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AIBU?

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Original poster

To complain about behaviour of gynaecologist

236 replies

TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 11:36

I know I'm not BU, but I guess I just want to talk this out.

High-profile gynae at private hospital in 2014. Referred to him for chronic pain during sex. Consultation was all fine, nurse present at examination. Without saying anything he pushed his fingers into my vagina, watching my face. When I winced he smirked in a very self-satisfied way. I've never had a Dr look for a pain response ANYWHERE without telling me "let me know if it hurts". And the look on his face - it's like he enjoyed hurting me.

It's bothered me ever since. In a way I don't want him to know that he got to me, and I certainly don't want a pointless apology from him. But I worry that he may be doing worse to other patients.

I did a web search of his name and can't find any complaints - just a few "patient reviews" that sound so OTT as to be fake. I'd feel better I think if I knew others had an issue. If it's the only complaint, it would be a waste of time and he'd get the satisfaction of knowing he bothered me.

Vipers?

OP posts:
brasty · 15/10/2017 12:58

Read Ben Goldacre about how research shows that very attractive women have many more breast examinations carried out by Drs than other women have.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/10/2017 12:58

And the person who suggested that men shouldn't be gynaecologists should be utterly ashamed of themselves.

I agree

Don't be dense.

So come on then OP and name1change12 what other professions do think men shouldn't do?

shouldnthavesaid · 15/10/2017 12:59

I am very phobic of gynaecologists after mistreatment (one had me put my legs over the cotsides and left me biting on a papertowel in severe pain - next day nurse told me I was bruised and bleeding from her 'treatment').

I didn't complain - I wish I had, as her examination skills were very off .

To be fair, most of the gynae treatment I've had has been substandard and would be unacceptable in any other situation (I worked in critical care). Dignity, bodily autonomy and respect is like an afterthought . Private intimate exams are carried out on busy wards or in A&E cubicles. Curtains are left adjar, random people walk in/join and don't introduce themselves. Inappropriate comments about my body are made (your vulva is really strange, I've not seen one like that?) . I actually had one senior consultant say I had to learn to give them 100% control of what happens during these situations. That's not right.

Only 4 times in ten years have I seen a doctor who has treated me with absolute respect, understanding and care .

After 3 years I don't think you're likely to get anywhere. I spoke to my GP who suggested therapy would help me work through it but said a complaint is pointless. She did say I could write a letter to the head of the department with general feedback.

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 15/10/2017 12:59

OP any gynae I have seen has always warned me and narrated the examination. Whilst it is probably pointless in reporting it now please be reassured that he is the one in the wrong. To the PP who said that they will forget what with being present at a birth well then they are in the wrong profession. They are dealing with women who have thoughts and feelings and not just some medical tool.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 12:59

Because, @Greenleaf12345, you were all like "Well, maybe he smiled cos he found the problem!" He didn't find the problem, he found the symptom. And his cocky diagnosis was incorrect.

@Chirpy, I agree. This thread has not helped my feelings about the situation. Gynaes do sexually assault people, but I guess we're all just hysterical wymmins.

OP posts:
brasty · 15/10/2017 12:59

Yes lets all just tell a woman that she was wrong about being sexually assualted shall we?
MN at its fucking worst

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 13:01

@Greenleaf:

"If you smirk, you smile in an unpleasant way, often because you believe that you have gained an advantage over someone else or know something that they do not know." - From the Collins English Dictionary.

I was 31.

OP posts:
Thymeout · 15/10/2017 13:03

Apart from 'just a small scratch' when they give you an injection, I've never known a doc warn me in advance that it might be painful. And I've had far too many internals, with or without instruments, for comfort. I regularly have transvaginal ultrasounds.

I think if they told a new patient 'this might hurt', she would instinctively tense her muscles and it would hurt more. I agree with pp, that sometimes they smile when you react to pressure on a certain spot. It's because they're pleased they've identified the problem area. It's a sort of 'oh yes, I'm right. That's what I thought...' reaction.

I do sympathise with you, OP. I hate internals. And if you have related issues in your past, it must be very distressing for you, in particular. But, seriously, this is a not a complaint that can be verified, especially at this distance in time, as it depends entirely on your perception of his facial expression.

Why not write a review, if you felt he should have warned you? Tho' as I say, there is a reason for that. But I don't think you'll be taken seriously if you maintain he's on some sort of sexual power-trip.

shouldnthavesaid · 15/10/2017 13:03

Female gynaecologists can be far worse - 'we all have period pain, we don't all demand strong painkillers and visit the doctor every month' whilst I was projectile vomiting and rolling around the bed.

At least a man can't tell you his personal experience of a smear test was fine so yours should be too ...

