Nursery debate

[Adviceplease360]

For the past few days, there have been a number of threads about nurseries and the pros and cons. Personally, I am not keen on nurseries for under 3's and after 3 for 15 hours. What does everyone else think?

None of mine went to nursery. I had children because I wanted to raise them and be with them. I guess we don't all feel the same which is fine. I do always feel sorry for these poor babies that go from 6 months though :(

I never swear on here even though we are allowed to.

But that post Is just Bollocks!

Both of mine at nursery 5 days a week, 8.30-6pm. Because my husband and I have full-time jobs. Part-time is not an option.

I felt sad when I put my first in there, worrying how she'd cope after her first year at home with me. But she loved it. DS is the same. They love the staff, love the nursery, have so many friends they play with every day. And I'm not kidding myself, before you suggest that - I would have swapped for a childminder or a nanny if I thought that would be preferable, but I see how happy nursery has made them.

I'm sure there are crap nurseries where they don't get well looked after, but I'm lucky with mine.

I had children because I wanted to raise them and be with them. I guess we don't all feel the same which is fine. I do always feel sorry for these poor babies that go from 6 months though

what an absolutely VILE thing to say. Please - be very ashamed of yourself for even thinking this nevermind writing it down. So I've had two children I didn't want to raise did I? I don't want to be with my children do I? What absolute garbage. Your comment is one of the worst I've read on mumsnet - and there are some vile ones.

Gamma so they won't be going to school or play dates or to relatives then either?? Somehow I doubt it.

Nursery doesn't raise children, parents do. Those parents are both providing and raising for their children whereas you opt out of the providing and leave it to someone else. Funny how you didn't want somebody else to care for them but are happy for someone else to pay for both them and you.

None of mine went to nursery. I had children because I wanted to raise them and be with them. I guess we don't all feel the same which is fine. I do always feel sorry for these poor babies that go from 6 months though :(

Bully for you 👍🏻

My now 5 yo went to nursery 3.5 days increasing to 4 days from 8 months. Do you know it was the best thing we could ever do. We had no family support. The nursery was amazing. We are still friends with many of the staff 2 years after we left, they still ask after our DS, comment on Facebook and are so pleased when we go back to visit. You know the phrase it takes a village to raise a child is not empty words. any time we were worried about something they supported us. I feel sorry for mums desperately clinging to their child adamant that all their child needs is them. Nurseries replicate a situation where children grow up surrounded by other kids, learning to share and interact with people outside their family. You know what we have ended up with a very secure and happy little boy who can make friends easily. Meanwhile being able to continue our careers means we can afford to live in a really nice area with great schools. Pay for activities our DS wishes to try, not have a stressed out family life worrying about money all the time. Visit places, see different cultures and experience different things. Our DS will grow up knowing what a wide variety of experiences are available for him if he is willing to work for them.

My tuppence worth is as follows:

If you want to be home with the children until they go to school, go for it. Knock yourself out. But there's really no need to go trawling the internet for evidence that supports your view that your way is best to justify your choices to yourself and others.

For what it's worth my understanding is that whether mum/dad/gran/childminder/nursery it's quality that counts above everything.

I do so love these threads when the smug sahms come in and berate the rest of us for doing anything as vulgar as work.

I feel sorry for young children doing longer days in nursery than we do at work. I was lucky enough to be able to take an extra year "career break" after maternity leave & then go back part time so my child does 2 days nursery (and has sooo many benefits of doing so) and 1 day with grandparents. I wouldn't do 5 full times but i am sure everyone just makes what they genuinely believe to be the best choice for their child.

I work full time, my child before starting school went to nursery 4 days a week, 10 hour days. From 6 months old.

He isn't broken, he is neglected. He is compassionate, polite, bright, funny, loving and everything I get up for in the morning, he is also a bit of a handful! But most of all he is MY son.

My son THAT I RAISED.

I didn't have a child so I couldn't bring him up myself, I had a child with my partner and started a family that we raise within our family values.

We don't put work before the welfare of our child, we have brought up our child to value working outside of the home and the benefits that brings, and have had many many conflicting priorities, my son always wins.

That live style is not for everyone, but I know as a working parent, if I said a SAHP was lazy or missing out on life I would be flamed.

My son has a very fulfilled life, but thank you for you concern op, he is very well travelled and been to many places most people could only dream of.

He could also probably tell a lot of people on this thread how horrible and judgmental they are.

He Isnt* neglected oops!

I do so love these threads when the smug sahms come in and berate the rest of us for doing anything as vulgar as work.

They'll be the ones starting threads complaining soon enough that DH has left them with no money, or that they can't get back into the workplace at exactly the same level as they were before after 10 years out, etc. etc.

Full days not full times. Grandparents also pick DS up at 4pm (he starts at 8am) as if he had to stay till 6 he would have every meal in nursery & not have any down time before bed. But i am lucky to have that option.

My DP looks after the kids as much as I do he does more the same amount of cooking and cleaning. He works and studies. I go to University and will also be working once DS Is 6mo old.

He might be working weekends soon, so we will have 2 days a week where we are at home at the same time (although he will be working from home on those days). DD will be at school so she will have holidays with us all together and an hour in the evenings.

These are the sacrifices we are willing to make in order that our children can be in the educational settings of our choice, we can afford to clothe and feed them the way we want to, and so that we can give them all that we are able.

It Is also so that we can further our careers. --May seem selfish but I don’t feel guilty at all.

We share the emotional, practical and financial responsibilities.
I would not want to be a SAHM because my DP is a better housewife than me brilliant Dad and supports me to be a strong independent woman (and he a strong independent man).

