To leave my DD1 (aged 8, year 4, while I chauffeur DD2 to Rainbows?

[Mittens1969]

A bit of background. I take both DDs in the car when it’s time for DD2 (5) to go to Rainbows. DD1 has said a few times that she’d like to stay at home whilst I take DD2 in the car. WIBU to leave her at home? I’m out of the house for 15/20 minutes at the most.

I haven’t done it yet, but I’m wondering if she’s old enough to be left at home alone if she hasn’t finished her tea or is watching a TV programme that she doesn’t want to miss?

I suppose it’s more of a WWYD, for those of you who have a child of a similar age?

I would and do. Dd very sensible and we have numerous lovely neighbours. She would much rather watch the next step at home than get in and out of the car while I take older sister to things. What exactly is the risk?

The car accident thing is so remote plus dh always back within an hour or two so she wouldn't be left for long in the extremely unlikely scenario I was taken out by an articulated lorry in our 20 miles an hour speed limit suburb.

It’s not actually a 20 minute car journey, it’s 5 minutes there and 5 minutes back but it usually takes another 5 minutes parking and taking DD2 into Rainbows. It can be done in 15 minutes but I need to allow for 20 minutes.

It’s not actually a 20 minute car journey, it’s 5 minutes there and 5 minutes back but it usually takes another 5 minutes parking and taking DD2 into Rainbows. It can be done in 15 minutes but I need to allow for 20 minutes.

Sorry, I don’t know what happened there! And similar to you, Kerala, my DH is always back about half an hour later.

Also the ‘as long as they know what to do in an emergency’ thing is a proper bugbear of mine.

An 8 year old child should never be put in a situation that would require them to deal with an emergency.

I remember going into a meeting with a senior American lawyer, before we went in she whispered to me "I am going to say stuff, don't feel you have to back me up it'll be career limiting for you". She let rip and told all the partners what they already knew about sexism in their firm. No female partners, the sexist comments, all detailed. They were terrified. The next day she handed in her notice - had new job as senior counsel at one of their clients so they all had to creep round her as she decided which law firms got the work.

Nothing changed though.

Sorry wrong thread!

I started doing this at about 8 and a half. It was the right time for us.
It's up to you as a parent but I personally think children do very well from having a little bit of inderpendence and trust at around that age.

8 is too young IMO.

Ds1 is 9.5 and we've just started doing this for up to 25 mins ish.

I started leaving my DD (now 9) when she was 8 and in year 4. We started building up to it first though. Initially I left her for 5 minutes while I popped to the shop and then we built it up from there. I leave her for around half an hour now and she doesn't move from her book while I'm gone.
Before I leave her I always remind her of the rules and what to do if she is worried and we haven't had any problems and she enjoys having the quiet house to herself for a bit.

Though these things should always depend on the child and whether you think your DD would be ok. But I think as long as your DD is sensible and can be trusted you could build up to leaving her and see how it goes.

Interesting what is perceived as dangerous. I agree with pp about risk in the house vs risk of injury in car accident. Surely safe at home is better.
I think playing out some kids as young as 4 would be more risky.
Sleepovers at friends houses.

It depends so much on the child. If your child is sensible then they are probably at more risk with other people.

Apart from fire (which could even happen when you are asleep and you not wake up). There isnt much difference in what they might be doing if they get up in the night/earlier than you in the mornings.

It's up to you as a parent but I personally think children do very well from having a little bit of inderpendence and trust at around that age.

My child has that little bit of independence and buckets full of trust. She doesn’t need to be left home alone to have that!

Why do so many people mistake being left alone for being independent

i leave my granddaughter 8 while i go to the shops, can see the shop from my house, i could leave her on her laptop at 8 in the morning uptil 8 at night and she wouldn't move not that i have. I left my 11yr old son (years ago) for a couple of hours on his own came back to the fire engine outside my house the disk washer had caught fire not only did he ring 999 but put the fire out with a fire extinguisher we had ,the fire brigade gave him a toy for being so good

I don't think I'd be brave enough when DD is 8.

Could you stay on the phone with her the whole time whilst you are driving?

That would make me more comfortable.

round here the vast majority of people start leaving their children home alone for small periods of time from nine onwards, the age they start middle school. They all walk to and from middle school, often a 40 minute round trip walk on their own, so being home alone is probably safer! From about nine onwards is fine assuming the child has no SEN.

I would, I did and now she's 9. She's been going to the shop for milk for me as well since she was 8. We underestimate our children. My daughter knows what to do in an emergency, she knows how to get out of the house, how to use the telephone, where there are adults she knows she can get help from. Most 8 year olds are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves for 20 minutes and she probably won't have moved from where you left her. She would far rather stay at home with her nose in a book than traipse around a supermarket with me.

so many people mistake being left alone for being independent

Its not only thing but its certainly one of the steps children need to tranistion succesfully into adulthood. As with everything, they are small steps which gradually built upon. Seeking opportunities for children to gradually increase their independence. So they grow into functioning adults who can think for themselves. Thats not a mistake, but actually carefully thought out. Some children are ready for it at different stages, as are their parents!

I have done several times. I feel sick all the way there and back (15 min round trip) and he's never moved off the sofa. You just have to weigh up the risks.

This is an interesting article about our perceptions about leaving children alone.

I think if you are confident your dd1 can contact you in the event of problems, and she feels ok about doing it, it should be fine. If it's only a five min drive, it seems unlikely you would get stuck in traffic and I presume you know how likely this is. If you did have a minor accident, presumably you could phone for someone to go to her or even walk home?

Could you stay on the phone with her the whole time whilst you are driving?

That would make me more comfortable.

It would also be dangerous and distracting.

I would. Independence needs building, kids don't turn 11 or start secondary school and become sensible overnight.

If she's asking to then she's likely ready. Does she know what to do in an emergency? Is there a phone (landline or a mobile she can access) that she can use to call you if something goes wrong and you can call her on if you get delayed?

It does make me smile a little when people say a blanket statement like 8 is too young or something like that - its not necessarily so. When school started this year a national newspaper in my country had an article with 'guidelines' for first graders (7 years old) being home alone, saying no more than an hour or an hour and a half, so 15-20 minutes at 8 years old is a complete non-issue!
My 6 year old (6.5 when school started) is home alone two days a week after school for about half an hour, sometimes a bit longer - she lets herself in, has a snack and watches cartoons. Sometimes she brings a friend round and they play outside until I get home.

Children can manage a lot more than we expect, we just have to give them the opportunity.

My DC are 5 so we're not at that stage yet, but it would entirely depend on both their level of maturity and their personalities (I.e. Are they the type to try and climb to find birthday gifts on top of a wardrobe? Or would they be satisfied/engaged watching a TV show for those 20 minutes?)

I remember as a child, I would talk to a friend or a cousin on the phone for the entirely length of time I was left alone for the first couple of months. After that, my parents or whoever was in charge of me would call when they were on their way back and tell me who I should call if they were longer than 15-20 minutes. I had to do it a few times (traffic, roadworks, unexpected delays) but once was because my dad had a heart attack while driving. But I knew what to do, called my older sister and she came over and it was all fine. I understand that it potentially could have been a horrible situation, but we always had a plan in place.

I don't think staying on the phone to them is a sensible idea at all. In fact it goes completely against what you're trying to achieve.
The point of leaving them alone for a little while is sending the message to them 'I trust you to do this' thus helping independence and confidence.
If you stay on the phone the whole time checking up on them, you're achieving the exact opposite.