 08:25

Duckmyuterus Seems like you are among the minority with letting DH has his way but since I am guessing he is doing it less for himself and more for MIL, I don't think it's fair to me to go for another scan to satisfy her 'female only' obsession.

OP posts:
Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 08:27

Bertie This one is a bit tricky as I have previously mentioned with FIL passing away and MIL clearly abusing of that fact to make DH dance to her tunes.. I mean no disrespect to my MIL and understand her grief about losing her partner but she has always been emotionally abusive towards DH and it has only become worse since FIL's death.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 19/10/2017 08:31

Poor DH! I'd just go for an extra scan if it makes him feel better. Unless you're struggling to make ends meet and the £59 means you struggle to pay utilities or put food on the table.

Are you taking the piss?

ChocolateButton15 · 19/10/2017 08:33

I had a private scan st 16 weeks and they said "looks like a boy". The paperwork from the scan has some disclaimer written on it about it not being 100% accurate. At the 20 week scan it says "appears male". So they wont 100% confirm it even at the 20 week scan.There's no 100% it's just what they can see on the day depending on how the baby is laying. Also to prepare him the 20 week scan is quite long because they are checking for defects as a priority and making sure everything is as it should be. My baby was laying funny so she was scanning for nearly an hour before even looking at the sex.

CockacidalManiac · 19/10/2017 08:36

Seems the men haters are out in force today... Your DH isn't an arse, nor hard work, I know if this was my partner it would niggle at him day and night if he didn't know. No, the scan probably won't reassure him either way as it could still be wrong, but I'm sure he's accommodated some weird stuff for you whilst you're pregnant, it's his baby too, let him have his flap grin if multiple scans are what he needs to feel closer to the baby, as long as it's not going to screw you financially, there's no harm in it I suppose.

The old ‘man-hating’ shit again. His behaviour is completely abnormal, can’t you see that? If he can’t bond with the baby without being completely sure of its sex because of his horrible mother, then there’s massive issues involved here.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/10/2017 08:38

But if he's found evidence saying that under 20weeks they may get it wrong why would he want to repeat it at 18weeks?

wanderings · 19/10/2017 08:39

Some of the replies here are really quite harsh, I'm sorry that you're getting such a hard time here OP.

I say the problem lies squarely with DH's mother, only "wanting to celebrate if it's a girl". (Does said mother love her son, despite him not being a girl?) It's not your DH's fault his mother is like this. Standing up to one's own mother can be far easier said than done.

As for DH's frustration about waiting two weeks: a wait like that can really seem like an eternity when (to him) there's a lot resting on it. Yes, two weeks is nothing compared to the pregnancy itself; perhaps it's short-term frustration, and he'll be over it in a day or two. In a situation like that, it can be terribly tempting to find some way to get control of the situation, i.e. wanting to spend £59 on a scan, just to get off the tenterhooks. Also with an impending baby, there's a lot going on in both your minds: there are many stresses now and to come.

It could be a good thing that DH is actually talking about his worries, and not bottling them up. Sometimes my DH refuses to say a word about what's troubling him, perhaps because he's afraid of what I might say, even when it's obvious that there is something on his mind. It sometimes takes a lot of coaxing to get him to say what's troubling him, and sometimes he has not said anything at all, despite all persuading, until it's much too late to do anything about it.

I'm just speculating here, but if your DH does have a difficult relationship with his mother, perhaps he is (unconsciously) also afraid of the same thing happening with his own child, which is why he feels he needs some "reassurance to bond".

DartmoorDoughnut · 19/10/2017 08:40

If your baby is a girl (congratulations btw!) best to start practise standing strong now before MIL starts calling her “her baby” and other bullshit.

1stTimeMama · 19/10/2017 08:41

On announcing the arrival of our 4th baby, and our 3rd son, my MIL's very first reply was "Oh, that's such a shame. I really wanted a girl".

He's nearly 14 months now, and she's seen him 4 times.

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 08:42

wanderings Really appreciate your post :)
I do get your point but I feel like I'd be caving in to MIL need rather than DH iyswim...

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wheresthel1ght · 19/10/2017 08:43

I think your partner is getting a rough time, I was him 4.5 years ago.

I had a horrific pregnancy due to hg all the way through, I literally couldn't keep water down and didn't eat for weeks. After admission to hospital for fluids and half a dozen different drugs they finally found a combo that stopped the physical being sick but the nausea remained til hours after she was born.

As a result of this and years of being told I would never have kids I suffered antenatal depression and struggled to accept I was even pregnant and desperately needed to know the sex as I hoped it would finally make it real and I could bond. I stressed my whole pregnancy that it was wrong and it really stopped me enjoying it or bonding with my baby.

If it means that much I would do it. Yes you could wait the extra 2 weeks but what happens if your hospital won't tell you (some still don't) or baby isn't cooperative and they can't see?

