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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friend should pay for hotel?

194 replies

Misspollyhadadolly88 · 18/10/2017 08:59

So, I have two best friends, one whom I've been friends with for 20 years and one who I've been friends with for 10 years. Both get on really well. They're both married and have children. I'm going to be 30 early next year and I've decided to have a big birthday party. I've had a really
Difficult year and I'm really excited to have something to focus on.
Friend of ten years contacted me and friend of twenty years and suggested that the three of us book a hotel to get ready in together and go back to after the party (both husbands have said they will stay home
With children!)
We were all in agreement. Friend of ten years has found a lovely hotel which would work out at £70 each including breakfast for the night. It's a room with two double beds.
Friend of 20 years sent me a text last night saying "£70 each!!! Can we not find something cheaper. I'm not paying heat babe!"
For some history. She constantly moans about money, wants everything cheaper and refuses to spend money on things. Husband has a great job and they own two houses. She's is sSAHM but has always been like this.
I just feel really
Disappointed. Over the years for her I've organised

  • surprise 21st
  • engagement party
  • hen
  • wedding (bridesmaid)
  • baby shower x2
  • bought first baby's cot!
  • presents for kids xmas and birthdays
  • was a princess at daughters birthday!
  • presents for her xmas and birthday
-weekend away for her 30th I don't think it's like for like and I don't expect the same back but I'm a little bit annoyed. Aibu?
OP posts:
Howsthings1234 · 18/10/2017 18:42

I’d be gutted too. I would be honest and say you know it’s not cheap but you don’t often do big celebrations/ parties and really wanted to feel special and have quality time with your besties before and after the party.

JaneEyre70 · 18/10/2017 18:54

After your update OP, I can totally get where you are coming from. I'd book it with your other friend and don't let it spoil your birthday celebrations.

KrytensNanobots · 18/10/2017 18:56

Also, I don't know why it said mic drop, I had to copy and paste!

The phrase "mic drop" randomly posts itself before copying and pasting something now?
Nice try OP Grin Grin

mtpaektu · 18/10/2017 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlondeB83 · 18/10/2017 19:11

£210 for a room for 3 in central London is cheap but I would challenge her to find something cheaper if she's not happy.

SoftDay · 18/10/2017 19:25

OP, I understand your hurt and frustration. You have given an awful lot to this friendship over the years, in time, money and emotional support. It's horrible to feel it is not reciprocated. You are more than entitled to have a night that is for you, where you might expect a friend for whom you have gone beyond the beyond on many occasions to show willing to put herself out for once. She is being fed and watered on the night - really, she is being asked to put her hand her pocket for very little relatively speaking, and in a context where you have been a lifelong, extraordinarily supportive friend.

It is shite, OP. Unfortunately, this comes with the territory of dealing with the perenially tight-fisted. It is always ultimately about saving the few bob, dodging all but the most necessary of expenditure and salivating over the account books. Of course, these types have zero qualms about taking from others, as this friend has shown. She probably thinks you're a soft eejit!

Your response was very gracious and kind, OP. I hope you have a great night. I'd keep in mind that this friend might well have notions of your saying at some point in the night, "Sure stay with us in the hotel anyway; I'll cover your share." Resist at all costs! The tight-fisted among us rely on this type of generosity from others to allow them keep their hands firmly in their pockets. Have a ball, OP!

AuntyElle · 18/10/2017 19:46

I've been in similar friendships, and the SATC reference is spot on.
OP, I know you've already said to her that it's "absolutely fine" - rise above and all that. But it's actually not 'absolutely fine', is it? I think it would be a good idea, at some point, to tell her that you were hurt, as this was a big deal for you, after a shitty year. Keep it low key, don't throw in a list of what you've done for her. Then you're not being pass-agg, but you are being truthful. Otherwise your resentment will tend to increase, and she may be oblivious to how her behaviour affects you.
(Alternatively she may also be absolutely shameless and have been angling for you to say you'd pay for her share?)
Longterm, you need to take a step back. You do sound way more invested than her, and the realisation of that hurts. The thing is that people don't generally say, "No, don't do all this for me/spend this much" realising they they cannot or are not willing to reciprocate. They tend to just accept whatever is given. And then you end up with an imbalance which becomes a pattern. It's about emotional investment as much or more than it's about money.

KeepItAsItIs · 18/10/2017 19:50

If there is one thing I really hate, it's friends assuming they know everything about my finances, spending my money for me, then getting arsey when I say I can't afford it. In fact I ditched a group for this very thing as it got so weary feeling like I had to justify myself all the time and that I didn't want to be constantly frittering money away that they had decided we were going to spend as a group.

