To think friend should pay for hotel?

[Misspollyhadadolly88]

So, I have two best friends, one whom I've been friends with for 20 years and one who I've been friends with for 10 years. Both get on really well. They're both married and have children. I'm going to be 30 early next year and I've decided to have a big birthday party. I've had a really
Difficult year and I'm really excited to have something to focus on.
Friend of ten years contacted me and friend of twenty years and suggested that the three of us book a hotel to get ready in together and go back to after the party (both husbands have said they will stay home
With children!)
We were all in agreement. Friend of ten years has found a lovely hotel which would work out at £70 each including breakfast for the night. It's a room with two double beds.
Friend of 20 years sent me a text last night saying "£70 each!!! Can we not find something cheaper. I'm not paying heat babe!"
For some history. She constantly moans about money, wants everything cheaper and refuses to spend money on things. Husband has a great job and they own two houses. She's is sSAHM but has always been like this.
I just feel really
Disappointed. Over the years for her I've organised

• surprise 21st
• engagement party
• hen
• wedding (bridesmaid)
• baby shower x2
• bought first baby's cot!
• presents for kids xmas and birthdays
• was a princess at daughters birthday!
• presents for her xmas and birthday

-weekend away for her 30th I don't think it's like for like and I don't expect the same back but I'm a little bit annoyed. Aibu?

She's a SAHM. There is every chance that while her husband has money, she does not.

Or she might just think its too expensive.

I wouldn’t pay £70 for one night to share a room on a night out either.

People think we’re well off because we both have supposedly good jobs but we are not.

If you are that close you would look at other options.

Maybe she wants everything cheaper and moans about money because she is genuinely struggling financially. If she can't afford it, she can't afford it. And if she can afford it but just doesn't want to spend that much, then that's her choice, but it's up to you whether you change the hotel or let her miss out.

Symptomatic of our princessification culture.

I mean you're turning 30, it happens. Not sure why you're turning it into some kind of hen do set up

That's not really that expensive for a hotel. Hotel room prices are generally extortionate IMO.

But anyway, if you think you can find something cheaper but nice then maybe keep looking around?

£210 isn't much for a good hotel room in all honesty depending on where you are. A super budget hotel in London is about £90 per night for one double bed and no breakfast. So, £210 for two double beds in a fancy treat hotel including breakfast for three people is downright cheap. At an average of £15 breakfast x 3 people = £45. That means the hotel is really only about £165 including hotel taxes.

Honestly OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all regarding this and the way you're feeling. It must feel like the last straw for you. I'm sorry. Maybe if you break down the maths for her it might help sway her? Also, ask what her budget really is. You may not be too far apart on that point. Consult with your 10 year friend about how she feels about possibly taking a slightly cheaper room in the same hotel.

But I would also lightly broach the topic about you'd like some parity in the relationship and you'll like to feel special on your birthday this year. Good luck with this.

I think you can read into other people's finances hen you don't know the circumstances.

Most people have 2nd homes as their pension plan, an investment which has its own outgoings.

As a sahm, how much financial independence has she got?

Point is, the OP has bought this friend a load of presents and done a lot of the emotional work of organising things for her (which is actually a greater contribution than the financial one) and she can't even be arsed to shell out £70 back for a special birthday. She doesn't expect it to be an equal exchange - but this friend sounds very grabby and take-take-take.

But I am always utterly shocked by the pride in meanness on Mumsnet. I was brought up in a culture where you are expected to be generous to friends and family with your time and money and it is shameful if you are not. Very different to the selfish culture of "me first, me second, me third" of the white middle classes!

£210 is a lot for one hotel room for many. Also, I do wonder if she is a SAHM if her husband controls her spending.

In addition, just because someone APPEARS to be well off financially, that doesn't necessarily mean they are. I have known many people in the past who flaunt their 'wealth,' have new cars, a £400K house, and just HAVE to tell you about their expensive holiday in Peru/ Australia/ South Africa; and then out of the blue, they suddenly go bankrupt.

It's happened to at LEAST half a dozen people I know. Could it be something like this for her? That her husband is in charge of the finances, or they are actually not that well off? I agree with the posters saying she may not necessarily be 'rolling in it.' IMO, if she was, then £70 would be nothing!

On the other hand, @Misspollyhadadolly , making a list of everything you have done for her is pretty tacky, and suggests you feel she 'owes' you. When I do things for people, it's not so they will do stuff for me in return. I do it because I care about them, and I love them.

