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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

424 replies

ShirleyValentineTwo · 12/10/2017 23:17

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

OP posts:
Twofurrycats · 13/10/2017 00:51

'he loves our house and still gets everything done for him'
Living the dream.....
If he wants the house he buys you out.
If he wants everything doing he employs staff.
No need to agree to fuck all then.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2017 00:53

I question the wisdom of waiting two years 'for the sake of the children' since he's apparently eager to abandon one of your children during a period of need. It sounds as if he's not much of a support to them as it is. I doubt very much it would shake their foundations. They may actually be relieved to know their mum has taken a step for independence.

Be that as it may, if you're determined to wait two years then at least use the time to your advantage. Get a thorough understanding of your joint financial position if you don't already have one. See a solicitor to understand what you might expect in the way of a settlement. Think about rebuilding your career (if you need or want to) and the affect it might have on a settlement.

And stop doing so damned much for him. He doesn't appreciate you, he certainly isn't doing his 'husbandly duties' (and I don't mean just sex, I mean appreciation and support) so why are you providing him with domestic services? Let him cook his own meals and do his own laundry. Spend that time on yourself.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/10/2017 01:00

I agree with not doing his washing cooking ec.

"But you moved out of the bedroom so I assumed we were seperated now. I'll do mine, you do yours." smile, walk away....

Nanny0gg · 13/10/2017 01:00

Stop doing everything for him.

Get all your paperwork in order.

Find yourself a Shit Hot Lawyer

Your children are bright enough to be at University, therefore they are bright enough to see what is going on and which parent actually cares about them.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

fullofhope03 · 13/10/2017 01:07

Just as AcrossthePond55 said (above).
Get your 'ducks in a row' as MN say and start planning your new life now. He doesn't need to know a thing yet. Until you are ready to call this it a day.
As an aside - Don't feel for one minute that you need to delay things for your son though. He's an adult now and will have known his entire life what a wonderful person AND Mother you are and what a total shit and apology of a man his Father (in name only) is. All the best of luck to you Flowers xxx

CheshireChat · 13/10/2017 01:12

You don't have to do anything rash, but if you get things ready you can call it quits whenever it suits you.

Also I agree you should be a lot less helpful in general.

fullofhope03 · 13/10/2017 01:21

Sorry, I meant - just what Nanny0gg said. Though AcrossthePond made some very good points too. xx

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 01:25

Thanks all. Sorting "ducks in a row" is probably going to keep me focused on a possible end to this stalemate.

I can't stand to think about what I mess I have let myself become but every time I try and do something to improve myself I just think what's the point? But I do want to be around for DC as much as possible so I need to change.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 13/10/2017 01:26

Why are you doing anything for this knobhead?

Don't cook for him and leave his dirty washing for him to do.

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2017 01:26

Of course he doesn't agree - who sacks their housekeeper when the housekeeper works for free?

I assume your DC loves you? They would want you to live a happy life. Maybe even meet someone who adores and respect you. Certainly for you to be happy.

Can you afford to move to a decent 2 bed? Is your business movable?
Are your finances entwined?

I'd start thinking of this NOW. life is too precious to waste

HeebieJeebies456 · 13/10/2017 01:28

Late nights and moving out of your bedroom sounds like he could be having an affair.
He's taking control of what will happen in the near future - a separation/divorce.

Maybe he's waiting until the dc are fully 'independent' so his claim on the shared assets will be higher than if you still had 'dependents'?
Maybe he feels the 'waiting' is over and is about to throw another curveball at you?

He needs a reality check.....please - outsmart him and wipe that supercilious smile off his face.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/10/2017 01:35

Give me your address & I'll pop around and give you a damn good shake!

Get those Big Girl Pants on and TELL him the gravy train just came to a halt. TELL him your marriage is over. You don't need his permission.

Your DC is at university and no matter how much you think you've hidden your dysfunctional lifestyle, you won't have.

Don't waste another two years with this ungrateful, nasty, pompous, irritating, selfish prick.

Stop making excuses not to leave. You CAN do this 🌷

AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/10/2017 01:40

Of course he's having an affair. It won't be the first time either.

Of course he doesn't want to separate, he gets his laundryndone, the house cleaned, meals cooked and no doubt 101 other 'jobs'.

He'll have told MissNoKnickers that he's staying until the DC has left University, but that he doesn't sleep with his wife. That she doesn't understand him & blah blah blah...

But you know what, it doesn't matter, even if he wasn't having an affair he's no where near good enough for the OP.

