AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

[MrsEight]

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

OP you're not a Bridezilla!

That said, I'd let the jeans thing go. Some of my husband's relatives (adults not kids!) turned up in jeans and t-shirts. The dress code was made clear on the invite and verbally when they asked DH if they "really needed" to wear suits and dresses. These were also the people who traveled the least as we got married within driving distance of their home cities. Everyone else was dressed formally, including family on my side who came in formal traditional dress from my family's country.

On the day they all made comments to DH that they felt a bit silly having dressed down and that they stuck out like sore thumbs in the photos. I had a great day and they felt like idiots, so not a loss for me!

Atlantic, that's very likely the conversation she had with her mum re dates. If you want people there with chidren them pick a date that coincides with the thirteen weeks they have off school. You can't moan that they respect their child's education more and don't think it's worth missing.

Different as adults as you can decide for yourself if it's worth a day of annual leave.

i think a lot of posters on this thread don't actually understand/live/ want any family dynamics beyond themselves and their children

I agree.* It’s like once they have their own kids then wider (and I hardly mean extended family, I’m talking siblings) just don’t matter any more eg I’d happily miss my sister’s wedding so that my child doesn’t have to wear a pair of trousers instead of jeans for half a day. Ludicrous.*

Doesn’t it cross their minds though, that they most certainly won’t want their own kids to behave like that and just bugger off into the sunset once they’re settled adults, ignoring siblings, aunts and caring nor one jot for their parents’ feelings.** Because they might find that what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander

I can only apologise for the bold fail. It keeps doing that on my phone even though it looks perfect when I hit “post””

YellowMakesMeSmile did you read the bit where the op says that her fiancé is in the forces and will be sway over the summer? So by your logic she’s faced with choosing between having her nephews there, or the groom

*away.

I need more coffee

My 2 boys wore jeans to a wedding (they were 8 and 10). Smart jeans but definitely not anything approaching a suit look. They looked fine (to me) but I'm now wondering whether I committed a huge faux pas. I just don't get dressing up - hate it, hate shopping and am crap at it. It's this sort of thing that would make me refuse a wedding invite.

Sirzy The ferries from Dunkirk and Calais to Dover mean there is a boat every hour during the day and night. If you book in advance it is about £58 return for a car and the passengers inclusive. If you rock up early for DFDS they put you on the earlier ferry, and if you miss yours, they put you on the later one.

If the nephews are in an International school, there is normally no issue on taking them out unless it's during an exam year.

OP Good luck and best wishes for your wedding and life together. We had to organise our wedding in six weeks from start to finish as otherwise dh would have been at sea and no chance of a wedding for another 18 months. My Mum was not happy! Given she was an RN wife as well, I thought she'd understand. I wish both of you much joy.

Yellow
Of course you are right. Op should have had the wedding in the school holidays to suit her sister.
The invite should have read "Please come to my wedding on x date. Of course it won't be a proper wedding due to the fact that my groom will be abroad serving his country with his regiment but it suits you so will have to overlook that bit and just do it without him. Bit of an expense for nothing but hey ho you are more important apparently"

But scary that isn’t everyone locals Port so that is only useful if they are easily accessible really

@YellowMakesMeSmile it wouldn’t be much of a wedding without the groom

Sirzy The OP said that her sister lived close to Holland....Belgium perhaps? Dunkirk is the port used by lots of us who live in Belgium. I have multi trip tickets with DFDS as I am back and forth from Brussels to the UK every couple of months. Others use Calais. It's a 2 hour drive to Dunkirk for me, and the ferry is used by cars with Dutch registrations, German, Swiss, Brit, Polish, Latvian, Lithuanian, Italian, Austrian, Romanian etc. Getting back to UK from near Holland is not difficult.

The sis could also go overnight from Holland if the wedding is in the North of England.

The sis could also use the Eurotunnel, or Eurostar. If I have managed to get back to the UK since 2006 without flying home, then there are options, and they are not expensive. Dover is not particularly convenient for me in UK terms but easier to drive from the Devon/ Cornwall borders to Dover than trek through France going to Roscoff from Plymouth or to Santander and back to Belgium.

Sirzy A port is where it is due to geography. There are a myriad of ways to get back to the UK from near Holland, but all of them going over or under the Channel. If you choose the ferry, that means you need to get to a port, and Dunkirk and Calais are the main cross channel ferry ports for Northern France, Belgium, the NL, Germany, and Eastern Europe. Dunkirk/Calais to Dover is evidently the most commercially viable route for DFDS and P&O, hence they run from there.

