AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

[MrsEight]

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

Fair enough.

How very dare you organise your wedding for when your husband can actually be there, in your home country and think jeans or joggers are not really suitable attire for your nephew's!

Some of the responses on here, Jesus Christ

I'd tell her if it's too much trouble to come to her sisters wedding to stay at home and you'll email her some photos.

Oh thank god for all the YANBU posts now!!
There is bloody sanity! Please tell me you’re reading still OP and take heart!

I cannot believe th harsh responses that OP is getting here! Your Dsis is being incredibly unreasonable! This is not an overseas wedding, you are getting married at home, she has moved overseas. It is a disgrace to ask if they can wear jeans, that is not appropriate at any wedding, never mind your aunties and for such a special occasion then I don't think it is a big deal to miss a day or two of school.

Is she jealous of you? She sounds unsupportive and selfish.

YANBU

Sometimes I feel she is pissed off she’s not going to be the only “smug married” and she doesn’t like that I am no longer on a down footer

Come on OP - you know she's trying to piss on your parade/rain on your sunshine.
Question is - why are you not being blunt with her?

I wouldn't want my sibling doing a reading at my wedding if this was their attitude.
In fact, i already know my narc sibling will go out of her way to spoil/ruin my big day hence she won't ever be getting an invite.

What will you do if she turns up with her dc dressed like it's 'just another normal day'?

You need to take the bull by the horns and be very upfront and honest with her about your boundaries and her lack of respect.
Personally, i'd be telling her if she 'can't be bothered' and it's such a big faff for her - then she's no longer invited.
Tell/remind her that you didn't behave like this over her wedding!
Or, if she turns up with them dressed in jeans - they will not be included in the official photographs.

One way or another she seems determined to spoil/ruin your special day - don't let her.
Ignore the british stiff upper lip and be frank with her.

If I ever say anything it turns into a massive row and my parents beg me to keep the peace and my DSIS says I am “over sensitive”.

Actually having counselling atm and it’s coming up a lot.

I feel she’s a bit of a bully actually and my parents will do what they can to placate her.

"I really really wanted the groom to attend the wedding - which is why we booked the date we did."

pmsl, OP earnt a Gold Star with that retort.

Explain the problem to photographer carefully about the kids' jeans & get them positioned appropriately for the photos (with something in front of their legs). tbh, I think you're being a bit Bridezilla in caring so much about your sister's attitude. A Frozen moment if ever there was. Even as I admire how hard you've fought your corner.

Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays

ps: your mother is stirring to have shared that with you. Tsk Tsk.

She was unreasonable to ask about bringing DC in jeans to a formal wedding. I can understand not wanting to take the children out of school. It's not fair of her to make a fuss about the journey- she made the decision to come despite the difficult journey, so she can't really complain about it.

She is not unreasonable to not want to spend a fortune on one day (she may be spending quite a bit on travel, accommodation and so on)- probably a bit insensitive to say so to you though.Perhaps she felt she had to explain herself and made a hash of it? It does make more sense to borrow stuff she knows fits, rather than arrive at yours to find the clothes you offered don't fit.

I would just ignore it. Your mum shouldn't have told you she was moaning- unnecessary and just stirring things up.

I feel she’s a bit of a bully actually and my parents will do what they can to placate her.

About time you stood up to them all then.
This is YOUR wedding - make sure it's a day YOU will be able to remember for all the right reasons.

I think jeans can look lovely with a smart shirt/ waistcoat. They will look fine. I wouldn't care anyway what people wore.

I know it's easier said than done but this is a dynamic that affects all aspects of your life/relationships with family members.

I have the exact same dynamic in mine with my narc sibling - she can yell, scream and verbally abuse a child to their face in front of their parents/others.....yet anybody who 'dares' do anything other than tolerate it is 'too sensitive/a trouble causer/out of order'.

I choose to stand up to that bollocks every single time, and if the end result is that they leave me out of things/i'm persona non grata....well, my life is that much better without their toxic interference.

Be honest OP - would anything your sister had done have been the right thing?

She was worried about the kids missing school, so she found a compromise and decided to make it a shorter trip. This wasn't good enough for you; she obviously didn't care enough, she's being a martyr about it...

She asked if the boys could wear jeans. You said no. Now they won't be. Instead of being pleased that you got what you wanted, you're furious that she even asked the question.

You say it would only cost her a tenner per child to buy them trousers, yet in another post you rejected the suggestion that you buy the trousers because they won't arrive in time to try them on and you won't 'go to the expense' of doing this in case they don't fit. How is it an unacceptable expense for you yet a mere trifle for her? You could easily take them back if they don't fit. You were going to have them as pageboys - surely you were expecting to pay for outfits for them?

