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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend should pay for hotel?

194 replies

Misspollyhadadolly88 · 18/10/2017 08:59

So, I have two best friends, one whom I've been friends with for 20 years and one who I've been friends with for 10 years. Both get on really well. They're both married and have children. I'm going to be 30 early next year and I've decided to have a big birthday party. I've had a really
Difficult year and I'm really excited to have something to focus on.
Friend of ten years contacted me and friend of twenty years and suggested that the three of us book a hotel to get ready in together and go back to after the party (both husbands have said they will stay home
With children!)
We were all in agreement. Friend of ten years has found a lovely hotel which would work out at £70 each including breakfast for the night. It's a room with two double beds.
Friend of 20 years sent me a text last night saying "£70 each!!! Can we not find something cheaper. I'm not paying heat babe!"
For some history. She constantly moans about money, wants everything cheaper and refuses to spend money on things. Husband has a great job and they own two houses. She's is sSAHM but has always been like this.
I just feel really
Disappointed. Over the years for her I've organised

  • surprise 21st
  • engagement party
  • hen
  • wedding (bridesmaid)
  • baby shower x2
  • bought first baby's cot!
  • presents for kids xmas and birthdays
  • was a princess at daughters birthday!
  • presents for her xmas and birthday
-weekend away for her 30th I don't think it's like for like and I don't expect the same back but I'm a little bit annoyed. Aibu?
OP posts:
GabsAlot · 18/10/2017 10:44

it is alot u can gt travlodge or PI cheaper even in london

diddl · 18/10/2017 10:45

Sorry, all I'm reading is £70 to share a bed.

No way thank you!

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 18/10/2017 10:46

When my kids were little and I wasn't in paid work there's no way I'd have paid £70 for a hotel room to prance around in before a party. Isn't the party the treat?

I'm an old curmudgeon.

Leeds2 · 18/10/2017 10:46

I would ask the friend to propose an alternative venue. You can then consider it and, if you don't like it, tell her so and ask whether she wants to stay with you and other friend in the £210 room, or somewhere cheaper by herself. Personally, I would not be sharing a room/bed with two friends and would happily pay extra to be by myself.

ButFirstTea · 18/10/2017 10:47

Where are all the people coming from who think you can't get a hotel room in London for cheaper than £210, that's absolute madness?? Of course you can, and cheaper than £70 too if you book in advance and know where to look etc etc. Airbnb can also be super cheap in the right areas.

PinkTiger · 18/10/2017 10:48

I hate when people make me spend a lot of money to celebrate their bday ... it’s like if I say no I seem awful but I didn’t even spend that much on my own bloody birthday.

Yeah but it's like that thing in Sex in the City - a single person inevitably spends lots of money on married friends ranging from engagement present/attendance at hen night/attendance at wedding/wedding present/christening gift/ gifts for children etc etc. and a lot of these can be very expensive when you factor in appropriate size of gift, travel, nights in hotels etc.

A single person gets nothing back in return that even comes close. That's not to say that friendship is a financial trading market where you pay £10, I pay £10 but the disparity is marked. The gulf in financial spending each way is huge.

It's not really that unfair to feel hurt that a married friend can't or isn't willing to spend £70 to celebrate a big birthday with you.

User843022 · 18/10/2017 10:49

Just don't stay over. Have the party and get a taxi home. Friends are more important than squabbling over £70 to stay the night. It's not worth it imo.

SoupDragon · 18/10/2017 10:49

all she wants is one night and breakfast in a fancy hotel bonding with her best girlfriends for £70 pounds each to celebrate her 30th birthday. That's really not too much to ask.

It's a hell of a lot to ask if you don't have £70 to fritter on a shared bed in a hotel room.

coddiwomple · 18/10/2017 10:52

all she wants is one night and breakfast in a fancy hotel bonding with her best girlfriends for £70 pounds each to celebrate her 30th birthday. That's really not too much to ask.

No, that's on top of the birthday party! read the OP

SoEverybodyDance · 18/10/2017 10:52

Not blackmail at all @LemonysSnicket if OP has spent lots of effort celebrating her friends special occasions (and it seems like she's been an amazing friend) she should just be honest about the way she feels. Sometimes people are a bit careless remembering what their friends do for them...

Talith · 18/10/2017 10:54

210/70 each for a shared room wouldn't appeal to me - you can get a Holiday Inn Express double room to yourself for around 70 in lots of parts of the UK (and they're really nice, generally).

You do sound like a good friend and so it's a pity you don't feel like she values the friendship to the same degree - but people are entitled to spend or not spend as they see fit. I'm not short of cash but I wouldn't pay over the odds for a shared hotel room. I hate sharing!

So I'm on the fence a bit - maybe her penny pinching is beginning to irritate you in general and this is the straw that broke the camels back - in which case think about scaling down the amount you spend on her, if the difference is getting on your nerves. I've done this before - buying elaborate presents for people who then end up ebaying them even! I'm all for giving without expectation of receiving but some people are stingy.

expatinscotland · 18/10/2017 10:55

Why do people expect others to fork out huge sums of money to celebrate their birthday? It's not just £70 (to share a bed), it's money for transport, money for at least one meal out and spotting the birthday celebrant theirs, drinks and drinks for the birthday person, etc etc etc. This would be a non-issue for me because we are low income, there's no way in hell I can afford that even for a 'big' birthday, but I wouldn't dream of asking my mates to spend that kind of money on me.

