AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

[MrsEight]

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

Depending on the circumstances of why this is a second marriage (bereavement, exH/your infidelity), she may think you are making too much of a fuss over a remarriage. Especially if you are talking about full military regalia. My DH got married in his uniform, there were plenty of kids in jeans and it did not impact our ability to exchange vows in any shape or form.

To me it makes more sense that if jeans won't do for you, she borrows clothes from someone who lives nearer her, so they can check the fit, rather than find out 2 hours before the ceremony on arrival. Kids clothes change in style, same way as adults, maybe she reckons your hand-me-downs will look a bit dated as well given that they were GCSE age a few years ago?

The impression I get is that there is more back history here, and it isn't just about a wedding.

I think op is getting a hard time here. Twice she has travelled (once from NZ ffs!) for something for her sister but now it's her special day sis is doing nothing but complain. Why is it so difficult to get a cheap pair of plain trousers for her sister's wedding. Who wants people in jeans in your wedding photos?
If she continues to fuss I would tell her not to bother as her attitude might spoil the wedding.

Yanbu. At all.

Controversial, I know, but I wouldn’t take my children out of school for a wedding. Even their aunties. My children only miss school if they’re poorly.
Let them wear what they want. Who cares? It’s your special day, but you still don’t get to dictate what other people wear.
I rarely wear dresses or like dressing up. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If someone told me what to wear to a wedding, I wouldn’t go. I’d think they’d got their priorities wrong.

The not taking out of school thing isn't a big deal. It's her choice and her call about how her kids cope with changing up their routine. There could be something special they need to be there for before and after. Personally, I would never take my kids out of school for a wedding. We've missed family weddings for this reason and because we've had to work (our business is very seasonal, events-based, missing one weekend of an event which only happen a few times a year means £8,000 less in income for us for the year, so it's a big deal).

But the clothes thing is a little ridiculous, I think. Almost everyone must have non-casual clothes somewhere for their kids. If it's a financial matter, I would have instead just left them at home (assuming she has a partner who can stay at home) and I would have just come myself, maybe stayed a bit longer, but not spent the extra on flights/new clothes for the kids.

YANBU OP about the jeans. Why on earth is she bothering you with such a silly question when you're in the last throws of organising your wedding. Perhaps your mum shouldn't have mentioned the other conversation as it's causes tension. Probably none of it worth worrying about, just let it go and don't forget to thank and acknowledge the special effort she's made travelling over (she's not being unreasonable limiting school absence. I'm sure she would have loved to stay longer).

I don't think she's doing anything wrong tbh.

It's up to her to make the travel plans that she wants.

Borrowing clothes for her kids so that they can try them on before the wedding is surely sensible?

I guess it's up to her to purchase new trousers or not?

I'd probably just have come alone if it was in term time.

And it is "just one day"-you can spend as much/little as you want & so can she.

She's going to be there with the kids not in jeans-so you are getting what you want!

This wedding is a big inconvenience to your sister. She sounds like a bit of a grump.
I’d actually tell her that it seems really difficult for her and she doesn’t have to come.
Let her decide if she actually wants to come. She might have a change in attitude if she realises it’s not actually something she’s being forced to do.
She might not come though.

I would suspect the children don't own any smart trousers..No uniform means jeans to school.

I think you Dsis is in a win situation..For her yes it is an expense if it was in holiday times she could make more of a visit. However it isn't.

As I have got older and the more threads I read on MN I avoid unless I cannot possibly avoid it..If Dsis did not attend she would still get it in the neck.

I also would not take my DC out of secondary school but would in primary..That is something I consider others have different values.

"Depending on the circumstances of why this is a second marriage (bereavement, exH/your infidelity), she may think you are making too much of a fuss over a remarriage"

FFS, OP has already said her first husband DIED.

Honestly I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. It does sound like you want everyone to match up to 'your groom' in his military outfit. Kids can look smart in jeans - and they're kids! Let them wear what they want.

And I totally get why she wouldn't want to take her kids out of school - lotsnif parents wouldn't, and just because you have it shouldn't mean it's expected.