I'm afraid you lost me when you made a big thing of how you were 'paying for everyone' and spending your 'hard earned cash' to pay for dinner for 100 people. Who do you think should be paying for your wedding? You talk like paying for their dinner is some kind of lovely treat and they're all being ungrateful sods.

For what it's worth OP you sound lovely and your sister sounds like a real pain in the arse!

Congratulations on your up coming wedding I hope you have an amazing day and as hard as it is try and ignore your sister from what you've said about all you've done to be there for her and you having lost your first DH she should be really happy for you and should be trying to make things a bit easier for you not acting like a bully and trying to make your wedding about her and her family!

Cough are you the sister?

Seriously.* Every other thread about weddings on mn says it’s the couples day. Everyone else should suck it up and join in. But apparently the op had to pander to her dSis’s needs and anxieties. Yeah. Ok.*

No school I know in the countries the OP’s sister is in would turn a hair about missing one or two days for a family wedding.* They are much more sensible than British schools about these things. Though I admit they are not great at* dressing smartly hence the jeans issue

I can only apologise for the bold fail.

Cough are you the sister?

Not unless I've popped out a couple of sons without realising. I'd hope I'd notice

Years down the line you will look back on your wedding day(congratulations)and remember all your loved ones being there.you will smile at the memories and look at the photos being glad your family was with you.you won't care if your nephew's are wearing jeans.

YANBU. Your sister does rather sound like she's feeling put out about the whole wedding, for whatever reason.

I have seen people wear jeans to weddings before, usually disgruntled teens who really didn't want to be there, and not only did they stick out like sore thumbs but their attitude was immediately apparent to everyone as well.

And I know of people who had guests dressed inappropriately, who don't like to look at their wedding photos now (with guests in) because they do look out of place.

It's not difficult to change jeans to chinos or even cords. Your sister is being difficult because she wants to be. If I were your mother, I'd be trying to create a compromise, but you've just said that they always give in to her to keep the peace - and therein lies your problem.

So under those circs and backstory, just suck it up and make sure your nephews are on the end of the line in every photo so you can photoshop a bush in front of their jeans if they look too scruffy.

One of my siblings had all their DC christened at once - they looked fantastic, all dressed up. Their cousins (not mine, I had no DC at that point) turned up in combats and scruffy trainers and ran around the church making noise throughout. Their attire and behaviour were both entirely inappropriate, and people remember that.

I live in France and for my 2nd wedding I was thrilled that anyone came at all from my UK based family. 2 of my siblings and their 5 kids couldn’t come. Fair enough. It’s a 2nd wedding. I’d already had my big day.

Taking my kids out of school for my DNs wedding was fairly complicated. Travel is expensive even if it’s the ferry - 2 x night boat, 2 x2 cabins. We had clothes but that was expensive, DH had to hire appropriate gear, not cheap.

For a 2nd wedding no one owes you anything. Dial down your expectations.

I live in France and for my 2nd wedding I was thrilled that anyone came at all from my UK based family. 2 of my siblings and their 5 kids couldn’t come. Fair enough. It’s a 2nd wedding. I’d already had my big day.

Taking my kids out of school for my DNs wedding was fairly complicated. Travel is expensive even if it’s the ferry - 2 x night boat, 2 x2 cabins. We had clothes but that was expensive, DH had to hire appropriate gear, not cheap.

For a 2nd wedding no one owes you anything. Dial down your expectations.

Sorry but I think you are BU.

I live in France. For my 2nd wedding two of my siblings and they’re 5 kids couldn’t make it. Fair enough. It was my 2nd wedding, everyone had made a huge effort for my first all those years ago.

For my DNs wedding it was a hugely expensive weekend. 2 DDs were bridesmaids, so all 4 kids had to miss a day of school which is very unpopular in their school. We could have been asked to remove them from school permanently. (Very strict private).

From West France only 1 possible ferry timings wise. Ferry nearly over 500€ with 2x2 cabins for the 2 night boats. Arriving at 6 am for school at 8 am after 6 hours sleep not that easy for the kids either.

Clothes we had, apart from DH who had to hire a suit which was expensive.

Add in hair dresser, packing, diesel, present and accommodation etc it cost well over 1500€.

So honestly she’s entitled to bitch to her Mum a bit.

My family is UK so I always make the effort.

Wally that’s what happened at your wedding.** None of those factors apply to the OP’s wedding at all.,