I live abroad, so my responsibility to get back for funerals, significant birthdays, weddings etc. It isn't difficult, expensive, or rocket science if you have advance warning ( and equally, if you don't). We've been doing it since ds was 10, (he is 22 next week), so don't give me the too difficult or expensive stuff, as it is neither.

@scaryteacher
Also Dieppe to Newhaven- easy!

Near Holland means Belgium or Germany....so Dunkirk then.

Hoek van Holland to Harwich overnight, wake up in England

Willow -

Eight - you know YANBU, you know that your sister is trying to play down your wedding for her own ends. You have said that she is like this and your parents pander to her, so please stop fretting about her ridiculous attitude and let her do whatever she's going to.

She's the one who is going to end up looking like a birrova dick, so you just smile and be gracious, whatever she does, and take the wind out of her sails.

So OP, how have you left it with your sister?

Personally I'd be minded to say 'I've invited you and your family to my wedding, it's formal attire and the date is set, if you can come with good heart and good grace and represent your family at my wedding, fabulous. HOWEVER..If you are coming reluctantly, intent on demonstrating contempt for my wedding by moaning, dressing your kids in casual clothes and swooping in and out to spend the bare minimum of time with us as some kind of a point as appears to me you are doing, PLEASE feel free to decline my invitation because I'd rather you were here and happy for me. If you can't be happy for me, then I'm happy for you to stay home.'

OP are her dc in the wedding party? If so that's supposed to be your responsibility to cloth them in wedding attire if not then smart clothing is required even if it's school trousers.

For my sister's wedding i would let my kids miss a day or two of school but that's her decision and I know some people feel strongly about this.

I would be very very excited about my sibling's wedding. In fact it would probably be one of the most important and special days of my life bar my own wedding/childrens births etc. I would enjoy choosing outfits for myself and my kids and wouldn't mind the expense at all. I would probably have saved up for it! Obviously if money is more of an issue than you realise that makes it slightly harder but they could wear their school uniform trousers or buy a pair from charity shop/ebay. No excuse for jeans and the fact that she is making the comments about the expense and asking you about jeans suggests she is begrudgung of every effort and penny spent. This is a massive pity but definitely not you being bridezilla! Sorry she's being like this and hope you manage to have a lovely wedding day despite all her nonsense.

Also if you move to a different country to the one you grew up in surely you expect to make the effort and foot the bill to travel back for family events. This really doesn't count as an inconvenient overseas wedding the way some people are suggesting.

OP are her dc in the wedding party? If so that's supposed to be your responsibility to cloth them in wedding attire if not then smart clothing is required even if it's school trousers.* *

I doubt the nephews have “school trousers” in the country they live in uniform is not the norm.* But the op has repeatedly said that buying a couple of pairs of trousers is not without her sister’s financial capacity.*

I had someone being a pain in the arse about our wedding and asked for Mumsnet advice. Someone much wiser than me said that although the individual bits of behaviour could be forgivable, it's the intent that's really upsetting because weddings are touch points in your life which you want to share with the people who love and are important to you. So it's not the moaning about the jeans that's the issue, it's realising that you are an inconvenience in your sister's life when you have always made her a priority.

YADNBU I had a similar situation for my wedding. I ended up saying to my sibling - I really don’t think you want to come, for once this is mine and my OH’s day and we’d rather you didn’t attend than feel like you have to and also I won’t accept you adding any stress to my arrangements.

Once I’d said that things were much better.

Whatever you decide to do OP, make sure it’s what you and your OH want, not anybody else, as you’ve said it’s critical that your H2B is there, try and be assertive, then move on, if they turn up in jeans then it won’t be you people are looking at it’ll be your sister - maybe that’s why she’s doing it?

I’m sure everyone will make sure it’s your day, don’t worry about others.

Very best of luck and I hope you can get to the part of enjoying your planning of your wedding very soon

On lunch so jumped from page 2 to say why don't you offer to buy some trousers for them, plain grey school style will blend in anywhere and cost about £8 each? Problem will go away for less than a £10 each. Ask her what size they are. If she continues to be a moo there is nothing to be done except take a deep breath and only look her dcs from the head upwards on the day and enjoy it. If they look scruffy that reflects on her not you. We had black eyes and cut faces on our wedding photos, looked like aftermath of a brawl but was in fact due to near death accident and we were honoured to have the person make the effort when he should have been in bed

My grandfather took a half day off, got married to my grandmother, went back to work for the rest of the day.

They were happily married for 52 years and produced two children.

My point is getting married is the easy bit. Staying married happily is the real thing to celebrate.

So don't worry too much about the day, what people are wearing,. etc.
You have got your man, so just have a lovely fun time, OP.