I can’t think of a better example to our children than to do our absolute best by them and in our own lives. I will be proud of all of us if we can mostly always do our best, by ourselves and for each other.

I know we are incredibly fortunate to not have to use childcare just yet and have 6mo with DS while he is so small. I would never judge anyone for putting their child in earlier though. We all most of us do our best for our kids, but what that is depends on your individual circumstances.

There is no right and wrong, we are all learning on the job 😊

They'll be the ones starting threads complaining soon enough that DH has left them with no money, or that they can't get back into the workplace at exactly the same level as they were before after 10 years out, etc

That's if they have a DH. I have seen desperately upsetting threads from SAHMs left in the lurch by an unmarried partner and now facing a life on benefits after being turfed out of the home they don't own. It's really tragic, but basically you are not just a parent for the first 3 years of your child's life. You need to think longer term. Working and providing a higher standard of living for your kids throughout their childhood is important too. If you end up in grinding poverty because you gave up work to stay at home for 4 years, any benefit will later be cancelled out by the child missing out on opportunities later on.

When working as a lawyer, I saw women who had been SAHMs reduced to stacking shelves at sainsbury's because they could not get back into PR/marketing or whatever they were in before. There is nothing wrong with working in sainsbury's but these women had ex husbands who were investment bankers. The courts are no longer keen to order anything more than term-maintenance with the expectation of an eventual clean break. So many women don't realise the enormous gamble they are taking by giving up work and it's horrible finding it out when you're sitting in your lawyer's office and get an idea of what your future now looks like. Nearly half of all marriages break down and not a single one of my clients got married expecting to get divorced.

I have also never seen any one start a thread like this who has an actual career.. Or even wants one.

Which is totally fine, that's a person choice, but women who are nurses, doctors, teachers, lawyers, barristers etc etc all deserve to have children ya know..

As with most things it depends on the children. I upped my daughters hours at nursery to 2 full days and 2 half days as the days she was home she was so bored. She was with her dad at home but he was always to busy working and didn't have 'time' to do interesting things with her, she's much happier now

ut women who are nurses, doctors, teachers, lawyers, barristers etc etc all deserve to have children ya know..

Not according to some posters here: if you trained hard for career and are not satisfied wiping noses only, a poster from a few pages back has said 'I would wonder why that woman wanted a child in the first place tbh.'

Woman, know your place

I think that may be simplifying slightly Katharina it's more the fact that if babies are in childcare 50 hours a week out of say 80 waking hours a week then you aren't really seeing your child as much as a nursery key worker which seems a bit unfortunate I think. I'm not sure that there is a solution in the modern world though.

Personally I'm a shift worker so don't need childcare in the same way as others. I also saved enough money before going off on maternity to delay my return so enjoyed 55 weeks off. But I fucking hate work and if I could retire tomorrow I happily would. Not because I dream of being a stay at home mother but because I'm just not very ambitious work-wise!

Imo our current set up absolutely fetishises the first year to three years of a child kids life making mothers feel they should be with their child 24/7 and not leave it even with its own father.
Then when children are 5/6/7 it’s all “get back to work” and “put them in after school club and holiday club”
Women just can’t win.
We all look for our own path through this shit.

Personally I put my ds in Nursery 2 short days a week at 6mo. In order to keep my business running to enable me to work school hours and have flexibility in the school years.

@Unihorn, you sound like you don't like your job.

Don't you think you can enjoy working and still be a great parent?

Because I promise you my child is in school every day and has wrap around care. 7:30 till 6.

I love my son and he feels loved too.

Winebomb I'm sure you can, I've just never enjoyed working. I was top of my year at school and head girl with all A*s etc. I had no passion for anything in particular and never put in any effort though because I didn't need to. I dropped out of university in my second year and just fell into a job. Some people are career-orientated and some see a job as a means to an end I suppose. I don't judge either way!

My DD was in nursery 38 hours a week over 4 days last year. I have no regrets. We both benefited from as did DP and now DS as well now he’s born.

I will never regret that decision.

I do, however, regret using grandparents as childcare the year before. The nursery never tried to claim they had “parented” my DD, but my Mother tried. She became very jealous of DP, very controlling and ended up getting violent and abusive if I would not let her see DD who she felt she had “rights” to as she had looked after her so I could Study.

I now do not speak to her resulting in a big family falling out. She does not see me, DP or DD. She has never met DS. She never will.

I would recommend anyone who thinks family care is always better than that of a professional to seriously consider who crazy their family are and how it may effect the family dynamic.

Well i dont work and i still send my son (2.5yo) to nursery 2 days a week. Because he truly benefits from it. You can post all research you want, but the pure fact in our case is that our son absolutely loves the nursery, thrives there, has made friends that we see outside the nursery etc etc. every morning i take hime, he goes with a big smile and every afternoon i come to pick him up he is showing off what he has been up to, giving hugs and kisses to his little friends and teachers and waiving goodbye. On the way home he sings new songs or tells me about his day using new phrases and words. If that is not benefiting then i dont know what is.
If you dont want to send your child then dont, you can also home school them you know, but dont push these views on me.
And especially no bollocks that boys should be home with their mummies till they are 3. This was the sentence i read in a book 'raising boys' and as soon as i did, i closed the book and dumped it in the bin.

I love my career & I love my daughter. I took 4.5 months off when I had her. We didn't have the luxury of endless maternity leave when I had her and even if we had, I still wouldn't have taken more time off. Her dad & I have split our time off for trips, assemblies, sickness cover and so on and both have successful full time jobs. We couldn't have done it without two great nurseries in her early years. She certainly hasn't suffered and neither has our relationship with her.