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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choose family wedding over my child's communion.

325 replies

miaows · 16/10/2017 15:40

My youngest is making her communion next year. Just found out a close family member has booked her wedding the same day. Would I BU to go to the wedding and have her Dad do the communion. We are separated so we were planning on having parties on different days. I can have her party for my side when I come back on the following weekend. I talked to her about it and she's seems ok with this. All my family will probably go to the wedding. It is abroad as she lives there. I will be gone for the whole weekend. I just have this niggling guilt because I won't be there for her special day.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 17/10/2017 10:16

JenniferYellowHat1980 she's not justifying, she asked for opinions.

She has no need of justification.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 10:18

She asked if she was being unreasonable well in my opinion yes very unreasonable

honeyrider · 17/10/2017 10:20

When my dad died in hospital on a Monday at lunchtime we had his wake at home on the Tuesday night, then his removals where he was taken to the church on the Wednesday evening and his burial on the Thursday. If he had died earlier on the Monday he'd probably have been waked on the Monday evening, removals on the Tuesday evening and buried on the Wednesday.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 10:24

The actual day either Wednesday or Thursday is up to the family, but usually at least two nights of a wake for friends and family to pay respects for the deceased and the actually funeral mass is not expected to be attended by more than the family and if other friends are free, can get the time free.

sashh · 17/10/2017 10:40

But where does it stop? You would miss a close family members wedding for a school play or a football match? What about a funeral?

A bit different. Football matches and plays - well they will have another. Funeral - well if it is your own child?

treaclesoda Link to an RC school, they start prep in September and continue until Easter, children make FHC after Easter.

primarysite-prod-sorted.s3.amazonaws.com/holy-trinity-catholic-academy/UploadedDocument/4cf6a6a986264b869f68a00a17f6bfc6/holycommeng.pdf

Should my mum drop all of her commitments now when I have a 'special day' even though I am 24?

Let me think, if that was you becoming a priest or getting married how would you feel if your mum went to another event?

For RC's there are 7 sacraments, some you can only receive once, some you can receive many times. Communism is one you can receive numerous times but the first one is the most important, equally as important as marriage or holy orders.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 17/10/2017 11:04

sassh my comment was in response to another poster who said they wouldn't miss ANY special day of their child's for a wedding, including events like plays.

And to the OP the communion is not as equally important as a marriage because she herself isn't Catholic.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 11:06

Bull

sirfredfredgeorge · 17/10/2017 11:07

well they will have another they'll have another holy communion too, but only one will be their first. We get that it's really, really important if you're catholic, but if you're not catholic, it's not important, for me it would be so much less important than my DD's first (important) football match or first play, because I am not catholic, and those things are more important to me.

The OP is not catholic, it's not an important thing to her, her DD has said it doesn't matter if she's there, so it's not an important thing to her to have someone who does not agree with the importance there.

shhhfastasleep · 17/10/2017 11:44

It doesn’t matter whether the op gives a shit about FHC (guessing she doesn’t), what matters is if the dd gives a shit. If she doesn’t (and the op is satisfied she means it), then the op can go and have fun without her at a family wedding.
Can you tell I’m a Catholic with the ladies of guilt subtext there?

Opheliasgoldenwine · 17/10/2017 12:47

I would have said I was okay with it too at that age and not meant it, as I’d have felt that you didn’t want to be there. I would go to the communion; it’s important to your DD. But from your posts it’s clear you won’t.

Opheliasgoldenwine · 17/10/2017 12:48

And yes, IMO YABU

Boggisbunceandbean · 17/10/2017 14:11

Why not arrange for her to take her first holy communion a year later or in another parish/diocese? Then you can both go to the wedding.

BertrandRussell · 17/10/2017 14:15

Presumably because it's being organized by the catholic side of the family?

allegretto · 17/10/2017 14:17

She probably wants to do it with her friends Boggis. I wouldn't feel guilty about this at all OP - but then I delegate all catholicism-related things to my DH anyway.

DistanceCall · 17/10/2017 14:32

Your plan sounds fine, OP. If you are having parties on different days and your daughter is happy with it (and moreover you are not a Catholic), I really can't see what the problem is.

sirfredfredgeorge · 17/10/2017 14:42

then I delegate all catholicism-related things to my DH anyway

You can delegate Catholic guilt? More elightenend than I imagined.

allegretto · 17/10/2017 14:55

Actually DH doesn't seem to do the Catholic guilt thing, it seems to have completey passed him by!

lapetitesiren · 17/10/2017 14:57

I haven't text so sorry if someone else has suggested this. Let her do communion with her dads family and the next week why not go to mass with her and let her wear her dress again before your party.this is not uncommon. She will just get to feel special twice and maybe all your family could go along.

Boggisbunceandbean · 17/10/2017 15:33

Well if it's not your show and you're not the one raising her a catholic then I don't think you should feel guilty at all, it's for her dad to do. She will be sad that you're not there of course but I would offer her alternatives - is she at a catholic school and does she know that many taking FHC?

Boggisbunceandbean · 17/10/2017 15:34

Lapetites is a good suggestion and you can always have a celebration after. The parish will love seeing her dressed up and she'll get lots of lovely attention.

Coconutspongexo · 17/10/2017 15:39

I'd go to my child's communion regardless of the situation.

happymumof4crazykids · 17/10/2017 15:44

I'd go to the wedding! Especially as the catholic side is her dads! Let them have the joy of the sham and then you get to have fun Wink

NotAgainYoda · 17/10/2017 16:35

I would love to know how many children opt out of the FHC following all the 'preparation' (AKA social and emotional pressure)

NotAgainYoda · 17/10/2017 16:41

allegretto

Is that because Catholicism has a lot less to say about the behaviour of men than it does the behaviour of women?

speakout · 17/10/2017 16:47

OP doesn't your DD want to go to the wedding abroad?

I know my DD would jump at the chance of such a trip- especially as you are so close to this family member.