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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choose family wedding over my child's communion.

325 replies

miaows · 16/10/2017 15:40

My youngest is making her communion next year. Just found out a close family member has booked her wedding the same day. Would I BU to go to the wedding and have her Dad do the communion. We are separated so we were planning on having parties on different days. I can have her party for my side when I come back on the following weekend. I talked to her about it and she's seems ok with this. All my family will probably go to the wedding. It is abroad as she lives there. I will be gone for the whole weekend. I just have this niggling guilt because I won't be there for her special day.

OP posts:
ZanyMobster · 16/10/2017 16:30

YANBU, her dad will be there and you say you have spoken to her and she's ok with it. I think it would be a shame to miss your close family member's wedding.

jenm87 · 16/10/2017 16:32

if it was me in that situation my family would not go to the wedding, i have a big family brothers/sisters and we are all really close, they would make sure my child came first, especially if the date for the communion had been arranged first aswell. the communion is only one day i would want to be there religious or not, the family member could divorce and have another 3 weddings further down the line your daughter will only have one communion. when i was younger and did my communion i loved having everyone around me and getting pics taken with family etc, if you and the dad are on good terms then why can you not go to the party hes having? (obviously only a suggestion) my dad is not catholic but was there for me and if he wasnt i probably would have been upset on the actual day even if it had been arranged that he wasnt going as you never get the chance to do it again.

Original poster
miaows · 16/10/2017 16:32

No her communion is decided by the school she wants to make it with her friends. The date is set is stone.

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 16/10/2017 16:34

The day of her communion is special to her- your devaluing it into an hour to justify you not wanting to be there. The relative may be like a sister but this is your daughter this day happens once- the party is a bonus it has no significance. Its a shame you dont want to share her joy on the actual day and see the service.

MatildaTheCat · 16/10/2017 16:36

I'd go to the wedding. Her father is the one who wants the communion and is organising the event so it will be special.

My own dc were very underwhelmed by the whole thing.

Original poster
miaows · 16/10/2017 16:36

Jenm87 - we are a very close family and this family member is very important to us all. This wedding is a huge deal especially with a few recent deaths in the family. It will be a weekend affair. My dds communion only parents grandparents allowed in the church and party afterwards in my house. I would not expect my family to not go to this wedding over a communion party only.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 16/10/2017 16:36

Most communion dates are picked by the church. You can't change them.

Your DD will have her big day with her dad and his Catholic family and her party and have a lovely day. And your ex will have a lovely day with her doing something that is important to him and his family. Then th following weekend she gets to do it all again without th boring church bit. She isn't bothered is she?

Yes I'm sure you will feel guilty - comes with being a parent anyway I find. But I don't think you should. If she really isn't bothered by you missing the actual ceremony then go to the wedding. And do a fab party for her the next weekend with your side.

CardinalCat · 16/10/2017 16:37

What does your daughter say? She is presumably 9 or 10, why not talk to her and ask if she would be just as happy to have a lovely time with her just her dad (I presume its his side of the family who are RC)or would she like you to be there too? (and if so, you go to the communion, no question.)

grannytomine · 16/10/2017 16:38

OP how would you feel if there wasn't a wedding to go to and your ex said you couldn't attend the Communion as it was his religion and something for him to do with her. I think if that would upset you then it should tell you something.

Nikephorus · 16/10/2017 16:40

realistically if we all prioritised our children all of the time none of us would work, or have a social life, or a bath in peace.
Holy Communion is a one-off deal. It's a tad different to taking a bath! And it's not just about having a party (or two parties), it's about the ceremony. Personally I think it's crappy parenting not putting your child first for something like this. But I'm guessing OP is looking forward to the wedding alcohol.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 16/10/2017 16:40

What happens if a bit nearer the time she decides she does want you there? Are you prepared to deal with the fallout from that?

user1496321962 · 16/10/2017 16:41

Exactly!

Gretia · 16/10/2017 16:43

Don't you think it's creepy dressing little girls up like "brides" of God?

Ex catholic here but I just find FHC so creepy and wrong. I would refuse to let her make it and take her to the wedding!

Original poster
miaows · 16/10/2017 16:44

Trust me Nike...the communions I have had and have attended had more than there fair share of alcohol and drunk adults. If you really think I'm basing my decision on that well good luck to you.

OP posts:
Blackcatonthesofa · 16/10/2017 16:44

When I started reading I thought that you were totally crazy. Then I read that you are seperated and would have your party on a different day anyway and that your DC is fine with it. I'd go to the wedding in this case.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/10/2017 16:45

If the dcs father was going to a wedding on the day there would be no problem so it will be fine. The less fuss you make the better. Is her df capable of passing a lot of remarks about you to her? Will his family make remarks?

Etymology23 · 16/10/2017 16:45

The person getting married may get divorced, the child having their communion may lose their faith. There's no shortage of lapsed Catholics in the world!

I don't know what I would do - if you're sure your daughter doesn't mind then (not just saying she doesn't), then I'd go to the wedding I think but I'm not religious.

Original poster
miaows · 16/10/2017 16:46

Gretia- I do and I tried to stop it but too many people upset so for everyone to happy bar me Winkit's going ahead.

OP posts:
allegretto · 16/10/2017 16:46

Don't you think it's creepy dressing little girls up like "brides" of God?

A bit I suppose but most people just like the excuse for a pretty dress. Saying that, not everyone does this. In our church some are always in jeans or Brownie uniforms.

Rachie1973 · 16/10/2017 16:46

miaows Just go to the wedding and stop reading lol.

Have fun x

Original poster
miaows · 16/10/2017 16:47

June....good point I really don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if roles reversed.

OP posts:
Original poster
miaows · 16/10/2017 16:48

Rachie- thanks for your input and you right and I will. Going to bow out.

OP posts:
grannytomine · 16/10/2017 16:51

Not all churches have the fancy dressing up as brides for First Holy Communion. My DD made her First Holy Communion is a cotton summer dress, I know a school where the children all wear school uniform. The focus on the dress is forgetting what it is all about. To be honest with you the comments you have made about you daughter only being interested in the party would make me cancel the whole thing.

enceladus · 16/10/2017 16:51

It's not about whether you are religious or whether he is; this is what is happening, it is a big day for her with all her friends, you can ask a child does it matter if I will be there or not, but you can't be sure of the answer, she might not know that until the morning of the communion. She will want her mum to help her get ready, to be excited for her, to be there for her. I can't believe you would consider not being there with her. That is really crappy.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2017 16:51

It is very important she does her communion at the correct time if she is going to catholic secondary school, which are often oversubscribed.

I imagine your dd is 7 or 8. It is very young to leave her for the wedding. Have you discussed it with her? Are you friendly with your ex? Could you discuss it with him?

If she isn't too upset, I'd consider going. Perhaps you could set up a Skype session wishing her luck on the morning, give her a present or similar.