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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choose family wedding over my child's communion.

325 replies

miaows · 16/10/2017 15:40

My youngest is making her communion next year. Just found out a close family member has booked her wedding the same day. Would I BU to go to the wedding and have her Dad do the communion. We are separated so we were planning on having parties on different days. I can have her party for my side when I come back on the following weekend. I talked to her about it and she's seems ok with this. All my family will probably go to the wedding. It is abroad as she lives there. I will be gone for the whole weekend. I just have this niggling guilt because I won't be there for her special day.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 17/10/2017 08:48

I read the OP and thought going to the wedding was a no brainer.

But it seems I don't fully understand what a first communion is, I thought it was just a church service where all the kids sit together and take the bread thing for the first time. I didn't know there was preparation before and a big build up to it.

I'm torn. I'd still veer towards the wedding purely because it's the father who has been the driving force behind the Catholic upbringing. I think if the roles were reversed no one would think twice about the father not attending.

Iamahppy · 17/10/2017 08:55

Treaclesoda some take it a bit further

Choose family wedding over my child's communion.
MollyWantsACracker · 17/10/2017 08:56

Communion is a big deal. The children put a lot of time and effort into preparing for it, its not just an hour in church. It is typically a big family event, hence no space in church except for parents and grandparents. Tough one OP.
I’d probably suck it up and do the communion though

sirfredfredgeorge · 17/10/2017 09:04

Lots of things are a big deal to a child, that they invest a lot of time into preparing for, sporting events, their first regional or national competition for example, I'm sure a great many would not suggest knocking off a family wedding to watch their DS swim in their first gala? Particularly if it's something they normally do with their ex-partner.

Communion is typically a big family event because the rest of the family shares the significance of it.

The religious people on the thread need to understand, that to many of the non-religious, it is just like a hobby, the preparation and effort put in by the child can be the same, indeed many hobbies are taken more seriously by children than their religions. It's always good to encourage and support your children in the things they want to do, but it doesn't need the whole family, and in a split family, both parts to drop every other obligation to do so.

3luckystars · 17/10/2017 09:05

There is no way I would prioritise someone else above my child's special day,even if it was just a school play.
A holy communion is a huge deal and your daughter will have done a massive amount of preparation for it.
It's a really special day in a child's life. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 17/10/2017 09:12

Go to the wedding and organise a fabulous second party with your entire family the following week. You aren't religious but your ex is, so the ceremony will mean more to him than you. Seems a perfectly reasonable position to me. Unless your daughter is very religious too, she'll love being the centre of attention twice and you being there for the actual ceremony won't be the biggie some people here are making it out to be. Is your ex going to video/photograph the ceremony? (Not sure what the protocol is at communion.) If so, maybe a showcase part of your family party can be showing pictures/video from the ceremony to your family on a big screen, so everyone can share the experience.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 17/10/2017 09:14

But where does it stop? You would miss a close family members wedding for a school play or a football match? What about a funeral?

Making choices that aren't your children don't make you a bad parent. Sometimes things get in the way and children can't go first. My parents missed my school plays because of other commitments. I was able to understand that and I didn't feel pushed to one side or second best.

3luckystars · 17/10/2017 09:17

It doesn't stop.
If I had to go to a funeral, I would go to some of it, or go the next day, I wouldn't miss the child's event if they had prepared for months for it.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 09:20

*sirfredfredgeorge

Lots of things are a big deal to a child, that they invest a lot of time into preparing for,*

Surely that’s the point it’s going to be a big deal to her dd so she should prioritise her over a wedding, you only get one chance to give your children positive life experiences, being absent from this is wrong

BertrandRussell · 17/10/2017 09:27

"If I had to go to a funeral, I would go to some of it, or go the next day,"

Sorry? You'd go to the funeral the next day? Surely that would be going to someone else's funeral?

Rachie1973 · 17/10/2017 09:32

LOL Go to a funeral the next day? How does that work?

I'm convinced some parents live in a pretty box and only come out when their kids call.

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 17/10/2017 09:35

What do you think happens to your children when they enter the real world and realise nobody gives a shit about the stuff they do? It's healthy for kids to understand they aren't the center of the universe.

Should my mum drop all of her commitments now when I have a 'special day' even though I am 24?

Redglitter · 17/10/2017 09:41

I think if your daughter is ok with it then you're quite right to go to the wedding.

KarateKitten · 17/10/2017 09:54

Funerals are usually 2 days here, a wake one day and a funeral the next. Most people only attend one of the days.

3luckystars · 17/10/2017 09:56

Someone asked upthread if a funeral came up? Funerals are two days long here in Ireland so that is what I meant.
I can totally understand that every single thing in your child’s life can’t be attended, I work myself and sorry if I’m coming across badly.
I would just suggest that the poster attends a communion ceremony first if possible and make her decision then, it’s a really really big event in a child’s life and I would be there no matter what.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 09:58

You mean three days from death to funeral mass

KarateKitten · 17/10/2017 10:01

Bluesapp, usually it's 3 days till the wake, then the next day the funeral. So two days of formal funeral attendances by people but 2-4 days before they are booked in after death.

I believe England is much longer before the body is released for funerals.

Rachie1973 · 17/10/2017 10:07

KarateKitten

It depends largely on the circumstances. Sometimes the post mortem can be a while, as in my FIL's case. Sometimes it's simply availability.

My Dad in Law died July 13th, but we didn't have a funeral til August 5th.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 10:10

Well at home if someone died on a Monday morning they would be buried on a Thursday morning. So three nights of wake before the funeral, which is plenty of time for people to pay their respects without having to attend the actual funeral service, but the point is if it were a family funeral you’d be there the whole time so it is not really
Holy communion is an important occasion weather the ops dd can see it now or not it should be attended by her.

KarateKitten · 17/10/2017 10:10

Is that in Ireland Rachie? But yes, there are always exceptions. It's just usually only a few days here compared to over a week in Eng. we've always had problems getting family home in time for important funerals. Often holding back an extra day so people can fly in.

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 17/10/2017 10:10

If your DD is only in it for the party, as you say, why is she doing it at all? If not, I would personally support her by attending. Justify yourself all you like but you ultimately you want to go to the wedding for your own benefit. Your choice.

BlueSapp · 17/10/2017 10:11

*comparable

se22mother · 17/10/2017 10:13

Communion any day. For my child it was massively important that all her family were there. Can you not go to the wedding do later?

Rachie1973 · 17/10/2017 10:14

No Karate..... in England.

BlueSapp Our funeral was at 12..... then the wake until 4. That's it here. Its unusual for it to be anything longer really. If you want to pay your respects before burial/cremation you usually go to the funeral home.

The OP is going to the wedding.

She's happy and DD is happy.

karensky123 · 17/10/2017 10:15

My Mother, non religious, didn't attend my First Holy Communion for reasons I cannot remember but she did go to my younger Sisters, it still bothers me to this day and I'm now in my sixties.