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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

465 replies

MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:01

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow Sad

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” Sad ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

OP posts:
PandorasXbox · 16/10/2017 09:47

Of course rocking up to a wedding with your dc in jeans because you don’t want to buy suitable clothes as it’s just one day is awful.

What’s the back story here OP?

NataliaOsipova · 16/10/2017 09:47

Controversial, I know, but I wouldn’t take my children out of school for a wedding. Even their aunties.

I wouldn't either. But then we also wouldn't make a big fuss about how difficult it was to travel at the weekend, especially given there's a really good reason why the wedding is when it is and not in school holidays. I think the OP's sister is being a bit of a misery just because things don't exactly suit her.

fruitbrewhaha · 16/10/2017 09:48

I'm surprised by a lot of the responses here OP.

I'm guessing your sister lives in France and you are in the UK. If you move abroad, and France is hardly very far away, you have to factor in a few visits home to see family.

I would have thought a day off school wouldn't be that bad, so that they had a bit longer to see you, but she knows her children and perhaps they are a bit behind.
She's being a PITA. Jeans at a wedding if a definite no.
Maybe there's more going on with her at the moment.

SingingMySong · 16/10/2017 09:48

You have the choice. You can stew about it, labelling her a cow, unreasonable, ridiculous etc etc. Alternatively take a glass half full approach. She didn't have to come, but she chose to, even though it's a lot of travel and expense for not many hours in the country. And she's bringing the kids to be part of the family celebration.

Don't get dragged down by petty irritations. Enjoy your wedding, be pleased that your sis will be there, don't sweat the small stuff.

Personally I think the jeans suggestion was her trying to get you to notice that she is putting herself out quite a lot and spending a lot to be there. Which is her choice etc etc, but it wouldn't hurt to just appreciate that rather than complaining she's not staying long enough and should pull her children out of school.

scottishdiem · 16/10/2017 09:48

Personal travelling from one country to another is making some people travel overseas. DP and I married in Scotland. My mum came from Turkey, DPs from Zimbabwe. This was overseas. If you cannot accept this simple fact then you are being a bridezilla.

You wrote "doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school" - if cannot accept that people take different views on this then you are being a bridezilla.

I get why you have to have things done at a certain time and place but accept that no-one, even family, needs to dance to your tune. For them it is just one day. Its also your second wedding so its a day you have already had (sorry for the circumstances that drive this but other people will see it differently to you, even family).

However, your sister is being very unreasonable about the clothing.

Hollystyrene · 16/10/2017 09:48

Was she expecting the children to be asked to be bridesmaids/pageboys, or for you to ask her to be a more integral part of the ceremony, and is a bit put out?

MaudAndOtherPoems · 16/10/2017 09:49

I may be in the minority here, but I do think it is Bridezilla-ish to be so insistent about what primary school-aged children wear. As long as they're smart jeans - not ripped and covered in mud from playing football - they'll look fine. People looking at the photos (and this all seems to be about the photos) will be looking at the bride and groom in all their splendour and will barely register what anyone else is wearing.

TheSconeOfStone · 16/10/2017 09:50

It would annoy me to be expected to dress smartly just because it's a military wedding. I was brought up in the military and hated it. I massively rebelled and I'm a bit of a slob really. It's good manners to dress smartly for any wedding, why does it being military make it any more important?

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:52

I did ask the kids to be pageboys but she ummed and ahhed about coming so long O didn’t ask again.

I can’t buy them outfits here and refuse to go to the expense when they might not make it in time (arriving 2 hours before the ceremony).

She is doing a reading.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 16/10/2017 09:52

So which is more important having them there or which clothes they wear?

Other than “keeping up appearances” you don’t seem to have a valid reason why it actually matters what two children wear?

MinervaSaidThar · 16/10/2017 09:52

OP, there are people trying to deliberately rile you with the 'it's overseas' comments.

Ignore them. Your sister is BU to moan about trousers. Why can't they just wear their school trousers? I find it hard to believe they only own jeans. This is not the sort of crap you worry the bride about.

Is your sister usually difficult?

If the wedding was difficult for her to attend, she should have just declined.

Rachie1973 · 16/10/2017 09:53

I think the OP is getting a hard time because she's pretty damned rude.

Ok, her sister is being a pain, but quite honestly if I was getting the OPs attitude in RT I'd be pretty shitty too.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:53

I can’t but then outfits they won’t try on until 2 hours before the wedding.

OP posts:
SingingMySong · 16/10/2017 09:53

I don't think the jeans are a serious suggestion, and it sounds like it's been resolved anyway. Just reiterate you're pleased they can come and leave it be.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:54

It was a serious suggestion - joggers were suggested too Hmm

OP posts:
diddl · 16/10/2017 09:55

"I really really wanted the groom to attend the wedding"

Well, there's your mistake Grin

charmedrose · 16/10/2017 09:55

But ANY wedding that's overseas is a PITA to attend
The wedding can't be classed as overseas, the op is getting married in the country of her birth.

The sister has gone to live "overseas" and as such family occasions will crop up and the sister will possibly come "home" for the occasion. There is a difference.

RJnomore1 · 16/10/2017 09:55

Could you get their measurements and buy a couple of pairs of trousers in close sizes (one up one down) from somewhere like sainsburys where you can return them afterwards if they don't fit/don't make it?

nobutreally · 16/10/2017 09:56

OP: your wedding is the most important thing in your life right now. That's as it should be - and it sounds like you will have the most awesome day.

Your sis clearly isn't 'in the mood' - for whatever reason. Is there a backstory/is she usually supportive? If she is, I would let it go, and assume that something is going on that she isn't telling you about (possibly so as not to worry you in the run up to the wedding).

If she isn't, I would let it go - she's not going to change just because you're getting married: let her have her dramas, and just float above it.

Just remember, that this is about a marriage, not a wedding day. If your nephews aren't wearing the right trousers on your wedding day, or your sister is a bit whiney, it won't make you unhappy for the rest of your married life, so don't let it ruin one day - it's really not a big deal in the scheme of things.

Ambonsai · 16/10/2017 09:56

Of course the sister is being unreasonable.

it's unreasonable to not make an effort to dress the children in a pair of trousers.

It's unreasonable that she's not making an effort for her sister.

It's unreasonable that's she can't seem to be happy for her sister.

"Just one day" and expecting the wedding to be in the school holidays to suit her.
That's not nice

And it's hurtful

And it's not an overseas wedding in the pita, b&g decided to party abroad kinda way.
Yes, the sister has to work out the logistics, but it's not hard to get away for the weekend in Europe.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:56

Of course also by her living overseas means that I am the “on hand” person for our elderly parents.

Which is fine but there is a flip side to everything - my poor sister having to travel overseas to her family.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 16/10/2017 09:57

I think your DSis is making a big effort to come from abroad with her family.
I also think she is being a little bit petty about the trousers.Could someone in the family sub her for early Christmas present.?
I really don’t think that it is worth getting upset or falling out with people over whether children wear jeans to your wedding. Everyone will be looking at you and your DH and apart from you no one will be interested in what the children have on.
Be grateful that they are inconveniencing themselves to join you on your marriage day and have a lovely time.

greeeen · 16/10/2017 09:59

YANBU.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:59

Is a wedding an inconvenience?

My sister is not hard up.

She’s just not and I do know this. She has always been tight.

OP posts:
imtherealbummymummyotherisfake · 16/10/2017 10:00

I'd have just let them wear jeans. She'd have looked like the ass not you.

Joggers? I'd have told her not to come, sounds like she's trying to wind you up.

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