... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

Think of the words of the late Dr Maya Angelou;

"You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better"

Yes indeed.

Take a good look in the mirror. You were more successful than he in your chosen career. You were so good in both your careers you had a choice between your business and academia. He’s not in awe of you, no problem but deep down he’s probably an insecure little boy. And sees you as a threat.

See yourself for what you truly are lady and kick this sorry dick to the curb. Your dc doesn’t need 2 more years of false stability. And if they then decide to do a PhD, what then? You stay for another 5 years. No no no. Ducks in a row. All financial information photocopied and a shit hot lawyer.

OP, my mother could have written your post (30 years ago). She has been free from the emotional abuse for about 23 years.

I actually think it is good that you have 2 years to get yourself out of this situation.

If I were you:
(1) Before you go anywhere near a family lawyer, get to a good general (i.e. commercial) lawyer. See if there is any way to protect money / assets.

(2) Eg seek advice on how to set up a new structure for your business - so that the business is distanced from you. I am not in the UK, but over here a new private company (use trusted friends as directors / shareholders) and a family trust - or something similar? Beneficiaries of the family trust should be your children - not you!

(3) Implement the new structure. Pay yourself a minimal 'salary'. Put the rest somewhere safe - keep it in the trust name.

(4) Pull yourself together, and if I were you, actively look for a replacement husband. Consider yourself separated and get on with it.

All the best, I hope it works out.

And, from watching my parents relationship deteriorate and then end, don't expect your husband to behave well. He is probably an egotistical male - so common in universities. Your best revenge is to quietly replace him with minimal financial damage.

There are so many reasons that you were the more successful academic than him. They're the same reasons that you are a brilliant mother. They're the same reasons why you are an amazing woman, mother AND academic today (unless all those articles you wrote magically grew legs and unpublished themselves).

I hope you're having a restful sleep OP because when you wake up you need to take a long hard look in the mirror and see the amazing woman there.

2 more years of unhappiness? You could be out there happy and living your life. Nothing is going to change in 2 years. Why not go now?

Take a good look in the mirror. You were more successful than he in your chosen career. You were so good in both your careers you had a choice between your business and academia

There are so many reasons that you were the more successful academic than him. They're the same reasons that you are a brilliant mother. They're the same reasons why you are an amazing woman, mother AND academic today

Really you are ten times superior to him, OP, even if he looks like an Adonis and you have "let yourself go". He sounds like just the type of academic I hate, and I work with a few of them.

Once he is out of your life you will take off again.

Threads like this always confuse me. How do such intelligent women make such foolish choices?

There is absolutely no reason in the world why you "have" to stay in this situation at all. I am not suggesting that it is easy to change a habit of many years by ridding your home of toxic waste i.e. your husband, but nor is it necessary to wait months or years.

Suppose you were diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 months from now. Would you be glad you had hung in there with a partner who loathes you? Or would you wish you had taken the opportunity to enjoy your life?

There is nothing noble in staying in a toxic relationship. It really is a fool's game.

About the ironing board incident; he is a frightened little mouse while you are the strong one.

Please start planning your escape now. Then go and enjoy your life. Life is short and meant to be enjoyed.

What Pyong said.
Plus - uni life not that civilised I can assure you! But that's beside the point...

Yr DC have substantially left home & are living independently. They won't be unaffected but they must be aware how things are between you & H and will probably want you to get away from him :)

Stop drinking... It's bringing you down. Instead, be out of the house when he gets home. Don't offer explanations. Don't cook for him or do his laundry.

Spend your evenings getting your ducks in a row, even if you just go to a cafe and sit with a pad of paper, writing down your plans.

How he is treating you is cold contemptuous and cruel.
Plan your escape and leave him.
Your DCs will be FINE. If I were you I would leave sooner rather than later, before your DCs are in their final year and have all the pressures of final exams/thesis writing etc on them. First or second year is the best time.
They are adults and have a support network round them of their peers who will get them through. You never know they might totally agree it's the best thing for you to leave their dad. I bet they have seen how poorly he treats you.
Why not enroll on a course yourself? Or get involved in a research group? Take time to build your self esteem back up- it reads like that bastard has stripped you of it. Good luck.

You need to leave. Asap.

Women with no income, witj young dcs and nowhere to go manage it.

You have options. Don't waste those options feeling sorry for yourself in a bottle of wine.

That is harsh I know. But you need to leave while your dcs are at uni because once they are done there will be some other reason to stay.

You chose to push for the house to do all the housework to try for a baby when he was less keen to become a SAHM. He sounds a right tosser but I think you've always known what he was like in reality but wanted to pretend to yourself he was different. Now he has made it really clear how he feels and this will probably get even worse may be now is the time to concede defeat. You may be pleasantly surprised by your new single life and may meet someone who lives up more to your ideals.

Agree with everyone else. Do not wait 2 years. DC at uni now.
Stop doing things for husband e.g. Laundry, dinner etc. Live separate lives and get everything in order to leave. You are worth so much more. Much better to be single and happy than married and unhappy and made to feel worthless. 💐

Stop waiting in for him, Shirley.Do not cook for the ungrateful bellend either. Go out and see a film, go & visit family, go to yoga or something in the evening. Waiting for someone to come home when you have no idea when that will be is soul destroying. Maybe he'll be happier to go separate ways when there's no dinner and no laundry. Take on more paid work too and if you don't have a bank account in your own name, set one up.

I wonder if getting help for the drinking might be a good first step? It's a depressant so as well as using it to self-medicate, it's going to be making you feel worse.

You did not create this monster. Lots of women end up being SAHM and are NOT taken advantage of in the way he has. It's him.

..... and yes all those practical things Bananamanfan suggests

Laughing

I don't know how your musing on this is helpful to the OP.

Good luck OP, you deserve a happy life away fro this waste of space. Don't waste two years, use them wisely to prepare for the next phase of your happier life

i echo everyone else. you hold all the cards here you know.

You deserve more. You are as important as he is. He is not being kind to you. Agree that it is time for you to make your plans. You can do it .

Notagain don’t fret, the op is intelligent, she will get it

2 years is still a long time, way longer than what he deserves, but if you're dead set on it, use it to your advantage. Save up what you can (it can't make that much of an impact if he's that well established... tosser). Bit of a weird suggestion but depending on your business (you know, YOURS, that thing you created on your own), is it possible to maybe start taking that away from the house? Have an area that isn't in the place of all the heartache and re-establish yourself a bit - make it your area and your time.

I think this is the thing, he's looking down his nose at you because he's that insecure that he needs to try and tell himself that he's better. The whole thing with the ironing board shows that. He's not actually a big shot, he's looking at you to look after him. He damn well knows that you were still more successful in academia than he is now.

He actually said that he doesn't want to split up because of the house, not you, just because of the property and belongings, and that's vile. I'll let you into a secret, you are not property; you are a person who had a choice between two jobs, who had success in her role and off her own back. Who gave and wanted nothing in return. That person is still there, and it's all you.

Oh and the point? Because you deserve a thousand times more than what you're getting. You are allowed happiness, and in the long run this is what will give your children more stability. No-one deserves to be miserable through no fault of their own.