Choose family wedding over my child's communion.

[miaows]

My youngest is making her communion next year. Just found out a close family member has booked her wedding the same day. Would I BU to go to the wedding and have her Dad do the communion. We are separated so we were planning on having parties on different days. I can have her party for my side when I come back on the following weekend. I talked to her about it and she's seems ok with this. All my family will probably go to the wedding. It is abroad as she lives there. I will be gone for the whole weekend. I just have this niggling guilt because I won't be there for her special day.

Possibly but I think it probably has more to do with being Italian.

All religions tend to have a lot more to say about women's behaviour than men's..

Dipping

I agree

Rachie1973 my thoughts exactly.* If we did everything so as not to disappoint our kids what lessons are they learning? But it sounds like your daughter won’t be disappointed so don’t feel guilty.*

I cannot believe the behaviour of some of the vicious shrews on this thread. I honestly think it's the worst I've ever seen on Mumsnet. Cruel, callous and deeply ignorant. I use the word 'ignorant' rather than 'stupid' because stupidity can be unfortunate - ignorance is wilful.

Although an atheist myself, I was annoyed to see people using this situation to knock the Catholic Church, as I felt it detracts from the argument. But it looks like many of the Catholics on this thread don't need any help in creating a negative impression of their religion. I'm talking about flippant, unnecessary digs like 'Go to her next wedding' - because obviously the bride is some slapper who couldn't give a toss about her marriage and is just using it as an excuse for a party in the sun. Never mind that the OP has specified that the bride LIVES abroad, and not in a holiday destination - that you're either too dense to read or deliberately ignore because it doesn't fit your narrative.

OP - if by some slim chance you're still reading, this is what I took from your thread:

• Two people you love dearly are taking part in special events on the same day. This was a big enough dilemma for you to ask for views here on this, not some snap decision.

• You leaned towards choosing the wedding because you don't share in the religious belief, but still understand it's important for your daughter. Even though you have doubts about Catholicism, you are not trying to change her mind - you are supporting her.

• Even though you have those doubts, and even though her father is giving her a celebration anyway, you are still giving your daughter a second party because you love her and wouldn't have missed her communion without very good reason.

You sound like a lovely mum and a caring person. Enjoy the wedding.

Mrswinkler I agree. No long term harm will be done. Well said coughlove.

Well said coughlove

YABU

Agree with Coughlaugh.

OP sounds like a loving mother. She's having a party for her daughter Ffs, even though she isn't religious and the FHC isn't personally important to her.

Those projecting their own views on here, just because the FHC was so important to you, doesn't mean it was important to the OPs daughter. I hated mine and found it mortifying.

Most of the people talking about Catholicism here have been brought up Catholic. Would you say that muslims or Jewish people who had been brought up in the religions can't criticise their experiences? What about ex-scientologists? Anyone who has once been inducted into a religion must forever lay off criticising it? That's absurd.

I do think girls in Catholicism (and probably other religions but I can't say that categorically) are brought up to bear more guilt. For example, I was taught sex education by nuns (hilariously). It seemed to consist of the idea that BOYS have urges (whereas girls don't obviously) and it was our responsibility to save boys from themselves by protecting our virtue. Boys didn't seem to have any responsibility for this as they were just following their own natural urges . We were also taught that a girl who died protecting her virtue and was canonised as a Saint was blessed. Because of course a woman's virtue is more valued than her life.....

Anyway OP you know your daughter and how important or not it is to her. I'm sure the wedding means more to you and your family so enjoy it. And make a fuss of your daughter when you get home.

I hope I have this correct but the holy communion is a sacrament each time you take it so its just as special. The following week can be talked about as the first holy communion that my mums family was with me for and can be made just as special. Some churches encourage wearing the outfit in church on a few occasions afterwards so it might not be unusual. If you talk to the school early enough maybe all the children could be invited to attend dressed up the following week too. I don't think she should feel any hurt you aren't there the first time if the right spin is put on the situation. Maybe you can Skype her just before and other family members can give her good wishes or after to congratulate her. If your attitude values her first holy communion it shouldn't upset her if others like gran and dad are sharing this special moment together. I hope she has two lovely days however you decide the details.

