To think friend should pay for hotel?

[Misspollyhadadolly88]

So, I have two best friends, one whom I've been friends with for 20 years and one who I've been friends with for 10 years. Both get on really well. They're both married and have children. I'm going to be 30 early next year and I've decided to have a big birthday party. I've had a really
Difficult year and I'm really excited to have something to focus on.
Friend of ten years contacted me and friend of twenty years and suggested that the three of us book a hotel to get ready in together and go back to after the party (both husbands have said they will stay home
With children!)
We were all in agreement. Friend of ten years has found a lovely hotel which would work out at £70 each including breakfast for the night. It's a room with two double beds.
Friend of 20 years sent me a text last night saying "£70 each!!! Can we not find something cheaper. I'm not paying heat babe!"
For some history. She constantly moans about money, wants everything cheaper and refuses to spend money on things. Husband has a great job and they own two houses. She's is sSAHM but has always been like this.
I just feel really
Disappointed. Over the years for her I've organised

• surprise 21st
• engagement party
• hen
• wedding (bridesmaid)
• baby shower x2
• bought first baby's cot!
• presents for kids xmas and birthdays
• was a princess at daughters birthday!
• presents for her xmas and birthday

-weekend away for her 30th I don't think it's like for like and I don't expect the same back but I'm a little bit annoyed. Aibu?

OK, think me and [other friend] will just book a twin room then if you're not up for the hotel room. Guess you can still meet us there to get ready? Bit of a shame actually, I was really looking forward to spending a bit of time with you and making a weekend of it - the rest of the night it is going to be pretty cheap considering I'm putting on the food and drinks. Your taxi home is probably going to be nearly the price of the hotel!

A friend tells you that they'd rather not pay for the hotel (in other words, they probably have a hard time justifying that type of money) and your response is a passive aggressive emotional guilt trip?!
Wow. How lovely.
If it was me organising the party, and a hotel room "to get ready in and breakfast without kids the next morning (as let's face it, that does sound great!) if a friend turned round and said they didn't want to do the hotel bit I'd be "oh, OK, no worries. Shall we meet you in Bar Such and Such instead?
Not guilt trip them into having to do a hotel room too!

OP
^Okay, I take everyone's point. I think I was jut upset. I'm going to send a message which essentially says
"Absolutely no problem, looking forward to having a lovely night with you"^

That's the perfect response, I'm glad you didn't go for any of the passive aggressive shite some suggested. . Fair play for taking on board posters opinions on this. Hope you have a lovely birthday.

I don’t think you are necessarily being unreasonable, but just having two houses doesn’t make you well off, it could actually be the opposite as they have 2 sets of costs!

As for the hotel, as others have said, whether it is expensive depends where it is and when. Yes, you may be able to get something cheaper, but will it be as convenient, nice, provide breakfast etc?

I meet my uni friends for a night away in the run up to xmas. We normally go to a town which is more or less midway between us, but it is very touristy and busy, even in December.

This year I was doing the booking in mid-Sept, for early Dec, and the hotels were selling out as fast as I was messaging the others about cost. All premier inn type hotels were fully booked even then. In the end we got 2 twins, paying £80 each, £160 per room. All of us are reasonably well off professionals in 50s, so not a problem but still not cheap. However, worth it as we like the town, lots of restaurant choices and we wanted to be within walking distance. We could have got cheaper out of town, but it is nice to be able to walk in, for shopping and then again for dinner.

Perhaps message your friend and ask her if she can suggest an alternative. As others have said, with Christmas she may just not have the money, or maybe she has limited access to funds if she is a SAHM.

But I must say, from experience being almost twice your age, there will always be friends who you go the extra mile for, and they don't seem to value the friendship in the same way. If the friendship is worth it, and given the longevity it probably is, then maybe modify your behavior somewhat in the future?

The list of everything you have "organised" for her - surely you mean you have attended these events?

You didn't organise her engagement party and wedding???

Only on MN.You have been a good friend to her,maybe step back a tad.I know you didnt list what you did for her to be a show off.You just wanted people to see,in fact you are a good friend.

I understand she has kids and is a sahm.Im the same but theres no way id hijack my friends birthday by moaning.All she had to say im sorry i cant stay in teh hotel.But really looking forward to our drinks and food.

Unless of course she was hoping the op would pay for the hotel.

all she wants is one night and breakfast in a fancy hotel bonding with her best girlfriends for £70 pounds each to celebrate her 30th birthday. That's really not too much to ask.

I'd pay anything if it meant not sharing a hotel room with three other women. I honestly can't think of anything much worse than having to try and share a bathroom with three other people, having to share a bed with someone, not being able to put the tv on because someone else wants absolute silence to sleep, trying to deal with who gets the doona when sharing with someone you don't usually share with.

It honestly sounds like my absolute personal version of hell. I don't care what it costs, I'm not sharing my hotel room!

"Only on Mumsnet"

Yep. The impression I get from this site is that a lot of people have acquaintances, rather than friends.

It just seems to the friendship is all one sided.The op goes out of her way,but because the friend has kids.Its seen as a get out of jail card.

I think that sounds like an expensive hotel - £210 for one room with 2 double beds.