Original poster
ShirleyValentineTwo · 13/10/2017 01:41

Before I go, I just remembered something really pathetic that happened a few nights ago. I should draw strength from this as it illustrates what my life has become.

The other night, I was in our double bed, alone. I sleep (try to ) with the door wide open. DH, who has moved into adjoining spare room sleeps with his door firmly shut. He's on his phone or laptop from what I can gather when he's not asleep. Anyway, there was a loud bang, crashing sound from downstairs. I heard DH's panicked voice cry out "what was that?" But he never came out of his room to look. I got up and went down to check - a little scared because it was very loud. The ironing board had fallen over onto hard floor. I went back up and called through DH's shut bedroom door that all was ok.

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 13/10/2017 01:44

Jesus wept love, WHY are you still with him?

SleepingStandingUp · 13/10/2017 01:45

Please OP, let yourself have the life you deserve. Even if you , go out and don't be home in time to wipe his arse cook his tea. Take up dancing or cooking or just go out with friends for cocktails. Visit your DC. Take a holiday abroad alone. Anything. But LIVE

AcrossthePond55 · 13/10/2017 01:46

Don't down yourself! Think of the words of the late Dr Maya Angelou;

"You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better"

And you will.

CoyoteCafe · 13/10/2017 01:55

I can't stand to think about what I mess I have let myself become but every time I try and do something to improve myself I just think what's the point?

You can turn it around. I'm 52, and last March I had a moment of clarity that I had really let myself go. I started working out, I joined WW, I got a new hair cut and color, and I went to a store and had them show me how to apply eye make up. Seven months later I've lost 37 pounds and toned up. I look YEARS younger, and I have more energy.

Part of the point is to really live life. To embrace it. To love yourself. Start imaging the next stage of your life without him. Research trips you'd like to take. I went kayaking with my own uni daughter this summer -- it was amazing.

I'm not doing what I'm doing because of what other people will think, I'm doing it because I realized that I loved myself, and that when you love someone, you take care of them.

CoyoteCafe · 13/10/2017 01:57

Also, start making plans and going out and doing things without him. Whatever is fun for you book club, genealogy club, girls night out whatever. You don't need to be there just holding space for him. Start living your life.

innagazing · 13/10/2017 02:46

You have so much to gain by planning your new amazing life without 'd'h!
I'm another one who questions whether you should wait another two years. It must be so difficult and stodgy living in this situation with him treating you so badly. I don't think it will make such a significant impact on dc whether you separate sooner rather than later, but it will make a huge difference for you!
It's so important that you start putting yourself first in everything now. Start getting out and enjoying life with new and old friends, and find your mojo again!

innagazing · 13/10/2017 02:57

I can't stand to think about what I mess I have let myself become but every time I try and do something to improve myself I just think what's the point? But I do want to be around for DC as much as possible so I need to change.

Don't beat yourself up. Maybe try not to dwell too much on what has already happened, and concentrate on what can be going forward.

I'm a lone parent and my daughter has just gone off to to Uni, and I'm just beginning to rebuild my life too. Our Dc don't need us so much now, and it's time to focus on ourselves now and put our own needs first, and find the inner person we were before we became a parent.

It's a scary thought, but it's also very exciting!

shakingmyhead1 · 13/10/2017 03:01

start making copies of all the financial papers and copies of banking records etc and keep a dairy of the goings on... and as a PP has said i would be suspicious of those late nights separate bedrooms and the closed door thing hes got going on...
and seeing as you are now living like flat mates rather than a married couple... start acting like it, no more waiting on him , no more doing his laundry, no more picking up after him, no more cooking and cleaning....

See a lawyer , you dont have to make a move but at least see what your options are and get real advice on protecting yourself and your assets financially

Sprinklestar · 13/10/2017 03:05

He's so having an affair. Kick him to the curb!

salukish · 13/10/2017 03:08

You've had lots of good advice but just wanted to add to the chorus of leave the bugger. Your university aged kids will have seen how he treats you and you'd be setting them an excellent example of how to respond to crappy treatment - also you'd be able to help them without having to even care what your exH thinks!

keepcalmandfuckon · 13/10/2017 03:13

2 years??! Two years is a bloody long time to put up with this and keep being miserable! Why would you give him 2 more years of your life? It’s madness. Your kids will be fine OP. They are old enough to realise that their mum is treated badly and deserves to be happy. Don’t you think they see your relationship and realise it’s unhealthy, rather than viewing it as stability?