... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

"No GP would say that. You're lying. "

Sorry, but she did (something paraphrased). In saying this, she weighed up a number of factors, such as liver function tests, glucose tolerance, non-smoker, no other meds etc

"Its the half a bottle of wine an evening I don't believe."

I don't mind admitting it can go as high as 3/4 of a bottle.

"Some of the stupid spelling mistakes done early in the evening sounds like much more alcohol than that."

I would say my average spelling errors are less than yours, especially if you include your above "its" and some punctuation problems. However, I do tend to use a smartphone in the evenings and post whilst I'm cooking (more distracted). Right now, I'm on the laptop as I'm doing some admin (still distracted a bit).

"Also - completely forgetting what you've posted."

No, I haven't forgotten what I've posted - maybe you find it hard to follow developing thoughts and difficult to accept people can change their minds.

For example, at the start I was more determined to find a way to leave sooner but after hearing some of the stories, for the moment, I feel continuing down this well-trodden path is the preferable option.

I hope my posts and the replies to them help people weigh up options more thoroughly and not jump to break up relationships - just because they can!

Leave him, don’t leave him Shirley. I don’t think people care that much anymore. You started a thread about how unhappy you are, for loads of great advice and now you are arguing with everyone 😳

shirley, you've gone into major defensive overdrive. completely understandable. but when this thread dies down, you've had a few weeks to let things settle down in your mind and you're back to the same old shitty feelings you had before you started this thread, re-read it again.

i've found when posting intimate info about myself when i needed it became actually painful to read some of the replies.

hang in there. you don't need to make up your mind. you can keep thinking through the possibilities.

Advice has to be examined. Not just taken blindly.

There is a lot of good advice and some analysis here and I hope it helps others.

For this thread, I did name-change as under my usual nick, I often showed something funny to DH that came up here - so I had to change as I don't want to hurt anyone by being outed from what I've openly shared in the past. I tend to be quite open and this has made me feel uncomfortable (feels cloak & dagger-ish).

Plus, I was outspoken a while back, under my username, about one matter I feel strongly about and I didn't want my viewpoint on that to influence this problem with its more common theme. I also briefly (two or three posts) used another nick to post about a subject I felt strongly about but quickly realised I didn't know as much as some very smart posters here and have abandoned that.

I'll go back to my original username, now, and leave Shirley to ponder.

Thanks all.
xx

The OPs later responses actually dont surprise me that much.

She has had the initial shock of treatment that was even worse than the usual, and then after a few days for the shock to fade a little has hit the "but it would impact my life, where would I live, what would I do, what would my friends think".
It's very human to gloss over the bad parts in order for life to carry on as normal, minimise, forget, excuse, numb. "Yes, he derides me and my every comment seems to disgust him, but we have a holiday planned in Crete next year so its not all bad."

This wont be the first or second time shes been through this cycle, it wont be the last.

But you did forget what you posted - about friends and pets, that's why I and others said re-read your posts.
Liver function tests suggests your GP doesn't believe you either.

So you hope the advice on here helps others but it doesn't help you .

The help and support was very specific to you and your situation. I Don't see how you can say that you hope your posts have helped others weigh up their options and not break up their relationships. That is the last thing I would take from this thread I'm afraid.

Aren’t we always being told an abused person can try and fail to leave their partner something like up to 59 times or something?

So it’s not surprising that Op isn’t taking drastic steps right now this instant.

So I drink half a bottle a night waiting for DH to get home whilst I cook ( pretty good meals) but when I mentioned this to my GP she said carry on with what you're doing because the majority of women of your age (50+++) are using must worse as props and you have so far avoided ADs etc

Taking a depressant every night will not keep you off ADs

Wow. Shirley, so you post here, picture a marriage where you get treated as dirt, describe yourself as a woman who would be much better off separating from your husband and then you throw all the advice into posters' faces and decide being an alcoholic in an abusive relationship is so much better?
You are staying in the relationship because you find moving out too much hassle. Fair enough.

I cean completely understand OP not having the guts to leave, or at least stalling, hoping he will have a sudden heart attack that way she will not have to deal with divorce or losing face, or her DC not understanding.
However the snarky, condescending defensiveness is not something we see here usually, I too think we are not told the whole story, & it sounds like there is probably more alcohol history, maybe her husband is fed up coming home to her being drunk, & condescending & sarcastic... Whatever.
Nothing we can do to help as she is bent on being a martyr.

Ah love you need to find the respect for yourself. Your FP no longer has any for you. But you deserve so much more than this.

