... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

They are more likely to learn that some people prefer to be a martyr than to actually do something to improve the world. Women are subservient to men is the other obvious one.

It doesn't really matter though because it will be a moot point in a few months time when he's living with the OW.

I don't think its fair to take the harsh tone some of the posters on here have taken.

A poster starts a thread as a place to vent or work through things or ask for help.

Just because they arent responding the way you want shouldn't give you the right to be biting or goad them or express frustration with them.

Just ignore the thread if they grate on you, but their life isnt a soap for you to have a role in writing.

I dont understand some of the vitriol.

...and what lessons are they learning from the DF?

*their DF

Oh really Shirley, its not supposed to be about duty & martyrom.
It seems likely the model have have had is one of men who mal treats debase the woman at home......
You sound like a a follower of Opus Dei, self harm & suffering for God, or, in this case your master.

"Options, endurance, hard work" are part of most normal growing up processes, but auto flagellation is another model all together.
There are many women on here who are badly treated, most of them are battered emotionally, or financially unable to escape the bully involved. Happily for you, you have financial options, You simply seem to want to stay for the glory of suffering & self harm

Shirley,

I really hope that you find a counselor to talk to. In your later post you said better, but in some of your earlier post you sound very, very depressed. I'm worried about you. I'm worried about your emotional health right now, and I'm concerned that it could be very rough for you if something else happens with your husband.

I know that you haven't gotten what you want from the thread, but I hope that you find a counselor to talk who can help you and give you what you need.

Peace

I'd replace F with Inertia. And that is not meant as a criticism; impulsivity is one of my own biggest character flaws, so I'm hardly in a position to judge the opposite.

The problem is, you don't have an awful life, do you? He's awful. The marriage is dead. But the rest is okay. And because it died slowly, over time, you've never had that tipping point moment where it became unbearable.

I suppose my question is: why do you want to stay? Why waste so much of the time you have left as a healthy person with so many options? I'm assuming you are 40s/50s - you know as well as I do that you can have a really rewarding career, if you want it. You can meet someone new, if you want to. Or you could just enjoy not living with someone who treats you like an arse.

Maybe DCs will learn about duty, endurance, finding out about options, hard work and that there are many ways to live a life.

Why is it a duty to tolerate misery? How is that a positive? Persistence and endurance towards a better future or an end goal is admirable. Staying in a shitty situation for no reason other than change being scary - where's the benefit? I don't see it.

Leaving is hard work, tbh. Staying isn't, is it? That's just back to the inertia. Staying in a bad situation because it's familiar. That's completely human and normal but I don't think it's exactly something to aspire to. I agree finding out what your options are, and not leaping willy-nilly, is sensible. But that would need to include a chat with a lawyer, IMO. As well as looking into career opportunities.

And I don't get why seeing a lawyer would be so dreadful. All they'd do would let you know what financial resources each of you would be likely to end up with, if you parted ways. It's no different to seeing a plumber when a boiler is on the blink: just seeking assistance from a qualified person with a level of expertise you don't possess yourself.

Agree that a counsellor would be good.

You told a woman just starting with a relationship that sounded off, last week, not to end up like you. So you plainly are not happy with your life. But you know you are fiercely intelligent, capable, resourceful, all these amazing things. You are unappreciated and unhappy. And you deserve better.

The trick is to start to believe it.

Duty and endurance?
How about being happy and fulfilled?

You just sound very depressed and ground down, plus you are probably drinking too much.

What's an average weekend for you OP? Do you enjoy your comfortable lifestyle and go to see plays, listen to music, have meals together? Or do you just finish another bottle of wine whilst he does his own thing, behaves like a pompous prick and goes to bed in the spare room with 'the door firmly shut?'

What's frustrating is you have choices. You haven't got two small children dependent on you and no Money, yet you are willing to let two years go by, waiting for him to make the decision you should make now. And If he doesn't decide to go in two years then you'll limp on for another two years, feeling like shit and probably drinking more.
All because you can't find the courage to change your life.

You're a long time dead!

I think I could be the only one who thinks you are coming across incredibly arrogant.
People are giving you good advice, advice that was asked for because you've come on to the internet to ask for it. Take it on board.

If you are willing to lead a mediocre life, then lead it with your head buried in the sand.

It's so sad you don't have those simple magic moments that people in loving, equal relationships have and that you will not give yourself the opportunity to have those.

You keep saying he's an academic in a way that implies you're impressed and that he's above everyone around him. Get over it. My bfs Dad is an academic, a lecturer in a top university, a leader in his field, written a ton of books and yet he's not a nice person and I won't give him the time of day.

A quote you may wish to share with him-

'When you have the choice between being right or being kind, choose kind'

Duty and endurance are not positive things when it's to one person's detriment.

You're also not modelling "finding out about options" with your refusal to see a lawyer, to find out your options.

You told that poster, whose thread you posted on, to "RUN!". You need to take your own advice.

I'm not sure I believe your assertion that you do have friends and hobbies. Earlier in the thread when people were suggesting going out with friends and getting out to do hobbies, you never said you already did that. However, you had said about sitting in on your own, drinking wine and waiting for your husband to get home quite late.

You may have friends who you don't see very often due to lifestyle or geography, and you may have hobbies that are home based, but they're not what we're talking about, and you know it.

