... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

"You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better" What a wonderful quote MrsTerryP

You've had some fantastic advice on here OP. MN is wonderful sometimes. Good luck again - You can do it! xxx

There is really no reason to wait two years for you DC to finish uni, really. My parents never got on, it was obvious and I always hoped they would divorce but they didn't. It would have been a relief to me if they had. And it sounds like high time you prioritised yourself. Get a solicitor's appointment asap, like, next week. There is no need to wait there really isn't, a much better life is waiting for you. You can do this in the same style as everything he has benefitted from, quietly and without fuss.

I know someone who was in exactly the same position as you OP. Identical, only it wasn't academia, it was another profession.

She was the promising high flyer when they met at the school - she had all the personality and the talent. He had rich influential parents (influential in said profession).

10 years into the marriage, she was in the same situation as you now. He belittled her, treated her appallingly, treated her like a child who couldn't do anything, had affairs, (only he also constantly badgered her for sex). He also didn't give a fig about their children, and still doesn't.

She is free of him now - I hope you can be free soon too.

I like bananaman's advice too.

He's planning his own exit so I think you should take control and surprise him with your own. How dare he not do anything for you when you do everything for him? Stop this minute with the cooking/cleaning/washing!

You're obviously really bloody clever, really bloody hard working, really bloody resourceful. Think of all you've achieved despite him - a home, an income, your kids, helping your partner be successful in his career.

Now think of all you could do without that bloody waste of space dragging you down.

OP he is wasting your life. He sounds awful, and doesn't seem to love you. You have made his life very comfortable, very nice.

What are you expecting to change? What are you waiting for? For him to utterly destroy you and then leave you behind and merrily start a new life?

You sound like a very resourceful woman - give your self another chance at life, before its wasted. And also do this for your child.

Cash-in values for USS pensions are at a high. Think on.

Just leave as soon as you can.

Get rid of the useless lazy shit and you will find yourself as happy as a sandboy after a while.
I can't believe you suffered this for 2 decades ff's.
I had a similar situation where I built up our whole lives and he did nothing but stay out all night. My life is fabulous without him.
Divorce this cretin.

There is another life for you where you can feel respected and loved for your personality, opinions, humour.

That he should choose (well meekly follow advice from colleague) not to help his child is despicable. Again he had no opinion of his own.

You can start living your life now .... can you increase business side? Get back into academia yourself? Start new hobbies. Widen your circle of friends ? Agree with poster about protecting your finances.

sounds like he has checked out of your marriage. Sounds like he has forgotten how intelligent and resourceful you are.

Time for big girl knickers. Time to get your life back.

We split when kids at uni. I discovered his long term affair. He was waiting it out so he wouldn't have to provide as much for me financially I'd been SAHM for decades. I'm now settled. Happy. Loving relationship. Life is fantastic. DC were and are fine. Time for you now.

Ah this is really sad and I suspect quite complex.

I think your marriage has irretrievably broken down. Neither of you like each other any more and he is barely tolerant.

Yet you’re both clinging on to the wreckage, for whatever reason.

I think your self esteem has been eroded. I wonder if you do all these things for him, even checking for intruders becayse you wish to curry favour with him, that you’re hoping it will somehow change?

I suspect you also look at what he has achieved and then look at what you have and feel inferior, but you’re failing to take into account bringing up your kids and the achievement that is. He is not tolerant or interested, and this adds to your feelings of inferiority. It’s a vicious circle.

Your children are adults now. It doesn’t even seem they live at home any more. You say you will leave in two years, I’m not sure deep down you mean that. I think you need to think about what you really want.and have a discussion with him.

In the meantime develop outside interests, don’t sit and wait for him coming home, cooking his dinner, whatever, pandering to him, start to develop a busy interesting life, and re evaluate as the months go on, you may find you get the confidence to go, or your relationship will re balance.💐

Please end this unhealthy relationship. He is the waste of space, not you. 💐

2 years is a long time when you are being treated this way. Show your DC that you are strong and worth much, much more than this. They KNOW the score. Don't show them it is 'normal' for you to be so much 'less' than him. Besides, he's happy to continue on because the older the children are, the less he'll have to pay out. He'll blindside you before you have a chance if you wait. I can almost guarantee it.

