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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choose family wedding over my child's communion.

325 replies

miaows · 16/10/2017 15:40

My youngest is making her communion next year. Just found out a close family member has booked her wedding the same day. Would I BU to go to the wedding and have her Dad do the communion. We are separated so we were planning on having parties on different days. I can have her party for my side when I come back on the following weekend. I talked to her about it and she's seems ok with this. All my family will probably go to the wedding. It is abroad as she lives there. I will be gone for the whole weekend. I just have this niggling guilt because I won't be there for her special day.

OP posts:
BlueSapp · 16/10/2017 21:24

How selfish.

BertrandRussell · 16/10/2017 21:27

Completely irrelevant, but the drunkest I've ever been is at the party after one of my niece's FHC.

The evening party and after the children has gone to bed, I hasten to add.

midnightmisssuki · 16/10/2017 22:29

OH op - I think you've already made up your mind - coming on here was trying to justify your decision. Just do what you want - why let a bunch of random women choose what you should/should not do??? Fwiw - u would always choose my daughter first.

enceladus · 16/10/2017 23:04

such a selfish decision.

BertrandRussell · 16/10/2017 23:09

"such a selfish decision"

Do you never divide your forces with your children's father if there's a diary clash?

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 17/10/2017 00:35

Well I don't think the op is selfish. Why are people trying to make her feel so guilty. It's just a bit spiteful really.

TheStoic · 17/10/2017 01:08

The Catholics are out doing what they do best.... making people feel guilty

So true. Grin

Enjoy the wedding, OP, and the party the following week.

Smitff · 17/10/2017 01:18

Children come first, but they're not the only people in life. FFS. The girl has a father. He is the religious one. The mother's side won't be there anyway. The girl will be with her (presumably) loving father and his family one week, and her loving mother and family the following week. It sounds perfect to me.

BertrandRussell · 17/10/2017 05:58

Do children always come first? Mine don't!

And what if you have more than one child?

Viviene · 17/10/2017 07:24

Skarrossing I am with you on this one. Even at mine I thought it was well creepy that we were told we were 'Christ's brides' (that's what they tell you in my country anyway). I remember the walk to the church and think

Viviene · 17/10/2017 07:27

Posted too soon, sorry...

I remember walking to the church thinking ' I don't want to be anyone's bride'.

However, that being said, I would still go to the communion in the OP's situation. Even if it means missing out on the wedding.

Branleuse · 17/10/2017 07:29

Id change the date of the communion if at all possible.. unless youre really devout catholics then i dont think a communion is a big deal

Pannnn · 17/10/2017 07:38

Oh I don't think religious bashing is reserved for the Catholics. Look at all the islamaphobia that goes on as a for instance.
Bhuddists and all that mindfulness stuff get an easy ride.
Jews and anti-Semitism has an unhealthy profile too.

And those Taoists just can't shut up!

OP just do what you want. You will despite the hand ringing.

Myheartbelongsto · 17/10/2017 07:53

You are very selfish.

This is one of those times in life where you have to put your child first and you just couldn't.

I've had a communion every year for the last three years, one boy, two girls and I don't know how you could miss that.

Your child will always remember you weren't there and as they get older will realise you put a piss up and sunshine first.

There are moments on the day that are so special that you will miss because you will be off in the sunshine dancing to gangnam style.

PandorasXbox · 17/10/2017 07:55

Some of the responses are bordering ridiculous.

It’s a close family wedding not a hen do to Malaga.

Myheartbelongsto · 17/10/2017 07:58

Can't get any closer than your own daughter though can you!!

PandorasXbox · 17/10/2017 08:02

She will be with her other parent not some random the girl doesn’t know.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 17/10/2017 08:04

I wouldn't miss my sisters wedding for my daughters communion. Yes my daughter means more in the grand scheme of things, but like the op I am not catholic nor am I religious. Sisters wedding would mean a lot more.

Iamahppy · 17/10/2017 08:24

I actually think it's really important that as the non religious parent you don't get involved in the religious aspect of your daughters life. You need to be there to show her she has a choice later on and if she comes to decide to reject her fathers beliefs you will be there to support her !

sashh · 17/10/2017 08:24

This is the most important day of your child's life so far. So yeah go out of the country.

The girl will be with her (presumably) loving father and his family one week, and her loving mother and family the following week. It sounds perfect to me.

For a party that is fine but for the actual first communion?

Something the child has been learning about and preparing for for months, possibly 6 months.

And I am the type of atheist who makes Dawkins look lightweight.

If the wedding is in a European country then could you go to the communion, then fly out in time for the wedding, or at least the party after the wedding?

diddl · 17/10/2017 08:33

I'm also not religious-but my daughter means more to me than my sister.

If this is so unimportant to Op & her daughter, why is Op also holding a party for it?

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 08:39

Your lack of respect for your daughters faith is sad, she will see the importance of her FHC closer to the time and what you are basically saying to her is you are not as important to me as a piss up with my “real” family, you are pushing her toward your ex, let’s just hope this doesn’t come back to bite you later.

AnonEvent · 17/10/2017 08:39

good point I really don't think anyone would bat an eyelid if roles reversed.

I tend to agree. I can't be sure of course, but I suspect that people would be a lot more accepting of a father missing FHC.

Op, it's not your religion, or your 'do', he is her father. Unless she's mortally upset about it, go to the wedding and don't give it a second thought. I would.

Rachie1973 · 17/10/2017 08:40

LOL @ selfish.

No wonder we have some very entitled children around.

And some fathers that feel second best

BritInUS1 · 17/10/2017 08:40

I'd go to the wedding and let the ex enjoy the communion with his family x