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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about DSIS or am I Bridezilla?

465 replies

MrsEight · 16/10/2017 09:01

I have NC for this I am not a troll.

In a few weeks I get married for the second time.

My sister tbh is being a bit of a cow Sad

She is coming from abroad (within the EU) but arriving 2 hours before the ceremony and leaving first thing the next morning as doesn’t want to take her (not secondary school age) children out of school. Had a bitch to my mum about why I wasn’t getting married during (their) school holidays - my STBOH is in the military and wouldn’t be here then.

In view of the military connection there will be several guests and groom in full military regalia. DSIS messages me asking if it’s ok for her children to come in jeans as have no smart trousers. I suggest this is a little casual as it’s a wedding.

I offer clothes that my own children have grown out of (DSIS is not hard up) she accepts, then declines then says she is borrowing clothes from someone.

Then there is another problem with clothes for the kids (after I ask what colour button holes to order) and I ask if there is some financial difficulty and can I help and she says no she is just trying to avoid spending a fortune on “just one day” Sad ffs it’s my bloody wedding and they are family.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous - it’s a couple of pairs of trousers for two pre teens.

OP posts:
Benedikte2 · 17/10/2017 19:33

I hope that despite everything that your day is one to remember with happiness, OP. I just can't understand those who use every little picky thing as a reason to question the OP's integrity.
Your SiS is being unreasonable/awkward because she can be. She clearly doesn't really want to attend and is trying to take the bloom off your day. She has had plenty of time to plan and it one day off school would have made her trip easier I'm sure she would have arranged it somehow -- a case of where there's a will there's a way, but she clearly would rather moan about the inconvenience. You've done everything you could do to smooth the way but she obviously has issues and you cannot change that. Most families seem to have a PITA, unfortunately. Hopefully venting has made you feel a bit better. Good luck

NoKidsTwoCats · 17/10/2017 19:44

Not sure why you're getting a hard time, OP. Your sister can't decide to move abroad and then complain about family events being a hassle when she has to travel for them. Does she expect everyone to come to her?

She sounds like she's being a pain in the arse but don't think there's much you can do about it. Just don't let it ruin your big day and try to ignore her attitude. At least you know where you stand now.

MsJudgemental · 17/10/2017 19:57

I’d tell her not to bother.

choli · 17/10/2017 20:11

It never ceases to amaze me how some people think it’s a right to be invited to a wedding rather than a privilege - family or not.

It never ceases to amaze me that some people think it's a privilege to be invited to a wedding. Especially when it entails travelling from abroad, with kids, during term time.

OP's sister is making the effort to attend. That should be enough without nitpicking about children's clothes.

smilingontheinside · 17/10/2017 20:15

Bloody hell if you think the OP is being a "bridezilla" you should meet my dil to be. We are taking bets as to how many people will not turn up which may include me and OH . Usher and one bridesmaid no longer coming and another bridesmaid wavering. I'm keeping out of it as much as possible but all sense has gone and it seems to be all about her and not the actual marriage which does include a groom, my son!! OP I am also of the opinion that a wedding outfit should be smart and jeans a no no unless its a casual dress code. God forbid if anyone turns up to our "family" wedding in jeans! Have a fab day and ignore you sis they are a pain in the arse anyway

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 17/10/2017 20:17

Only read 100 posts but my god you sound like hard work OP.

Yes - you are a brideziller

NoKidsTwoCats · 17/10/2017 20:23

Am I missing something? I don't think 'please don't wear jeans' or 'please don't have an attitude about coming' are particularly bridezilla-ish. I think some people need to meet an actual bridezilla!

Original poster
MrsEight · 17/10/2017 20:24

Peppa

Was it the bit when I said I really really wanted the groom to be able to attend the wedding.....? Hmm

OP posts:
Farrah87 · 17/10/2017 21:12

YANBU AT ALL...!!! Your sister sounds like a knob and I can't believe you're getting so much flack for being justifiable upset with her bitching and moaning about you arranging your wedding when the groom is available and not when best suits her Confused
I wouldn't DREAM of dressing my children in jeans to a wedding unless it specifically stated in the dress code to be 'casual' etc. Weddings are generally smart and people should dress accordingly, especially immediate family.
Yes her sister has to travel overseas but it isn't an overseas wedding - it's in the country OP was born in and lives on, along with all the rest of the guests.
I can't tell if people are just trying to wind you up or not OP because I'm struggling to understand their POV Confused
Anyway try not to let her horrible attitude spoil your day and congratulations in advance, I hope it's an amazing wedding Grin

hilbobaggins · 17/10/2017 21:24

Her behaviour seems to indicate quite strongly that she doesn’t want to come. Whatever’s behind that (and really, how can any of us know) it must make you feel pretty sad and angry. No, you’re not being unreasonable for having those feelings. Try not to let them ruin your wedding.

Liara · 17/10/2017 21:31

If someone told me my dc had to wear something they would not be comfortable in for their wedding, I would be grateful that I had a perfect excuse to give the whole thing a miss.

And yes, I have missed a sibling's wedding in the country we were born in, and I don't regret it. It would have been a major palaver to go there, and it just wasn't worth it for one day (and yes, it is one day).

Original poster
MrsEight · 17/10/2017 21:34

To clarify.

No where have I said she is scared of flying (she isn’t) or the children aren’t comfortable wearing trousers other than jeans (they aren’t).

OP posts:
Nothing7 · 17/10/2017 21:44

It shouldn’t be an “effort”! If DSIS thinks it’s an effort she shouldn’t go!

The wedding is at a time that the OPs husband can do. I can’t see that this was a choice made to p off her DSIS.