If you won't see a lawyer, at least see a counsellor. You need one.

Good luck Shirley - If you find the strength to take your own advice - Hopefully a more fulfilling and happier life will be yours.

Is this OP real? I don’t know how to tell

Apologies if I sound arrogant - I'm a bit direct and it doesn't come out in the tone I actually feel.

For those saying 'lawyer': I can't see a lawyer as I've decided to have a life free of any more (once the one taking my money and not completing what was requested 12 years ago finally gets there .... if ...).

I've also jettisoned counselors as some years ago we both saw three of them courtesy of the NHS when I was caring for a parent for several years and it gravely impacted on our family life. The positive results lasted for a few days. However, perhaps they have made me examine my situation more and hence why, now, I am more unhappy with my lot than I should be.

Perhaps I should leave well alone (and I know "well" is only relative).

This has helped (thanks all) but it has also made me feel a little helpless and hugely guilty for going behind DH's back like this.

You know what they say about excuses, don't you?

If you want to sit in your own personal shit pile for the rest of your life, go head on. No one is going to stop you. But remember that there will come a day when you will look back and realize that the most precious gift we are given, life, has been squandered by you and that you have nothing to show for it but misery and unhappiness. If that's what you want for your legacy, then keep doing what you're doing.

Many of us have been where you are. But we took our lives in our hands and got out, regardless of the financial and short term emotional consequences. I'm older than you and when I look back I see a life that has been pretty damn fine, despite the occasional storm. I have a lifetime of memories of shared fulfillment and happiness. And I can see that I have built, and will leave behind, something fine and good.

"you have nothing to show for it but misery and unhappiness"

Wow!

Strange how despite my problems I'm more content than my divorced friends.

So I drink half a bottle a night waiting for DH to get home whilst I cook ( pretty good meals) but when I mentioned this to my GP she said carry on with what you're doing because the majority of women of your age (50+++) are using must worse as props and you have so far avoided ADs etc.

You do remember that you started this thread?

Your opening post talks about being shit under DHs shoe and death being preferable.

So why are you now telling everyone how great your life is? Why did you post if you had already decided to reject all the normal forms of help?

All lawyers are bad because you hired a bad one once? Come on, a smart woman like you isn't that daft. What's the real story?

Why on earth would you feel guilty for talking about stuff on an anonymous forum to people who don’t know you or your DH? I do understand that it’s uncomfortable to think about changing your life, but bearing in mind what you have said about your DH, it does sound awful. He sounds entirely disrespectful which is a very insidiously destroying way to live . And I do have some experience of this. I really do recommend you think about a plan for getting out of this. It may not be tomorrow but it should be sometime. Otherwise I suspect it will not improve; quite the reverse.

Shirley, you really don’t need to persuade us everything is great, all that is matters you are very good at persuading yourself.

Shirley this is your thread, you started it. I hope you find peace someday I really do, but we're wasting our time here, you flip-flop in your statements, turn your nose up at advice (from people who have changed their lives and decided that they are worth more than they were getting)
You're unhappy then you're 'content' - your posts don't make much sense.
I think there is more than you tell but in the meantime I'll wish you well.

Just rtft.

I just don’t understand how you can reconcile (intellectually, if you like, given you seem to hold intellect in some awe in both your DH and others) (1) complaining that you’re made to feel like dirt by someone who looks down their nose at you, and (2) saying you have a duty to them to wash their socks and cook their food whilst at the same time raising their DC and ensuring their financial security to your own detriment.

I do think you have problems, but I think your DH may not be the worst of them. You’ve got some messed up logic going on here (eg thinking your half-a-bottle-per-day habit while your DH is out with other women isn’t as bad as some women have it; well no, some women are repeatedly raped and battered by their husbands and eventually left for dead, true). For a supposedly intelligent woman, it’s all a bit baffling really.

I suggest you use your 2 year thinking time to work on yourself first.

No GP would say that. You're lying.
A thread was pulled from here the other week after someone (correctly) called the OP out as twisted multiple poster, who enjoyed the attention and stirring, goading and dividing contributors. Now I'm not saying this is another such poster, oh no, but, you know, think on...

Its the half a bottle of wine an evening I don't believe. Some of the stupid spelling mistakes done early in the evening sounds like much more alcohol than that.
Also - completely forgetting what you've posted.
OP - re-read your own posts, then get to AA

Shirley, In some of your earlier posts, you sounded so depressed I worried that you could become suicidal. Now you act like there isn't a problem at all. You seem to be all over the place. When you saw your GP, did you tell them that? That sometimes, you feel like the dirt on his shoes? That sometimes, you think he is just waiting for you to die?
That sometimes you think about doing something to improve yourself, but then don't because you end up thinking, "What's the point?" That he spends his evenings wining and dining younger women, and you spend yours drinking alone?

Shirely -- the amount you are swing from one extreme to the other isn't healthy or normal. You need to get some help.

Wow - It's crazy how it's possible to become so involved in another person's life and a complete stranger at that. This happens a lot on here andfor me Shirley's thread has been one of them. There has been SO much kind, thoughtful and excellent advice for this OP and none has been taken. I feel a bit of a fool for caring and am now out.