I bet if you told your dc you were leaving your dp they would be relieved. I don’t believe for one minute that they do not know how he treats you. If they do not know then they should be told the truth.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect both from your partner and your children. Your children will respect your decision to stand up for yourself.

You need to love yourself. Show your kids your strength.

Sorry OP I was frustrated by your flipping from sadness to flippancy so easily. Your decision.

I can completely understand OP not having the guts to leave, or at least stalling,...However the snarky, condescending defensiveness is not something we see here usually

Yeah, I also get not being ready to leave, it is a big decision, but I also find the condescension while refusing to make even one tiny change really odd.

I'm about the same age and at the same stage of life as the OP, and I'm amazed at how much I've changed both my body and my outlook by starting to exercise. I've talked about it before on this thread, but really has made me feel younger and like I have more possibilities. Yet even going to a gym or exercise class of some sort is beneath her.

I can't help but wonder how much the OPer really does drink, since continuing to spend her evenings drinking alone is more important to her than anything else. A drinking problem fits with the condescension, feeling superior (to all of us as well as to lawyers and to counselors), changing her story (alcoholics tend to be liars), and not taking responsibility for her own life.

May be what she really needs is AA.

when I mentioned this to my GP she said carry on with what you're doing because the majority of women of your age (50+++) are using must worse as props and you have so far avoided ADs etc

I highly doubt the veracity of this statement. Unless the GP said to stop, Shirley said no, and the GP said 'carry on then'.

TBH, I'm 50+++ and I neither drink to excess nor do I take ADs. Nor do I use 'worse props' (theoretically, what's a 'worse prop' than alcohol, heroin?). Nor do any of my friends. We deal with life's difficulties (and none of us lead charmed lives) by either solving the problem or getting the hell away from it if we can't! Certainly not by drowning our sorrows with wine, being miserable, and waiting for someone to die so we can be free.

And as far as 'divorced friends are so much more miserable than I am', I highly doubt it. I'm sure they have their troubles. The difference is that they are probably vocal about them whilst Shirley stuffs hers down, drinks, and presents a facade. Pretending you are happy is not the same as being happy.

I think the thing is, that so many women (like Shirley) still expect to voice their misery and just hear a chorus of 'Oh dearie, how horrible for you. You are so brave, you are so wonderful. He is so horrible!!'. Then they can carry on being a martyr filled with self-righteousness, buoyed up by the sympathy and indignation of others. But this isn't the 1950s and these days you're more likely to get sympathy but it's going to be followed immediately by 'so what are you going to do about it and how can we help?'.

I know there are some situations where there really appears to be no way out, but those are few and far between. Those women have my deepest sympathy. But there certainly isn't 'no way out' for a well educated woman with a good business and no small children! I have no sympathy for that whatsoever.

because the majority of women of your age (50+++) are using must worse as props

Speak for yourself.
And I don't recognise any of my friends there either.

@Mix56 - Quite agree.

I agree with Mix56 too. This feels like that sketch seeing as we are all so old with John Cleese, Ronnie Barker, and Ronnie Corbett.
Mr Valentine is John Cleese and he looks down on Shirley
need I go on . . . . .

OP is being very insulting and condescending about what she describes rather patronisingly as 50 +++. Please don’t tar us with the brush you seem to be using. It isn’t a true reflection of reality.

No, it isn't, I agree. Also, I was very happy when my divorce came through.

Shirley, did we say that making such a life change would be easy? No - it’ll be hard and it sounds like this bugger will kick and scream all the way through the divorce and play silly where money and business are concerned. It’ll be a mess.
But at the end of it, it will be SO much better - you’ll be free of this controlling, manipulative egotistical narcissistic to move on and live your own life.
Please have faith in yourself that you CAN do it and you WILL be better off for doing it.

Can you unpack what you would feel guilty about? Is it because he won't manage without you? Because he'll miss you? Because you feel you'll have broken your promise?

broken your promise, what like, "love & cherish till death do us part" ?
thats all very well, but it is purportedly promised by both participants.

As for not managing ? what would he need ? a cleaner ? to clean & do his laundry, & it all ready sounds like he eats constantly, & I'm sure this mythical academic, could stick a pie in the microwave...

Now feeling guilty re young children would ba another whole ball park, but DC are not young & will be very much aware of the family "malaise",
& probably more than delighted to get out of the oppressive atmosphere.

eats out.... sorry

Yes, I was going to subtly lead up to those points, Mix, but you got ahead of me.