Iris65 · 15/10/2017 13:03

Often painful past events re-emerge and become a focus when the person is going through other difficulties.
It doesn't invalidate your feelings about the event but perhaps a more useful question would be why has it become an issue now?
Sometimes it can be really helpful to think about what is going on in your life right now and how you are dealing with them.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 13:04

@Piglet: So come on then OP and name1change12 what other professions do think men shouldn't do?

GF. I never ever said that. At all. So don't be a GF, GF.

OP posts:
JoanneCoften · 15/10/2017 13:07

Bloody hell, what an awful thread! OP feels violated, cue pile on to dismiss her feelings because ffs he's a doctor HmmConfused

I've never had any invasive procedure without being talked through what will happen, and prior warning when anything is about to be done - isn't his standard behaviour from professionals?

OP I would complain, I don't think it matters that it's three years ago tbh, I think giving some feedback would help you, and you never know, it may help to build up a bigger picture if this kind of thing happens regularly. Also, it's not uncommon for cases to,be brought up a long time after an event, because I women are so conditioned to accept terrible treatment that we question ourselves when something doesn't feel right.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 13:07

I think if they told a new patient 'this might hurt', she would instinctively tense her muscles and it would hurt more. I agree with pp, that sometimes they smile when you react to pressure on a certain spot. It's because they're pleased they've identified the problem area. It's a sort of 'oh yes, I'm right. That's what I thought...' reaction.

For fuckity fuckity fucking fuck's sake. I didn't want a WARNING. The normal reaction is to say "tell me if this hurts" because some people do not show pain on their faces, or react to it. They tough it out specifically BECAUSE they know an examination is going to be painful. So if the Dr is LOOKING for a pain reaction it makes sense to say so.

Jesus Titty-fucking Christ.

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/10/2017 13:07

So don't be a GF

I'm not the one being a GF.

I have to have very regular gynae appointments. Female gynaes imo are worse than men.

Greenleaf54321 · 15/10/2017 13:07

This reply has been deleted

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Somewherethatsgreen · 15/10/2017 13:08

Really? name1change12 most definitely did. I too am waiting for a list. I mean following this narrative any man going into teaching should be suspect. Any woman in urology? Any doctor who catheterises or does rectal exams (all of them...)? Or should we really just make it a blanket thing of any man or woman working with patients or children who probably has ulterior motives? Oh wait sorry, not saying it's ALL of them....

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 13:08

Thanks @Joanne x

OP posts:
Elendon · 15/10/2017 13:09

I believe you OP, you said he smirked and you felt incredibly uncomfortable with the examination. I would have a word with the nurse in charge and ask not to see him again and give the reason why. Be calm as you possibly can. This is your health and your body.

I've requested in the past not to see a consultant because I felt his attitude was incredibly negative and this request was indeed granted.

Please be assured that you are believed. Flowers

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 15/10/2017 13:09

They don't need to say it will be painful just say I'm starting the examination.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 13:11

Oh, yes, @Greenleaf12345. You're quite right. I am nothing but a hysterical, histrionic, aggressive, crazy woman, so therefore my account is completely unreliable. I should react calmly and non-confrontationally in the face of people telling me they have no idea what I'm complaining about or I'm misinterpreting it or whatevs. Thank you for showing me the light!

Fucking MRA bingo here.

OP posts:
Greenleaf54321 · 15/10/2017 13:11

This reply has been deleted

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chirpyburbycheapsheep · 15/10/2017 13:11

Ten I am sorry the responses have made you feel worse. I know I would have been deeply upset to read them if I had written about my experience (and it's upsetting reading anyway). I do think that a basic level of respect and empathy should not be too much to ask. I had a gynaecologist once who, knowing I was in extreme pain, reassured me she would not be doing an internal and talked me through step by step the examination she did do (this was after another gynae shoved a speculum up and I nearly passed out). Sadly the medical system doesn't help set up an empathetic way of relating to patients and this allows those doctors who feel the need to abuse their power to slip through the net very very easily and can reduce you to feeling awful with a single smirk.

I think it would help to train all doctors to understand the vast power imbalance and feeling of vulnerability those visiting them have though where the resources for that would come from I don't really know

Flowers
JoanneCoften · 15/10/2017 13:12

I'm warned before the GP uses a stethoscope ffs "this may be a bit cold", it's not unreasonable to expect a bit of warning before a dr inserts fingers into your vagina.

Original poster
TenForward82 · 15/10/2017 13:12

Really? name1change12 most definitely did. I too am waiting for a list. I mean following this narrative any man going into teaching should be suspect. Any woman in urology? Any doctor who catheterises or does rectal exams (all of them...)? Or should we really just make it a blanket thing of any man or woman working with patients or children who probably has ulterior motives? Oh wait sorry, not saying it's ALL of them....

Goady fuckkkkkker .... goady fuuuuuuucker ...

OP posts:
AnUtterIdiot · 15/10/2017 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.