To think friend should pay for hotel?

[Misspollyhadadolly88]

So, I have two best friends, one whom I've been friends with for 20 years and one who I've been friends with for 10 years. Both get on really well. They're both married and have children. I'm going to be 30 early next year and I've decided to have a big birthday party. I've had a really
Difficult year and I'm really excited to have something to focus on.
Friend of ten years contacted me and friend of twenty years and suggested that the three of us book a hotel to get ready in together and go back to after the party (both husbands have said they will stay home
With children!)
We were all in agreement. Friend of ten years has found a lovely hotel which would work out at £70 each including breakfast for the night. It's a room with two double beds.
Friend of 20 years sent me a text last night saying "£70 each!!! Can we not find something cheaper. I'm not paying heat babe!"
For some history. She constantly moans about money, wants everything cheaper and refuses to spend money on things. Husband has a great job and they own two houses. She's is sSAHM but has always been like this.
I just feel really
Disappointed. Over the years for her I've organised

• surprise 21st
• engagement party
• hen
• wedding (bridesmaid)
• baby shower x2
• bought first baby's cot!
• presents for kids xmas and birthdays
• was a princess at daughters birthday!
• presents for her xmas and birthday

-weekend away for her 30th I don't think it's like for like and I don't expect the same back but I'm a little bit annoyed. Aibu?

Depends on where the hotel is. Weekend nights in a city centre can be hundreds for a fairly average room. A ‘family’ room is cheaper than 3 or even 2 single rooms. Been doing the university open days this month so have very recent experience of this. Sounds par for the course. Tell her to try and find somewhere cheaper.

The idea is lovely. The reality is she may not want to spend £70 on a hotel room ontop of the night out itself.
Regardless of the things you feel you've done for her/spent on her it shouldn't mean she has to find money she may not have for your birthday celebrations. Even if they own 2 houses, it doesn't equate to disposable income to spend on one night, right before Xmas.
If she can find something more affordable then go for that or maybe you and your other friend will have to spend a bit more on the hotel of choice.

In the kindest possible way op friendship shouldn't be measured in who spends what. Absolutely say something if you feel she doesn't make the same effort with you as you do with her. But I think it's unfair to play a game of who spends more. Everyone's finances are different and though she may appear well off, expecting someone to pay a large sum of money on something is unreasonable. At the end of the day the money you spent in the past was your decision.

money is a metaphor for lack of generosity of spirit

so poor people have no generosity of spirit? Good to know

I am personally very generous and quite similar to you in friendship OP but I would also be VERY reluctant to spend 70£ for a night in an hotel room. I wouldn't spend that amount on myself to be honest.

Lots of people think I live "the good life" because I travel frequently and often live abroad and of course from the outside and looking at pictures of my trips and life it may look like this but truth is, I am not well off at all, I simply budget everything up to the last cent. Lots of my friends who travel much less than me are much better-off than me (they just decide to spend their disposable income in other things) and simply assume I can afford much more than I can despite me trying to explain that I can't.

You may assume your friend has much more disposable money than she does. She is SAHM, she has two houses (that probably generate costs), she has children (to feed, dress and entertain) and a husband. You may earn less than her husband but once your rent/mortage and bills are paid you are only having to provide for one person, which may leave you much better off than your friend who is having to provide for 3 or more and like people have said, since she isn't working, she may not even be able to call the shots on this one.

I can see both side of the story to be honest. One of my closest friend is (better off than me) much less careful with money than I am and often likes for us to go on a crazy adventures, (she is Aussie and living in Oz and I am not so evertyhing we do often already involves traveling) except she never really budget. I don't see her that often so I often cave in because I do love her and want to see her which mean that I often end up spending much more than I feel comfortable spending. Last year for her birthday she texted me to say "we were going to Ibiza" as the flights were cheap and indeed they were, except she hadn't looked at accomodations and the prices were excrutiatingly high. This little weekend-away ended up costing me over 500€ which is much more than I would have ever been comfortable spending on a trip that lasted such a short time! The year before that it was a ski trip to NZ that ended up costing me thousands.

If I ever suggest that I may not be able to afford it, she gets slightly offended as if I don't value our friendship enough to spend that amount of money on spending time with her. It's true that she has spent a lot of money on me in the past. (If she really wants to do something and I really can't afford it then she'll pay half or will just pay for it) so I know that she really wants to spend time with me and is a very good friend but she doesn't always understand that me not being able to afford to do something with her doesn't mean that I don't value her or our friendship.

