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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

465 replies

MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:01

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow Sad

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” Sad ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

OP posts:
Outlookmainlyfair · 16/10/2017 10:00

You have enough to do, planning a wedding without having her issues too. If her kids wear jeans it reflects on her not you, so I would just let her get on with whatever mess and hassle she wants to create.

FWIW I think she is being ungracious - if it was my sibling I would be excited and happy and do whatever I could to make the day special for the bride and groom.

Also, it may just be me but I think it odd that the children have nothing smarter than jeans. My kids have mainly hand me downs, but I always make sure that they have something just a bit smarter for special occasions, parties or visting elderly relatives etc.

I can see that not everyone On this thread think agrees with you, fair enough, but some of the tone is unnecessary. You are getting married at a time that your STBH is available in the country of your birth. That sounds unequivocally rational and fair. Have a wonderful day, don’t let anyone get you down!

Annabel7 · 16/10/2017 10:00

So - the wedding's at a tricky time for her but she's making sure that she and the kids are there. You don't want the kids in jeans - fair enough and she's borrowing some trousers for them. Don't really see the problem TBH. Oh - and what's the significance of the button holes? Is it that you also want them in jackets?

Rachie1973 · 16/10/2017 10:01

MrsEight Mon 16-Oct-17 09:59:25
Is a wedding an inconvenience?

My sister is not hard up.

She’s just not and I do know this. She has always been tight

I'd stop now. You looked reasonable.... people agreed with you..... now you're starting to look a bit bitchy

OllyBJolly · 16/10/2017 10:01

Chill out. No one will notice the kids are in jeans. Be grateful they are making a significant effort to be there and just enjoy the day with your family around you. That's what you'll remember, now what people are wearing.

Viserion · 16/10/2017 10:04

Known for being quite "glam" sounds like you are known for being quite up yourself.

You are doing yourself no favours with the way you describe yourself here. We are a former military family and many of our closest friends are still serving. There is nothing any more 'glam' about us or them compared to any other family who has no association with the Armed Forces. Hmm

JaneEyre70 · 16/10/2017 10:04

I'd let them wear jeans, it's her it reflects on not you after all. Anything for a quiet life, and as long as she's there, I'd let her comments go straight over the top of your head and ignore them. There is obviously an issue somewhere that she's pissed off about, but if she isn't going to tell you about it, you can't put it right. I hope you have a lovely day OP.

Arseface · 16/10/2017 10:04

It does sound like she's being unnecessarily difficult but I think the best way to handle it is to rise above.
Just reply to any further silliness with, 'Whatever's easiest for you, looking forward to seeing you all.'
Assuming you've told her the dress code etc, it's up to her if she wants to conform or look a bit silly.
Don't let it bother you, you honestly won't care on the day.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 10:04

To be fair to my DSIS they live in a county that doesn’t do “dressing up”.

BUT this is the county of her birth and a couple of pairs of trousers would not break the bank.

I wasn’t expecting jackets no - I was getting them button holes to signify them as part of our family and to make them feel special (my nephews).

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 16/10/2017 10:05

YANBU. I actually don't think it is that much effort. I went abroad for dh's brother's wedding and even though dd1 was only a few weeks old I forked out on a lovely dress for her as a one off (yet when I got married bil and sil didn't want to pay for a hotel room so came for about 2 hours).

Bil and sil chose to move abroad and I also have increasingly ageing pils for dh to support so I totally get where you're coming from.

guestofclanmackenzie · 16/10/2017 10:06

Sounds like she is being deliberately awkward and pushing your buttons to be honest.

I get the school thing but it's out of order to be pestering you about the trousers when you will no doubt have enough to think about. How much would it cost to buy a couple of pairs of trousers for her kids from somewhere like tesco or asda?

Try not to stress and worry and don't let her negativity get you down.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 10:06

It’s not about being up myself - it’s about a dress code and being suitable attired.

I think only in MN you would be slated for asking people to make an effort on your wedding day.

OP posts:
imtherealbummymummyotherisfake · 16/10/2017 10:09

I hate to say it op but this is the kind of threads the shit rags get hold of.

CredulousThickos · 16/10/2017 10:11

I totally sympathise. And I don’t know why you’re getting a hard time.

Dh’s brother’s wife really really didn’t like me in the early years, I never did find out why.

She came to my 30th birthday which was a cocktails and evening dress event in a tracksuit and with a beanie hat on and told everyone who would listen that she hadn’t had time to shower. This is a woman who never leaves the house without full makeup and hair done usually, I be never sure even her wear joggers before or since.