I personally think if she has a problem making an effort to travel to see family in the country she is born in then she should either move back or accept that not every family event will be able to revolve around her and not make people feel awkward for not bending over backwards.

If OP IBU for wanting to have her wedding on a day that her fiancé can attend Grin then by the same token her DSIS IBU for moving away to another country .....

So the OP is unreasonable for getting married in her own place of birth due to the cost it will incur in the sister, the fact she didn’t consult with her sisters diary, and for wanting her sister to dress the kids appropriately for her wedding??

Willow2017 · 17/10/2017 22:28

Peppa
Expecting your dsis to come to your wedding after she said she was and had a years notice and not have her kids wearing jeans is hardly in the realms of bridezilla!
Are you reading the same thread?

OP travelled from NZ with two small kids for her sisters wedding, a hop over the channel is hardly a hardship!

Farrah87 · 17/10/2017 22:29

Well said Nothing7..! Wink

helsinkihelen · 17/10/2017 22:35

OP, you really sound like you don't like your sister very much, and it sounds like she's not very nice. So why do you actually want her there? If she's really all the things you say she is, I think you'd have a much nicer day without her there. And it sounds like you have had a really rough ride lately so you absolutely deserve to be surrounded by love. Would it not be better to just ring or email her and say it sounds like it's all a lot of hassle for her so why not send her some cake in the post and save her the trip. It sounds like you want her there more for the principle of her being there than her actual presence. And if she is the way you say she is - she will just piss you off on the day. Seriously. Think about why you actually want her there and whether you would have a better day without her. Fwiw, jeans or arriving late wouldn't bother me if I really wanted them there. X

CoughLaughFart · 17/10/2017 23:19

Is it stupidity or just plain belligerence that is making so many posters say 'Of course no one would EVER wear jeans to a wedding'? Just because you haven't seen it, it doesn't mean it never happens. I've never seen a rhinoceros, but I haven't been on the phone to David Attenborough demanding to know why he made them up. There is also a massive difference between turning up unannounced in jeans and asking whether a child can wear jeans - and borrowing clothes to suit when the bride says 'no' because of her Full Military Regalia Wedding.

deliverdaniel · 17/10/2017 23:40

so surprised at the hard time you have received on this thread OP.

YANBU at all. Especially considering that your previous husband died (so sorry btw), a supportive sister should be delighted that her sister has found happiness again and should be doing everything she can to make this a special day for you. I agree that jeans are inappropriate for most weddings but really this isn't hte point. This is your day and they are not what you want and asking them to wear trousers is a totally reasonable request for one sister to maek of another. A lot of this comes down to tone. Your sister is making you feel as though your wedding is a hassle and an inconvenience (despite the fact that you travelled round the world with a toddler for hers) and that is mean spirited and unsisterly IMO.

Aridane · 18/10/2017 00:33

OP _ definitely not a Bridezilla. Your sister is being a cow, a bit like the goady fuckers on this thread.

With all best wishes for your wedding and married life Flowers

Kokeshi123 · 18/10/2017 03:16

Wearing jeans does seem a bit rude, quite honestly. Can they not just wear smart trousers and a shirt?

KoalaD · 18/10/2017 03:37

Ffs. Dressing your children in jeans for a family wedding is fucking rude if the bride has asked you not to and offered to help you find an alternative.

How is this controversial??

pallisers · 18/10/2017 04:19

I wouldn't be taking mine out of school for a wedding either, you may do that for your children but others have different views on education and days off.

You may prioritise a day of school over your children participating in family celebrations but others have different views on the importance of fostering a love of family and celebration of significant events. When they grow up, I presume you will be fine with your children not attending their siblings' significant celebrations like graduations, weddings, etc.

If someone told me my dc had to wear something they would not be comfortable in for their wedding, I would be grateful that I had a perfect excuse to give the whole thing a miss.

Like a pair of trousers instead of jeans? You do realise your children will grow up to join the adults in a world where you sometimes wear occasion-appropriate clothing? That choice of clothing is sometimes about marking the event - bit like serving nicer food than normal at a wedding - why do that? Because it marks a special occasion. Same reason people dress up. But maybe your children won't learn that and will be free spirits.

OP, I'd just give up. Tell your sister they should wear whatever they like and don't worry too much more about it. Whatever is going on with her, it isn't concern about your wedding. Enjoy your day.

I was the sister living overseas and I well understood that this meant that I did have to travel/go through a bit of trouble to be at family events.

I think a lot of posters on this thread don't actually understand/live/ want any family dynamics beyond themselves and their children - although I suspect many of them would want their children to be way closer to siblings/parents when they grown up.

KoalaD · 18/10/2017 04:53

I think a lot of posters on this thread don't actually understand/live/ want any family dynamics beyond themselves and their children

I agree. A lot of people on mumsnet seem to aim for very insular lives.

AtlanticWaves · 18/10/2017 06:28

A PP made a good point about a car. If they come by ferry they can bring their own. If they fly they have to hire one which is bloody expensive. Maybe that is what your sis meant about flying being expensive?

I do wonder about your relationship though as you seem to be wound up about two points
1 - the jeans. She asked, you said no, so she said she'd find something different. It's not like they've turned up in jeans. What's the problem?

2- the dates. You said she's been bitching to your mum. Did she? Or did she just happen to mention that it would have been easier for her in the school holidays. Which is a fact. She didn't ask you to change the date. Or refuse to come

IncieWincie · 18/10/2017 06:36

I agree. A lot of people on mumsnet seem to aim for very insular lives

I agree.

I also think a lot of people on MN have lives where they have no control so they post here in order to offload their anger and frustration. I imagine that some of the more robust posters are anything but in real life.

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