To leave my DD1 (aged 8, year 4, while I chauffeur DD2 to Rainbows?

[Mittens1969]

A bit of background. I take both DDs in the car when it’s time for DD2 (5) to go to Rainbows. DD1 has said a few times that she’d like to stay at home whilst I take DD2 in the car. WIBU to leave her at home? I’m out of the house for 15/20 minutes at the most.

I haven’t done it yet, but I’m wondering if she’s old enough to be left at home alone if she hasn’t finished her tea or is watching a TV programme that she doesn’t want to miss?

I suppose it’s more of a WWYD, for those of you who have a child of a similar age?

I did this in y4 for my son (he was nearly nine if I remember correctly). He had a phone and would text me.
I also text him from the other end so he knew I was on the way home.
I also locked the door and have gave him a key with strict instructions around answering the door/using kitchen etc.
I don’t think I’d have done it if we lived in a city area whereas a small village community I felt he was ready.

The key things here are - is she happy to do it, do you have safeguards in place (phone to use, somewhere she can go if she isn’t happy), do you trust her, do you live in a fairly safe area? If you are happy to do it, then do it.

Every kid is different at this age - I won’t ever leave my ds2 - he will ski down the stairs!! Ds1 is a sensible lad hence I trusted him.

He is now in y5 and goes off a lot on his own and I’ll leave him happily for an hour or so at a time (he also comes home from school on his own twice a week when I get home at 4) - again all things he has been happy to do, once he wasn’t happy and we changed it.

I left 8yo (Y4) DD at home for 10 mins last week while she got changed for Brownies and I picked up DS from the childminders around the corner. She was absolutely fine and we got to Brownies on time. She's sensible and does as she's told, on the whole.

She also goes to the postbox down the road for me too. I think small amounts of independence in a relatively low risk environment are a good way of building her confidence. She knows the rules and follows them. I hope to build up the time we can leave her at home for slowly and gradually (rather than not leaving her at home at all, then leaving her for ages as a teenager)

Blooming heck there are a lot of very very protective parents on this thread. DS had ASD and ADHD and is quite anxious so was (in my mind) late to ask for independence but he was happy to be left for 5-10mins if I popped to the loacl shop from late in year 4 onwards. He didn't stay alone for longer than that though until he went to primary school at 11 years old. During the first term of secondary I shortened my work hours for a bit as a transition arrangment) but after that he then came back to an empty house for 2 hours, 3 times week and still does this now.

Nowadays at just about to turn 13 next month, he happily stays at home on his own for 4-5 hours during the day only though. He also cookes dinner once a week fr DH and me If it is evening/night we get a babysitter as he in't comfortable with this yet.

I took my cue from him. If he was happy to be left alone/do things on his own, I chose something I thought was appropriate. However I was always aare that he would need to be happy being home alone 3 times a week for 1-2 hours after school when he started secondary school (i.e by 11 years old) so I encouraged him to become gradually more independent in tiny steps from the age of about 9 onwards.

taughtbyfinland.com/finland-where-the-helicopter-parent-is-an-unknown-species/

8 year olds can be much more capable than you think - the child in this example isn't an exception over here.

The problem is I expect in finland they wouldn’t have social services k coming on the door of a child was injured while Home alone, eg in the article the little girl makes herself a fried egg, if she burnt herself with the oil would her parents get in trouble?? In the UK they would, it’s that cultural difference that means parents won’t take the risk of something happening and then getting into trouble or even kids taken away.
I don’t think a lot of parents think their kids aren’t capable just more that it’s not the done thing so they don’t want to take the risk.

I live in Germany and quite enjoy watching people's jaws hit the floor when I tell them parents in England think leaving an 8 year old home alone for half an hour, or letting them walk to school without an adult, is controversial.

I live in Italy and some cities now say that children have to be OVER 14 to go anywhere on their own.

Isn't that weird allegretto ! I could drive to Italy in 3 hours from here, how strange that the attitude is so different!

Though I must say we've holidayed in Northern Italy South Tyrol) a lot as it's so close and there were unaccompanied children running about just like in Germany... Perhaps north and south are different...

8 year olds can be much more capable than you think

They can also be a lot less capable than you think.

I've only just started leaving ds for similar things and he's 10. I don't think I'm over protective really but he wouldn't have willingly stayed alone before then. I think if he'd been willing maybe at 10 rather than 10.5 but not 8. I have a 7 year old and the idea of leaving her alone in the next year or so makes me come out in a cold sweat!

