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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

465 replies

MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:01

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow Sad

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” Sad ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

OP posts:
llangennith · 17/10/2017 17:26

The number of people on this thread who think it's ok for anyone (let alone petulant teenagers) to wear jeans to a wedding is ridiculousGrin

HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit · 17/10/2017 17:28

The nephews aren't teenagers though they're in secondary school.

I would say putting a 4 year old in jeans a smart shirt and a little waistcoat was perfectly acceptable for a wedding.

Floellabumbags · 17/10/2017 17:35

Right Mrs you can't change the way your sister behaves but you can put up a little mental fortress and use it to block her out.

It doesn't matter if you have been married before. We were at my best friend's third wedding last year, where I had the huge honour of being one of the witnesses. Wouldn't have missed it for anything. I have to confess that I dressed DS in drainpipe trousers, a funky shirt and bright green converse (he looked proper cute though).

Turquoise123 · 17/10/2017 17:44

I never take my children out of school. If i did it once I could never hold the line again - people see things differently

thewrinklefairy · 17/10/2017 17:44

Attending a family wedding should be a part of young person's life experience - recently took my 4 teens out of school to attend a wedding in a very remote part of Scotland. It was a fantastic opportunity for them to spend time with loads of people who love them ( - and for them to learn how to dress appropriately for the circumstance). It was also a lovely lesson in love and respect in all the different relationships they were witness to.
The only wedding we missed was in the states during GSCEs and A levels - which was a non-starter!

josbd · 17/10/2017 17:45

Blimey. It's the OPs wedding, presumably there was plenty of time to organise smart trousers! She is, imo being selfish and making the day all about how she and kids are being put out. Enjoy your day, and frankly blx to your miserable git of a sis!

choli · 17/10/2017 17:45

Honestly, I think making a fuss over the children's clothes is a bit silly. Will it really ruin the day if they wear jeans?

No doubt you feel that your wedding is the most important day of your life, but realistically you can't expect it to have the same importance for everyone else. Relax and enjoy the day, and don't stress about childrens' clothes.

ptumbi · 17/10/2017 17:53

my parents beg me to keep the peace and my DSIS says I am “over sensitive” - oh god I know all about how that goes! I am NC with my toxic, insensitive, immature and downright vile sister - and I get 'but she's your sister!' (so why doesn't she act like one???) from other family.

My sister for certain will never be invited to my wedding! And that is a great feeling.

TheNewKaren · 17/10/2017 17:54

You are focussing too much on appearances OP.

presentcontinuous · 17/10/2017 17:56

YAAbsolutelyNBU!

My sister, her DH and 2 young kids are flying from the other side of the world for my 2nd wedding. Their eldest is missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year for it. At no stage has she ever complained about any of it, and they are not loaded. And they will be smartly dressed despite living in a very informal country. She is a lovely sister.

Your sister is being very very unreasonable, not to mention rude and selfish.

Hope you have a wonderful day despite her crappy attitude.

WingFling · 17/10/2017 17:57

Actually, I think I'm on your side OP, I would do it for my sister and she for me. It's a shame but sometimes you have to accept other people's priorities are different. Try not to worry too much about it, enjoy your day and try to enjoy having them there.

Oldraver · 17/10/2017 18:04

Your sis is being very U and a PITA, for the simple reason she should not be bothering you with such trivialities in the run up to your wedding..who does that ? I think your mUm should not of passed on the info and should of just told her to get a grip

Jojofjo44 · 17/10/2017 18:30

Ah good old Mumsnet where everyone says that it's OK to wear jeans until someone wants to wear them to their own.

OP yanbu at all. Your sister chose to live abroad so therefore has to understand that there will be extra expense in these scenarios. Two pairs of trousers from Asda when they get here isn't going to break the bank.

Originalfoogirl · 17/10/2017 18:35

I couldn't give a crap what my guests wore, as long as they were comfortable. Our decision to celebrate our marriage with our families and friends was not about having silly rules about what people wore. Or how long they stayed, or how much they spent or how big their gift was or any of the things people get so worked up about.

These are kids, not even teenagers, do you really think it is that much of a problem if they wear jeans. Your sister is travelling a long way, with two young children, to come to your second wedding, and all you can do is bitch that her children might be wearing jeans?

You're in the middle of planning a wedding and you're worrying about that?

Call your sister, tell her you understand how difficult it is for her and thank her for making the effort. She will be your sister way beyond this one day, are you really going to let what two kids wear on one day, spoil your relationship with her? What if your other friends bring their kids in jeans? Or if somebody else turns up just too casual to be in the same room with military uniforms Shock

All that matters is that you end up married and everyone has a good time.

OlennasWimple · 17/10/2017 18:43

You say that you know what's going on in her life because she's your sister, not a random stranger.

And yet she is behaving in a way that is strange and you don't seem able to just call her up and find out what's really going on.

So perhaps there is stuff in her life that you don't know about, which might explain why your wedding isn't the top of her priority list.

(It doesn't excuse her behaviour, but might explain it. And as someone who is the member of the family who lives overseas, I don't like the implication that we should always have to suck it all up and trek back just because we are the ones that had the temerity to go abroad)

SheffieldStealer · 17/10/2017 18:57

Posters banging on about the jeans and whether it's ok to wear them are missing the point.

It's about the sister announcing to her own sister, the bride, that she won't be spending a penny on buying new trousers for her sons because her special day doesn't warrant the expense or the effort. Telling her that in advance, so she has time to think about it in the run up to her wedding.