I don't have as much money as her so obviously I don't do expensive surprise gift and stuff like that like she can do but when she needs me, I am there. I have also moved to Oz for her for a year when she was going through a rough patch. I do value our friendship and it does hurt me and annoy me when she insinuates that I don't simply because I can't afford to do something she wants to do.

OP, is your friend there for you when you need her to be? Does she provide you the support and listening ear you need when going through a tough patch? if she does, then I wouldn't be upset at her for the hotel room. She obviously wants to join in on the party and be there for you on your birthday but she is also being honest about her financial situation. It doesn't mean "she doesn't like you enough to spend 70£ on you", just that she can't currently spend 70£ on an hotel room.

My friend likes to suggest those very expensive trip or outings for her birthday and I always feel obliged to say yes, as I don't want to force her to change her plans or have her do something she doesn't really want to do on her birthday but it is a pain in the arse because if I didn't go I would feel like a shitty friend as she is my closest friend but if I go, I am often in debts for a while afterwards as it always gets outside my budget. So yes, talk to her and figure something out. At the end of the day her attending (even if on a budget) is more important than her not coming at all, right?

So, this story has taken a turn unexpectedly.
Was on the phone to her last night. I didn't mention the hotel or anything. She then asked if I'm around the weekend before my birthday. I said I was. She asked if I could come over and babysit.
It turns out that she's going on the hen of one of the playgroup mums who she's has known for six months. It's costing £350 but she likes this girl a lot and since the kids will probably go to school together, wants to make a good impression.

I don't even know where to start.

I hope to God you are not babysitting.She thinks more of her flash in the pan friend.Well let her get someone else to babysit.

It's horrible and hurtful, OP, but I'm not actually surprised.
As I wrote above, I've had similarish friendships. I found that the friend who gives more (support, time, money, whatever) can become lower priority. You've shown you'll be there for her whatever. And a certain kind of person, instead of appreciating that, then takes you for granted.
I think it's time to draw a line.

By 'draw a line' I don't necessarily mean end the friendship. But to say clearly and calmly that you find her behaviour over this hurtful. However I don't know if you've ever said anything to her before.

I feel weirdly vindicated by finding out that yes, she's definitely THAT type of person. Can't spend £70 for her oldest friend who has sweated blood over her in the past, but can spend £350 to try to get in with the right crowd elsewhere.

You know what she thinks of you, really and truly, now. In future, calibrate your resource expenditure (energy, love, money) on this relationship in light of this knowledge. Someone like you deserves much, much better mates.

"I found that the friend who gives more (support, time, money, whatever) can become lower priority."

This is really good advice. You've always been there. You're now taken for granted. You're not even showing up as a person with feelings or needs to her.

However Whiskyowl, I do think I have some responsibility when it's happened to me. In that my boundaries aren't too good in some way?
Not saying this is the case for OP, the friend sounds pretty awful, but OP's list of everything she'd done for her friend did make me feel a bit uncomfortable.

It's really grubby to rate friends on the basis of how much they will spend on you. It's vulgar.
A hen weekend away is a totally different thing to staying in a hotel when you can easily go home. It's not an indicator of friendship, just of practicality.

@12345onceicaughtafish / @Misspollyhadadolly88 that's really crap. I sincerely hope you're not going to babysit for her. And hopefully now you'll fee good about going through with the birthday treat hotel with your other friend.

@whiskyowl I feel the same. Sometimes people make up all these stories about the possibility of yada yada yada. Occam's Razor and all that.

Absolutely Occam's razor JingsMah. And once they’ve gone with their (invented) narrative they’ll keep posting about it.

OP the one bright spot to this is your other friend, who really cares for you enough to arrange the lovely hotel for you. Actually, also the fact that you’ve seen this other friend for who she is. And how she rates you lower priority than someone she’s known for six months. I agree with AuntyElle, she thinks you’re lower priority because you’ve always been there for her, so she believes she can take your friendship for granted. Friends like you, who are there for you when you need them rare and valuable and should be appreciated.

You don’t have to break the friendship, but fgs don’t babysit for her and put yourself, not her, first in future. Enjoy your birthday OP.

Repost as your original NN or people won't see your update as you've NC'd.
Tell her to do one!

I've seen your update re the £350 hen night.

I still think £70 is expensive for a hotel where I would have to share a room / bed (hate doing either).

I don't think the £350 is comparable as hen dos tend to be higher priority than birthdays (as people only usually have one).

Still, if I were her I wouldn't send you that text about not wanting to pay £70 but then tell you she's spending £350 on a hen and then also asking you to babysit....she sounds a bit thick to me!

Just don't babysit, share the room with the other friend and let it go. It's not worth losing a 20 year friendship over....