There are two things here really - one is the practical side (is she going to be involved or not?) and one is you feeling hurt both because of the history and your perception she has an affluent background.

On the practical side - if you want to do the £70 place with your friend, then tell her that is what you want to do so you don't want to find anywhere cheaper. It would be great if she comes too but if she doesn't want to, she is welcome to find another place nearby that suits her budget and come to meet you at your hotel to get ready/for drinks first. You hope she wants to come to celebrate with you even if she is going to stay somewhere else.

The hurt feelings side - I think you should address it with her directly. Say you were a bit hurt and explain why. You probably also need to explain in passing that you didn't perceive £70 to be outside of her budget. I don't mean blundering in in a "LOOK A YOUR LIFESTYLE" way but do touch on your own perception because as others have said you don't know her true financial position. For all you know her husband is controlling financial abuser who gives her nothing to live on. She may not appreciate that your view that she could easily afford it contributes to your hurt.

Where is the idea coming from that £210 is a lot for a hotel room? Maybe in Blackpool or Grimsby it is... but not on a Saturday night in most major cities or tourist places.

If friend doesn't want to spend that she can decline and meet at the party rather than dragging the other two down.

Where is the idea coming from that £210 is a lot for a hotel room

Because its a lot for a hotel room? I have never paid that and I have stayed in some lovely hotels in major cities and tourist places.
Are you paying rack rates, folks?

Just googled 4*hotels and came up with this on second hit.
www.qhotels.co.uk/offers/offer/?offerUrlName=/leisure-offers/wine-and-dine/.
I know it isn't suitable for your night out but if this is the kind of thing she's been thinking of then I can understand why £210 for B+B, no matter how lovely, might seem a bit steep!
YANBU to be a little hurt, but SINBU for raising the issue rather than letting it fester or dropping out at the last minute.

"When I do things for people, it's not so they will do stuff for me in return."

The OP has made it absolutely clear in her first post that she doesn't see this as a like-for-like exchange. WTF is going on this morning, people are just not reading ANYTHING!

If you are suggesting that a friendship that is all one way is healthy, and people should just keep giving out of "care", you are essentially advocating all sorts of abuse. There needs to be some kind of reciprocity. It doesn't have to be of a financial kind - it can be support, it can be organisation, it can be any other form of giving. The OP, having done a LOT for this friend does have a right to feel a bit put out that she's not willing to do a single thing back in return - particularly given that she's having a hard time at the moment and this party is emotionally important to her for that reason.

@5drivers7hills

Where is the idea coming from that £210 is a lot for a hotel room? Maybe in Blackpool or Grimsby it is... but not on a Saturday night in most major cities or tourist places.

Wow! How the other half live.

What a horrible, snobby post.

Oh do go and have a lie down @whiskyowl, you will give yourself a migraine.

If she's a friend of 20years isn't it worth compromising rather than listing all the stuff you've bought her?

She can still come to the hotel and get ready with the op she just won't stay the night.

But hotels just are more expensive in some locations than others. My city is way cheaper to stay in than London is. I was quite surprised how pricey Belfast was recently - I had to go one particular set of dates, and couldn't find anything central under £120 a night.

I hate when people make me spend a lot of money to celebrate their bday ... it’s like if I say no I seem awful but I didn’t even spend that much on my own bloody birthday.

+1 each to the latest posts by @whiskyowl and @PinkTiger.

The OP has done 20 years of accommodating for her friend and all she wants is one night and breakfast in a fancy hotel bonding with her best girlfriends for £70 pounds each to celebrate her 30th birthday. That's really not too much to ask.

We all know £210 isn't a lot in London but sharing a room between
3 people or a bed with a friend isn't the height of luxury is it, I don't like room sharing so would not want to spend£70 on it. I'd rather spend £100 and have my own room tbh. Like my own space

And @SoEverybodyDance that message would sound like friendship blackmail and I would be raging at the person who sent it to me.

all she wants is one night and breakfast in a fancy hotel bonding with her best girlfriends for £70 pounds each to celebrate her 30th birthday. That's really not too much to ask

actually its 70 pounds plus travel plus drinks plus food plus gift plus extras. So way way more than 70 quid.
And I imagine the friend has done many many things and gone to many events for the OP over the 20 years. Very odd to imagine she hasn't in fact.

but not willing to spend £70 on a special night out for a really close mate!

Where do you get that £70 figure from? Did the OP said she was going to pay for all the drinks, food, transport (at least a cab both ways), all evening, and refuse a birthday gift?
I am guessing the whole birthday celebration will be rather more than £70...