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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Choose family wedding over my child's communion.

325 replies

miaows · 16/10/2017 15:40

My youngest is making her communion next year. Just found out a close family member has booked her wedding the same day. Would I BU to go to the wedding and have her Dad do the communion. We are separated so we were planning on having parties on different days. I can have her party for my side when I come back on the following weekend. I talked to her about it and she's seems ok with this. All my family will probably go to the wedding. It is abroad as she lives there. I will be gone for the whole weekend. I just have this niggling guilt because I won't be there for her special day.

OP posts:

Original poster

miaows · 16/10/2017 16:14

Skar... yes he is and will. Why is this relevant to my predicament.

OP posts:

3luckystars · 16/10/2017 16:14

I agree.

Skarossinkplunger · 16/10/2017 16:14

I was just wondering if this was a commitment he intended to carry on.

mumblechum0 · 16/10/2017 16:15

I think you're doing the right thing Miaows. As you say, the religious thing is coming from her dad's side of the family and if they're going to be there to make a fuss of her, that's fine. Presumably she knows that you aren't religious, you could very easily not let her do the communion thing at all.

junglebookisthebest · 16/10/2017 16:15

Is this another one of those pointless threads?
You have made your mind up so what are you getting out of this?
Perhaps a better thread would have been - how can I make it up to my girl that I am missing her first holy communion for a family wedding?

Skarossinkplunger · 16/10/2017 16:15

Sorry posted too soon. Because if he wasn't then it's a futile exercise anyway.

PandorasXbox · 16/10/2017 16:15

Her dad will be there and she will get a party. There’ll be another party with her mum and other relatives. It’s a non issue OP.

Go to the wedding!

Original poster

miaows · 16/10/2017 16:16

March...for 1 hour though? I wouldn't be attending her dad's party or visa versa anyways. So this way he gets to spend full day with her and I will have one the following weekend. One of us anyways was missing her actual full communion day.

OP posts:

bowtieandheels · 16/10/2017 16:17

I would go to the wedding. Can totally see your reasoning and makes sense to celebrate the following week when your family are all there. Particularly if you're not religious yourself.

Original poster

miaows · 16/10/2017 16:18

Pandora...i agree. Her dad will be delighted to spend full day with her - I see someone close to me get married and then have all my family at party the following week.

OP posts:

OnionShite · 16/10/2017 16:18

Your child's communion is likely to be a very big deal to her. This is infinitely more significant than whether other people approve of the ritual or not. For that reason, I'd prioritise the communion.

FfionFlorist · 16/10/2017 16:19

Op, I think you've made up your mind and you're looking for us to help you justify. I think your dd should be your priority.

frami · 16/10/2017 16:20

2 of my children delayed their Communions by a year so they could attend other family events. However, they were events that the children were also invited to, and I gave them the choice explaining the problem: how certain people would have to choose the other event over theirs but whatever they chose, DH and I, and their siblings would be in attendance.
Our Communions are done through the Church not school so there is more flexiblity, also we are a very ethnically diverse community, many of them come from cultures where children do not normally make their Communion before the age of 10 so we get a large age range. A child who is older/taller will not feel out-of-place. I realise that this may not be so in your church OP. In that case you DC has to come first. Whether or not you are religious does not matter (my DH is not Catholic but attends every event that is important to me or the children.) if you don't go your daughter will never forget that her Mum wasn't there.

NotAgainYoda · 16/10/2017 16:20

I would go to the wedding. Your child doesn't mind; her father will be there. Her father is the religious one who will be supporting her in that.

BTW When I child can choose of its own free will to promise itself to God, then I'll believe it's that child's 'special day'

Original poster

miaows · 16/10/2017 16:21

Jungle it's an AIBU thread....am just sounding my decision out. 50/50 so far.

OP posts:

grannytomine · 16/10/2017 16:21

How does you daughter feel about it? Does she go to a Catholic school so she will be making her First Holy Communion with her friends?

My daughter would have been really upset if I had missed her First Holy Communion, her brothers' wouldn't have been as upset.

I don't think your own religious beliefs come into it as you would be there to support your child. My mother was a staunch Orange woman but she, and her parents and siblings, all attended my First Holy Communion because I mattered more to them than towing the Orange line.

EllaHen · 16/10/2017 16:22

Doesn't your daughter want to go to the wedding?

Mine definitely would.

Original poster

miaows · 16/10/2017 16:23

All my children are invited to the wedding. I asked them - communion won hands down. Party with kids versus boring adult party lol.

OP posts:

Ginslinger · 16/10/2017 16:23

I'd go to the wedding providing your daughter is happy with that - she will be with people who love her and for whom the communion service is of importance

Flippetydip · 16/10/2017 16:24

Only on mumsnet is catholic bashing acceptable.

If it makes you feel marginally better, I find it's not just Catholicism that gets a rough trot on MN, it's Christianity as a whole. The last acceptable prejudice it would appear.

OP, you would appear to have made up your mind. Have you asked your DD? Her response should give you your lead.

PixieChemist · 16/10/2017 16:25

It shouldn't matter if you are religious though, it matters that it means something to your DD. I'm Anglican not Catholic so maybe it's different but I really don't understand why you can't speak to the priest and delay the FHC for a year? DP was Catholic and said they had FHC held every few months at his church growing up.

Rachie1973 · 16/10/2017 16:25

Your child will be well loved and well cared for and surrounded by people who actually care about the religious aspect.

In that circumstance she's already been prioritised as No 1 and her father is taking on that responsibility.

Its ok for you to prioritise your needs now. Go and enjoy the wedding.

Nikephorus · 16/10/2017 16:26

I'd stay for my daughter's communion - it's your daughter's event. Your beliefs are completely irrelevant. And it doesn't matter if she says it doesn't matter - when she's older she'll remember that you prioritised a -party- wedding with your family over her.

Rachie1973 · 16/10/2017 16:26

I get the feeling the communion can't be changed because her Dad and his family WANT it that day.

Rachie1973 · 16/10/2017 16:27

realistically if we all prioritised our children all of the time none of us would work, or have a social life, or a bath in peace.

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