We asked if their son (who was three) would be a sort of page boy alongside our children. There were lots of children invited and we wanted to make the family children feel part of it. It only really meant wearing a matching suit to my son and BIL (his Dad, best man). She said no because there’s no way he’d want to wear a suit.

She then brought him on the day in a suit. Completely different colour to the other boys and men. I mean, whatever, but it was a definite snub. She also sat in the front row with him and gave him a Cornetto to eat (messily) while me and DH said our vows.

She got drunk at the reception and heckled the speeches and then had a snotty breakdown over me outside about how much she hated being a parent.

I’m amazed I still speak to her if I’m honest, but she obviously had issues. I just wish she hadn’t taken them out on my events.

OllyBJolly · 16/10/2017 10:11

You're getting ridiculous now. It's a huge day for you but it is your second wedding. I imagine your family have already been through this once before and second weddings are usually more "relaxed".

I wanted my wedding to be lovely because it was DH's first. It was wonderful. Some guests came in kilts, some in shorts, and some in leggings. I was just so glad they took the time to come to see me do it for the second - and last - time!

CredulousThickos · 16/10/2017 10:12

‘I’ve never seen her wear her wear joggers before or since’. Thanks for that, iPad.

AmIAWeed · 16/10/2017 10:13

The thing that would bother me here, and I've been in a very similar situation to you with my own sister so I get it is:

You've made the effort to go overseas to her - shes making an issue out of it now it's her turn

that's it, she can't expect people to make the effort for her, taking kids out of school for a birthday party and then complain when it is her turn to make an effort.
My sister had a destination wedding - demanding all stayed in a castle for a week of families bonding and getting to know each other (bleugh) and kicked off when I got married in the village I live in, because it was a 90 minute drive for her.

OP - tell her if its too much hassle don't bother coming

Ambonsai · 16/10/2017 10:15

A second wedding is in no way less important than a first wedding. I can't believe people think that

imtherealbummymummyotherisfake · 16/10/2017 10:15

Olly. Why should it be less of a wedding?! Shock

It's not like op is on her fifth husband for his money, her first dh died. Don't be a twat.

Original poster
MrsEight · 16/10/2017 10:15

Not sure what relevance is to it being my second wedding.

So not as deserving? Hmm

OP posts:
imtherealbummymummyotherisfake · 16/10/2017 10:16

I'd leave this thread mrs. Seems like people are on a wind up today.

Ambonsai · 16/10/2017 10:19

I was just going to say that bummymummy.

It's pointless.
sometimes people just argue for the sake of it

Hullygully · 16/10/2017 10:21

Yes ignore the nasties on here. A lot of people just enjoy being unpleasant for some reason.

Of course, your sis is being a miserable old cow, not surprised you're pissed off. A decent sister would be pleased for you and make the (extremely) minimal effort of putting her two kids in trousers.

Mittens1969 · 16/10/2017 10:23

*MrsEight Mon 16-Oct-17 09:59:25
Is a wedding an inconvenience?

My sister is not hard up.

She’s just not and I do know this. She has always been tight

I'd stop now. You looked reasonable.... people agreed with you..... now you're starting to look a bit bitchy*

I agree 100%, sorry. I do agree your DSis sounds like she’s being difficult but your DM didn’t need to tell you what she said about the timing.

FeralBeryl · 16/10/2017 10:24

Congratulations OP Flowers

Re: clothing, yes I do think she's being unreasonable, but as you say-she's used to living in a country where maybe children don't dress up as much.
The journey will be a PITA, we travel to weddings in this country and it's still a PITA Wink doesn't mean I don't want to go, but I huff and puff aplenty beforehand. Especially if I have to take the DCs.

Re: everything else, sorry but YABABU
It's quite clear that you have issues with your sister moving away and leaving you with all the responsibilities that come from being the only child around.
But don't muddy the waters.
Look at the facts.

She's coming.
She asked about jeans, you said no. Sorted
She's doing a reading
You're going to have a wonderful day.

I don't get this reluctance from some about 2nd weddings. It's a lovely thing when someone you love finds someone they want to commit to.

My BF recently had this. Her ExH was a monster. I was thrilled when she met and married a far nicer man.

Another friend was widowed young, should she meet someone in the future, I shall be equally thrilled.

Annabel7 · 16/10/2017 10:24

But she is putting them in trousers, isn't she? What am I missing here?