... to feel like dirt under DH's shoes?

[ShirleyValentineTwo]

Feeling sorry for myself and wondering why I have let it get so bad. At the end of most exchanges with DH, I end up feeling I have said something wrong as he invariably looks down his nose at me.

We started off equally qualified with me as the most likely to succeed according to our track record (e.g. publications, opinions of peers) but I habitually did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well as holding down one or two jobs at a time. I pushed for setting ourselves up property-wise whilst he met up with friends for skittles, football, pub evenings etc.

Once we were comfortably off, I could see he delighted in the status of us having more money than our peers (through my efforts mostly) and we decided to try for a family. He had prior to this gone off on a conference with a female colleague after telling me he was going with his male boss and it wasn't appropriate for me to join them. I found out about this lie from another colleague and DH didn't deny the female colleague and he went alone but made excuses that we weren't getting along and he had to get away for a bit but she wasn't the reason, only happened to be going too.

Anyway, we had a DC and I carried on working and struggling with my extra business until it was clear I could give up my academic job and be a SAHM but with more income from my business coming in and making us quite comfortable. He was free to 'work' late in comfy academia with conferences, meetings and many intelligent people to liaise with and never having to do school pickups, half-terms, sickness or any other parental duties. In fact, he was not very hands-on with DC and I am still sad and bitter about this loss to DC.

Roll forward two decades later and he is now sauntering home late into the evening, barely speaking to me and when he shares some snippet from work and I dare to offer some opinion on some practice his many female colleagues (academia is female-heavy these days) carry out, he derides me, looks at me like I am scum, often walks off and tops it with the silent treatment.

He has moved out of our bedroom complaining I snore. I have taken to drinking over half a bottle of wine waiting for him to get home whilst I cook his dinner. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, housekeeping, pet care as well as maintaining the sideline business. But I am no longer an 'academic' and my opinion counts for nothing.

AIBU to think I am a waste of space in his life nowadays? That he would benefit more from my being dead as that's what I feel he is waiting for?

OP I work in academia, and there are a fair few unpleasant middle-aged arrogant men around, some nice ones, I hasten to add! You've got one of the arrogant ones- and the reason you should act now is that he may well jump ship himself, and it would be better for you to do so, with all the knowledge and power of surprise (and good lawyer advise which I suggest you seek immediately) than wait for him.

Your children being away at uni is the ideal time to do this actually, they are not living with you full-time. Nothing in their situations will be massively different when they are 21, really, they may still be uncertain of their futures- so better to get it sorted now before your will to live and your alcohol consumption becomes really problematic.

If you have a successful business, and half the house, and a good relationship with the children, you will come out with a nice life and not have to look at his contempt every morning (if you read John Gottman the marriage researcher he says once contempt has entered a marriage, as sadly it has yours, it's pretty much dead in the water).

Oh Jesus, not read all the thread but PLEASE leave that arrogant piece of shit. Your kids are adults and have seen how badly he treats you over the years. They won't thank you for holding out until graduation.

Sit him down, tell him he's not half as clever as he thinks (he clearly has a super-fragile ego) and that you would please like him to fuck off from your life and could he let you know whether he wants to buy you out of the house.

You have wasted enough years on this joy-sucker.

I have suggested going our separate ways... He doesn't agree

Reading this my blood ran cold. My mother had just such s conversation a few years ago with her "D"H, when their disastrous financial situation prompted her to sell her house that they lived in and move. She suggested a clean break. He disagreed. So they went together, he continued making her miserable for a few years, and then had s stroke. He now needs constant care, is even more horrible than before due to brain damage making him irrrational and moody, and she feels totally trapped as she can't very well throw a sick man to the kerb to fend for himself. And all this could have been avoided if she had just stuck to her guns and left him.

He doesn't have to agree. You have to decide. Your children will cope. Get your life back. All the time you will save no catering to him you could use visiting your children; doing some independent research in your field; taking your business to the next level; or just enjoying the feeling of not walking on eggshells and being shat upon from a great height daily.

If you won't do it for you, do it for your children. They don't want a miserable, thwarted, functioning alcoholic for a mum. Who he is trying to make you be is not who you are. Channel Mufasa from The lion King and "remember who you are"! Xxx

Hi OP.

I understand how you feel, after living in a relationship that made me unhappy, but not feeling ready to leave it. It's might be easy decision people think it is, esp if you've been living this way for years. Fear of the unknown is a debilitating fear.

So my advice to you is to do some work on yourself. What do you like to do? What gives you pleasure? Are there any local groups you can join? Do you have friends? If not, join a group that does something you like - you'll soon find some like-minded people.

When you're in a marriage like yours has become it's easy to lose your self-worth. What qualities do you have? You're clearly intelligent and hard-working and patient, and you live your children. There's 4 brilliant things about you, right there! You could ask your children what they love about you. Then remind yourself. Sounds weird, but stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself "I am worthy. I am strong. I am intelligent, hard-working, and I love my kids". Or whatever words you want to use.