Rude.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 17/10/2017 19:02

I wouldn't be taking mine out of school for a wedding either, you may do that for your children but others have different views on education and days off.

I think jeans are fine for children not in the actual wedding ceremony, I don't blame her not wanting the expense. To her, it is just one day and you have done this before so she's already had twice the expense of your weddings.

A marriage is about making vows for life, what the guests wear has no bearing on that.

schoolgaterebel · 17/10/2017 19:03

YANBU

It isn’t an overseas wedding, she moved abroad and therefore visiting family and attending special events will normally be at her cost. Par for the course when moving abroad.

Jeans are not acceptable able for a wedding (everyone knows this) I find asking if it would be ok passive aggressive.

Come by for one day is quite rude, but understandable because if school situation. Although missing a day or two (planned in advance) for an aunties wedding is quite acceptable.

OP I think you need to examine why she is trying to downplay your wedding and make it seem unimportant (are you driving the family crazy with bridezilla antics? Grin) fit some reason she is determined to show you that your wedding means very little to her, and acting as if attending is one big chore.

theftbyfinding · 17/10/2017 19:03

This isn't about jeans, it's about your dsis attempting to downplay the significance of your wedding for some reason. A loving, supportive sister would take pleasure in sharing the day and planning all the details with the bride. She seems to want to dismiss your wedding as frippery.

I echo other posters, tell her you don't care what they wear, it's just wonderful she is coming all that way to support you. Watch her wince.

Many, many congratulations too Flowers Wine

schoolgaterebel · 17/10/2017 19:04

So many autocorrects in my post I don’t even know where to start correcting them Blush

DoubleDinghyRapids · 17/10/2017 19:05

Some jeans, teamed with a nice shirt and tie jeans can look quite smart on young children. Weddings I’ve been to have had a mix of younger boys wearing dark jeans, shirt and tie, or plain black trousers and shirt etc.

It depends on the jeans in my opinion, baggy and hanging off the arse? No! A nice cut and colour teamed with nice shoes , and shirt ? I’d say is ok for young boys.

Jeans are more practical for skidding across the dance floor on your knees :)

Fortheloveofcharlotte · 17/10/2017 19:10

How can one day out of school hurt. Its her sisters wedding and family making memories and being together. Op is not bu. What ever the outcome with your sister, I hope you have a fabulous day x

DoubleDinghyRapids · 17/10/2017 19:15

I didn’t take dd out if school for my brothers wedding, it was fine, he understood.

Step brother threw an almighty strop when I said she wouldn’t be having day off, cheeky twat kept thinking he was the one who decided this and even found out dds school and phoned them to request dd be given day off. He was offended when told only parents can request that!

Even if I agreed to day off, he’d have had a hissy fit at me not agreeing to dress my 8 year old dd like a beauty pageant contestant when she’d have been massively upset and uncomfortable, he sent links to nail bars, to otin dresses, images of make up and hair styles, dd would have been smart had I agreed to her attending but he wanted “girly and pretty”, as apparently it’s not “normal” for girls to not enjoy dressing up and I should force her for one day to pretend not to be “butch”

As it happened I didn’t attend his wedding either.

Dustbunny1900 · 17/10/2017 19:15

Tell her not to bother. My sister RUINED my wedding (which was planned around when was convenient for her and DN) and I cried moments before saying my wedding vows. She claims our youngest sister ruined HER wedding

You don't want a petulant resentful family member at your wedding. You want to look back at this day with happiness and memories that make you smile..I remember my wedding with anger. Not worth it

Nothing7 · 17/10/2017 19:29

Wow I’m really surprised that OP is getting less support than her sis. I think her Dsis is definitely being awkward and I think it’s really quite selfish. It never ceases to amaze me how some people think it’s a right to be invited to a wedding rather than a privilege - family or not. She should want to come and enjoy her sisters special day and want it to be perfect. The wedding isn’t about DSIS and it seems she thinks it should be.... I had to laugh at OPs response about wanting her fiancé to be there hence why she had to pick the date. The jeans thing is just a bit provocative I think, just trying to cause confrontation. It’s family so it’s not worth getting in a fall out over it, but she is being a complete dick. I wouldn’t dream of turning up to a wedding in jeans, neither put my kids in them. Each their own in that respect...
I’m not sure what I’d think about taking the kids out of school, haven’t been in that situation but I’m pretty sure I would ask for permission from the school, especially for a sisters wedding.

I know for my wedding my sisters were a little awkward, especially not getting measured for their BM dresses until a week before the wedding...

I was bridesmaid recently, and I did everything I could to help the bride, it was her day. I had an 18 month old and a 4 year old who weren’t invited to the day at all, my hubby was best man. We made arrangements for childcare and I was at the brides at 9am. It was their wish for everyone to be able to relax and not have to worry about their children, and it was their day! (Their daughter went home before the evening too)

For another wedding, my husband was best man, I was due to give birth 2 weeks before the wedding. Baby was late, so at 9 days old we took him on his first flight to Ireland, and paid for 2 nights accommodation - these were very good friends of ours so the effort wasn’t even an issue. We wanted to be there to celebrate with them. I spent most of the night in the lounge area with the baby so it wasn’t noisy for him, and was breast feeding so spent all day with the little one. We have a beautiful picture of the bride holding our little man. The bride and groom made us feel really supported too, ensuring the hotel had facilities for the baby in our room. We didn’t have much money either, I was on maternity! Being invited a wedding is an honour.

I hope you have the day you deserve. I’m sure come the day your sister will get into the swing of things and be really happy for you.