Just try to enjoy your day and let go of the things that, in the long run, really do not matter

What is the actual relevance of the whole 'overseas' thing, though? Given that it's not the OP who is choosing to have a destination wedding?

If they can come by ferry, they can't be too far away, anyway. It's no more a massive effort than if she lived on the other side of the country.

I agree with Willow 2017 Op.

Sorry about your first husband

She ibu to expect you to have your wedding in school holidays.

Yabu expecting her to withdraw the kids from school. If it's anything like here it will be unauthorised. Although in one breath you say she doesn't want them to miss school and in the next that they won't anyway so I'm confused about what you mean.

My oh used to get loads of time off in the holidays. Two weeks every christmas, easter and 3 in august. Obviously not when he was on operations but it worked out quite well once we had kids. Although it's neither here nor there for you as you shouldn't feel tied down to a school holiday wedding but if you really really want someone to attend you do have to consider their working/school patterns too I think.

My sister was bridesmaid at my wedding. She was living far away at the time. She attended one dress fitting a couple of months before the wedding, then she and her family arrived late the night before the wedding. They attended the ceremony and the reception then went home again that night. They couldn't afford to stay overnight in a hotel. I was pleased they were able to attend, it wouldn't have crossed my mind to be annoyed that they didn't stay long enough.

On the other hand if they had worn jeans, I'd have been annoyed.

If someone wants to make their second wedding as wonderful as their first wedding was then that's their business. If the groom is in the forces and him and his friends want to wear uniform that's also their business.

Your wedding your choice. Why the hell is it anyone else's right to tell you it's not that important because it's your 2nd wedding? How bizzare

I really really wanted the groom to attend the wedding - which is why we booked the date we did.

Apologies whatathing. It was a cross post.

Who cares this much about kids wearing jeans to a wedding? Let them wear what they like and are comfortable in.

Op, I think you're being a bit of a bridezilla and I think you're being overly precious about your wedding photographs.

This stuff just isn't important. It's really, really not.

I don’t have an issue with the amount of time she is staying.

I have an issue with her being a total martyr about it.

I think yanbu. Your sister is being hurtful and making you feel that your wedding day means nothing to her. Yes, she's agreed to attend (very good of her, I'm sure) but is making it clear that every penny is grudged. Even when you offered to help out financially, she threw it back in your face with 'no it's fine, just don't want to spend money for one day'. You're not asking for the kids to be dressed in black tie or full military.

So you and your friends and family live in UK and your Sister lives in say, France. (Not a difficult journey at all if it is, I used to go clubbing in Paris from London on the Eurostar! )
She is kicking up a fuss because you cannot move YOUR wedding due to your DP being in the military and not being there in August. She is also kicking up a fuss at buying some trousers for the kids to wear to your wedding.
You are not the one being unreasonable here. It's your wedding, your special day and if she can't accept that you want people in smart clothes and is trying to make it difficult for you, then I'd just tell her not to bother coming. She'll probably have an attitude all day .
I wonder if she's jealous you have found love again after the death of your first husband.

I don’t have an issue with the amount of time she is staying.

I have an issue with her being a total martyr about it.

Aah, I see. I misunderstood. Well in that case I think I'm with you OP. No need for the martyrdom. That would be very annoying indeed.

How the hell is the op being unreasonable?

She's getting married in the place she lives - no pricey Maui trip. Ok it IS overseas for her sister but when you choose to live abroad surely you know family events will not happen on your doorstep.

She's getting married at a time her fiancé is there - ok it's not school holidays but it's difficult to wed when you are in two different countries. The reason he's not there all the time is because he's working - not just working as well but yknow serving his country.

She's asked them to wear trousers - not full dinner suits - and offered to help find them for them. its hardly the actions of a high maintenance bridezilla.

Op it's obviously inconvenient for your sister but it's not like it's being done out of spite or vanity but for very practical reasons, except the minor trouser request which is just good manners.

Yoiur sister is being a massive dick to upset you over it and so are more than a few early posters on this thread.

I haven’t mentioned photographs?

My sister and I were brought up to always be “correct”.

OH and I are a military family and so am known for being quite “glam”.

My sister not bothering with clothes (jeans ffs?) feels disrespectful to us as a couple tbh.