If H has moved out of your bedroom, could you change it? Get new curtains, duvet cover, move things around? Make it your space.

OP, you really are worth it!!!!

He might also be planning to leave when the DCs are more independent- think about getting in there first.

Everything you have achieved has been in spite of him. He can't say the same by any means, can he?

Your setting of 2 years is procrastination due to fear, you weren't afraid to push for houses, set up a business etc, so don't be afraid now.

Don’t tell him anything - see a solicitor and find out your options. You don’t need to do anything but knowledge is power. Find out where you stand financially re pension etc. Make sure you’re not the one to suffer if you leave.

If your children are at university then they are old enough to handle you leaving this man who is destroying you. Do not put this off any longer. You are a bright, academic woman - possibly brighter than him - who has enabled him to become a success through YOUR hard efforts keeping everything ticking over at home.
You deserve better than this horrible man.

I agree with others, I don't think you should wait two years, I really don't. If the kids are at university how much impact would their father leaving the house have on their lives? Very little, and that's being generous.

Even if you can't fathom the idea of leaving before then go and see a solicitor now to find out what your options are. You don't need to file for divorce immediately, but I suspect that the doing something positive and knowing what the outcome could be will do wonders for your mental health.

Secondly, get busy in the evenings. Stop this drinking and making the man his dinner. Get out to places and meet people worthy of your company. Join a book group, theatre group, language class, choir. Enjoy yourself. If you are determined to spend the next two years married the least you can do is enjoy that time. And start making a life for afterwards.

I don't think your children would want you to wait. They must be able to see what he's like.

No, no, no, no.

Do not spend even another 2 weeks with this man - let alone 2 years!

Your kids are at Uni. In the nicest possible way you are using them as an excuse to delay acting. You don't want to upset them at Uni - so you wait. What about when they are starting their first jobs - you don't want to distract them in their early days, so you'll wait. Don't you see? There is never a 'good' time to do this.

Your children are now adults in their own right who are off building their own lives - and rightly so. Now is the time to think about YOU.

Ring a solicitor today and see someone next week. Get decent legal advice about your position. Get copies of documents - marriage certs, bank statements, pension forecasts etc. - and stash them in a safe place. Once you have your legal position clearly outlined, then tell him you are filing for divorce and tell the children. I bet my shiny pound that the kids would not be at all surprised. I bet my other shiny pound that your 'D'H is also having an affair - or affairs plural.

Life is very short; don't waste any more of it.

Good morning all. Wow, I am so humbled by a whole range of good advice - I hope it benefits others with their own dilemmas when reading these comments.

Said above, "he may well jump ship himself" - you know, I've been wishing this for a few years. I would breathe a sigh of relief because it means I don't have to worry about looking after him and whether he's happy. I also don't have to face those silences or the contempt ever again. I would happily split everything with him and in all honesty, whilst building up my business he has scrupulously insisted on having his name on everything even though it was ludicrous for tax reasons.

It was once again the shock that he didn't want to help me with lifting something, yesterday evening, and taking it into the car to deliver somewhere, that hurts. He gave me a little speech about how he has a stressful time at work and doesn't want to deal with anything else when he gets home. When I mentioned the myriad of things I had to put in place throughout the day to get to the final point of this delivery, he just said, "it's not a competition in who is most stressed". He then proceeded to tell me how he had supported a (female) colleague because everyone was complaining she didn't do her job properly but he sided with her. It sounded to me, as an outsider, that she hadn't done her job properly and once again he reminded me she is a paid professional at her job and I know nothing about it (he seems to have forgotten I had also received training for such a post, years ago, admittedly).

Anyway that's enough moaning with which to start the day. I have some 1:1 teaching to do soon and then I'm off to sort the rest of the things for the new client this afternoon.

Have a good day everyone and thank you for giving me so much moral support here and comforting advice.

You don't need to change or improve, you are fine. The achievements of your life, both before having dc and in raising them, stand in testament to your skills and abilities as well as your intelligence and your choices to invest in your family. Do start living each day based on 'what do I Want to do?' (Cook only for you, eat what you like, clean only what you want to clean, be out when you feel like being out. See friends more. Take on something you will enjoy (I want to do RHS horticulture qualifications, and possibly volunteering). And I don't know about ducks in a row, but make sure in any split you don't miss out on the equivalent of the pension benefits he has accrued through you managing the domestic front. He is so stupid.

I also agree that leaving isn’t that simple, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of being alone.

I also think that when a marriage breaks down people can behave terribly to each other, it’s not right, but it’s nigh on human nature. Contempt, dislike, resentment, frustration, all impact how we behave and it may not be representive of who we normally are, it’s representative of our relationship.

This is why I suggested the op starts to build a life again outside her home, not clinging onto thr idea of being a sahm, or waiting for him to come home whilst cooking his dinner, but actually getting out there and building a social life. With this confidence, independence, Happiness will return,and she may find the confidence to make the break.