I think people.are missing the point by focusing on the price of the hotel room which the OP pointed was nice and included breakfast for 3. The OP is miffed all the events she arranged and attended over the years yet the friend is saying she is 'not paying that' when on surface doesn't seem to have to have any financial hardship. It reminds me of that episode in Sex and the City when Carrie's shoes are stolen from the child's party and the mother refuses to 'pay for Carrie's lifestyle choices'. It's difficult to start listing costs without coming across as petty and poi t scoring perhaps a jokey reminder 'hey it was cheaper than your surprise 21st or your wedding' Perhaps as someone up thread has posted 'such a shame you won't be joining us but I have had a rough year and this is a one off, if you do find somewhere cheaper it'll be great to see you.'

"Only on Mumsnet"

Yep. The impression I get from this site is that a lot of people have acquaintances, rather than friends.

it depends how you see it. When any of my friends arrange something, they take care of the accommodation and don't expect me to pay for them. If you organise something together, then we share the cost. Only on MN do I see people having grand plans and telling others they have to pay for them!

I'd say she doesn't want to share a bed. And if it is this, I don't bame her.

Your friendship is definitely one sided. It looks like you have spent a lot of money on her on the past. If she can't be bothered to spend money on one night out special to you, she's not worth it.

I see the birthday moaners are also out in force. If you don't celebrate your own birthday, that's your own decision. What makes you think you have any right to judge those disparingly who do?

Only on MN.

Nonsense. You realise that MN made up of real people and thus their experiences happen in real life?

• mostly. Bridge dwellers excepted.

coddiwomple - so every one of your friends has paid for your accommodation and that of every other guest at their wedding and their hen night? Wow! You must move in quite wealthy circles!

we are not talking about weddings here. When I am invited to birthdays, christenings, or various parties, yes, friends take care of accomodation, in their own home, at other friends, in a rented house for the weekends etc... If I invite someone to a party, they have a bed arranged! (they are free to decline the offer and pay for something different obviously).

I have been offered accomodation for weddings too, but strangely enough not by the wealthiest people. It says it all..

Coddi - I didn't mean that snippily! I do know some people move in circles where expectations are different. (FWIW, I funded 3 nights of accommodation, all food and all booze for every non-local guest at my wedding - not posh, just wanted to do it. I put people up in a Landmark Trust style place which wasn't cheap). However, I don't routinely expect my friends to return that favour. DH and I could do it, many others can't! I paid £1500 in total when you include presents, hen night, outfits, accommodation etc. to be maid of honour at my best friend's wedding in the summer!

I don't think I've ever received an invitation for a birthday party without some accomodation provided. (again, free to refuse). The last big party (big birthday) we went to, boys were camping in the garden, girls had a bed in the house - girls (or women) free to sleep in the garden too.

I do prefer a hotel room with my family, but it wasn't expected of any of us to spend any money on accomodation.

The friend doesn't have to stay in the hotel.But you would think all the things op did for her.Once just once she could put her miserly ways behind her.For just 1 night.

Totally - you're only 30 once!

I name changed but it is me (the original poster)
I'm astounded at some of your replies.
Yes. £210 is a lot of money for a hotel room. I get that. What I'm pissed off about is that she has offered no alternative. She is expecting me to change to a cheaper hotel and frankly, I don't want to.
Someone mocked me further down by saying something like "I bet the other poster didn't plan the wedding!"
Well, actually. I kind of did. I was available 24/7 for her. I planned her hen, I planned her baby showers.
When she was having the shittest time ever in Australia and had three children under 3, I put the flight on a credit card and flew out to help her because SHE IS MY FRIEND and all I'm asking for is a tiny little bit of meeting me in the middle.
Another poster so beautifully said that it's like that episode of sex and the city with Carrie and the shoes. That's literally how I feel.
Yes, I've chosen to have a party and no she should not have to pay £70 for my 'lifestyle choices' but I've paid £1000s for hers because that what friends do so why are my lifestyle choices any less valid than hers??
Mic drop
I feel like many of you have lost the plot.

'Mic drop'

Yes well op for all those very kind deeds you sound hard work. Maybe she just cba.

What I'm pissed off about is that she has offered no alternative. She is expecting me to change to a cheaper hotel and frankly, I don't want to

You don't want to change to a cheaper hotel, and that's fine, it's your birthday. You're entitled to your hotel and the night you want.
She hasn't said she's not coming on your actual birthday night out though, has she?
If friend can't or doesn't want to get ready in the hotel with you though then surely you say "sorry you can't make it to the getting ready bit, shall we meet you at Bar So and So instead? "
You want to get ready in a hotel. Of your choosing. Which is fine. She doesn't. So she either comes and gets ready with you, or meets you there.
It's quite simple really. Instead of trying to change each others plans, sounds like the perfect solution to me!
After all, the big birthday party is the main event.

Just realised I've put "meet in Bar So and So" instead" as in night out with friends mode but it's actually a birthday party.
Swap Bar So and So for "see you at the party if you can't make the getting dressed together" bit.

Fwiw, as i said about 200 posts back I replied saying "absolutely no problem, looking forward to having a lovely night with you"

I'm Just ranting. 😂😂
Also, I don't know why it said mic drop, I had to copy and paste!