YABU.

SilverSpot · 18/10/2017 19:57

@KeepItAsItIs if you best friend had spent literally thousands coming to see you in Australia because you were having a shit time and needed them... would you REALLY begrudge spending £70 on a hotel for their 30th birthday party?

If so - glad I'm not your best friend.

SilverSpot · 18/10/2017 20:04

And for everyone who thinks sharing a room/bathroom/bed is their worst nightmare and would never do to - presumably these three friends know they are all on the same page about liking that.

I know which of my friends enjoy sharing rooms and who will share a bed and who hates it.

AndrewJames · 18/10/2017 20:15

if you best friend had spent literally thousands coming to see you in Australia because you were having a shit time and needed them

I don't believe anyone spends thousands going to Australia unless they want a holiday in Australia. I'd be morto if they were pretending it was solely to come and see poor old me!

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/10/2017 20:27

Don't be a mug op - ask her how she plans on getting home that night.
Will she be pre-booking a taxi for a certain time?

Otherwise i bet she'll be 'too drunk/lost track of time' and she'll come back with you to the hotel....you know seeing as you have 'room' ' all Hmm

Honestly though, your friendship sounds very one-sided.
If that were my friend i'd be feeling extremely let down.
She's basically saying you're not worth making the effort for.

mummymummums · 18/10/2017 20:32

I think you have to let the hotel go. BUT you must pull back on everything you do for her. You sound like a great friend but you seem to have spent heaps on helping her and her family, and she's not seeing the unfairness of putting herself out for your birthday. You need to stop all this. Stay friends but be aware that it shouldn't all be one way.

Mammylamb · 18/10/2017 21:10

I understand that you are upset. But she could be keeping to a budget. Not everyone likes to spend everything they earn (and being a family with only one earner and 2 children would perhaps mean she needs to keep to a budget).

GabsAlot · 19/10/2017 09:45

stop bing a martyr-you went to oz to have a holiday and see your friend

noone would do that just to help someeone out

AndrewJames · 19/10/2017 14:22

She's basically saying you're not worth making the effort for

No she isn't.

do people actually measure friendship by how much people spend on doing things for/with them? How odd.

Dutch1e · 19/10/2017 15:39

I know you've replied to her already, just wanted to add this in case the two of you chat about it again...

She said "can we not find something cheaper?" Perhaps she's quite willing to find somewhere equally nice that is more affordable? Some people are really good at that stuff - she got herself to NZ so maybe she has a good nose for travel & accommodation

yoyoyoyoyo · 19/10/2017 16:07

I would not be able to share a bed. It would be pushing it to share a room tbh.
Maybe it is that? Or maybe she isn’t quite the friend you thought she was. You have done a lot for her. Loads. Think back. Has she done the same?

KeepItAsItIs · 19/10/2017 17:03

"KeepItAsItIs if you best friend had spent literally thousands coming to see you in Australia because you were having a shit time and needed them... would you REALLY begrudge spending £70 on a hotel for their 30th birthday party?

If so - glad I'm not your best friend."

Glad you're not mine. Someone flying halfway around the world to support me does not mean I could magic up £70 to get dressed in a hotel room and share a bed.

carefreeeee · 19/10/2017 17:09

Get an air bnb for £70 between you

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 19/10/2017 17:26

YABU. For 20 years you're known her to be a bit "careful " with money but made an arrangement that involves spending quite a bit (doesn't matter if it's a fair price for an hotel room it's still £70 each to share a room before you even start the celebrations) without asking her. I get that you're disappointed but it's not your place to choose how much money she spends on what. Her inability or unwillingness to fork out what she sees as a large sum is not an indicator that she doesn't value your friendship. You didn't take her into account when making your plans. I'm sorry you've had a shitty time and I hope you have a great party

Mill46 · 19/10/2017 18:02

It's obvs not her priority and you ha e to make of that what you will . If it were my friend I would be very disappointed. Despite those who say it isn't - money is a metaphor for lack of generosity of spirit . Doesn't really get you anywhere though as you might have concluded before now that she's only interested in herself .

jayne1976 · 19/10/2017 18:30

Tough -maybe a please can you make it, it wouldn't be the same without you and after we went to x for your birthday (that I paid for) I wanted to do something similar for mine.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 19/10/2017 18:53

Also, I spent a lot more on my friends before I had kids.

Jasmin82 · 19/10/2017 19:11

Gabsalot Not quite as far, but I dropped everything and drove for over 12 hours to help out a friend when they needed someone to be there for them.
So, yes, people do actually do that kind of thing for their friends. Some people wouldn't but others will.

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