Op, what interests you, book clubs, gym, volunteering? You’ve got a lot going for you, and there is tons you can do.

He's an unappealing bloke isn't he? Get rid, you'll feel much better.

Good grief 2 years is a very long time! Your children have already pretty much flown the nest, you know. Time to look after yourself. Let's look at the facts here:

• you were the more successful
• you have created a family/run a household/supported everyone
• you have started up and run a successful business

• he has grown his career (which he was only able to do as you were holding everything else together)

Big whoop. Do you see the imbalance there? And he treats you so appalingly????? . You are a bloody marvel, woman!! Now start treating yourself better because you deserve so much better.

Ps university age kids are not going to fall apart because their mother divorces their (arse of a) father. They will probably cheer you on and might even have felt guilt and worry at leaving you with him.

I would breathe a sigh of relief because it means I don't have to worry about looking after him and whether he's happy

Not to be mean about it, but neither of you are deliriously happy, are you? But what he is is comfortable, it's much easier have you be the domestic servant in this situation, enabling the children, the home, the cooking, the bills, than for him to do it- and there's no doubt that this has contributed to his success at work.

Don't worry about him being looked after, or him being happy, for an inexplicable (to me) reason, younger female academics are drawn to these awful older men, a status thing, and there will be one along to replace you if you vacate the marriage- if he hasn't had an affair already. Sadly, they are then left, in their prime, 30's and 40's, with declining older males who are grumpy, disengaged with their children and often with poor health, becoming a carer as much as the great intellectual partner they had imagined. Such is the nature of the transaction (if you have an affair with an older male professor).

You have all the ingredients to have an excellent 50's onwards, if that's your age- intelligence, a business, half a house to get a nice flat, can meet someone much nicer than your husband, it's all there for the taking really.

Oh the dC will cope fine if you leave him, better to do that than for their mum to suffer married to such a horrible man.

If you insist on staying, at least make life hell for him for the last part of your marriage. Stop doing anything for him in the way of cooking or washing. If he tells you to do something, just look at him blankly and walk off. If he tries to engage you in conversation just tell him you are busy thinking about something else.

Also, as payback for how he talks to you, I would drop little digs about his career trajectory being quite a slow one etc. He is obviously a pathetic little man who is fueled by external validation so that will no doubt piss him off big time.

You do realise he is shagging around him moving out - "we don't share a bed but I can't leave her as she wouldn't cope".

I would go so far as setting up a new business and putting all new work through that so the Ines he has a share in reduce in value and can be dissolved if need be when marriage ends. Remember to insist on 50% of his pension.

Seriously start buying in paid help for your business to make your life easier. Start building a social life - really invest in it. Detach from the arrogant cocklodger, ducks in a row and file for divorce!

OP I agree with everyone that says to start building your own life, aside from this man and his self-importance and self-preoccupation.

You really don't need to concern yourself with whether he is looked after or happy. Seriously ask yourself how much time he spends pondering your welfare or happiness. Precisely none, I would wager. He, and he alone, is what is important in his life. He even gets his colleagues to opine on his life, work, children because he loves people talking about him.

I truly understand the fears around leaving and being on your own. But really you are on your own at the moment. There is no real marriage left in terms of support, loving, sex, companionship. What would change would be that he would no longer be a millstone around your neck.

If he has ground you down so much that you don't yet feel ready to leave, then at least take some initial steps. Start building some interests of your own, a social life outside the house - pottery, philosophy, film studies, box atrack, book club, whatever grabs your interest. And please, please, stop doing the wife work. He's an adult man who can do his own washing and cooking,

And make sure you get a slice of his pension, the same way he made sure he got a slice of your business, without even putting himself out enough to move a heavy item for you, once! Get angry 😡 don't feel resigned.

I'm in the same boat OP with ten added issue of a chronic illness (brought im pretty sure by the stress of the relationhsip)

I, too, have been deciding to leave but not just yet. My personal issue is that I'm not financially independent (due to said illness that stopped me in my track re my own business). So I need a bit of time to go back earning a decent enough amount (because my two dcs are still teens an I want them to be confortable enough iyswim)

What IS making a big difference for me is

• counselling so I can rant once a week and say all the things I have in my chest. It also is helping me putting into words what is making me so uncomfortable at times.
• changing the way I'm around him. There are things I'm refusing to do now. Ive learnt to become assertive. Am doing to not jump around to 'keep him happy' as your u are doing atm.

You can start planning your life wo him now, even if you are together. If the changes are such that he finds that unacceptable and decides he was out, then so be it. As you said you've been dreaming of that for years. But it will allow you to regain your self esteem.

Stop making his life easy. If he wants to live separate lives in the same house (as it seems he does) then he does all his own washing and cooking.

Start doing things for you, and you alone and sod him.

^ go for his pension ^

If he's done the usual academic tax thug, he'll have his teachers pension, state plus university - all of which are deducted before tax. It will be sizeable, especially if for further tax reasons, he has overpaid. If you feel bad about this, then use it as leverage for the house and your business.