I am a single parent of older children. It was SO much better for all of us and I felt deeply ashamed when I realised just how much they were aware of. I honestly thought I had protected them from our issues.

Rooting for you to turn your life around. This thread is mn at its best.

You say upthread that his colleagues don't have to worry about childcare, can have long lunches and can socialise after work... well so can you. Your kids are at uni. There's no childcare needed, you can have long lunches and socialise in the evening as much as you want. I wonder if you've fallen into a bit of a rut of thinking you have to run around after everyone and you can't choose how to spend your time (unsurprising after so long as the unappreciated babysitter / housekeeper). It's not true anymore. Your dependents have (mostly) flown the nest. And it's not your 'job' to look after your DH.

How long do you have until retirement - 20 years? What do you want to do with that time? Build you business? Get back into academia in one form or another? Do something completely different?

Take some time to work out what you want from your life next. And consult a lawyer about protecting your business, as a PP mentioned.

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!

That is me running round the garden in my nightie, waving my hands in the air and screaming at the top of my voice.

That is how your initial post made me feel.

Please do not stay in this set up. There is a life for you out there. A happy and fulfilled one. Do not stay for the DC, I was brought up in an unhealthy home life and it is not good for the kids it is BAD.

First thing speak to people to get a more balanced view of his cruel behaviour. Women's Aid, counsellor whoever. Speak to a solicitor to see what you are entitled to. Initially you don't have to speak to him about your plans, just start making moves in the background. Once you have a clearer mind perhaps in a few months time give him a fait accompli or he will try to manipulate you to continue the horrible farce you have fallen in to.

I understand you do not want to create turbulence for your DC
They will already have seen the indifference & disrespect he shows you; Time to show them you are better than this, you are a strong, intelligent, individual & not his door mat.
Sadly he may also be having an affair, at the very least he his happier out of the house than at home.
I would tell him that you are filing for a divorce, you are clearly incompatible, he treats you with contempt. You don't NEED him & He doesn't want or respect you. I know after all the years of support you have provided this will be painful, but not as painful as sitting it out for the next 2 years, or the rest of your life.
For him it's simply about getting his laundry done & a vague attachment to a building.

To be honest if you stay for 2 more years you are more than likely to be a full blown alcoholic by then. Please leave now. Your kids will be fine.

Invariably, they either have no DC or have childcare so that they can have a civilised working day with lunches, meetings and drinks and a chat after work

I also find this a confusing statement as it seems your children are adults away at uni. You also say you can’t leave as you want to be around for them.

When you’re children are adults, you really can have your own life back again. You can do all the things child free people do.

Yes if it's two decades since you had small children dependent on you, get out there!

He is the waste of space in your life

and

I don't love you any more, you treat me appallingly and I want a divorce. Shall we sell the house or do you want to buy me out?

^^ this.

OP, life is short. He's not going to change. Get out! You'll be so much happier when you're away from him. What a creep.

You get one life. This is not a practice run. my STBXH was miserable and and I was resentful. Use to think no one else would have him and I can't leave him with two babies. Guess what he had an affair and left me. I lost control. That was five years ago.

Looking back I am in a much better place now than I was 5 years ago. I didn't realise the impact he had on me - making me feel constantly depressed and miserable.

Your children are older. When I was st university I knew my mum was unhappy with my dad. But I ignored it - it was her problem. You know what she died one year after I left uni. I wish she had left him years ago then she would have found some happiness.

I also think you should start taking steps to end this marriage ASAP. Because it strikes me that he is waiting for the 'right moment' to leave you - which will be the moment that he thinks puts you at the greatest disadvantage. Either he is waiting for his latest OW to convince him that she is able to dedicate the rest of her life to serving him, or he's quietly sorting out the finances so he can get away with paying you as little as possible. As PP have said, it might be his idea to wait until the DC are financially independent so he won't have to pay maintenance.

He's vampired up enough of your life already. there's no need to give him the rest of it.

If you said two years until they leave school I could sort of understand. But as your children are actually at university then this deferral is not about them at all, simply an expression of your own fear of leaving.

Your children have their own lives now. They want you to be happy.

Leave sooner. Not yet n two years. Your dcs are going to be formingvthe most significant relationships of their adult lives very soon and you owe it to them to show them that your dh’s behaviours are not acceptable.