My exh had my older ds baptised and the younger ones HC without my knowledge /permission so I missed all relevant Catholic meetings and 'the big day' all my ds are none the worse for wear. All nc with AHexh though. Go to the wedding and swop photos with dd at your own he together with her. Guilt free imo.

If you're still reading OP. I've no idea if my mum came to my communion or not. I know my catechism teacher will have been super judgemental if she didn't. But it made exactly ZERO difference to my experience of the day. She's not a catholic and never went to mass so I don't think she was there. My (catholic) aunt came shopping with us for my outfit and will have been at the church for any necessary fussing. I can remember the shopping trip because my mum was surprised by the whole white dress, veil, gloves, thing but there wasn't a good reason for her to be there for my communion so I think she probably wasn't. Sounds like you and she both have your heads screwed on. Enjoy your wedding and I'm sure she will enjoy her celebrations too. As for the suggestion that she will be sad you're not there - I doubt it. As I said I can't even remember if my mum came to my communion or not. You will miss out on the congratulations of everyone (doesn't she look lovely, you must be so proud, how she's grown etc etc, she looks just like .... etc) but I'm sure you will both survive and it will make very little difference to her day and probably none whatsoever to your relationship with her.

Fucksake. I did communion and I couldn't tell you who was there. My confirmation was the big thing. I'd go to the wedding. Seriously. Communion pushes the child into it but it's your confirmation that's the important one. That's when the child actually chooses to accept Catholicism, not just wanting to wear a nice dress because everyone else in the class did

I don't know why you bothered with the thread in the first place. You clearly had made up your mind already.

My First Holy Communion was 33 years ago. I can tell you everyone who attended. It was a major event in my life. My confirmation was a much smaller deal.

Well I can’t remember my FHC really, I can’t really remember who was there. It wasn’t a big event in my life.

There are lots of times I was disappointed as a child, I'm not scarred and it's part of what has made me able to cope with life. Your daughter will survive. I couldn't tell you who was at my FHC either, confirmation was a bigger deal because that's when you understand the lessons and make a choice. I think it's really unfair to think that she won't be just as happy with her dad there and it will also be good for her to learn she has two supportive parents - not just one.

Clearly dad's are not as special as mums and can't do " hair" !

My fhc was 31 years ago and i can remember rehearsing the hymns in the school hall in the weeks before, my aunt and her family being there, being on the altar, My dress, the present show the week after at school, i got blue rosary beads and a grotto statue. I dont acrually remember my parents being there but they were, so dont worry lol.

I had one of my holy communion hymns at my wedding.

Phew. Some of you religious types sound awfully judgemental. Oh well.

In this circumstance I'd say go to the wedding. The other option is that she can postpone her Hoky communion to a year later and make it with the class below. She might prefer to be with her friends though. I think it would be nice to agree with the dad to FaceTime so you get to see her dress etc. Is their a special aunt on your dad's side who could help her get ready do her hair etc.

My DDs fhcs were really special. Lovely family days as well as highly significant in their spiritual development.
However as her Dad's the RC parent and you'll get to see all your family I'd definitely go to the wedding.

Hoky Communion 😂

Still some idiots think this is about religion. FYI, I am not religious, I concur with previous posters about leaving the religious teaching to the partner invested in it - my partner does all the work on that front. However, 6 months are invested in preparing for a communion and the child rarely gets the 'religious purpose' of the event - she/he just knows it's something she is preparing for for 6 months with all friends, who for the most part will have their mom and dad there to see her achieve that like all her friends will have. I didn't want my children to have religion, but he did. Surely to make a choice they have to know what choice they are making. Chicken and egg scenario. Even more important for parents who have split up, to see them together supporting her after 6 months of 'indoctrination OR preparation'. The lack of empathy for the child is what I would call a self-involved shrew - never assume that tomorrow always comes. Put your child first here, you should be embarrassed to ask the question in the first place OP.

Wedding trump's communion.

Go to the wedding. Your relationship with your DD will survive this.

It's sad to read of such spiteful and unforgiving attitudes from others.

Surely it's the love you have for your DD that matters, not the public showing off. Tell her you'll be thinking of her.