He is clearly suffering anxiety, if it was you feeling this way and your partner not wanting to pay the money everyone would be telling you to ltb

TittyGolightly · 19/10/2017 08:44

I don't think I'd be having unnecessary scans. They can affect baby.

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 08:44

1stTimeMama I'm sorry about that awful comment and more than awful MIL.
Feel sorry for all those struggling with MIL as such infact. It feels like a chore to try to maintain any kind of relationship with MILs like these...

OP posts:
ForgivenessIsDivine · 19/10/2017 08:45

Your poor husband. His mother wants a girl while she had two boys, one of which is your rejected husband.

I liked the idea of a previous poster to spend the money on therapy!! Or perhaps a guided meditation where your DH imagines meeting your perfect baby and understands what unconditional love feels like and you both visualise creating a perfect family unit protected by love.

yoyoyoyoyo · 19/10/2017 08:45

This is t about the gender. He seems very stressed and is fixating on the gender. Is he very concerned with the health of your baby? With your health? Is there any trauma he may be struggling to deal with?

HornyTortoise · 19/10/2017 08:47

Google had to tell your DH that getting the sex wrong early on is common? Hmm With both my kids, at the earlier scans they made a point of saying this. Apparently its very common for them to say its a girl when its a boy, not quite as common the other way round though

Some peoples attitudes around the sex of babies is odd and horrible. No celebrating unless its a boy? With mine, I had a girl first then found out I was having a boy and soooo many people were all like 'oh bet you are happy, thats perfect, bet you would have been pissed off if it was another girl'. Well no, I wouldn't have been Hmm

Spudlet · 19/10/2017 08:48

Blimey, your poor dh, having a mother who makes him feel like that. Was the loss of your FiL fairly recent - is he still grieving perhaps, making him more susceptible to pressure?

I think you need to talk to your dh, and try and get him to see how unreasonable his mother is being. Otherwise it's going to be hell when the baby arrives. He is going to be a father, and that means he needs to be looking after his family - not putting them behind his mother's -loopy and unreasonable whims. Be gentle with him, but he does need to realise that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope your hyperemesis (I think I've misspelled that...) eases up Flowers

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 08:49

wheresthel1ght I'm sorry you suffered so much with HG. It is really horrible and my battle is still ongoing despite a combo of medecines.
I do understand where you coming from with the anxiety of DH. But it is just 2 weeks away and IF NHS can't tell us the sex then I shall comply with his(MiL's) wish.

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LoislovesStewie · 19/10/2017 08:52

I think you need a big hug ; you have had a really rough time feeling/being sick ( I had all day all pregnancy morning sickness, so called, and can empathise) . What you need is some person , DH,MIL etc to focus on caring for you and this is what you get., stress about whether you are having boy/girl.What really matters is if baby is well and you are well. I wouldn't bother with another scan until you have the usual NHS scan and I would say I didn't want to know if boy/girl. Let them wait and get the news when baby is born. I truly think if DH wasn't stressing about this he would stress about something else, a trip to the GP might be best for him. Look after yourself.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 19/10/2017 08:52

I still get the feeling that neither of you are understanding the fact that none of these scans can tell you with 100% certainty what sex the baby is. Nothing can.

ArcheryAnnie · 19/10/2017 08:53

Why will the sex affect him bonding with the baby?

ptumbi · 19/10/2017 08:54

Jesus OP - how does he think men 'bonded' wit the baby before it was born - before sex-scans and such?

I suggest you continue telling MIL it's a girl, whatever else you decide. At the birth you will still have a 50/50% of being right!

Shehz21 · 19/10/2017 08:56

TheHodge I do but he feels like if the scans reconfirm that it's a girl,it would be a girl definitely. Or Lord knows what's going on in his mind.

Lois Yes I think a trip to the GP or like PPs have mentioned spending the £59 on some meditation session or for counselling could be helpful to him.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/10/2017 08:56

I think the DH statements about bonding are about how he will relate to his mother's disappointment if the baby is a boy. It is not 'bonding' or any aspect of his relationship with the baby he is anxious about, but displeasing his mother.

I think you should refuse the second scan, and ask him to confront his feelings about his mother. There is no way you should have to submit to something that is not simple and not without risk or cost just so he can manage his anxiety about this overbearing woman. Now is the time to get this sorted out, while you are not dealing with the practical difficulties of life with a baby and MIL breathing down your necks, with DH possibly disappointing you by siding with her.

As an aside, apart from wheresthel1ght's circumstances, I think fathers should get over themselves when it comes to 'bonding'.

Also as an aside - it's sex, not gender. Sex refers to biology, male or female, arising from chromosomes XX or XY.

Gender is a marketing ploy, giving rise to pink/glitter/unicorns/tutus vs blue/dinosaurs/monster trucks/mud and dirt clothing, and expectations of certain stereotypical behaviour, and separate roles assigned to individuals of each sex.