Very interesting discussion, that’s for sure. I’m asking here as I think I could work towards being able to leave DD1 for 15 minutes whilst I do quick errands. We would need to practice runs, like me going out for 5 minutes for example. And I need to make sure that she’s capable of calling my mobile number, which I think she is.

My DH is likely to be quite reluctant, I think, he’s very protective.

Incidentally ds has been walking to school alone since he turned 9 and they've both played out in the street alone from 6/7 (with my keeping window open etc)

if she burnt herself with the oil would her parents get in trouble?? In the UK they would

No, no they wouldn't, kids are free to fry themselves an egg.

8 doesn't seem terrifyingly young to me. At that age I let my eldest walk to Brownies by herself - I could see her walk most of the way as it was so close to our house mind you.

I've certainly been leaving the older 2 home alone together since the middle one was about 9. Only for quick trips like popping out to the shops. Their 7 year old sibling is constantly asking to be left with them but she doesn't feel ready yet.

I guess you ask yourself, are they likely to do anything stupid while you're gone like play with knives or matches, or let a stranger into the house? Can they get hold of you if they need you? Are they happy to be left alone? If you can answer those questions satisfactorily then I don't see why not.

Mittens that's where children are vastly more capable than a lot of British parents acknowledge. Even my 6 year old can phone my mobile, let himself in with a key etc. I made sure my kids could do all that sort of thing before they started school just in case they ever got home before anyone else, and as part of just generally learning stuff that's useful for life, and that all their peers here can do.

sirfredfredgeorge

Yes they are free to fry an egg, my kids do BUT if they were home alone and got burnt while frying an egg social services would be at the door demanding to know why an 8 year old was left alone and you could be charged with neglect and accused of putting that child at risk.

Its not only thing but its certainly one of the steps children need to tranistion succesfully into adulthood.

I agree. But not at 8 years old. Completely unnecessary.

The problem is I expect in finland they wouldn’t have social services k coming on the door of a child was injured while Home alone, eg in the article the little girl makes herself a fried egg, if she burnt herself with the oil would her parents get in trouble??

Social services here would investigate if a child was injured while home alone but if there were no reasons for it to be unsafe for that particular child (so learning disabilities, previous issues when left alone or something like that) then I doubt they'd class it as neglect.
So it's the fear of SS involvement more than fear of actual problems driving the overprotectiveness? That's sad but I understand it, glad my local SS are fine with this kind of thing (I've discussed DD walking home alone and coming to an empty house with them)

The chances of an accident happening in OP's situation are slim though, her child is going to be cooking dinner!

Bloody hell, this thread...
Mine was going to the corner shop on his own at 8, walk home from school on his own at 9 (year 5 though), and I leave him for 15 a couple of times a week.

Maybe 8 is a tiny bit young, but depends on the child

I hope you enjoy your 30 year old children still living at home

Don't be so daft!

NSPCC guidelines are for around the age of 12 or how you feel they would cope. Not leaving them doesn't mean they will still be at home at 30, was a ridiculous notion.

Similarly, if any did happen, while it may be deemed unlikely, then the parents won't be treated too favourably for leaving their child.

My friend didn't start leaving her child until she was 13/14 and that's because my friend suffers from quite severe epilepsy. She didn't want to be out of the house, have a fit and leave an 8 year old at home wondering where she is.

She waited until her daughter was of an age where she could pop out and her daughter knew if she didn't come home at a certain time and didn't answer her mobile, then she had to follow the emergency plan in place.

Don't make yourself look silly by thinking everyone is Molly coddling their children for fun and then try and call them out on it!

I'm shocked at the number of 11 year olds only just being left for 10 mins or so.
Here at age 11 the children go on to secondary school taking a public transport as our nearest 2 schools are bith a few miles away. They manage just fine.
Children need to be given the chance to learn how to deal with day to day life independently. To me a little independence at 8 in a relatively safe environment and for a relatively short time is a very sensible approach.

Plus where we love plays a huge factor. I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving DS to pop to the shops, as that popping can take anything upto 45 minutes as we don't have one within walking distance. We have 4 neighbours, a pub and post office and then a 30 minute walk to the nearest newsagent.

We build his independence in many different ways, not necessarily by making him stay at home alone.

Britt I don't think there is any making the child stay home alone going on - the op's child is requesting (frequently) to be allowed to stay home and not to be made to go with her mother to drive her sister to her social activities.

My decision if/whether to leave my dc alone is completely un influenced by whether I could " get into trouble"
Its based purely on whether I feel comfortable with the situation ( and if they do too)