User843022 · 18/10/2017 11:02

'all she wants is one night and breakfast in a fancy hotel bonding with her best girlfriends for £70 pounds each to celebrate her 30th birthday. That's really not too much to ask.'
Fwiw I'd decline too if one of my friends suggested this. They'll be the night out to pay for, a present maybe the friend has childcare to pay for. A party is enough, 'bonding with her best girlfriends' Confused one of which she's happy to chuck under the bus because she won't fork out £70 for the pleasure of staying at a hotel?

AndrewJames · 18/10/2017 11:02

And isn't the hotel in the same town they live in? Which makes it all feel a bit pointless anyway.

Telstar99 · 18/10/2017 11:06

The OP and people agreeing with her, remind me of people who have a hen do, in Malta or Benidorm, and expect all the women to fork out £500-£600 plus, (plus spending money,) to celebrate with them!

What happened to just having a few drinks at the local pub with a bunch of friends?! Confused

Possumfish · 18/10/2017 11:22

As others have said 70 quid to share a hotel room for a night is rather high!!!! I'd be declining too! Plus the cost of a night out ...far too much to be spending!!!!

Sketchily · 18/10/2017 11:30

Not sure if everyone has read the OP. Re controlling husband suggestion, OP said she has ALWAYS been tight with money. Re OP being some kind of birthday nightmare, it's her other friend who suggested the hotel. Re suggestions that she's some kind of princess, OP has stated she's had a tough year and was really looking forward to this.

I get that for some people this is expensive for a hotel room, but the friend shouldn't be suggesting something cheaper, it's not up to her as it's not her birthday. She should just say, sorry I can't afford that but I'll get taxi home/stay somewhere cheaper. If I really couldn't afford it, there's no way I'd try and sabotage it for my friend. It sounds like for the OP it's part of the experience. For me, sometimes a Premier Inn is perfect, at others I want a bit of luxury for a special occasion, and that's fine.

OP it's perfectly reasonable to expect some reciprocation in relationships. As is often said on here, mean with money often means mean-spirited too. I'd just say to her, I'd love you to come but other friend and I have set our hearts on this hotel. But can't wait to see you at the party. And then don't organise everything for her in future, just do what feels reasonable and fair.

I'd just go with your generous-spirited friend.

SwimmingInLemonade · 18/10/2017 11:31

I can see why you're upset with her as you've been giving generously for all her events over the years. However, £70 to share a room between three of you is pretty expensive, unless it's a super-fancy hotel. And if it is a super-fancy hotel, it would be more fun to go there for a night away from it all, rather than just getting ready for a party and having breakfast!

Is there any reason why they can't all just get ready at yours, in the grand tradition of the big night out pre-party? Then you won't be paying for a hotel room you'll only be using for a couple of hours.

araiwa · 18/10/2017 11:32

Id make up some excuse to avoid the whole sharing a room/ bed thing too. Im not a student or poor backpacker any more. It sounds an unnecessary extravagance in your own town when your own bed is easily available

AndrewJames · 18/10/2017 11:33

Re controlling husband suggestion, OP said she has ALWAYS been tight with money
So maybe he has ALWAYS been controlling with money, and before him she just didn't have much. Or maybe she is just careful. Who knows?
Re OP being some kind of birthday nightmare, it's her other friend who suggested the hotel
And OP was happy and neither of them consulted the other friend, and are now annoyed she dares to have an opinion
Re suggestions that she's some kind of princess, OP has stated she's had a tough year and was really looking forward to this

Oh well if she's really looking forward to it, nobody elses feelings or budget matter then. Should have said.

Original poster
Misspollyhadadolly88 · 18/10/2017 11:36

Sorry, just out of work. For more context.
I'm not a princess at all. Haven't celebrated my birthday since 21st because of when it is. I'm not expecting a hen weekend! We live in London. Party is central London hence having a hotel to get ready in and go back to.
Should've also mentioned. This friend lived on the other side of the world for two years and I went to see her twice. She needed me and so I went.
I can reiterate enough, I don't expect like for like, it couldn't possibly be but I'm Single, I have no children and I've never asked her for anything and yet I've given a lot.
I guess what I'm asking is, how do I approach this?

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 18/10/2017 11:39

Not sure if everyone has read the OP

Yes.

I get that for some people this is expensive for a hotel room, but the friend shouldn't be suggesting something cheaper, it's not up to her as it's not her birthday. She should just say, sorry I can't afford that but I'll get taxi home/stay somewhere cheaper.

The OP would still be on here complaining about her.

Original poster
Misspollyhadadolly88 · 18/10/2017 11:39

Also, for people talking about extra cost there is food provided at party and I'd already told her that she won't have to pay for drinks as I'm putting a bar on.

OP posts:
2014newme · 18/10/2017 11:39

You don't approach it. She can't stay the night at the hotel. You can still invite her to get ready with you or you can see her at the party.

whiskyowl · 18/10/2017 11:42

You're a good friend. A really good friend, of the kind that most people would kill for when the chips are down.

To be honest, I think you need to ask yourself: is she really a good friend back? It sounds as though there is a pattern here of you giving quite a bit more than you receive back, and I don't just mean financially - but also in terms of support and care. Is that right?

If so, you might want to reevaluate a little.

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